Playing Well With Others (25 page)

We hear it time and time again: Person One decides to go to the kink event with their partner, Person Two. Person Two gets bored/gets turned off/ has a bad time, and blames Person One for taking them along. Or Person One goes off to have fun and Person Two is left feeling abandoned. The variations go on and on.

Exploring kink with a partner is a slightly different adventure than exploring kink alone, as is exploring it by yourself with a partner who is cheering you on while staying home. Let’s talk about the prep we can do within our relationships, and within ourselves, to have our wants, needs and desires met.

Shapes of relationships

Compared to the world at large, where asking if someone is married or not is assumed to be plenty of information about that person’s relationships, the kink community is overflowing with a zillion different relationship styles. There is no requirement that you change your pre-existing relationship structure to match any of these shapes, no matter what High Lord Domly Dom at Dark Dungeon X might say. However, it is useful to be aware of some of the relationship shapes that are out there, as you will encounter them in your wanderings.

Awareness of some of the relationship configurations out there may also help you define your own unique relationship. Are you a monogamous couple that wants to swing together, but only at sex clubs? Fantastic! Perhaps you are a polyamorous triad who is okay with power exchange and service outside the relationship, but all sexual and physical kink play takes place within your closed system? Huzzah! No relationship dynamic will work for everyone, and no two relationships are identical.

• Monogamy.
  Mo nogamy is generally defined as one person being involved with, or open to being involved with, one other person only. However, beyond that, it’s hard to get consensus as to what individuals define as monogamous behavior. People may be sexually or erotically monogamous (sexually or erotically involved with one person), emotionally or romantically monogamous (emotionally or romantically involved with one person), socially monogamous (the world at large knows them as being with their one partner), or have an identity as monogamous.
  

  If you identify as monogamous, or use the word “monogamy” to explain your dynamic — what does that mean to you? What do the behaviors you expect look like? Does your monogamy have non-sexual exceptions, such as you are okay with your partner being spanked by someone else? Special circumstances, like it’s okay only if you’re there, it has been pre-approved, or if you don’t have to hear about it? What do you define as sexual? Would bondage cross your sexual line, or is it not “sex” in your mind unless both parties had orgasms? How would you feel if your partner had an orgasm while being flogged, but there was no genital touch?
  

  Some monogamous couples are fine with outside sexual play, but not with outside romantic engagements; these folks will have to define what they mean by “romantic engagements.” There are those who are fine with outside romance, but not okay with outside play. Perhaps you are okay with your spouse being part of a same-gender gang bang, but not okay with them flirting one on one with anyone of a different gender — or the reverse. Many of these lines are based on how people define intimate behaviors (see later in this chapter), or on what things they feel might threaten the relationship.
  

I started referring to myself as “mono-amorous” because I was dissatisfied with “monogamous” to describe my MO. “Monogamy” refers to a one-on-one marriage, and doesn’t parallel polyamory, which means “many loves.” While I have dear friends with whom I play, while I might occasionally enjoy an NSA fling, my heart and soul and mind function optimally when I am connected in a one-on-one, emotionally intimate, committed loving relationship. Question labels until you find the ones that work best for who you are today!

• Polyamory (aka poly).
  Polyamory generally means a person being involved with, or open to being involved with, more than one other person. Beyond that, though, it’s as tough to define as monogamy. All the variations we discussed under “monogamy” apply equally to poly.
  

  If you identify as polyamorous, or use the word polyamory to explain your dynamic, what does that mean to you? Are you in a hierarchical polyamorous dynamic with a primary partner, secondary partner, and tertiary partner, and, if so, what time/resource, emotional and sexual expectations might each of those partners have? Do you engage in egalitarian polyamory, where all partners are on equal footing? Are you in a dedicated or poly-fidelitous triad, quad or family? Perhaps you are polyandrous (many husbands) or polygamous (many wives)?
  

  More relationships can often equal more bureaucracy, as participants must consider expenditure of all resources, including time, energy, money, space, and emotions. Shared online calendar systems can go from being nice to being vital. However, in these complex days, even monogamous folks have so many relationships — career, children, friendships, volunteer work, hobbies, etc. — that poly-style planning and sharing skills can be important.
  

I have always been wired polyamorous, and have been in open or multi-partnered relationships since I was a teen. However, for a while my partner and I were not seeing or playing with anyone else. We had to talk about that, and make sure that we were okay that our identity was poly, but our behaviors were mono at that time.

• Consensual non-monogamy.
  Consensual non-monogamy (sometimes called “expanded monogamy”) is typically one person being involved with, or open to being involved with, more than one other person, in a specific construct that has been agreed upon by all parties in advance. However, beyond that, it’s as tough to define as the other relationship styles we’ve discussed. People may have pre-approved event trysts (playing sexually or doing BDSM with a pre-approved outside person at events only), carte-blanche event trysts (playing sexually or doing BDSM with any outside person at events only), swinging (see below), have open marriages (a monogamous marriage as the primary/base relationship with outside encounters or dynamics), identify as “ethical sluts,” or build other systems that work for them.
  

  If you identify as non-monogamous, or use the word non-monogamy to explain your dynamic, what does that mean to you? Does “swinging” in your world mean swinging with only one other person who has been pre-vetted, swinging as a couple with another couple (aka “swapping” or “wife swapping”), swinging only if your partner gets to watch/interact, group swinging and orgies, swinging at clubs or specific venues, swinging with anonymous hookups, swinging within ongoing relationships, swinging without sexual intercourse involved, or something else entirely? These same options exist outside of swinging, in kink play too!
  

Isn’t It Cheating?

For some people, infidelity (emotional, physical, or otherwise), consensually arranged or not, is something they cannot tolerate. It is by their definition “cheating.” For others, it’s only cheating when the tryst or outside relationship has not been pre-arranged, while others still only consider it cheating if someone outright lied during or after the encounter. What do you consider cheating to look like? Are you okay playing with someone who already has a partner? Will you feel better, or worse, talking with that partner? Be aware of your own internal compass. There are no “shoulds” here, only what works for you and your partner(s). An open relationship may or may not equal a promiscuous relationship. There are some non-monogamous individuals who will have sex with anything that moves, and others who have zero interest playing with anyone beside their three partners. The same applies with monogamous individuals - some save their sexual energy for their singular life partner, while others sow their wild oats until they settle down with the one right person.

• Professional relationships.
  Whether structured through financial interactions or a vocation of the heart (or both), some relationships within the communities are based on a professional dynamic: hired teachers, gurus, tantrikas, sexual surrogates, erotic life coaches, sex workers, dominatrices, professional submissives and more. Attending a party with the dominatrix you have hired requires both internal and external negotiation, and should be given as much consideration as other relationship structures. It is against the rules of some events to pay for play, so check the rules ahead of time.
  

• Fluid.
  Some relationship structures are based on the fact that they have little to no formal framework; their shape is flexible or fluid. Examples include friends with benefits and friends who indulge us in our desires. However, there are many monogamous, polyamorous, consensually non-monogamous and professional relationships that are open to being flexible and fluid, evolving as the journey unfolds. Relationships are rarely fixed for their entire lifetime.
  

  Consider what shape your relationship takes. Is it one of the above, or something else entirely? Does your partner see it in similar light, or is it like the story of the six blind men describing the elephant — one felt a tree trunk, one a wall, one a piece of rope and so on? Your partner may describe your relationship differently than you — be open to hearing what is behind their words.
  

  Keep in mind, too, that you’ll probably find yourself experiencing some flux within your idea of what a satisfactory relationship looks like to you.
  

  As you discover the communities, and yourself, you’ll find yourself shifting and changing. Some of this change will come with growing pains, and some of it will surprise you with its gear shifts. Go with it! Part of the wonder of kink is being able to experiment: try on what fits, put down what doesn’t and go with what does, knowing that the only limit is your imagination and your willingness to take risks.
  

When I was new, I was certain what relationship structure I wanted. Color me shocked that I can now say I’ve had wonderful relationships with people who weren’t my “ideal.” From non-kink-identified people who aren’t involved in the community at all, to relationships with people who are poly while I am mono. Regardless of how you identify, it is possible to have successful relationships with people outside your “primary identity.”