Pleasing the Pirate: A Loveswept Historical Romance (19 page)

He also thought of the times they’d spent together. The way the sun bounced off her auburn hair. The freckles on her nose. Remembering how those freckles disappeared into the sheet she’d worn their first night at the Coxswain. Their conversation of the day before wasn’t forgotten either. He’d never told anyone Susan’s story. There’d been no need. The telling of it was more painful than he imagined it would be and yet he didn’t regret telling her. He’d never discussed Susan’s circumstances with anyone but the Hortons. It felt good to talk about it with
someone else, even if Mairi saw through him and shed light on parts of him he’d tried to keep in the darkness.

Instead of looking through the papers his solicitor left for him, he found himself struggling with the question of what was going to happen to Mairi once Grant was captured. Sebastian had said she was betrothed, but the story Mairi told was entirely different.

Phin didn’t want her returning to MacGowan, a man who didn’t seem to appreciate Mairi for herself but for the land she could provide and the babes she could give him.

Mairi deserved more than that. She deserved peace after the years of turmoil she’d lived.

And yet what happened to her would be beyond his control. Once Grant was captured their ties to each other would be severed.

He slammed his palm on the desk, frustrated and disgusted with himself for not being able to concentrate. This might be the only time he could get his affairs in order and here he was thinking of a woman. Desperate for fresh air, he headed toward the terrace. It’d rained all day but the stars were out, the rain having moved on. He breathed the clean air in and let his mind go where he’d fought it from going all day.

Mairi.

He found her there on the terrace, looking up at the sky, her arms wrapped around her middle. Winter would be arriving soon, reminding him of the deadline he’d been given and what he needed to do to secure his ship and crew. Normally he would sail south this time of year, to warmer waters, warmer climate and very warm women. Normally. But nothing was normal anymore.

Mairi turned at the shuffle of his boots. Her beauty stole his breath. She was so small, such a slight thing, but with a large personality and, he was learning, a bigger heart. He heard the compassion in her voice, saw the concern in her eyes and knew she had a warmth that had been missing in his life for a long while. This was wrong, his feelings toward her. He had nothing to give her and they were at odds when it came to her brother as was proven last night when she snuck out of his house to meet Grant.

“You’ll catch a chill out here,” he said.

“Back home it would have been this chilly for several weeks already. I’m accustomed to it.”

He looked at the stars she’d been gazing at. One of the things he liked most about Mairi
was the fact that they could have quiet that wasn’t strained and she didn’t feel the need to fill it with idle chatter.

“Did you sleep well last night?” He looked at her sideways but her head was turned away from him.

“Well enough.”

He’d had Rebecca on the lookout for more notes, but there had been none. How Grant had put one in her bedchamber the first time was a mystery to him and he’d taken his men to task for it. Then he’d mercilessly queried his servants only to find that the missive had been delivered to the front door by a young boy whom no one had seen before, and the nursemaid had brought it to Mairi’s room. She’d been quite distraught when he’d questioned her, but she was a good nursemaid and Annabelle loved her so he’d let it go.

Grant McFadden was like a ghost and it was damn frustrating.

“How do you do it?” she asked.

“Do what?”

“There’s so much evil in the world. It sweeps everyone up and drags us all around with no thought to man, woman or child. We’re all affected, whether we want to be or not.”

“That’s part of living, Mairi. To only experience a portion of life isn’t living at all.”

“But there’s so much suffering,” she whispered.

“There would be no joy if not for sorrow. No laughter if not for tears.” He turned to her and touched the corner of her downturned mouth with his finger. “No smiles if not for frowns.”

It worked. She smiled, if just a little, and leaned into his hand before turning away. “You must think me naïve.”

“Not at all.”

“I was at one time.”

“We all were at one time.”

“Would it be cowardly to admit that I wish I was still naïve? That I want to go back to a time when I was confident in my da’s ability to take care of all of us?”

Phin never wanted to go back to his childhood. To say he and his father didn’t get along would be a gross understatement. There had been constant tension between them, enough that Phin knew that as soon as he was able, he would leave. And so he had and he’d stayed away even after his parents’ death. It was a guilt he’d carry with him forever.

“Not cowardly,” he said. “Living is taking what life gives you and turning it into something good. What you do with the women and children who come to you is the good that comes from the bad.”

Mairi rubbed her arms. “You surprise me.”

“I’m not what you thought, am I?”

“Not in the least. And this—” She waved her hand toward his house. “I never imagined …”

“That I would have a home and a family?” he asked into the silence.

She shook her head. “It sounds silly now. Of course you would have a family. At least at some point in your life.”

“You thought the
Wanderer
was my home.”

“I thought nothing past using you to find my brother. You weren’t a person to me, but a means to an end.”

Those were harsh words, but he shouldn’t have been surprised. Most people thought that of him and most pirates weren’t of the social class that he was—even if it wasn’t a social class his father would have been satisfied with. And, after all, wasn’t she a means to his end? Put like that it made him feel like the worst sort of bastard. Even he hated himself in that light.

“The truth is, Mairi, I enjoy what I do. I answer to no one and there are no rules.” It made him far richer than his father could ever have imagined. He had enough money to move his family into a much larger home, but he wouldn’t. The money was there for Susan and Annabelle and everyone else to live off of when he was gone.

“I know you do,” she said. “I saw it on your ship. You’re at home there. I wish …”

“What do you wish?”

“I wish Grant would find that sort of contentment at our home.”

Grant. It always came back to Grant. It made him angry, but at the same time he understood it. If not for Grant they would have never met. It was the reason she was here.

“Grant has a fire inside him that drives him to do other things.”

“Fighting against England and alongside France won’t accomplish anything,” she said bitterly.

“No, but I can understand what motivates him.” It was strange how much he understood Grant. They were alike in a way and in other ways they were not. Like Grant, Phin had left his
sister to follow his heart, but he had learned a hard lesson in that. Never again would he leave her unprotected.

She turned to face him. “Explain it to me.”

He fisted his hand and pounded it lightly against his chest right above his heart. “After Susan’s attack I was driven to hunt down the man who had done this to her. It was all I thought about. I dreamed about him in my sleep and I refused to rest until he was brought to justice. Grant and I are not so different. We both want to defend our family.”

“Grant’s family is suffering and he does not see that.”

“He thinks that by stopping the cause of the suffering he will end the suffering, but that’s not the case. He’s blind to his cause. Just like I was blind to mine. I was convinced that bringing that bastard to justice would end the suffering, but it didn’t. Susan still can’t hear. His death meant nothing.”

“That’s not true. He’s no longer able to torture other women.”

“True, but it didn’t help Susan. It didn’t return her life to her.”

She cocked her head and studied him. “What was it you just told me? Good must come from the bad? Susan’s life isn’t what she assumed it would be, but maybe it’s something better.”

He made a dismissive sound. “Better than marrying a solicitor and having a family of her own?”

“She has a family of her own,” she said softly.

“You’re referring to Annabelle.”

“I watch Susan with Annabelle. She loves the child.”

“You think the decision I made was the wrong one.”

“I don’t judge you for anything. I know what I saw. It tears Susan apart to see Annabelle.”

“Because Annabelle reminds her of what happened.”

Mairi smiled slightly and shook her head, then turned to look at the stars. Phin felt as if she’d tried to tell him something important. The decision to keep Annabelle’s true origin a secret had been a difficult decision but in the end it was for the best. Mairi didn’t understand. She hadn’t been here during that horrible time.

But something nagged at him. Could she be right? Susan had been struggling with her hearing loss, and he and Mrs. Horton had been struggling with finding ways to communicate
with her, and in the midst of all of that they hadn’t asked her opinion.

Phin’s main concern had been to minimize the damage to Susan’s reputation. Being attacked and raped had been bad enough. She’d lost a lot of friends and her fiancé, but Phin had been confident that moving the household to London would minimize all of that. Bringing a bastard baby with them would certainly ruin her completely. Claiming Annabelle as his seemed the best possible option.

While they’d been talking clouds had moved in again and soft rain pattered on the ground.

Mairi moved to the door and Phin followed. A soft breeze, much cooler than it had been before, ruffled through the leaves of the trees.

Phin opened the door for her and she stepped through. He made sure to secure the lock as the rain began to beat harder.

He turned and there she was, so close he almost stepped on her.

“Oh,” she said, taking a step back, but his hands came up and settled on her shoulders, making it impossible for her to move any farther.

She stared up at him, her eyes shining in the soft light coming in from the windows.

“Mairi, I …” He had no idea what he wanted to say so instead he kissed her.

Mairi wasn’t prepared for the kiss, but that didn’t mean she didn’t want it. She’d wanted Phin Lockwood to kiss her since the last kiss in the carriage.

She leaned into him, fisting his shirt in both of her hands, and pulled him closer. She stood on her tiptoes to get a better angle. She made a small sound of distress. Distress because her body was heating to uncomfortable proportions, just like it had before.

Phin Lockwood was lightning to her storm cloud, electrifying the air around her.

Phin walked her backward until she hit the wall. He cupped her buttocks and lifted her up, never once breaking their kiss. Mairi draped her arms around his shoulders and ran her fingers through the fine hair at his nape, luxuriating in the silky softness of it.

Phin trailed kisses down her neck, making her shiver and gasp. She tilted her head back.

Suddenly he stepped away, keeping a hand on her as she slid down the wall and found her balance. She looked up at him, dazed, blinking, unable to form a coherent thought.

“Bloody hell, Mairi.” He ran a hand through his hair and turned to pace away.

Mairi leaned against the wall because her legs were too weak and shaky to hold her up. She swallowed and touched her bruised and swollen lips.

He looked tormented and angry. But what could have angered him so? He seemed to have liked their kiss.

“We can’t do this,” he said.

Why not?
she wanted to ask.
Yes, we can
, she wanted to plead.
Oh, please
, she longed to beg.

Instead she stood there, blinking back tears of frustration and humiliation. He saw the tears and swore softly.

“Don’t,” he said, his tone harsh.

“Don’t what? Pretend I don’t want you?”

“Jesus, Mairi.”

She shrugged. “ ’Tis the truth.”

“You can’t just say that.”

She laughed, but it was shaky. “I bartered my virtue to you and you’re shocked I would say
that
?”

He went still. “Is that what this is all about? Payment?”

“No. I admit that when I made the bargain I told myself to endure whatever happened, but I spoke the truth a moment ago. I want this. I want you.”

She felt like a fool. No doubt he had many women begging for his body on a daily basis.

She pushed away from the wall and brushed past him. “Please forget this ever happened. I apologize.”

He grabbed her arm to stop her. “You have nothing to apologize for. I’m the one who took advantage.”

“Obviously, you’ve heard nothing I’ve said. You can’t take advantage of the willing.”

She left him standing in the dark of the library, too ashamed to continue the conversation, her body still humming from that wondrous kiss.

* * *

Mairi had hoped that walking away from Phin would cool her overheated body, but she was just as hot, just as uncomfortable as she had been when he pushed her up against the wall. Even more so now that she denied herself something she really wanted.

She walked into her bedchamber, past her bed and opened her window. The cool breeze rushed in, bringing with it the damp scent of rain. She thought of kissing Phin, of the kiss they’d shared in the carriage and of what it could be like if they ever made love.

And she thought of MacGowan, his creased face, his scowl, the mean, hard eyes that looked through her.

She didn’t want to marry MacGowan. She didn’t want to spend the rest of her life with a man who wanted nothing to do with her other than to steal her land.

As the days passed the chances of finding and convincing Grant to come back to Scotland had diminished and her chances of having to wed MacGowan rose. She didn’t want to wed MacGowan ever but especially before she had the chance to make love to Phin.