Playing Well With Others (22 page)

Compassion for your shyness means understanding why you have those feelings. Have you always been shy? Was there a pivotal event or time in your life that drove you to be especially hesitant around other people? Is it new people, places and things that prove difficult? Or are you really conscious of your personal boundaries, and your shyness is a protective mechanism? Knowing the root of your shyness can help you to overcome it enough to get you where you want to be. You may have very real reasons for your hesitations, and if pushing past it causes undue hurt or damage, or you are living with a type of severe social anxiety, consider working with professionals to address these concerns.

For those who have always been shy, collaborating with other shy folk is an excellent way to have an empathetic buddy. Don’t be shy about your shyness! Kinky folks tend to want to help out, and if, for example, you are having a hard time working up the nerve to go to your local munch, letting the person running it know this can help them help you feel more comfortable. Shyness cuts across all facets of our communities. Dominant people can be shy, too. Don’t let your identity in the community push you to act a certain way.

Aside from yourself, the only person who is going to know you identify as shy is . . . you. This is one of those places where a “Fake it until you make it!” strategy can work.

Give yourself credit if you step outside your comfort zone, even for the “small” stuff. Sending out that friend request to someone on a social media site is a brave thing to do! Pat yourself on the back, and acknowledge your bravery. The more positive reinforcement you provide for yourself, the more you’ll feel comfortable stretching your own boundaries into new and exciting adventures.

You can also take steps to work around shyness in proactive ways! Some of these tactics might include:

As a shy person hidden inside the wrappings of an extrovert, I’ve had to work twice as hard to feel comfortable in social settings. There are times when I feel so terribly awkward about walking into that munch, that event, or that party and I have to remember to breathe, and to relax. If I’m having a particularly difficult time relaxing, I’ll find someone with whom I can connect, one-on-one, and let them know how I’m feeling. I’ve found that even the simple act of saying “Wow, I feel really weird and out of place right now!” helps me to become more grounded, and gives me the chance to receive reassurance from another human. It helps a lot.

• Wearing a funny or clever t-shirt as an icebreaker.
  

• Printing up a business card that says “Hi! I’m shy but I think you’re cool! Here’s how to contact me!”
  

• Teaming up with a friend who is less shy than you and having them help you network.
  

• Volunteering for positions at events where you are compelled to talk to people (like registration at a convention, or the front desk at a party.)
  

• Treating that difficult moment like your own “scene.” Dare yourself to speak to three new people at that party.
  

• Checking in and debriefing yourself after each event, giving yourself credit for even the smallest victories!
  

All we kinksters have been awkward outsiders at some point — some parts of each of us don’t necessarily fit in the default world, so we seek out like-minded folks with whom we can connect. This knowledge can help you open up to others: we are all bonded by “otherness” of some sort.

A lot of what people fear about connecting with people is rejection. It is a scary thing, we agree. However — rejection is not always a bad thing. In fact, it can really be helpful in building your self-esteem. That new person in whom you are interested who shuts you down has given you a gift. By letting you know immediately the connection isn’t mutual, you can let go and move on to more productive interactions. Though it seems counter-intuitive, surviving a “No” strengthens you. It gives you the power to move on and remember that there are many more people with whom you can successfully connect. It may be tempting to mope and feel sad, and wonder “Why don’t they like me?” but the fact is, they don’t know you. They have their own story about who you are, what they want, and where they are in their lives. It is important not to put too much importance on any single interaction. Put yourself out there, keep a positive attitude, and you can and will connect.

Once you’ve practiced making those initial connections, you’ll have a whole new world opening up to you! Coming up in
Chapter 9
, we have some great ideas on asking to play, hooking up, and then figuring out what to do once that conversation gets rolling.

Volunteering and stepping up

Another fun way to get to know folks is becoming a volunteer. By stepping up and helping out, you not only meet people, you up your personal investment in the community. Many events and organizations within the kink communities tend to be volunteer run as a labor of love. A few examples of volunteer opportunities include:

• Dungeon monitor
  (s omeone who oversees play areas, may require training)
  

• Medical staff
  (for those with medical backgrounds)
  

• Event registration
  (helping people sign up for the event, check in, and get information as they come through the door)
  

• Equipment setup/teardown
  (investing “sweat equity”)
  

• Hospitality
  (keeping everyone fed and hydrated)
  

• Decoration and room setup
  (making the space pretty and usable for its function)
  

• Demo bottom/top
  (assisting presenter in demonstrating a scene or technique)
  

• Classroom assistant
  (introd ucing the presenter and/or serving as a liaison between the presenter and event)
  

Volunteeraholic?

Some individuals love volunteering, do it from an open heart, and may do it a lot, but they get a lot out of it emotionally or energetically. Others, however, compulsively volunteer even though they are frustrated, overtaxed and feel drained by the process. Be aware of which you are, and weigh whether you are helping from a place of charity, are being fairly compensated (such as with entry to an event), or if you are doing it because you are trying to fill an emotional void.

By volunteering, you also can forge connections with the people who are organizing and running events. If there are no official volunteer positions at a particular event, just offer to help if you can: it means a lot to event organizers and they tend to remember it later . . . and event organizers know a lot of people. Even an hour of helping out can really make a difference.

Some events require work shifts from every attendee — make sure to choose tasks that suit your personality. By building the event together, you help invest in its greatness. This may seem frustrating if you paid to get in. If you really don’t want to volunteer, ask if there is a “vacation / resort” option to get you off the hook.

Managing Your Virtual Self

Not only do we meet people in person, but we also do a lot of our kink connecting online. Amidst all the porn and pretty pictures are real people making real connections around their real desires. But how do we meet people between the pixels, and make those real connections, rather than just ending up in a sea of spam and frustration?

What will serve your desires?

The first question to ask, as we did with in-person interactions, is: what do you want and desire? Do you want to get laid, build a relationship, or have a community to reach out to feel a part of? Are you hoping for a one-night stand, or friendships to last a lifetime? This answer will determine where you build your online profiles, as well as what those profiles will include.

That’s not to say you can’t find one-night play partners on community sites. A lot of people do. It’s just a matter of considering what the primary focus of a site is, and maximizing your energy based on your desires. Trying to find a life-mate on Craigslist Casual Encounters may not be the best choice.

There are lots of different kinds of websites. Cruising sites, hookup sites, social networking sites, shared interest sites, event sites, discussion and chat sites, dating sites, blogs/online journals, informational sites, porn sites, personal websites . . . and more! Some sites are for kinky people only, while others are broader interest but have a few kinky people on there doing their thing in the background. See
Appendix 4B
for some places to set up profiles and start connecting with others.

Now that you know why you are hopping online and know where to put your profile, you get to write it. This does not mean you copy it from someone else’s profile and change your name. Inspiration is fantastic, but plagiarism is not.

You can be as succinct or as verbose as you like, but know that very few people read past the first paragraph when doing their initial scan. If you want to be perceived as a three-dimensional being, consider mentioning more about yourself than a vivid description of your genitals and your favorite three fetishes. Consider as well what details you are choosing to share, as in some parts of the community sharing every single one of your fetishes or interests can leave people overwhelmed or confused about you focus. Some opt for minimalism, while others choose to list everything so that the reader gets the full picture. You can’t control how other people will see you, but you can decide to be as honest as is feasible. Keep it straightforward and real, and remain true to yourself.

I worked for the company that owned ALT.com and Bondage.com - and let me say, I saw more profiles than anyone ever should. Occasionally, I’d take a phone call if a customer had a serious issue. One day, a woman was transferred to my desk, and I needed her handle in order to log into her account and try to resolve her issue. “Can’t you look it up by my e-mail address?” she asked, her voice strained. “Sorry, ma’am, not in this system.” She sighed and mumbled something. “Could you repeat that, please?” I asked, as I was unable to understand her hoarse whisper. She cleared her throat “Daddymumbl-emumblemumble . . .” My turn to sigh “Look, just spell it out for me, OK.” “Fine, its D-A-D-D-Y-S-L-I-T-T-L-E-C-U-M-W-H-O-R- E.” “OK! Got it, thanks.” I wondered if she introduced herself as such as, say, her local munch. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having an explicit or saucy moniker . . . so long as you’re fully comfortable with it, and prepared to step into the persona you’ve created.

Check your spelling and your grammar. Read your draft aloud to yourself Have a friend read it over, or at least read it yourself a second time, before posting at 4:00AM. It doesn’t have to be flawless, but it needs to be coherent. And remember, you can always change or update it. In fact, your profile is a living document. Updating your profile to reflect your current reality shows that you are engaging the media in question on a regular basis, and not just putting up a place-holder.

Beyond your profile description, your profile name or “handle” will also say a lot about you. For some people, their handle is a simple translation of their scene name. For others, it is a statement of desire, identity, humor, or philosophical beliefs. Others choose to use their legal names. Sometimes, your handle ends up accidentally becoming your scene name whether you intended it to or not, because people will see the handle over and over again, and come to associate that handle with your images, words, thoughts and desires. Thus, think carefully about your handles, just as you will want to think carefully about your scene name.