Playing Well With Others (4 page)

“It’s easier to find compatible, like-minded partners.”

You may already have a partner who is also interested in taking that step with you, but this is not the case for many people who come into the kink communities. Sure, there’s a chance you could find the dominant partner of your dreams, the submissive slut of your fantasies or that seductive switch while in line at the grocery store, but being a part of a self-selecting social group certainly ups your chances of meeting that special someone. If you are looking for a new connection, having a vibrant community of self-identified kinksters is a great way to increase your chances of finding someone who likes the same kinky stuff you like.

“I get to access so many amazing resources!”

Sure, some of us have dungeons in the basement, soundproof rooms where we can get up to our kinkiest play without fear of neighbors calling the cops because of the strange sounds emanating from our homes. For the rest of us, being a part of a broader kinky community gives us access to dungeons, play-spaces, other people, places and kink-specific props and items that you may never have believed existed until you saw them. For those of us who love sharing in the energy of other folks playing, or who enjoy specialized play, the dungeon is the place to be. You might not be able to maintain two hundred acres on a clothing-optional resort where you can roam freely while riding your very own human pony, but get a few dedicated kinky folks together and voila! You can create just that. There are at least five or six such events every summer in the US alone.

And beyond the playtime benefits to moving within the community, there are very real benefits to accessing resources designed specifically for alternative lifestyle people. Need a doctor or acupuncturist who will understand that your bruised butt is the result of sexy, consensual fun? We’ve sought them out. Perhaps you need legal help, and a kink-friendly lawyer would be indispensable? Being a part of our community means you won’t be alone should you need to reach out for help. And you may well find yourself in a position to help others, too. Fewer things are more satisfying than being able to provide advice, moral support or just a sympathetic ear. The community is a resource limited only by what you put into it and your fertile imagination.

“I feel safer exploring my kink within the community.”

Your initial entry into public kink, when all you’ve had is fantasy, can feel very scary. The community can provide a measure of safety to help ease the transition. Yes, we are a community of people, and as such are subject to the failings and foibles of any social group. However, most kinksters endeavor to provide safe emotional space for exploration, learning, and many different types of loving, sensual interactions. We strive for open, clear communications so we can minimize mismatched expectations.

Many of us who felt like misfits in the “default world” breathe easier in kink and alternative communities. We have banded together to create an environment where there is an acceptance of folks of all backgrounds, genders, races, body types, abilities, social backgrounds, and more, to come together and get their freak on.

Which one are you?

All, some or none of these explanations might resonate for you. Fantastic! We hope that folks approach our community in a way that helps them to seek their own bliss.

Please keep in mind that any of the above reasons could have a darker and less positive bent. It is wonderful if you venture into these waters because your sweetie thinks spanking is the bee’s knees and you say “well, hell, why not!” It is less wonderful if your partner uses coercion, guilt or emotional blackmail to drag you into this realm. Take a close, critical look at your motives, and consider whether they are coming from a place of joy or fear, of guilt or relief, of desire or apprehension, and make sure you are comfortable and that you are taking care of yourself. Our hope for you is that you enjoy the explorations and thrill to this amazing journey.

Choose Your Own Adventure

Different kinky individuals get involved in the community in different ways. For some folks, life circumstances dictate a limited extent to their involvement: family life, chronic ailment, holding public office, a high-profile career or just a really full calendar might restrict them from being regular participants. You may live in a jurisdiction where legal restrictions make in-person involvement too risky for you. You may realize that your personal needs dictate that one big event every few years is plenty for you. Or you may find that your personal desires and unique authenticity mean that you need to be constantly involved in this world.

Others come and go, ebb and flow, oscillating from high-profile movers and shakers to being only involved online, or fading away entirely, only to re-emerge years later to take on leadership responsibilities. The wonderful thing is that kink will still be here. You can move at your own pace, come and go, dance with us or solo for a while, and come back to find us when you need and desire us.

How involved we are doesn’t always reflect how kinky we are, or how committed we are to our kink identities. There are folks who get their freak on every day and yet are not a part of the community, and there are people who are profoundly involved with the community who very rarely engage in scenes or “play.” Just because someone is an event organizer or presents a class on a particular topic does not mean they have the highest level of skill in an activity. Conversely, someone you’ve never seen at the local play party or who only comes out for special events can’t be assumed to be a clueless “newbie.”

Our degree of involvement is just that — how involved we choose to get. It does not express our level of passion, commitment, expertise, desire, or how much pleasure we derive from these activities. Being clear enough to be able to say “I like coming out to big events once in a while, but I have little interest in ever taking dungeon monitor training or hosting a munch,” can help others understand your journey.

Internet only

The explosion of the Internet in the early ’90s ushered in a new era for alternative communities. Many people who had felt isolated and alone found that they were far from alone, and those first bulletin boards were quickly populated with kinksters comparing notes, swapping stories and sharing fantasies. And it has only grown from there, with kink-specific dating sites quickly cropping up all over.

After creating a profile on a kink message board, social networking site or chat system, many are happy to contribute to the discussions, read the occasional article or find delicious kinky porn, but never come out to a party or event. In fact, some “online-only” folk are incredibly involved — online. They host websites, run podcasts, post images, or are immersed every day in debates and dialogues, while seldom if ever attending an in-person event. Others might choose to check their accounts very rarely, and engage only in those discussions that catch their eye. Ever-evolving innovations in online communities, social networking, gaming and virtual life systems make immersion in virtual kink an enticing choice for some who might otherwise have no outlet. “Online only” is for some a gateway; for others, it is where they live and breathe their kinky desires.

“OK, maybe just this once..”

Going out to a fetish club night, making a vacation of attending a week-long fantasy retreat, or visiting your friendly neighborhood kinky sex club can be an amazing once-in-a-lifetime experience. Whether or not you ever attend another event, bearing witness to the wide diversity of wardrobe, fetishes and fantasies, and being titillated by the possibilities out there, can fuel a lifetime of bedroom electricity. For others interested in a specific sub-category of kink, going to a class on that topic might be just enough to feel confident in progressing forward with their desires behind closed doors. There are so many types of events to choose from (see
Chapter 3
) that you can be sure to find something meeting your comfort level and fulfilling that one-off itch.

Once a year

Some events have an annual life cycle. And some kinksters thrive within a kink life that embraces that yearly return: a way to get a regular jolt of fun or taboo into their lives, connect with old friends, or refresh kinky batteries. Such folks might like to dress up for a yearly major event such as a fetish ball, kinky convention or street festival. They might like to attend or participate in a pride parade, or come out to a holiday play party — a great option for those who lead very busy lives but who love to have that one outlet to which they may look forward and recall fondly year after year.

Attending munches

A munch is a low-pressure social gathering for people involved in or interested in kink. They are usually at a restaurant, coffee house, or similar venue: in Europe, for example, munches are often held in pubs. Coming out to a munch is a great way to network with others in a local area, meet new play partners, learn about events and resources, and in general not be isolated in our desires. The relaxed environment is great for newcomers as well as long-term kinksters looking to socialize. Munches can provide a comfortable degree of involvement for individuals whose kink lives are highly personal, and those who are not exhibitionists or voyeurs. Some people go to their local munch faithfully every month/week (depending on the frequency); others just drop in from time to time to touch base and feel connected.

Attending play parties and events

For those who love the energy of playing in front of others, are looking to get new ideas for playing at home, don’t have equipment in their own home, or who live in apartments with thin walls, attending a local play party can be a fantastic choice. Kink-themed special events and conventions take this idea further, with classes, workshops, and shopping combined with play. In many places around the world, these events occur with such regularity as to allow the discerning adventurer to pick and choose from a veritable kinky cornucopia. Some people who may not identify specifically as kinky might still come out once in a while to play parties or events, thus getting a little spice in their sex. However, you might live in a city or town where the pickings are slim, and the available venues tough to find. In that case, you may well want to consider . . .

Starting a munch, hosting a party

Every recurring or ongoing event or group needs people who believe enough in the event to get it off of the ground and to keeping it running. Sure, a handful of events run themselves through tradition or habit, but even these groups once needed someone or a group of someones who came up with the brilliant idea, ignited the spark, and got it burning.

Often, a group of friends, an affiliation of like-minded kinksters, or a strong individual will take the leadership position within an event — hey, someone’s gotta send out announcements about upcoming happenings, make sure that the venue is available on a given night, arrange food or drinks, set up furniture, clean up after everyone leaves, and administer the many details needed to make the event happen. Giving back to your local community through doing the day-to-day work of keeping meeting spaces available to attendees can be incredibly fulfilling. This level of involvement is an excellent way to meet people if you are new to the community, and a fantastic way to keep in the thick of things if you are a long-time community member.

Getting on board!

Some groups are ad-hoc, casual, seat-of-the-pants ventures. For others, though, Robert’s Rules of Order is a fetish. If you have a deeply organizational streak, and love the idea of helping an organization get off the ground or keep flying, a position on a board of directors might be right up your alley.

Registered nonprofit organizations and for-profit businesses often work under a board structure, with attendant bylaws and regulations, in kink as in the bigger world. In major metropolitan areas, kink-focused organizations are often the ones who produce the large or recurring events — and being a trustee means helping shape the future of far-reaching community activities. Sometimes just running for a board position, even if you are not elected, can let your peers know you are passionate about being active and want to be deeply involved.

Producing events

Scouting and booking exciting presenters, arranging large-scale venues, financially backing events, scheduling saucy entertainment and intriguing classes, dreaming up fantastic, innovative ideas to entertain and educate the pervy masses — all these things and more appeal to the hardy souls who are our kink event producers. Running the show is a great way to bring your dedication and energy to your local, national and even international kink communities.

Some produce events as a professional calling, taking their expertise from a career in event production, project management or entertainment and lending it to kinkier exploits. Others learn as they go, freely giving of their time and sometimes funds to materialize their own unique vision for the world. Still others choose to become visible or active through becoming financial or product sponsors of events and groups. It isn’t unusual to see a kinky real-estate agent or bondage gear supplier supporting a leather event with an advertisement or financial backing, because they believe in what the event has to offer to the broader alternative communities. Sometimes, writing a check is the kinkiest thing you’ll ever do!

Sharing your skills

Every single human on this planet has something to share. In the case of the kink community, deepening your involvement by sharing information is one of the pillars that make our community a community. Be it one-on-one mentorship, sharing ideas online, leading discussion groups, teaching classes, running workshops, writing a kinky blog, exchanging ideas online, creating videos or photos, or doing educational scenes at local clubs and parties, different individuals share their passions and expertise in many different ways.