Playing Well With Others (12 page)

What to Wear:
Jeans and a black t-shirt through business casual. The diner is not the place to wear your fetishwear unless you’ve been explicitly told otherwise.

Hints, Tips and Tricks:

• Ask
  “Is this the munch?” before launching into your list of questions on fist-fucking . . . just in case that table is
  not
  the munch.
  

• If you are shy
  or anxious about attending, consider going with a friend or “munch buddy.”
  

• Introduce yourself
  to the munch host(s): this is an excellent way for new folks to meet people.
  

• Don’t understand the slang being used?
  Politely ask what a term means, and most folks will help provide definitions.
  

• Bring those questions
  about the kink community with you — this is a great place to ask quietly and discreetly, or it may start a great conversation if the munch has a private room.
  

• Be yourself.
  It is just dandy to be shy, giggly or uncertain. In fact, it is often preferred compared to showing up with a fake attitude and pretending to know it all when you don’t (or even when you do).
  

• Be respectful
  to the wait staff and pay your bill. Don’t alienate your community by not paying your part of the tab, or by not leaving a tip. Tipping is sexy.
  

• Ease off -
  just because someone is there does not mean they want a date for that night, or some person clinging to them. This is not a hook-up night, this is a place to talk and connect to people as people. Resist actions that might be seen as creepy, overenthusiastic, or overbearing.
  

• Don’t
  get wasted/drunk, and be “that” person.
  

• Please note:
  If you’re considering creating your own munch, make sure to see if there is already one (or five) in your local area. Is a new one really needed? Are you booking opposite anyone else’s events that might cross over? Examine social media sites, especially kink-specific sites, and see whether you can team up, cross-advertise, or build the project together, instead of stepping on each other’s toes.
  

Some munches take years to build popularity, especially in rural areas. Make sure you choose a place you like visiting anyway, just in case you as the munch organizer(s) end up there alone this month. Get word out about your munch (see Finding Events, above, for ideas on how folks look for munches), and don’t take it too personally if it takes a while — or if it explodes the first month, as it may if there’s a need in your area.

Fetish/Club Nights and Dance Parties

But what if I run into my non-kinky friends or coworkers or associates? If you run into a classmate or co-worker or acquaintance, guess what? They are kinky (or at least kink-curious), too! This can be awkward at first, but pull them aside and have a conversation about how to treat each other at the office. Most folks agree to simply not discuss it and pretend it never happened. Others create shared stories on why they now know each other better. So, you were spotted at the munch location by your non-kink acquaintances? Consider simply saying you are there to meet up with a group of friends for dinner. It’s true and simple.

Concept:
Slither into your finest fetish-wear, see and be seen, dance, take in a performance, or party until dawn. This may or may not be with kinky people, as some fetish nights are produced for and by nominally “vanilla” folks having fun playing dress-up.

What You May See:
Black shiny clothing or Halloween outfits, fetish finery, folks excited by their one pair of handcuffs, and a lot of people dancing to gothic/industrial music.

What to Wear:
Black, with shiny clothing being popular. Other colors may be an “edgy” fashion choice, though blood red and dark purple are popular as well. Events with a raver under-tone may also feature trippy futuristic style. If there is a theme to the night, dress to the theme if possible, or default to black.

Hints, Tips and Tricks:

• Look at photos
  from past events to gauge what to wear and what to expect from your local fetish night.
  

• Be prepared:
  pack a pair of earplugs (for loud music), your ID (most fetish nights are 21+), a friend to go with you (of course, stepping out solo is great, too!), your wit (especially if you can’t dance), and cab fare or a designated driver for the ride home in case you drink adult beverages.
  

• If the venue has a play area,
  introduce yourself to the person running the space, and ask before you play. A few pieces of gear is plenty — this is not the time to haul out your 60-pound roller bag of expensive whips.
  

• Please Note:
  This is a dance club, not a BDSM or sex club. Don’t get bounced from the club, or, worse yet, busted by the cops for having sex in a public venue, or for doing hardcore kink that may turn off the folks coming out just to dance.
  

That hot sexy person with whom you are flirting may be intoxicated. Know your own limits, too. Avoid heavy scenes and toys that can obstruct respiration (like gags or strict bondage) and consider asking “What are you on?” rather than “Are you on anything?” during your negotiation. This helps people to be forthcoming about their own possibly altered state.

Be aware of your personal comfort zones. Practice your “No, thank you,” and stick to your boundaries, just in case someone is being overbearing.

Leather Bars and Kink Cafes

Concept:
A place where kinky people can come and hang out with other kinky people.

What You May See:
Folks in leather vests, sitting on bar stools, some dancing and cruising, making out in dark corners, and the occasional special event night where folks dress to the nines. In the case of cafes, imagine the same folks, only they’re sitting at tables drinking a latte and working on their computers between flirting with folks. Or perhaps just kink people who just happen to be in the same space, all working on projects, surrounded by kinky art.

What to Wear:
Jeans and black leather vest, or something else “classic” leather/kink. Cafes are more open in wardrobe choices, and casual or business casual is encouraged, with perhaps a kink themed t-shirt.

Hints, Tips and Tricks:

• Get to know the locals.
  Get to know the personalities. Tip your bartenders and baristas, and casually chat with them about what it is that you are looking for. They might know the perfect person for you!
  

• Practice “cruising”
  At some leather bars, non-verbal communication is normal and encouraged. See someone you like? Look, look again, and if they maintain or intensify their eye contact, move forward, letting them make that last little bit of effort in the approach. Or work up your courage and politely approach them. If you do go cruising, keep a condom, lube, dental dam and/or your preferred method of barrier protection on you. just in case.
  

• Kink cafes are often
  just that — cafes. People do not cruise as actively there, and you are just as likely to find people discussing philosophy or physics as kink. Get to know people beyond their kinky interests.
  

• Patronize the establishment.
  These venues can only stay open with our support.
  

• Please Note:
  If you see someone at the bar or cafe, they may just be there for a drink or some social networking. Don’t hound them for information or smother them with attention, unless you’re sure your company is welcome.
  

If the flirtation becomes more physical, do keep in mind that a kiss or a butt-grab is not a contract for play. It may just be flirting.Don’t take it too personally if flirting is all that’s on the table.

Fetish Balls and Performance-Based Events

Concept:
Dress up and go to a big fetish-themed party with a big fetish-themed show!

What You May See:
Costumes, kinky stage shows (such as rope bondage, hook suspension, angle grinders spewing sparks, fashion shows, fire spinning, burlesque, drag king/queens — sometimes amateur locals, and sometimes professionals from around the world), DJs and the occasional live band, people heating up the dance floor, and the occasional vendor.

What to Wear:
Dress from simple fetish to downright extreme. If there’s a theme (e.g. Apocalypse, Latex, Kink Prom, Victorian, Vampire), get inspired by it! Look at photos from the last incarnation of the event to see the caliber of effort folks put into their wardrobe at your local fetish ball, but if in doubt, wear black that looks good and that helps you feel very sexy.

Hints, Tips and Tricks:

• Some of these
  have very specific fashion requirements for attendees (e.g. Skin Two Rubber Ball) — ask in advance or risk being turned away at the door. The wardrobe requirements help create a fantasy atmosphere, but you don’t need to spend hundreds on clothes unless it turns you on — think creatively, and brainstorm in advance.
  

• Eat before you go,
  and stay hydrated — dehydration in full latex is just asking for a health disaster. Scout for the bathroom when you get in, as the women’s restroom facilities often have quite a line due to complex wardrobe choices.
  

• Unless you know
  there will be a play s pace, leave your toybag at home. Do keep your ID, some money, and your cell phone on you, hidden in your cleavage, packed in your jock strap, or hidden in a disguised pocket in your outfit.
  

• Please Note:
  So me fetish events have play areas for everyone, others have areas to play for “known players” whose scenes become background performance art for the “tourists” to enjoy, some have a set show and no play area, and some are dance club nights with no show at all. Ask in advance before getting your hopes up.
  

  Take care of your feet and body. Those high heels may be less sexy if you have to stand on them, and climb stairs in them, all night long. If you are wearing the extreme tight-lace posture corset and ballet boots, consider packing a backup outfit to change into in case you need it after four hours.
  

  If walking a long distance to/from your car, bring a jacket to wear over your fabulous outfit, as you may want to keep a lower profile on the streets. Be extra cautious if you are in an unfamiliar or sketchy area. If you are concerned about your safety, ask one of the security folks at the event to help find you an escort to your car, or to call you a cab.
  

  Gauge your energy in advance. You don’t have to stay all night, and it may take you an hour to leave with all the good-byes and crowds.
  

  Many fetish balls have photographers, and your presence is read as permission to be photographed. If you are not “out” at the office, buy yourself a nice mask for the event.
  

Private/House Parties

Concept:
A gathering of kinky people at a private home to do kinky things together or in each other’s presence.

What You May See:
People socializing around the snack table in one area of the house while spanking, flogging or sex happens in another area of the house.

What to Wear:
Show up covered or in street clothes (this is a residential neighborhood and the hosts really don’t need the paparazzi); once you’re there, strip down or dress up to whatever makes you feel sexy and ready to get your kink on. Each house party has its own culture, so ask in advance what kind of gathering it is and how much folks dress up.

Hints, Tips and Tricks:

• Ask in advance
  about the concept of the party. How big is it usually? Is this more of a BDSM, swinger, fetish, or some other type of party? How early do folks show up? How early do folks start playing? Is there a specific play area, or is there play in the kitchen too? When does it usually end? Some house parties also have an introductions hour, an opening ritual, or a time that the door locks and no one new can come in. It’s much better to find out this stuff in advance.
  

• This is someone’s home.
  Leave it in as good or better condition than you found it, and treat the home and its belongings with respect. Offering to help set up or clean up, bringing something for the snack table, or showing up with a gift for the house is a great way to be an excellent guest.
  

• Ask for the tour!
  By letting folks know you are new, or new to this party, you will often get shown the house and favorite play areas, be introduced to new people, and get to connect with whoever is helping run the party.
  

• Please Note:
  Don’t spread the word without permission. If you want to bring a guest, ask if you can bring a guest. Your hosts may say yes, or they may inform you of community politics or personality conflicts you were unaware of. This is true as well for asking to come to a party — they may not know you well enough to give you their home address, or they may be looking only to add specific new elements to their party right now. This caution includes not spreading the word about who was there without their permission.
  

  Your behavior at the party reflects on you, and your sponsor if someone vouched for you. If you get banned from a party, your sponsor may be asked not to come back as well.
  

  Keep your conversation volume down around scenes that are happening, or take the conversation to the snack area. In fact, find out how loud noise carries in this neighborhood — screams at 3:00 AM may wake up the neighbors. This is especially true outside, on the sidewalk or in the backyard.
  

  Many folks find out about private parties by getting to know people at munches, or by having had long discussions with folks online. These events are rarely publicly posted, as they take place in private homes. In other cases, they are “after-parties,” where folks go after the fetish ball, big hotel event, or other event is over but nobody’s ready to break it up and head home. In these cases, they often spread via word of mouth near the end of the main event.
  

  If you are invited to a conference or kink event after-party, and see a well-known presenter, fetish model, or local event producer, remember they’re there for pleasure, not business. Don’t ask them details from a class or when their next big thing is, unless they bring it up. After-parties are often a chance for folks from the big events to let their hair down and finally decompress and play after a long weekend of work.
  

  In this age of social media, think smart about how you share your experiences. The whole community may not have known about, or been invited to, the party, and hosts may or may not be OK with details being shared. In fact, they may prefer if what happened at the party stay at the party, with no photos allowed and no blogging about the party beyond personal reflections on un-specified events. The flip side of this is that some parties take a lot of photos (or streaming videos) of their kinky antics and will post them all over the Internet. Assume that you yourself should not take pictures or otherwise share information unless you have asked. This includes sharing information before the party . . . online calendars are often publicly accessible, and posting your hosts’ address with a note “kinky sex party” may not be appreciated. This is especially true if they have children, are not “out” to relatives, or live in a state with especially stringent “house of ill repute” laws.