Playing Well With Others (14 page)

Private Dungeons, SM Clubs and Play Spaces

Concept:
A venue where kinky people can do kinky things with other kinky people, available to those who are in the know, have jumped through multiple hoops, or helped build the space in the first place. Variation: Floor Parties, where folks rent out a floor of a hotel and convert it for one night/weekend into a kinky play area for known players in their area. Another variation is a setup referred to as Shared Spaces, where a group of people, couples or families of choice pitch in to share rent on an apartment or house that they turn into a play space and share access.

What You May See:
The same stuff you’ll see at public dungeons and play spaces, but with a more select gathering of folks or sometimes more extreme play.

What to Wear:
Whatever the rules of the club encourge you to wear. Some clubs are kink casual, others are high formal to help build up the fantasy experience, while a handful have explicit dress code requirements.

Hints, Tips and Tricks:

• Donate your time and resources
  to connect with the group. If you have a piece of equipment to lend, can help with cleaning, or have skills to help drywall a room, your resources can help you make friends and connect with the space.
  

• Some kinksters feel
  that their private club is the place they feel more at home than at home. Treat the space like someone’s home . . . because it is. Though some private clubs have paid help, this is the exception rather than the rule; usually, everyone is volunteering to help take care of this place they care about, creating a deep sense of intimacy along the way.
  

• Please Note:
  It may not be fancy. Some dungeons are exclusive for reasons of privacy, not because they are elegant. In fact, it may be two pieces of equipment in a poorly lit basement with Enya on repeat. Ask before you show up in your haute-couture neoprene ballgown.
  

  You may not be able to join. Some private dungeons are for groups of friends to enjoy each other’s company, or for only one specific demographic.
  

  Cover your kink attire when outside, or change at the venue. Drawing attention to the party negates the purpose of the word “private.”
  

Fetish Nights at Swinger Clubs/Bathhouses

Concept:
Sex club special event where they spice it up a bit.

What You May See:
People having sexual encounters wearing their hot fantasy PVC and enjoying a pair of fuzzy handcuffs or riding crop.

What to Wear:
Dress for basic kink, or two degrees sexier than the venue normally dresses. Thus, in bathhouses where folks are normally nude or wearing just a towel and a smile, a pair of boots and a leather chest harness added to your nude form is a great start, while at a swingers club, sexy lingerie, a collar and some high heels are often in vogue.

Hints, Tips and Tricks:

• Talk to the venue hosts
  when you get there. Some do orientations, but others are happy to answer such questions as “what is the wildest thing you’ve seen here at this fetish night?” If their answer is mild bondage and a hot flogging, this is probably not the optimal venue for your abduction and gang-rape fantasy.
  

• Bring your own supplies.
  Though some sex clubs have condoms and lube available for use, gloves, dental dams, and options for folks with latex allergy are rare. Bringing your own safer sex supplies in a small “trick bag” of some sort is a great way to not be caught in a hot moment without the right stuff. This also applies to your kink toys. and you aren’t off the hook either, bottoms! Bring your own kit, and perhaps a pair of wrist cuffs, an impact toy or your favorite nipple clamps if you are hoping to play. Not everyone will have toys.
  

• You don’t have to hook up
  if you don’t want to. A lot of folks come to such clubs to connect with their partner in a sexy environment, or to ogle the eye candy. In fact, for many kinky people who have been part of the BDSM community for some time, a night like this might be their first foray into public or semi-public sex, so they may choose to attend with folks they know well. Opportunities are often available for anonymous sex hookups too.
  

• Please Note:
  Many sex play clubs are more attuned to and reliant upon non-verbal communication than SM clubs. For instance, a come-hither glance may be seen as a form of cruising. Thus, someone may touch you or you partner without verbally asking in advance.
  

  Just because that person owns a tool, don’t assume they know how to use it. Though this statement is true everywhere, this kind of sexy night can be even more misleading, as many folks are here to spice up their sex life, and may not be part of the kinky sex community or have any kinky skills. A whip dangling from a belt may be a sexy prop rather than a sign of expertise.
  

  On occasion, these venues will rent out their facilities to kink groups, organizations and clubs. In these cases, treat the event as either a public play party or a private play party (with a bit of a sexual edge), depending on whether it is open to the public, or by-invitation-only. Find out whether the regular population of the swingers club and bathhouse will be there, often being “tourists,” or if it will only be a sexy venue, with the fetish, BDSM or leather group using it as a rental.
  

Club Operations, Boards & Meetings

Concept:
The behind-the -scenes meetings and gatherings that help all the fun actually take place.

What You May See:
People sitting around a table at a restaurant, in someone’s house, or holding a formal board meeting — debating the value of venue costs, sharing challenges from recent events, or discussing whether someone should be allowed to join.

What to Wear:
Leather clubs may require attendance in full colors/uniform, while most other groups are more casual. Jeans and black t-shirt are an easy default, as is business casual clothing.

Hints, Tips and Tricks:

• Bring your notebook!
  If someone mentions something you want to remember for later,writing it down is often the best system for actually doing so.
  

• What do you have to share?
  Everyone can help make the kink community a better place. You can give back to your community in a variety of ways, including teaching, leading, holding a board position, volun-teerism (in advance or at the party), blogging, writing about upcoming events, event building, helping make equipment, offering quality advice, running registration systems, and more!
  

• Please Note:
  Don’t show up and complain that it was boring. It was an administrative meeting. Yes, some kinky groups mix up their administrative meetings with fun, sexy times . . . but most are straight-up administrative meetings. That party you want to go to will not magically happen without some serious work behind it.
  

  Watch and listen before investing/taking sides; neutrality may be a more appropriate approach than playing partisan politics. If in doubt, remember to respect all parties involved, even if you don’t agree with them.
  

One of the cooler side-effects of presenting at so many different conventions is that, over the years, I really have seen how much a kink convention reflects the prevailing attitudes, social ebbs and flows and how well you can build relationships over time and distance. There are some folks I only see at conventions, and I value their friendships for the grounding presence they provide in a whirlwind of activity. It can seem daunting to walk into a big convention, teeming with a thousand people, but knowing that my friends will be there makes it worth the sometimes frenzied pace. Focusing on one-on-one interactions helps me when I am feeling overwhelmed and discombobulated.

The Big Hotel Event

Concept:
A conference on and about a diverse selection of kink, in a hotel, convention center or other large venue.

What You May See:
People attending classes on a variety of topics, shopping in the vending area, exploring desires in the dungeon/play space, listening to keynote speakers, donating at fundraisers, partying at special events, and/or milling about and flirting in social/networking spaces. Cons come in all shapes and sizes, and size does matter. Below is a rough breakdown of large event types. Local events usually draw heavily from local talent for presenters and attract people within a small geographic radius. Regional events may be sponsored by a larger organization or several groups working together, and attract attendees and presenters from a broader region. National events are usually annual, and can become a destination event for people from all over the country. International events are often pretty sizable, with presenters flying in from all over the world and kinky folks travelling in to meet up and share with people they might not otherwise ever have the chance to meet. Your thirst for knowledge will vary; try to decide what your desires are when selecting a large hotel event. Do you need just a little sip, or are you parched for sensory input?

Keep in mind that some huge cons are more local events, and some smaller cons will bring in presenters from many different countries: it depends on the ambition, resources and vision of the event producers.

What to Wear:
Semi-casual clothes you feel sexy in during the daytime, fetish and sexy finery at night. If the event rules say everyone must be “street legal” — they mean what would be acceptable on the street of that town, not pasties and a jockstrap.

Hints, Tips and Tricks:

• If the big event
  has an orientation session, go to it. It is here that you will learn the local culture and rules, meet other new folks, and get the skinny on how to best operate at this specific hotel event.
  

• Study the schedule,
  circling the stuff you want to do. If the schedule winds up looking like it has a severe case of ringworm, step back, think about what you
  really
  want to do, and clarify your priorities. Budget time for conversations after class, the scenes you hope to do (and buffer plenty of extra time between them if you have multiple dates planned), and time to make it to the vendor area. It is really easy to get sucked into wanting to do it all, but that’s not really possible — pace yourself and leave space for random magic moments to happen. This includes, in some cases, making sure you take meal breaks for yourself in the midst of densely scheduled events.
  

• The venue may be sprawling:
  consider comfortable shoes.
  

• Want an escort
  to your hotel room, feeling concerned about something you just saw, or having a health challenge? Event security, medical team, staff, or dungeon monitors may be able to help.
  

• Please Note:
  Be prepared for strong/explicit language, a sexually charged atmosphere and seeing or hearing about new things — including some extreme types of play, or kinks you might think strange or unusual. The variety of human sexual desire is vast, and for many folks their first big kink con can throw them for a loop. Folks can be equally surprised by the amount of laughter, silliness, joy, friendship and happiness at such events.
  

  Watch your language, attire and behavior in elevators, restaurants and other shared spaces. Grandma and the grandkids do not need to hear about the anal fisting class, and the waiter did not consent to watching you spank your lover. Remember — respect.
  

  Some venues ban the use of phones entirely. Some allow limited usage in specific areas. Take your phone call outside the main programming spaces. Talking on your phone in the venue may not be against the event rules, but it is rude, and may cause people to worry about whether you are taking a picture of them.
  

  If you are concerned about photos, find out what the photo policy is at the event: often, event wristbands are color-coded to indicate whether the wearer is OK with being photographed. Event photographers are very diligent about respecting these bands. Sometimes, there are specific areas where photography is permitted or encouraged, jump on in or avoid these places as best suits you.