Playing Well With Others (9 page)

“If their label complements mine, they will want to play.”

SORRY!

There are a few challenges with this assumption. If, for example, you see a dominant as a “doing and controlling” partner and a submissive as a “receiving and controlled” partner, then the first assumption might be that any top would want to play with any bottom. This is nowhere near a safe assumption. That particular dominant might not have a particular chemistry with a particular individual. They may have a partner at home, and are simply looking for friendship, or they simply may not desire to play or “scene” tonight because they had a hard day at work.

The second assumption is that a top would only want to play with a bottom. The thing is, labels can sometimes be flexible. They might also like playing with other tops, with slaves, with a human puppy, or with someone who identifies as “vanilla.” Do not rule out a potential play partner just because of the labels they use: all kinds of creative matches exist in the kink community. Attraction, chemistry, curiosity and desire trump a whole lot of labels.

“If I know their kink identity, I know their personality.”

NIX THIS ONE.

Some toxic assumptions can impede and damage respect within the community. If you think dominant individuals must be bossy assholes, or that someone who identifies as submissive will be a spineless doormat, you will find — based on our experience — that your assumptions are some serious bullshit. Many of these types of assumptions are based on fictional literature and media, with fantasy and misinformation, and that they have little to do with reality.

Try to approach each individual, to engage in every encounter, with an open heart and mind. Rather than simply making assumptions about who they are, what their story is, what they are into, or how you would fit in their world, try remaining open, respectful and curious. People can and will surprise you with their many facets, and you will surprise yourself, too.

Language, Names and Social Styles

In the kink community, there are many words, terms, acronyms, abbreviations and jargon that get tossed around, and these are always changing and evolving. Start by examining some examples in
Appendix 1
: Kinky Lingo. In addition, some people have titles or “scene names” that they use — sometimes to obfuscate their actual identity, and sometimes because they more accurately reflect their deepest selves. One of the first points of confusion that people encounter are honorifics (such as ma’am, sir, master, mistress) and diminutives (such as girl, boy, slave).

Asking someone how they wish to be addressed is a great way to avoid inadvertently stepping on toes. And if you are not comfortable addressing someone in a particular way, you do have the right to declare that boundary. You might also with to ask people if the name by which you hear them addressed is for public consumption: hearing someone referred to as “my pet” or “my liege” may not be an invitation for you to follow suit and address them similarly. It might be a public manifestation of a personal relationship. Again, ask questions first.

Keep in mind that the name or title that you find presumptuous may be of profound importance and significance for the bearer of that moniker. Finding respectful compromises helps us find communication styles that work for all.

Sometimes people will use slang terms. They may seem overly familiar, or exceedingly distant and cold. The person who has manic body language and gets in your face while talking might be an aggressive jerk, or might be a person from New York. The person who avoids eye contact and seems to be evasive in their speech might be a passive-aggressive jellyfish, or they might be painfully shy.

If someone refers to you as “Sir” or “Ma’am,” don’t assume that they’re making assumptions about their dynamic with you; they may just have been raised in the south of the United States, or have spent many years working in customer service. Giving folks the benefit of the doubt and remaining compassionate will help to bridge the sometimes awkward encounters we are all sure to have.

When moving from one-on-one to group conversations, take your cues from those around you. Some talks are boisterous shouting matches; others are measured and thoughtful discussions. Participating is fantastic. So is listening, and paying attention to the people around you sharing their own stories and experiences. Remaining flexible in your approach and patient as you are learning, as well as remembering that you are never too old to learn, will help you become and remain someone with whom people will welcome interaction and discussion.

Some protocols begin even before communication has started. Some people who are involved in TPE (Total Power Exchange) relationships might have protocols that are tough to understand at first glance; a TPE slave might be enjoined from speaking without the owner’s permission. And if you encounter someone who plays in animal mode, it might not be appropriate to strike up a conversation about the cheese platter with the snorting, stamping human pony next to you. Take as many cues as you can from other folks; respectful questions can also help clear things up. And if you are one of the people with stringent protocols that might not be self-evident, please treat the curious with compassion rather than defensiveness. Scornful and dismissive responses to someone who is simply curious or unaware of your dynamic only places you in a poor light. Help educate, and look on it as an opportunity to help a fellow traveler on the kinky highway.

There are people who are referred to as “master,” “mistress” or “slave” so-and-so, and I have friends who will refer to people by whatever title they carry. This is not a protocol that works for me. I will only refer to someone as “master” if I am owned by them, or if I personally have firsthand knowledge of their mastery. I make it clear to them that my choice to call them so does not indicate my slavery to them, but my respect for that title. Same applies to calling all slaves as “slave such-and-such.” I don’t laugh in the face of someone introduced to me as Sir Lord-N-Grand Master Dragonpoop. I will, however, say “My personal protocol reserves titles for my owner. Is there an alternative way I may address you?” and proceed from there.

There is some crossover between our sex-positive sub-cultures, such as between the swinger and BDSM communities, but the difference in cultures can create misunderstandings. Some individuals with a background in the swinger community may have a “Yes until No” culture — that is, people will proceed as the interaction unfolds until someone has reached a boundary, at which point they will so advise their partner (or partners). Others will work within a model that requires a constant stream of consent in all directions, letting you know exactly what they desire in any given moment.

The BDSM communities often use a slightly different approach: generally the involved parties have agreed up front on where they wish to go in an activity and what they’d like to do; that boundary is in place for the duration of the scene — a “No until Yes” culture.

People fall all across the gender spectrum in our community. The binary of “male” and “female” shuts out a wide swath of folks (as explored in
Appendix 4F
). Consider asking people how they wish to be addressed. Avoiding assumptions will take you further than letting clothes, shoes and external appearance rule the day. Gender pronouns can be tricky in some parts of the kink community. The female-to-male transgendered individual to whom you have spent the past two years addressing as “he” suddenly shows up in a sparkly dress, five-inch heels and a full beard. What do you do? Asking them what pronoun they would prefer tonight gets my vote.

Of course, there is fluidity in these generalizations, and each approach can be successfully utilized depending on the needs of the people involved. This is another case where being mindful of the background of others can be helpful in mitigating miscommunications.

Though we’ve been encouraging you to ask questions, take care when considering when to ask those questions. If people are huddled and engaged in a private conversation, barging in, or hovering at the edge of the conversation, might be unwelcome. And please, do not ask questions of people when they are in the middle of a scene. Even when you think the scene is over . . . wait.

Regardless of how careful you are, you will step on toes. A heartfelt apology goes a long way towards avoiding further communication gaps. And this is true regardless of your standing, time within, or role in the community. We are all people first, and need to take responsibility for and own up to our errors.

Rather than a generic “Oh, sorry!’ consider using “I apologize for_____” or “I’m sorry for _____,” specifically referencing the infraction. We’ve found that this strategy opens up the possibility for dialogue more than a generic apology.

I’ve been “coming down” from a very intense scene, in cool-down mode, and had people roll up asking questions about what I’d just done, if I was OK, where I was gonna be speaking next, and why they hadn’t heard back from me about that e-mail they’d sent last week. If you aren’t invited into the space of a scene before during or immediately after, it is a great plan to keep your distance. Your question can wait.

Maintaining Privacy: Yours and Mine

Many people leading alternative lives under the radar of the mainstream are not “out” about their full journey. This is a perfectly valid choice: they consider their sex lives to be private, and really not to be shared with the general public. Others are involved in professions where the knowledge of their proclivities could endanger their careers, or have family members who would not be supportive if news of their kink side were to be publicized. Members of kink communities have lost custody of children, been dismissed from jobs, been shunned by family and loved ones, and faced violence — criminal, non-consensual violence — at the hands of others because of their orientation. So when we say privacy is a big deal, we really mean it.

The numbers of “out” community members are growing. However, “outness” should be an active choice; each kinkster gets to determine if they will use their full legal name, show their face, and have complete transparency about who they are and what they do.

When you are introduced to someone as “River Peaseblossom,” asking their “real name” is presumptuous and rude. Besides, what makes the time they spend as Peaseblossom any less real than the persona they inhabit in their professional world? Or, for that matter, how do you know that their parents weren’t hippies who really enjoyed Shakespeare? This is how they wish to be addressed, and so it should be. If, at the office, River goes by the name “Linda Smith, head of marketing for
BigInternetCompany.com
,” that is none of your business.

Should she decide, once she feels comfortable, to share the name by which she is known in the default world, great. But even then, there are pitfalls. If you run into Linda at the mall which she is hanging out with her mom and sister-in-law and you shout “Yo, River Peaseblossom! You looked great in the dungeon last week! See ya at the munch!” you have potentially put her in a tough spot.