Playing Well With Others (28 page)

Other challenging emotions can arise: anger, hopelessness, frustration, anxiety and more. Becoming aware of emotions is the first step towards addressing them, and knowing in advance that they may arise will help you plan for them. If you know you are prone to depression, make sure you bring along fun distractions that will help you work around those self-defeating thoughts. There is nothing wrong with packing a fun book in your carry-on bag, playing some upbeat music in your room, or booking a soothing massage in the hotel spa (budget permitting).

Feeling your feelings is important. If we stop feeling our sorrows, we’ve probably stopped feeling our joys as well. Kink events can bring up feelings of joy, elation, delight, sexiness, adventure, growth, empowerment, connection and passion. If you have turned off your emotional body by constantly saying you are okay when you aren’t, you may be blocking these emotions as well. Plan in advance for how to process your emotions, positive or challenging, and practice feeling these emotions in advance.

Kink does not create enlightened relationships by default. However, because so much of kink culture revolves around the notion of consent, more people within the kink communities have practiced verbalizing their desires as well as their fears. In turn, when we have had to question our sexual and emotional desires for much of our life, the likelihood of kinksters exploring other parts of their inner psychological workings are higher as well.

Chapter 7

Unicorns, Trolls and Other Creatures: Behavior Awareness in Kink Communities

Mythical Creatures Are Mythical

“
O
H, THEY’RE JUST
being a troll.” “We’re looking for that perfect unicorn!”

Some terms get thrown around a lot in various parts of the kink community, and they can make it seem like a mythical forest! Two common examples are “unicorns” and “trolls.”

Unicorn, as seen in the kink and alterative sexuality populations, refers to a type of individual currently seen as rare and highly sexually desirable: promiscuous bisexual female submissives, straight intelligent polyamorous men who want to co-parent, or hot young gay leather-protocol enthusiasts are, for various people, the precious elusive “Holy Grail” of sex.

Trolls, on the other hand, aren’t really sought after by anyone. A troll is an individual who posts deliberately provocative content online, or who comes into groups with the specific intention of causing maximum disruption or getting maximum attention. In some gay male communities, “troll” may also be a disparaging term for an older man who does not fall within a narrow vision of desirability.

Unicorns and trolls are mythical creatures. Categorizing people like this does not allow us to treat people as people; it hinders us from learning who these people are beyond a few simple labels. There is almost always more to people than labels can encompass.

In this chapter, instead of slapping on labels, we will look at conduct that occurs across many communities and group populations — behaviors that all of us have perpetrated at some point. These are not necessarily kink-community-specific actions, and these missteps do not make us inherently bad people — they make us people who have engaged in less-than-perfect behaviors. By heightening our awareness, we can lower the likelihood of falling into these traps, pitfalls and snares.

Try to have compassion for those who have fallen into these behaviors. They have probably hurt themselves or others by conducting themselves in this manner, and that compassion is needed — especially if you were the one who got hurt. This is not permission to check our brains at the door, nor does it forgive the actions, but having compassion for all involved makes change more palatable. Together, we can help strengthen our community for everyone — whether you’re living in it or just visiting for the weekend.

Emotional Traps

Frenzy

Frenzy, in a kink context, is a behavior pattern where someone becomes so intensely interested in experiencing everything that they possibly can as soon as they possibly can, that they override common sense or do more than is safe for themselves or their partners. Someone in the midst of “sub frenzy” may, for example, get obsessed about trying new things, coercing or pushing partners or potential partners into “cherry popping.” A top or dominant in that frenzy state may be quite certain that everyone is secretly craving the kiss of their whip, and their charm and swagger is all that’s needed to push past the defenses of wayward submissives and bottoms.

Frenzy behaviors can include:

• Inappropriate sharing. Perpetually talking about their kink with friends, family, co-workers, the teller at the bank . . .
  

• Engaging in BDSM and kink to the detriment of the rest of one’s social life. Being kinky doesn’t mean you drop all of your non-kink connections.
  

• Not seeing the difference between a “want” and a “need.” You don’t necessarily need to play every night and attend every munch/party/workshop.
  

Enthusiasm is one of the beautiful fuels that feed the fire of sexual exploration. However, just because other people like bondage does not mean that they want to talk about it 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Frenzy and obsessive behaviors can be potentially destructive, and are a way to burn bridges — including the one you are standing on at this moment. It can be physically or psychologically harmful to you and your partner, leading to pressure, coercion or pushing the edges of consent in both directions to get perceived needs met. It can also be dangerous to your career, social life and family connections.

Bottom’s/Top’s Disease

While frenzy consumes the active and conscious mind, the behavior pattern known as bottom’s or top’s disease is usually unconscious and insidious. Top’s disease is the internal, perhaps unconscious belief that if you are a top/ dominant, you must thus treat everyone around you as if they were your bottom/submissive — not just your partner(s), but your co-workers, the random stranger at the grocery store, and every submissive pervert you meet. Bottom’s disease, the flip side, is the belief that becasue you are submissive, everyone must be dominant over you, including your non-kinky spouse, the folks at your congregation, your employees, and everyone in the scene.

Forcing others into a role that they have not negotiated is not consensual. And just because someone identifies as a master, mistress or slave does not mean they are
jour
master, mistress or slave. Being submissive should not mean being a doormat to everyone in creation, and being dominant should not mean being a domineering ass to the world at large. In fact, many in the kink community consider it a personal violation for people with whom they do not have negotiated relationships to assume a dominant or submissive stance.

White knight

“That poor girl, she needs saving.” “That sweet man over there who seems to be lost, let me be the one who guides him to truth.” While it’s true that being of assistance to others in the scene can be a good and worthwhile thing, individuals who are compulsively moved to act as white knights or protectors may project onto others that they need to be “saved,” when they may just need a bit of assistance . . . or may not want any help at all.

Emotional vomiting

Emotional vomiting is the behavior of grossly over-sharing information at inappropriate times, or in ways that do not help any parties involved. Sharing our stories, asking for help and working through challenges is a natural part of growing and finding our way. As human beings, we improve by processing experiences, and that often includes venting to a friend or even an empathetic stranger. However, there are times and places where this is inappropriate and perhaps even risky — does your mother-in-law really need to know about the turbulence of your D/S relationship with your spouse?

Emotional vomiting can also take place when we reply to people online or in person. They may be sharing their story for their own reason, not as an excuse to have you hijack their narrative. If you see someone post about their challenges, consider offering a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or a few points of advice, rather than using it as an opportunity to vent your own spleen or sob-story. Being a good listener is a practice we can all strive to embrace.

Feeding helplessness

People’s power over you is limited to the power you give them. Individuals who hand their authority over to person after person, compulsively or out of a feeling of desperation, may set themselves up to be hurt. Common themes we have seen include slaves who “need saving” from an unknown force, sub-missives who “need protection” from dangerous individuals, and new people that are “innocent and need guidance.”

If you are one of these individuals, you may wish to reflect on the following questions:

• Are you working from a place of fear?
  

• Do you feel you need protecting simply to keep your special place as someone who is unable to manage themselves?
  

• What do you get out of being helpless?
  

• Is an outside source projecting this image on you, are you projecting it on yourself, or is there a real need?
  

If you are the protector, you may want to consider if you are projecting this status onto someone, thus enabling them to abdicate responsibility for their own choices and actions.

Remember, there’s a vast difference between protecting someone and teaching them to protect themselves. All of the survival skills you used in your life before you came into your kink identity must be brought to bear here. Helplessness can feel sexy within a negotiated scene or relationship, but can create problems if you take it out into your community.

Boundary Compromise and Breaking Limits

Compromise is a good thing, right? It allows us to gain something we would not have had if we had been inflexible. Well, this is not the case if you are compromising around limits and boundaries.

In the midst of a scene, I had a play partner of mine ask to suck my cock. We were both already really turned on, but had not negotiated for that. Instead of having him give me a blowjob and compromise our negotiation, he watched as I masturbated in front of him while he begged.

Sitting down with yourself before you play with anyone is an important part of the negotiation process. But if, in the heat of an intense scene, you discard all the limits you have established for your protection, what was the point of the exercise? If we don’t respect our own boundaries, how can we expect anyone else to?

Altered states of consciousness can affect our ability to hold to our own limits. Whether we are inebriated on chemical substances or in the midst of a really hot scene, our will can sometimes become malleable. This is why many schools of thought on kink teach that after a scene starts, re-negotiation should only take place once all parties are “sober” again.

Part of taking responsibility for your safety is making certain that you are capable of giving consent and active assent. You have a duty to yourself and your partners to protect yourself and your limits at all times.

Attention-seeking behaviors

Seeking love and attention is worthy and appropriate. Creating drama for the conscious or unconscious purpose of garnering attention is not. This applies whether that drama pertains to yourself, your relationship, between groups, or other people’s business.

Conflict-crafting, rumor-mongering and serial victimization are all examples of attention-seeking behaviors with little positive outcome. Sometimes our unconscious desire for attention, love and affection can be warped into these behaviors, casting us into the role of “drama llamas,” which is a tough persona to shake. Whatever the source of the drama, consider whether your “weighing in” is about generating the best outcome for all parties involved, or is about using it as a platform to place yourself in the spotlight.