Playing Well With Others (2 page)

. . . and many others.

For the case of our discussion in this book, we will be using “kink” as shorthand for:

The great big world of sexual adventure, including, but not limited to, voyeurism, exhibitionism, fetishism, fantasy role-playing, cross-dressing, power exchange, swinging, leather identity, erotic restraint, consensual non-monogamy, ‘naughty sex’ and BDSM between consenting adults. In short, the realm of sexuality perceived to be outside the mainstream.

Our definitions may or may not match yours, and your definitions can and will shift with time and experience. If you don’t see your thoughts, ideas and feelings precisely mirrored here, feel free to use your own. This book is geared toward helping you traverse the communities out there, figure out where to invest your energy, and decide where you will have the best time, as well as to learn more, network, make friends, and go to events. We hope that it will also help you avoid many of the challenges others have faced — thereby improving your interactions with these cultures, and improving the communities with your energy and presence.

Being kinky or becoming a part of the kink community is not an express ticket to sexual enlightenment, erotic godhood, or having hotties swooning at your feet. You may, however, have all kinds of fun, learn a lot, and connect with new people. Or you may find it’s not for you, or that a particular facet of the community or type of event is not your cup of tea. If you’re already part of one or more of these communities, we hope to share with you ways to have a better time, increase awareness of the many avenues of exploration available to you, and be more successful within this place we call home.

As we explore this world, you will run into a lot of words you may not have encountered before, or have encountered in another context. Don’t worry if you don’t know what a “munch” is and have no clue what a “dungeon monitor” does:
Appendix 1
, Kink Lingo, is your friend.

There is wide spectrum of opinion of what it means to be “into kink.” Thus, this book is intended to be a tool for folks from a wide variety of backgrounds, and into a wide variety of kinks or interests. Not everything in this text will apply to you, but you can find your own way to adapt the information to your needs. You may well read about stuff you’re not into, and you may well be intrigued by something you never even dreamed possible. Take what you need, what feeds you, what titillates you, what intrigues you . . . and leave the rest.

Who Is Into Kink?

The variety of humans interested in kink is mind-boggling. The kink community includes . . .

Though commonly referred to as an “alternative community,” the world of kink is a microcosm of the world at large. It is a slice of the mainstream population; folks from all walks of life are drawn to kink gatherings and events. This diverse population includes individuals from different backgrounds, faiths, politics, cultures, ethnicities, education levels, sexualities, genders and gender presentations, approaches to life, outlooks, and philosophies. Straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, pansexual, omnisexual, asexual, and sexual-identity-flexible folks are all part of the kink communities. One of the amazing things about people exploring this world is that it offers an opportunity to folks to meet who might not cross paths in any other context.

Thus, the kink communities are not only for “alternative” individuals. Not everyone is covered in tattoos and wears only gothic or punk clothing — though the kink community has a place for these folks as well. Some folks come to kink as a way to spice up their sex life, and others have taken it on as a full-time lifestyle choice. Kink is made up of individuals, all on their own path, who share space and create a way to explore their world together.

Not so long ago, the only way to find any community among like-minded kinksters was through careful and very discreet networking. People who were looking for “something different” found one another through coded advertisements in newspapers, secret signals and sartorial clues. These days, your local dungeon and fetish clothing companies are only a few clicks away. The thing that has not changed is the desire for connection, for energy, for adventure. The scenarios might change, the play might shift, but at the core of our communities are the hearts, souls and spirits of the adventurers who comprise them.

Why Are People Into Kink?

Before we unpack the nuts and bolts of getting involved with alternative lifestyle communities, it’s important to know why you think you are into kink. This will allow you to set realistic expectations and goals as you explore. If what you get out of kink is a deep sense of intimacy and the thrill of taboo exploration with only yourself or your partner, you may be satisfied by leveraging the kink community to gain access to those specific resources. If what you are drawn to is the opportunity to make new connections, relax with friends, or become an activist . . . you may be drawn to different types of events and gatherings, or you may approach the same events with a different intent.

Are you here to keep a partner happy? Or have you been waiting your whole life to find just this type of connection? Is being kinky a way to cope with desires that you haven’t ever had words for? Do you see this as an occasional escapist retreat? A coping mechanism? Or is this a wholesale shift in the paradigm of your life? Is it all about sex, or is it something beyond the carnality of a sexual liaison? Spiritual? Secular? All these in turn? You may not have the answers to any or all of these questions, but keeping them in mind will help to ground you as you further your explorations and delve into the wealth of information and sensations becoming available to you.

So, what are some of the reasons people are into kink? Everyone has their own answers. We have interacted with many thousands of folks about their reasons for enjoying kink, kinky sex, fetishism, voyeurism, exhibitionism, erotic power exchange, swinging, fantasy role-playing, leather, cross-dressing, BDSM, swinging or consensual non-monogamy, so we can share with you some of the myriad reasons that people enjoy these explorations.

Because it’s sexy!

That’s right, kink can be flat-out sexy. It is a chance to make noise, moan, experience adrenaline highs, and get turned on. For those of us that are thrill-seekers, the physical rush is an opportunity to dive into the intensity of experience, to explore strong sensations, and to enjoy the tactile “realness” of it all. Kink is an opportunity to sample everything on the buffet of erotic life, to manifest joy with our bodies.

Some are sexually aroused by the beauty and aesthetics of their erotic explorations — the curve of a heeled foot, the sounds of clanking chains or cracking whips, the pungent scent of leather. Others have a specific fetish or para-philia, and the kink community is a safe place in which to explore that desire. Some folks want the sexual arousal that comes from trying something new, or with someone new, or in a new place — an opportunity to “walk on the wild side,” be naughty, and be the delightfully depraved sexual human beings that we read about in porn stories.

Para-what?

A paraphilia refers to a sexual arousal towards a specific object, situation or individual that is not considered “normal” in culture. A paraphilia becomes debilitating if these arousals and interests become obsessions, or cause serious problems for the person or their friends, partners and random strangers. The word “fetish” is technically synonymous with a paraphilia, but in modern times mass media and the kink community alike have come to conflate “fetish wear” with “anything black, shiny and high-heeled” instead of “a clothing item that specifically arouses the wearer or viewer of that individual” as it used to. Note the “normal in mainstream culture” point. “Tit men” or “ass men” are considered normal because mainstream culture says attraction to tits and asses is “normal,” while attraction to feet, leather or balloons is considered “kinky.”

Being into kink gives us permission to embrace what gets us wet, hard or riled up. Whether that is being turned on by aggression, aroused by surrender, titillated by the sensual touch of a thousand hands or deeply connected as two bodies unite in a single breath. we are granted permission to embrace, not just accept or cope with, our desires. It’s one thing to secretly contemplate your innermost sexual fantasies, and another thing to celebrate them with others who will celebrate right alongside you. The heat of desire can fuel the engine of your imagination; becoming a part of this community can, in and of itself, be an adventure in arousal.

When I asked students and readers of my work why they were into kink, a fairly large number mentioned childhood memories or early obsessions. They had, in some way, always been “like this.” Whether mesmerized by Houdini, turned on by bound women in cartoons, transfixed by extreme practices featured in
National Geographic,
or fascinated seeing Captain Kirk wearing a collar on
Star Trek,
many of us have had concepts of power and passion in the media spark our interests. Or perhaps they were the kids who, when playing Truth or Dare, always chose “dare.” ~ Lee

Because it is an adventure.

Exploring kink can be a great way to try out novel things, make new friends, stretch your boundaries, and have a good time. Some people discover a chance to identify and meet their core desires, while others wish to splash around in an erotic playground. The adventure can also lead to the creation of vivid memories, maybe only a few fleeting moments, that may stay with us for a lifetime.

For others, the adventure was proposed by a lover or friend. By exploring the shadows of their own psyche and facing the unknown, these individuals can make the unknown known, and shine a light onto parts of them they might not know otherwise. The adventure need not always be profound — it may just be a chance to try something that feels good, is new, shiny, exciting, fascinating. It may be a chance to feel more alive.

Because we are wired this way.

There are those who have longed for alternative sexual practices for most of their lives; for such people, kink comes naturally. Engaging in kink activities is their “normal” sexuality, not a form of fringe sex. To deny their organic longings would harm their own emotional and psychological health, because they are hard-wired this way. They may have been deeply kinky without any instruction, direction or guidance, and they may not have formal names for their desires for SM and power plays: “rough sex” may be as far as descriptors go for some who have had an organic lifelong attraction to kink.

Sometimes the desires for kink and adventurous sexual practices come later in life. A hot porn story or image on the internet can get the fantasies working overtime, unleashing heretofore unknown desire. A book,music video, movie, television series, magazine advertisement, or theatrical production can awaken us to a world of possibilities. Something as innocuous as seeing someone wearing a collar at the mall or science-fiction conference can trigger for some long-held desires that have no specific source . . . they just
are.

Because we need decompression and touch.

Whether decompressing after a hard day at the office, or grounding back into a touch- and sensation-deprived body, many people report that kink activities help them reach emotional or energetic equilibrium. Relaxing, letting go, or succumbing to sensory experiences like ice cubes melting on skin or leather caressing our flesh might be a powerful reason to embrace kink.

Role-playing can be an excellent way to hit your “reset” button. By getting out of our heads and away from our day-to-day worries for a few hours, becoming naughty nurses or surrendering slaves can give us the opportunity to return to our daily lives with new eyes and refreshed hearts. Others report that the intensity of play gives them room to abandon “rational thought” and the minutiae of daily life. This physical approach to clearing the mind can create sensations of cleansing the spirit — removing the debris from our lives so that we may return refreshed, shaking up our brains like an Etch-A-Sketch. Kink, in its myriad forms, can provide a chance to recharge our emotional and intellectual batteries and boost our overall quality of life.

There are also people for whom kink is an opportunity to get more physical contact in their lives. We live in a touch-starved culture where we have to ask for hugs. and even then, social situations do not always allow us the amount and quality of physical contact that we need. For those hungry for human contact, the ability to receive sensual massage, cuddling after intense experiences, or an erotic spanking can feel incredibly nurturing. Loving touch comes in a variety of intensities, and being able to ask for the type of touch we long for can be fulfilling and empowering.