Playing Well With Others (16 page)

Leather Contests and Title Competitions

Concept:
A leather/ kink contest or pageant. They may have a skill-based, political or explicitly sexual focus.

What You May See:
People on stage in sexy outfits vying for a title or honors through questions, performances, and speeches, while judges sit to one side judging, and an audience watches and/or cruises each other. If it is a skill-based event, like a bootblacking competition, there will be competitors showing off their skills for attendees. You may also see stage entertainment, demos, an opening act, funny MCs, a serious presentation of the national flag, step-down speeches, and someone getting laid in a dark corner of the bar.

Though some local events are stand-alone competitions, many are “feeders” for larger regional, national or international titles. That means that the winner of the local event will go on to compete at a different event. The international events are often truly international affairs. For example, International Mr. Leather, held annually in Chicago, which features contestants from five countries, hosted more than 15,000 attendees in 2008, and includes a world-class vendor market, parties, special dinners, and more.

What to Wear:
Dress to the theme of the competition, or as close as is comfortable. Leather title competition? Wearing leather trousers, vest and boots is a safe choice, but dressing in rubber or a corset and heels would be OK too, as might crisp jeans, boots, and a leather vest. Some events will only allow in those in appropriate theme dress. Former title holders are expected to show up wearing their sashes/vests/medals so that they may represent the history of the event when former titleholders are called to stage.

Hints, Tips and Tricks:

• See and be seen.
  Dressing up, getting inspired, and people-watching are all good fun. You may end up hooking up, but more likely you’ll have a chance to socialize, flirt, be inspired to the history of the community, and see people who only come out on occasion.
  

• Bring money for the charity fundraiser
  (th ere usually is one), drinks (local titles are often held at bars), to have your boots blacked, and for cab fare home just in case.
  

• Find out
  what the judging criteria are for the people vying for the title. This might include a “fantasy” (a skit or an act, usually set to music, that demonstrates a particular theme or idea that the competitor finds compelling, or hot as hell, or both), a speech (especially in political titles), pop questions, a specific skillset (such as bootblack or educational titles) and an interview. but many are criteria that audiences can get in on, through cheering or directly supporting their favorite candidate for their sexy look, overall audience interaction, and ability to fundraise.
  

• Please Note:
  In many communities, contests may start late and go long, so if you’re there to support someone, don’t make a date for right afterwards.
  

  Leather press and LGBT media regularly cover title competitions. If you are not OK with having your photo taken, try very hard to stay out of their way. Again, a basic mask can be your friend.
  

  Many contests are sponsored by bars or alcohol companies. If you have a history with substance abuse, be aware of your capacity to be in the venue to support those running.
  

Intensive Education

Concept:
Kinky learning experiences that allow for immersive education, ranging from six hours to a week-long retreat to a weekend a month for eighteen months.

What You May See:
People sitting around in a circle talking about their relationships, a room full of folks practicing how to “throw” a whip, or ten different educators taking turns filling students with amazing ideas.

What to Wear:
Ask in advance. Some are casual affairs, while some require all attendees to be in specific wardrobe/uniform or nude.

Hints, Tips and Tricks:

• Ask what the format will be.
  The intensive may be a single educator speaking on only one topic or speaking on many topics. It may be a small number of presenters teaching right after each other, building on what came before (unlike the big hotel event, where education is a “choose your own adventure”). It may be an anarchistic or attendee-driven format, using the “un-conference” model to create exactly what attendees are asking for once they get there.
  

• Sign up early.
  Most intensive education opportunities have very limited numbers, and tend to sell out in most areas.
  

• Clear your other obligations,
  if at all possible. Being able to truly “immerse” yourself in the experience is part of the journey, and constant calls from the office or text messages from your cranky cousin can be distracting.
  

• Please Note:
  Be kind to yourself. Your brain may get full, or you may have breakthroughs and revelations. If you need to go get some water, take a short walk and then come back, most intensives are willing to help make that happen.
  

Leadership Conferences and Alternative Academia

Concept:
Leaders and academics gathering to discuss theories of sexuality, community structure, and other “meta” concepts.

What You May See:
Rooms with people all passionately listening to or sharing on topics of sexual health, community building, or discussing the challenges being “out” in their field.

What to Wear:
Business casual, business formal, or jeans with leather vest and dark shirt, depending on the specific event. Though showing up in fetish finery to the lecture at Harvard may grab attention, ask yourself if it may pull focus from your message or redirect conversation.

Hints, Tips and Tricks:

• Bring your notebook,
  business cards, resources, and smart phone. This is a chance to network on your own behalf, as well as to connect event attendees with people in other regions doing similar work.
  

• Insert some joy into the proceedings.
  Make sure to grab lunch with a friend, update your social media network so your “home team” can cheer you on, or do other things to keep yourself (and others) smiling or at least on a good note with one another.
  

• Please Note:
  This may not be “exciting” if you are not wired for academia, or if stuff like politics and community leadership doesn’t get your gonads galloping.
  

  Your feathers
  will
  get ruffled. Someone
  will
  piss you off. And, eventually, you’ll be the ruffler or the pisser, so to speak. If you go to enough gatherings of activists, academics or leaders, you will eventually disagree or agree with someone enough to raise your blood pressure. Have a plan in advance as to how to process what comes up for you.
  

  If representing kink out in the world of academia (such as guest-lecturing at a local college), keep in mind whether you are providing a balanced perspective on this complex community and set of desires, or if you are simply providing shock value or titillation.
  

When Kink is Just a Slice

Concept:
A big event that is not about kink, but that has a kink contingent or nearby party. Some examples include science fiction conventions and Burning Man.

What You May See:
Captain Kirk in a slave collar, pirate wenches with whips, and modern primitives on the playa sporting dust-covered leather cuffs.

What to Wear:
Whatever the local culture is will determine your wardrobe. Then, add a layer of subtle kink over the top.

Hints, Tips and Tricks:

• Finding out someone is kinky,
  as well as into this thing you are also into (Burning Man, Renaissance, Sci-Fi, Anime, Paganism, Furries, etc.) means you have multiple shared “axes of freakdom.” Having mutual interests can be good for making long-term connections.
  

• Bring kink resources
  for the larger kink community with you. You may meet people who are kinky, but did not know there were such things as munches, kink conferences, etc. You can help educate them if they are interested in learning more (or lend them your copy of this book).
  

• Please Note:
  Don’t make assumptions about just how kinky or not kinky someone is based on their wardrobe or a collar. Especially at science-fiction, anime, and role playing game conventions, kink as fashion statement is quite common.
  

  The private party may
  really
  be private. They may not want folks knowing about the party, and sharing the location, even with that really hot hottie on whom you are crushing, may get you removed from the invite list.
  

  Many of these events are all-ages gatherings. Be discreet about your kink interests, unless behind closed doors or veiled in a topic appropriate for the venue and population as a whole. And since it is all ages, be aware that that person in the collar or carrying the handcuffs might be fourteen years old.
  

Faith and Spirituality Gatherings

Concept:
Kinky people expressing their faith together. Sometimes kink is the manifestation of the faith, sometimes the faith is given a kinky spin, other kinky folks come together to practice their more classical religious or spiritual rites.

What You May See:
Hook pulls and flesh suspensions, a leather-friendly Seder, naked drumming around fire pits, or a group of people who happen to be kinksters attending church services.

What to Wear:
This will depend entirely on what kind of gathering it is. Some may be “sky clad” (pagan-speak for naked) or in body paint, while others are in dress leathers, street clothes, or perhaps their Sunday best.

Hints, Tips and Tricks:

• Come With an open mind.
  You never know, you might have a good time, whether or not you have a transcendent experience.
  

• Find out what kind of gathering it will be.
  Will there be fire walking, singing of hymns, hours of silent meditation, speaking in tongues, reading and discussion of doctrinal texts around a living room, sitting in a sweat lodge, cathartic flogging ritual work, a leather tribal revival, building a giant altar together, or something else?
  

• Be authentic.
  Try not to worry about being too weird, or not weird enough. Just . . . be.
  

• Please Note:
  You are not guaranteed a magical experience. Though some of these gatherings may have moments of shared revelation, inspiration, or transcendence, there is also a chance that you may be bored, confused, or offended.
  

  Don’t proselytize. Even if your kink is an integral part of your faith, or your faith is an integral part of your kink, and you have been deeply touched, other people may not “get” it, nor should they have to.
  

  We all carry preconceived notions of different faiths as a whole, and of which one should or should not be kink- or sex-friendly. Kink faith/spirit events are Pagan, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Shamanic, Vodou, Tantric, Radical Faerie, New Age, “Non-Secular” and more. You may be comfortable with some of these, but not others.
  

Virtual Communities and Gatherings

Concept:
Kinky people gathering on the Internet to discuss, connect, flirt or play.

What You May See:
An online bulletin board, social media system, someone’s webcam, or collection of virtual people mingling and playing with one another in a virtual world on your computer screen while you sit at home, or having a LAN party (folks with computers all on the same network or in the same room while on the same online system).

What to Wear:
Whatever you are comfortable in. Some people hop online nude, while others are in jeans and t-shirts, or full fetish regalia. Wearing an outfit that turns you on can help connect your virtual community with your phyical experience.

Hints, Tips and Tricks: