Playing Well With Others (36 page)

Some questions and concepts to consider include:

• What does
  that kind of play mean to you?
  

• What might
  that look like?
  

• How should
  we address one another in the scene?
  

• What Words
  and phrases turn you on?
  

• What kind
  of language is a buzzkill?
  

Our language also affects our longer-term relationships. A word like “slave” might be a highly erotic persona for a single scene, or be a sacred term for a particularly deep intimacy for someone else. Words can also be identical but mean different things in different communities. In BDSM, topping usually means being the one guiding the progress in the scene or encounter, using bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism. In the gay men’s community, topping can refer to the insertive role during anal sex or fisting. If a misunderstanding takes place, it can be dangerous indeed. Hashing these issues out in advance, or discussing them frankly and honestly if they happen to pop up, can help prevent a lot of heartache.

Communication systems

There are various methods of communication available during scene interactions. One of the most basic is, you guessed it, talking. Creating a continuous stream of actively encouraged verbal dialogue during your play is a great way to keep the lines open.

“Oh, yes, that feels great!’

“No, that doesn’t feel right, can you do it a little lower?”

“Ow! That sucked, quit it!”

“I love it when you do that for me.”

This flavor of active communication assists in actively engaging your partners, and keeping the play connected.

I was negotiating with a friend who comes from a background in the swing community, and he asked me “What kind of play do you want tonight?” I was puzzled, because I thought we were planning on fucking. I stammered a bit - “I thought you weren’t into playing all that much?” We blinked at one another for a moment until we both burst out laughing, realizing that playing for him was fucking, and playing for me meant a kink or BDSM interaction, and was almost always independent of negotiations for sexual intercourse. Ultimately (and fortunately!), we both had the same thing in mind. And the fucking commenced.

If you’re doing a hot role-play scene, sometimes “plain talk” can get in the way of suspending your disbelief. If you want to have the sensation of resisting, and to be ble to shout “No! Stop! I hate you, you sonofabitch!” — then words like “no” and “stop” are no longer useful as deterrents. That’s how safewords originated. While safeword systems were born in the desire to maintain the integrity of a role-play scene, they are now often used to manage the ebb and flow of play. With a safeword, the top or bottom or other participant can “check in” with a simple verbal cue that lets participants know that something is up. When engaging in the safeword approach, everyone gets one. The top, the bottom —
everyone.
Safeword systems include:

• Stop lights.
  “Red” generally means stop: it can mean “stop everything, there is a problem,” or it can mean “stop the current activity.” All players should be clear, in advance, as to what degree of “red” red is for that scene. “Yellow” usually indicates a need to pause and check in, and “green” may signal “go on, gimme more!”
  

• Saying the word “safeword”
  At larger events, this term is often used as a catch-all safeword, though screaming “red” comes in a close second.
  

• Fantasy-speCifiC terms.
  Examples include “mercy please” in historical scenes, or “I am unworthy, ma’am,” in female dominance scenes. Each is designated in advance and agreed upon by all parties.
  

• Unlikely Words.
  These safewords catch the attention because they’re wildly out of place. Examples include “rutabaga,” “screwdriver,” or calling out your own name. Don’t make your safeword so complicated or obscure that you forget it in the heat of the moment.
  

• Grunt systems.
  When gagged, one stern grunt can mean “yellow” and two or more grunts can mean “red.”
  

• Dropping an object.
  If playing in a scene where the bottom is in bondage, the bottom can hold a physical item such as a ring of keys or a rubber ball that can be dropped if they need a check-in.
  

• Squeeze systems.
  A top can pause throughout the scene to squeeze the hand of their play partner. If the person doesn’t respond when asked to squeeze back, it is a cue to check in.
  

The challenge with safeword systems is that not everyone has the capacity to speak up when things have gone too far. Some individuals may become non-verbal when they play, and might experience difficulty communicating. If you are one of these people, sharing this fact pre-scene is critical and can allow for the creation of a system that might work for everyone. If you are bottoming, and you are likely to become unable to communicate during a scene, the person topping you has the right to know that so that they can make an informed decision about the risks inherent in scening with a partner who might be unable to “use their words.”

Don’t say you’re okay when you are not. Make sure to use your NOs as well as your YESes.

Another helpful tool is the use of “joywords.” Joywords are terms that say “I am in a good place right now, and ending the scene in this moment would feel great!” This is a different philosophical approach than safewords, which are often used to communicate when things have gone too far.

Some employ a “no-safeword” approach to in-scene communication. This method traditionally uses body language and non-verbal signals to create a communication flow. Some forms of no-safeword involve extreme edge play, where the players have negotiated that the top may do as they see fit. This level of intimacy is usually found when players have developed a relationship and established trust with one another, and might not be the best approach when first getting to know a partner or before you have some experience under your belt.

When you’re with a new partner, if you’re new to playing, or simply new to a specific type of scenario, you may not be aware that you have challenges with a specific type of communication system. Sometimes, there is pressure not to use safewords (or have them), or people may be unaware that when they get into tight bondage that they will end up non-verbal as they slip into “subspace” — this may not come up until it happens for the first time. Frank and detailed discussion of these issues, and then respecting and adhering to agreed-upon systems is vital to maintaining clear consent between parties.

I have heard of a wide variety of hard limits. Standing in a corner, feet, being touched lovingly, birds, soft fur, and spitting are all examples I’ve seen before. I have learned to thank people for sharing their limits, even if I don’t understand them. It helps build trust.

If you notice that you or your partner is regularly using safewords to renegotiate the stated intention of your scenes, take a step back and look what all parties are agreeing to during initial negotiation. This will facilitate the integrity of the scene and the desires of the players to be maintained.

In the past, I’ve fallen under the spell of what I like to call “masochismo” - a stubborn belief that I, as a masochist, must take more and more and more to prove my toughness to myself and to others. This is a potential trap that I have learned to share with my play partners. In the same way I advise them in advance that I often become non-verbal in play, I let them know I will push myself sometimes, and we discuss good boundaries so that neither one of us feels we have gone beyond our intended comfort zones in the heat of the moment.

Boundaries and limits

As discussed in
Chapter 6
, understanding and sharing known and potential physical, emotional and mental limits is very important for pre-event planning. This also applies to our pre-play negotiations. People use varying terms such as hard limits, soft limits and boundaries to describe the frontiers of their play. Ascertaining before play what all these terms mean to you and to your potential play partner can help minimize miscommunications and derailments.

Boundaries give us an idea of where each person’s comfort zones lie. Generally, hard limits are things that go against our core values or personal identity, or are outside our capacity. This might also be referred to as a “never” list. Soft limits, on the other hand, are often activities that give us pause, but we might entertain under the right circumstances. Play that we find to be personally edgy might not be on a “hard limit” list, but might well be pushing a particular boundary. It is important to consider possible fallout when negotiating these scenes, and remain vigilant about maintaining your limits.

Even if a limit or boundary seems silly to you, it may be very serious for your partner. For that reason, when someone is sharing their challenges, it is important to come from a place of active listening and compassion. There is a great deal of trust involved in sharing these deep, dark secrets. What is intense is different for every individual.

Types of limits may include:

Privacy

One thing to make sure to negotiate is your privacy. Who can know about your play? Can photos be posted on social networking sites using your legal name, or can even a mention of playing with you never come up, even with your scene name, ever?

The Prime Directive