Playing Well With Others (31 page)

Some commonalities repeatedly appear, such as equipment and supplies. Some basic ground rules are often in place; some etiquette overlaps between spaces.

In this chapter, we’ll explore what you might see when you go to a dungeon, club or play space, and some of the basic rules and guidelines you’ll encounter. We’ll put you on your way to begin navigating like a pro.

Understanding the Space

Not all kink spaces are the same, in terms of intended purpose or specific rules. We’ll cover some of the more common venues you may visit, and give you an idea of what you might encounter there. Keep in mind that every gathering has its own personality, and the scene is constantly evolving: your friendlly neighborhood dungeon may include a hot tub area; a local backroom play space might not have a sling but might have a dedicated aftercare corner.

If you have mobility challenges or service animals, be sure to contact the event organizers or venue manager in advance about accessibility. Some of these spaces may not be not fully navigable, though the number of accessible spaces is growing all the time, and creativity abounds in our community.

Dungeons

Dungeons are traditionally BDSM-focused play spaces. Some are expansive, with multiple floors and theme rooms, while others are single-room spaces in a basement or attic. The venue may require a high-fetish dress code, or may encourage attendees to show up in “street legal” clothing so that the neighbors’ interest isn’t piqued by a sudden parade of fetish wear on their block. If the dungeon is a converted hotel space (during a kink conference, for example), it may consist of a ballroom containing eight pieces of equipment, with a no-frills feeling — or a team of perverted decorators may have spent long hours transforming the space into an erotic wonderland.

A professional dungeon, often known as a house of domination, may be available for either sessions with erotic professionals (though be aware, most BDSM professionals do not provide genital sex) or for rental by enthusiastic amateurs. Why rent a space? Because many of us have thin walls at home, or partners who do not want to participate. Many professional dungeons also have a collection of toys and equipment that are available to use. If you do not know how to use a tool, talking with the person who is renting the space might be a great way to pick up information one-on-one, though there is sometimes an additional fee if it turns into a full-blown class. Places and props you might see at a dungeon:

• Greeter table/social area.
  Very few people want to overhear chatting about taxes while they are trying to play, and new people need a place to ask questions. For many dungeons, these issues have been addressed by creating a social area, or setting up a greeter table. Socialization is therefore limited to the social area, and new people who have questions may either find a Dungeon Monitor (aka DM, see p. 175) or go to the greeter table to ask questions. The table is usually staffed by a friendly volunteer who is happy to act as an ambassador to the new folks, and who can also monitor noise levels if the social area is adjacent to play-space. The social area may be combined with a food and beverage area, if one is offered at the party. These may offer anything from red licorice and cola to a full buffet spread.
  

• Saint Andrew’s Cross.
  This “X” -shaped piece of furniture is a classic in the world of BDSM. It usually has attachment points at the extremities to facilitate bondage. St. Andrew’s Crosses are commonly used for securing people for flogging, whipping, or receiving other styles of sensation play. Whipping posts, pillories, chain spider webs, Catherine Wheels and flogging frames are other items of dungeon furniture designed to secure fortunate human targets. Some dungeons will place these pieces of furniture in a roped-off area for whip enthusiasts, providing safe space so that passers-by aren’t struck by the backswing of a whip.
  

• Spanking bench.
  This is a four-legged frame where the body is comfortably supported. It may be structured to support the bottom completely, or be of a more simple construction so that the bottom can bend over and brace themselves. Its design allows increased access to vital and delightful regions of the body, and increases the comfort and endurance of the person receiving the sensations. Many other styles of furniture assist in comfortable support, including bondage beds, massage tables and bondage chairs.
  

• Cage.
  Cages come in many shapes and styles, from dog cages to standing cages and prison cells. Some have holes in them large enough to access the person inside, while others are solid-walled containment units used for isolation.
  

• Medical area.
  When temporary (aka play) piercing or cutting is permitted at a dungeon, a specific area is often designated to increase safety. “Mood lighting” may be sacrificed to provide increased visibility. It may be set up like a doctor’s office, or have equipment, furniture and flooring that can be easily disinfected. It may feature a gynecological table, dental chair or surgical-level lighting. Most dungeons that permit temporary piercing or cuttings will provide a sharps container for safe disposal of biohazards. If you’re planning this type of scene, verify beforehand that the dungeon provides such a container, and carry a portable sharps disposal unit (available at most drugstores) with you, just in case.
  

• Suspension frame/hard points.
  A
  suspension frame is a metal or wooden structure that has been specifically designed to safely hold the weight of a mid-air, moving human body. Some venues have “load rated” hard points in the ceiling, with heavy bolts running through support beams, secured on the opposite side. Winches may also be attached. Be diligent in conducting your safety checks before dangling people from a structure or object: some flogging frames are mistaken for suspension frames, and some venues put small rings in the ceiling for decoration only. Check with party hosts and venue managers, and confirm for yourself if a frame or overhead point is actually built for your intended play before risking your partner’s health. And hey, bottoms? It’s your ass on the line. It’s never a bad idea for you to conduct a safety check, too.
  

• First aid station.
  This is what it sounds like: a place where basic medical supplies are kept. If you need a Band-Aid because a whip drew blood, or water for someone who is dehydrated, this is your go-to zone. Larger dungeons and events often have a nurse, EMT or other medical professional on call during parties, in case of a serious injury or other health concern. In other cases, some events request that a DM or host be the contact point for a 911 call. Again, it’s a great idea to check beforehand so that your contingency plan is in place.
  

What is a DM?

Dungeon Monitors/Managers (aka DMs, sometimes called Play Monitors, Venue Facilitators, Event Assistants and more) are individuals who help a party run smoothly. Depending on the region or venue, they might be there to help attendees find play or aftercare spaces, assist in networking, bring food and water, or have information about the party and the scene in general. They are neither babysitters nor employees, and are not there to clean up after you. At many parties, DMs are there to help enforce party rules, maintain the safety of the party as a whole, or distribute safer sex and cleaning supplies.

Not all parties have Dungeon Monitors; sometimes the hosts choose to have attendees police themselves as responsible adults, or keep an eye out for one another’s safety in a communal manner.

At some parties, DMs are empowered to stop or modify scenes. If your scene is interrupted by a DM in this instance, immediately halt the activity in question. Wind down as quickly and gracefully as possible, doing your best to minimize an abrupt come-down. Even if you are in the throes of a very hot scene, and disagree with the DM, comply first and ask your questions later. Perhaps your screams are bringing the unwanted attention of neighbors, or the kids who live at this house got home early. They are empowered to protect the integrity of the space and enforce the rules by which you agreed to abide.

Feel free to ask DMs later, outside the play space, what happened or why your scene was stopped. Polite compliance and respectful dialogue is the best way to maintain safe space. At the end of the day, Dungeon Monitors are individuals who care, and who volunteer their time to help insure things go smoothly. They are, however, still human.

If a DM at an event does have any degree of control over the action in the dungeon, they should be appropriately trained in the rules of the space and the desired atmosphere of the gathering. Also helpful is an awareness of basic first aid, and savvy social interaction skills. A talented DM knows, for example, how to help a top end a scene well rather than abruptly derailing the energy. Being aware and familiar with the safety measures required to minimize risk across many styles of play is a vital DM skill. Individuals who are emotionally attached to control, are easily shaken up, or are severely confrontation-averse do not necessarily make good DMs. Dungeon Monitors in turn should be aware of what their actual capacities are at the event and venue.

• Cleaning/disinfecting supplies.
  With so many people using the same equipment, it is important to make sure body fluids are not left behind after your scene. (This is also critical in helping reduce the possibility of viral or bacterial cross-communication.) Thus, dungeons have supplies such as absorption pads (aka “chux”) for protecting equipment and floors, antibacterial wipes for cleaning sweat from equipment, and heavier-duty disinfectant sprays and wipes for cleaning up after ejaculate and other body fluids. Take the time to read the instructions! Many of these sprays need to remain on the surface of the equipment for a few minutes to be effective. Others should be sprayed onto a wipe and then used, rather than applied directly onto a piece of equipment. If a dungeon does not provide effective cleaning supplies, decide for yourself whether you feel safe putting your naked body on their gear.
  

• Aftercare room/area.
  After kink encounters or BDSM scenes, some folks need time to decompress. This might mean curling up in a warm blanket, coming down from the experience through quiet conversation or cuddling. Others need personal space and/or alone time post-scene. An aftercare area generally provides a “soft” space for doing just that — comfortable couches, cozy bed areas, mattresses on the floor and other padded surfaces, combined with easy access to water and calm music, or quiet.
  

On-premises sex clubs

In the swinger community, there are both “on-premises” and “off-premises” gatherings. On-premise clubs allow and are set up for sexual encounters to happen on-site. Off-premise gatherings are opportunities for swingers to gather in public or semi-public spaces, and then take the play back to their homes or hotel rooms. In the swinger community, play is usually more likely to mean sex, while in the BDSM community play is referring to scene interactions. The kink and leather communities have their own variation of off-premise spaces, such as at the local leather bar — a space where leather folk will actively cruise, but usually go off-site to play.

Sex clubs provide space for all manner of erotic encunters! These include:

• Swinging.
  People playing with a variety of other people, or their partner, in an open space.
  

• Partner-swapping.
  Pairs trading partners with one another.
  

• Gang-bang nights.
  A few central people, with a much larger number of people sexually interacting with those central people.
  

• Jack & Jill parties.
  Masturbation/mutual masturbation only.
  

• Orgies.
  Consensual group sex interactions.
  

• Cuckold parties.
  A wife having sex with other men while the husband watches but does not interact with her or anyone else.
  

• Sex worker nights.
  In jurisdictions where sex work is legal, the club may have parties focused on sex workers plying their trade.
  

• . . . or other special events!
  

  Though some rough sex may be welcome, it is good etiquette at sex clubs to ask the hosts what degree of BDSM/kinky play is suitable for the environment they wish to create. Many sex clubs are not enthusiastic about extreme kink in their spaces (as discussed in
  Chapter 3
  ), but some kink groups want to play in sex clubs. The answer? Private rentals! Sex clubs and bathhouses will sometimes rent out their venue for a night for BDSM groups to come in, set up dungeon equipment in their space, and tear down the dungeon at the end of the night. These spaces become a fusion of energies; other fusions can be created as well. Temporary swinger spaces set up in mansions, back room spaces created at kinky cafes . . . wherever your fantasy will take you.
  

  Places and props you might see at an on-premises sex club include:
  

• Orgy bed.
  O rgy beds are furniture created to facilitate . . . wait for it . . . orgies. Sometimes they’re just a bunch of queen- or king-sized beds pushed together, and other times they’re specially commissioned beds that are round or very large. Sometimes these props show up at cuddle parties, where participants are engaged in consensual non-sexual touch.
  

• Sex shapes.
  Sex wedges, swings, body pillows, supporting frames and other props are sometimes used at swinger and kink clubs to help make your sexy time more comfortable, or more exciting. Achieving and maintaining those extreme poses for double and triple penetration often require assistance. Or perhaps you just need a fun way to be comfortable for longer while receiving oral. Whatever the purpose, there is a broad range of shapes available to get you where you need to be.
  

• Hot tub.
  Many swinger spaces have hot tubs; they encourage everyone to get naked, relax, and get cozy. Some clubs permit the hot tub to double as play space, while limiting sexual contact to “above the water-line only.” If individuals do not shower before entering, are having sex in the pool (thus exposing other bathers to their bodily fluids), or the tub gets cleaned very rarely — consider for yourself whether the hot tub is a good space for you.
  

• Dance floor.
  Whether you are called to the two-step, tango, booty drops or disco — the dance floor is a great way to meet new people and get your body moving.
  

• No-voyeur area.
  Though voyeurs can be fun in swinger clubs, there are some players who want a space away from prying eyes. The area may be for couples (or triads) only, or for “invited voyeurs” only (individuals invited by the above couples). There are also “women controlled” spaces, where women (often a minority in heterosexual swinger spaces) can invite specific people to join them, but single (or groups of) men are not allowed in on their own.
  

• Safer sex station.
  If we are getting our freak on, it’s important to have access to safer sex supplies. Precautions to minimize risk of exposure to STDs/STIs can be found in
  Appendix 4E
  . Many swingers’ clubs provide condoms and lube, and some are beginning to carry latex or nitrile gloves, dental dams, and other safer sex supplies. If you have latex allergies, or prefer a specific shape, size or texture of condom (there are so many shapes and sizes out there!), bring your own supplies and find a way to carry them around with you.