Playing Well With Others (10 page)

Think before you speak. Don’t ever “out” people in public spaces. In fact, even in kink-friendly space, yelling someone’s personal business is a no-no. Unless you have asked for and been expressly granted permission to share someone’s personal data and details, don’t do it.

The same applies to gender identity. Some people use the framework of our communities to explore their fluidity around gender. If the lovely, sexy flirty gal you met at the last munch strides past you presenting as male, blurting out “Hey, weren’t you a girl last weekend?” is not only inappropriate but disrespectful of their privacy and their journey, and can also compromise their safety. For some, this is the only safe space where they can undertake such journeys, and a thoughtless blunder can put them at very real risk.

Scene names can sometimes have several manifestations. Some people have a name they use in the pagan community, a name they use when they swing, another for BDSM play parties, and their human animal name . . . not counting the name on the government-issued identification. A friendly “Nice to see you again . . . um, how shall I address you?” works wonders for helping to manage that awkwardness and avoid potentially problematic faux pas. If you know there is a likelihood you’ll run into your kinky friend in public, ask them how they wish to be addressed, if at all, in public. Some people will prefer you pass on by without acknowledgment, some are willing to chat if they are alone but not if they are with a co-worker or family, and some are completely open to being acknowledged. Respecting their wishes will go a long way towards maintaining respect.

No matter how scrupulous you are about maintaining the privacy of your identity, you may run into situations where you have to make decisions about how closely you will hold your personal information. If you decide you wish to attend a local munch or play party, often your legal information needn’t be revealed. However, some organizations and events will need to obtain your legal information. If you are attending an adult play party or a kink convention, the hosts have a very real legal obligation to confirm that no minors are involved. You may be required to pay for the event with a credit card. If this is too big a concern or risk for you, don’t attend those events. Only you can make that call.

Event hosts are scrupulous about maintaining privacy: their reputations are on the line and producers are invested in maintaining the safety and comfort of their guests. If this still gives you pause, it is likely it will impact the quality of your enjoyment of that particular event.

Sharing stories

So much of what we do can be exciting, scary, thought-provoking, puzzling and enlightening — it feels like we need to tell everybody! With instant access (and we mean instant) to social networks, blogs, email discussion groups and the like, the average pervert has a virtually unlimited virtual audience available to them. Listening to the experiences of others, asking questions, swapping stories around the campfire, or blogging your experiences is a great way to join in the non-stop flow of discussion and dialogue in our community.

However, it is critical to err on the side of caution when discussing intimate details of intimate activities. Not everyone wants the details of their sex lives published on the Internet, or chatted up around the buffet table in the dungeon party.

If you are going to mention that you had an awesome flogging scene last night, rather than gushing, “I was playing with Mistress Madness at the Dark Dungeon X party last night — she is so amazing with a flogger . . . she has a really beautiful red-and gold handmade cat-o-nine-tails with an inset crystal handle. She is so talented with dirty talk during a scene, especially with that Australian accent of hers, and has the sexiest ass I’ve ever seen!”

. . . you might consider saying, “I was playing with a new play partner last night. They were really great with a flogger, had excellent energy, intriguing toys, and I thought they were incredibly sexy, too!”

The former, while wonderfully detailed, gives away the person’s identity, details of their property, and is maybe more information that the average person needs to know. Now, if you have asked Mistress Madness if she is happy with your detailed report posting, gush away! However, defaulting to the second option helps protect you and your partners.

This is even more true for posting and linking photos or videos. Many kink events restrict the use of photographic equipment of any kind. However, people often have kinky pictures of themselves and their friends, partners and lovers doing all manner of kinkiness. Even a picture taken at the dinner table at a munch has the potential to out someone if it shows up online. Before you share it on your friendly neighborhood fetish site, ask everyone in the picture if they are OK with being revealed in this manner. Some will say no, some will ask that their face be obscured, some are fine with being shown but not with any name associated, and some will want full photo credit and links to their own website.

When it comes to sharing your own information, we recommend proceeding with caution. Social networking has created circles, chutes, ladders, hidden doorways and amazing information streams that carry data all over the internet. Facial recognition technology makes it possible for a photo that isn’t tagged with your name to be linked back to you. Consider what your risks might be if suddenly everyone knew you enjoy consensual BDSM. If you can be out, that is fantastic; you’re very fortunate. The more kinksters out there about their kink, the less pathologized it becomes in the eyes of the casual observer. However, if you have any concerns, respect them and consider them before you take the plunge and post photos of the hot temporary piercing scene. In
Chapter 5
, we will further explore profiles and social media, with some helpful tips and considerations.

So, now that you have an awareness of kink culture and etiquette, the question stands. when do you get to do all this kinky stuff? Where do you meet kinky people? Where do you go? Are we there yet?

We’re glad you asked!

Chapter 3

So Many Choices! Events, Groups and Gatherings

Which Event Is Right for You?

I
N THE PAST
, kink events used to be rare, and gaining access to them was often a lengthy, difficult process. Now they are everywhere, it seems, and of unimaginable variety.

As you read about the various types of events, see what grabs your attention. Not all of them will appeal to you, nor should they. Becoming aware of the different types of events may help you focus on the events that will best fit your needs, wants and desires, and improve the return on your time, money and energy.

Research

As you look into the event you are considering, keep a few questions in mind:

• What type of event is it?
  Is it a munch, a dance club night, or a three-week escape to Jamaica with fetish performers and a full latex dress code? The type of event will determine how much it costs, how much planning is required, what to expect, and what to wear.
  

• Who can attend?
  Most kink events have age requirements for entry. These commonly start at the age of majority (when you are legally an adult). If this is an event where alcohol is served, the age limits are adjusted accordingly. Some events have further attendance restrictions. They may only allow people of a specific gender (in which case, you’ll want to research whether that criterion is based on birth gender, legal gender identification, or internal identity). Or they may be only for people under 35, people over 55, or members of the sponsoring club — to name just a few examples.
  

• What “hoops” does it take to attend?
  Some events are listed in the local newspaper and anyone can drop in. Others require pre-inter-views online, by phone, or in person. Still others require a current member’s recommendation and/or sponsorship to obtain access. Some will ask you to RSVP or register and make your payment before being given an address — or the address may not be provided to you until the night before the event. Some events require a legal ID, while other clubs will ask potential members to submit a photograph and formal application in advance.
  

Local legalities and culture may affect how “out” a community is, how large gatherings are, and how difficult it may be to get information about the community. A kink club or organization may have been burned by people in the past, have concerns over local laws, or fear becoming targeted victims of prejudice against alternative lifestyle choices. If the requirement does not seem reasonable to you, ask the event organizers why it is there, and then decide for yourself whether you want to jump through that hoop. Just because you have been in the scene for twenty years does not grant you a universal kink pass — if you are new to an area, not known by these specific folks, or local jurisdiction requires it, the hoops still apply. Graciously respecting the protocols set forth by a group with which you hope to interact is a fabulous social lubricant. And we strongly advocate for all manner of lubrication.

• What are the expectations for behavior?
  Though the list of types of events later in this chapter gives a starting point of what to expect, every event is its own unique little snowflake. Regional variations, cultural precedents, and the age and size of the group will all contribute to the flavor of each function. Asking in advance (or reading the event’s website and information pages for clues) about expected protocol, behavior, formality, sexual activity and/or social interaction can help you set an appropriate tone. This is totally optional: people often show up and wing it — but sometimes it’s nice to have a leg up . . . as it were.
  

• Is this event accessible?
  Some events are in in venues only accessible via stairs, and may not have wheelchair ramps. This can present a complication for those with mobility challenges. Other events may be in remote areas, away from public transit, creating problems for those who don’t have a car. Sometimes the accessibility concern has to do with finances: for some folks, the fee to enter an event or attend a larger convention is prohibitive. If the event seems not to be accessible to you, write in advance and see if there any creative solutions. There may be service elevators not usually available to the general public, the hosts might know some folks who can give you a lift, or there may be volunteer or scholarship options that reduce fees.
  

Don’t settle

When we first get involved in a new activity, we can’t always discern the subtle differences between the energy of various groups and events. If you find out that you enjoy roller-skating, you may not be aware that there are casual roller-skating rinks as well as folks who go out skating in parks on weekends, and that neither of these shares much socially or physically with joining a roller derby team. So it is for kink. So keep a few questions in mind as you do your research, to make sure you are not settling for what seems hip, cool, or simply conveniently located.

• What kind of person are you?
  Do you detest big crowds? Maybe that 1600-person conference is not the best place to make your pervy debut. Have a phobia about bugs? The kinky retreat at a rustic campground in rural woodlands probably is not the best place for you. Does the idea of intermixing alternative spirituality and alternative sexuality leave you cold? Consider not attending the event that focuses on drum-circle fueled hook-pulls, prayer gatherings and rituals.
  

  While thinking about what does not turn you on, also keep in mind what
  does
  get your motor running. What appeals to you? Do you enjoy watching big spectacles? Consider going to that fetish ball and seeing all of the over-the-top performances. Do you have an altruistic streak? Try getting involved with events that focus on fundraising for a great cause.
  

• What drew you to the kink community?
  In
  Chapter 1
  , we touched on some reasons people choose to get involved with the kink community. Your answers there can help you decide how best to get involved. For example, if you want to focus on play, look for events that have a play party or available dungeon time. If you are interested in education, look at class lists and descriptions of what is being discussed. Single folks looking to meet new people can look for events with mixers, meet and greets, and speed dating options (though you can meet new people other places as well — check out
  Chapter 5
  for more ideas).
  

• With whom are you exploring?
  If you are embarking on this journey with spouses, partners, friends, or family of choice, what are the needs of everyone involved? If you are looking for educational opportunities, and your partner is only interested in going places where you can get naked, a hands-on class on about a specific sexual skill may be a better match than a weekend of cerebral conversations. We don’t have to get the same things out an event as our partners, but dragging someone along to something they will deeply dislike is not going to encourage your growth or maximize everyone’s pleasure.
  

  Different kink events will have different financial requirements The price of admission can vary wildly — from free, to “bring a pot-luck item to share,” to $5-$250 for a class, and $30-$4000 (not including your airfare) for a conference, vacation, intensive, cruise or retreat. Much can be ascertained by reading their material in advance. Invest your time/energy/money in what feeds you and works for your needs, wants and desires. The closest option does not necessarily mean the best option for you. It might take you a little longer, and you might have to exert more effort, but in the long run you’ll have a better experience if you invest your time wisely.