Playing Well With Others (26 page)

Styles of Partnered Attendance

Once you know the shape of your relationship, you can consider your style of partnered attendance. Just as there are many different approaches as to how one person can attend an event, the functions become exponential as we factor more and more people into the equation. Will you do everything together at the event? Will you arrive as a couple and leave as a couple, but not see each other in between at all? Perhaps you may commit to sleep in the same bed each night, but have separate adventures . . . or agree to play together, but attend different classes.

Discuss in advance your expectations and intentions for the event. See what will be a good fit to explore together, and what will make more sense to do separately. Plan into the system what you will do to touch base with each other, how often you will check in, and what each of you can do if things are not going as hoped.

If one partner is attending the event while another stays home, discuss in advance how much information the home partner will want afterwards. Will this be a blow-by-blow download session of what you did when apart? Or do they prefer minimal information? Some may be happy to hear the good stuff, but are unprepared to be a shoulder to cry on: it can be challenging for some folks to empathize about your difficult scene when they never even got to go and play. Others are happy to relax at home, awaiting tales of your conquests.

Setting up these systems in advance can be very helpful in making sure that the emotional, physical and energetic needs of the person who did not attend the event are being met as well. It’s important that everyone be up-front about their needs: sucking it up and “tolerating” your partner’s fun while you mope at home can lead to resentment. It can also be emotionally risky to push yourself to engage with other people solely to keep your partner happy. Getting your needs met hopefully also includes creating a safe environment for safe communication for all.

Consent

When we explore kink and kink communities, the issue of consent is at the forefront. As you explore kink culture, you will hear this word batted around a lot, but sometimes the issue is more complex that it looks.

Consent means permitting or approving someone to engage in specific behavior. Some people believe that silence is consent, but your authors believe that idea to be dangerous; we believe very much in active, conscious consent for all involved partners, and ongoing assent throughout the context of their interactions.

Try to avoid making assumptions. When we make assumptions about other people’s limits, wants, needs and desires, we cheat ourselves out of getting to know the full truth of the person before us. Even if you have been in a relationship with someone for a long time, don’t assume you know what they will be into, or what they would be unwilling to consider.

What does your partner want to get up to at the event? What in the program called to them? Consider having each of you print out the program and highlight what interests you, and then sitting down for a conversation. If your partner highlighted something that does not appeal to you, consider asking open questions such as “What about that appeals to you?” rather than judgmental ones like “Huh, really? That’s weird.”

When partners propose ideas to you of what they would like to do, listen to your heart and see if it consents to the experience. It’s easy for many people to work from assumptions like “if I say no, they won’t like me.” or “if I were a better partner, I’d do that with/for them.” Those assumptions get in the way of wholehearted consent.

These considerations of consent also apply when you’re playing separately from your partner(s). Did they agree to what you’re up to (as it applies to your specific relationship), or are you doing what you think maybe kinda might be okay if no one looks at it too closely? In other words, did they say yes, or did they not say no?

Consider as well that different terms mean different things to different individuals. Love and sex go hand in hand for some, while for others they are completely different points of negotiation. Be sure to clarify your agreements. If you said “No sex,” where would they put oral sex, for example, or making out with clothes on, in relationship to that boundary? Becoming aware of your own comfort zone, as well as the reasons why those comfort zones are there, can help you better navigate your relationships and kink community alike.

Communication Systems

Every partnership has a different flow of communication. Some rarely talk, but spend a lot of quality body time with one another. Others process the meaning and intention of their relationship on a weekly basis. The variations are endless.

Thus, it’s important to clarify first how you and your partner(s) best communicate within the relationship in general. How will this style of communication work into an event like a weekend kink conference? If you are used to getting half an hour of debrief time with your partner after coming home from work every day, and there is no debrief time worked into the weekend, you may unintentionally be setting yourself up for communication challenges.

Consider your communication systems for the following points:

• How will you share your desires and intentions in advance?
  

• How do you convey your limits, boundaries and concerns in advance?
  

• What system will you use to plan your activities in advance?
  

• How often and how deeply will you connect at the event?
  

• Will you want to set up processing time at or after the event?
  

• What will you do if you need processing time at or after the event and it hasn’t been planned?
  

• What system do you have in place if challenges and hiccups arise at the event?
  

• How will you connect as a relationship post-event?
  

Chapter 9
addresses ways to share your desires and negotiate to play. However, there is more to share than how you want to play.

It is so refreshing when my partner tells me about their concerns about an upcoming event. Will they get enough of my time, will we have fun, will we get enough time with friends? When they tell me their concerns, I feel safe to share mine as well, from a place of love and respect.

If you are going stag or leaving your partner at home, pre-negotiate your communication systems with the partner(s) who is not attending. Will you check in every day? Send a text message before you go to bed each night? Have a single debrief at the end of the event? Give each partner space to do their thing while apart? This applies for people who attend events together as well — if you’ve been doing stuff apart all day, or going to play with other people, what system will you use to re-connect to each other or share information?

One of the big bonuses to sussing out in advance how you communicate best in your relationship is that sometimes we run into challenges at events. Perhaps you thought that it would be okay having your lover play with someone else, or that it would be fun to spend the weekend alone . . . and then a moment of envy arises. This isn’t a “bad” thing — it’s important to be aware of your emotions and what triggers them. But what will you do with that emotion? Do you want a shoulder to cry on, or do you want a solution to the issue then and there? Is this a “drop everything and reconnect” situation, or is it a “check in and let’s talk about this in detail after this event is done” scenario? Being clear on such issues can help ease you past the rough patches with minimal emotional jostling.

This situation can be especially challenging when a partner has a change of heart. It can be tempting to say, for example, “But you said it would be okay for us to play with other people,” but that doesn’t help. Your partner is having an emotional response, and hearing what’s going on with them is more important than proving who is right or wrong. If your partner is having a challenging moment, it is likely that they need your support. They may have consented to something in advance, but the theory of a thing and the practice of doing a thing can be very different.

Communication tools to trouble-shoot hiccups include:

• Establishing protocols for communicating difficult issues.
  

• Listening without defensiveness.
  

• Using “I” statements. (“When I couldn’t find you, I felt abandoned” versus “you abandoned me.”)
  

• Sharing difficulties and, whenever possible, providing solutions and suggestions for avoiding repeats.
  

• Staying in the present: it’s not necessary to dredge up old wounds when there are issues at present to handle.
  

• Remembering that our partner cares about us, and staying in a loving, compassionate mindset.
  

• Maintaining awareness that this situation may be entirely outside of your control, and that simply listening may be the best solution.
  

• Being aware that this is not a blame game, but an opportunity to communicate and re-establish trust.
  

• Honoring each other’s needs, boundaries and well-being.
  

• Reminding yourself that if someone is feeling hurt, it does not necessarily mean that you hurt them.
  

Being open to hearing what our partners are feeling is vital. However, if there is an overwhelming tendency in your relationship for one partner to veto another’s choices, if the majority of interactions end in conflict, or if there’s often an overwhelming amount of processing around these issues, consider whether one partner has issues, fears or concerns that they have not yet voiced, or perhaps even fully realized. Again, compassionate communication is key.

As you do all this — breathe. Listen actively, don’t just wait to speak your turn. Remember, our partners are multi-faceted, complex beings. Without requesting and accepting their truth, you have no way to know what is in their heart and mind. Holding a compassionate and loving space for them to share their experience can go far in deepening trust.

After the event, how much information will you or your partner want to hear about what the other got up to? The answers may change based on the context, but there are a few conversational methods that may aid in more fluid discussion:

• “I learned a new trick, can we try it at home?” When you have a fun new experience, it might be tempting to say “They did this better than you, do it this way.” This does not help encourage and foster love and support in relationships. Present your positive experience as a positive for everyone!
  

• “You seem to really like that. What about it appeals to you?” If we don’t understand why a partner likes an activity/concept/person, it can be easy to say “why in the world would you like that?” This can feel like judgment. Channeling your desire to understand through open, leading questions and curiosity can help relieve shyness or reluctance about sharing something new, challenging or just really kinky.
  

• “I had a really fun time, what would you like to know about it?” “When you have a great experience, it can be tempting to share everything. Not everyone wants every detail, and they may just want to know if you are happy, or perhaps want more information in this specific context. Let them set their own comfort level.
  

• “I’m feeling some difficult stuff, emotionally. Can we talk about it?” It sometimes is tough to avoid saying things like “How could you do that? You hurt my feelings!” These accusatory statements can put people on the defensive. Taking personal responsibility for your feelings, and looking for positive outcomes, can help you to find mutually beneficial ways to communicate from a place of caring.
  

Take an objective look at the information you would like to share, and consider your method of delivery. Think about the following criteria, as suggested by 20th-century guru Sai Baba:

• Is it true?
  

• Is it necessary?
  

• Is it kind?