“You don’t owe me anything. And this helps me out. If you think this is bad, I clean Sarah’s shop, now that’s a little much to swallow. But it’s my job, and I’m new here and clients, any clients, are good.”
“What do you mean you clean Sarah’s shop?”
“Well I had to ask her.”
“You asked her?” he said feeling regret at what that had to be like for Cassie, and suddenly John didn’t want Cassie cleaning up for Sarah, or him, or swallowing any more of her pride to scrape by.
She laughed. “Don’t look so horrified. We’re actually quite amicable.”
“You are? You see her?”
“Yes. It’s not good business to fight with a client. So anyway, do you want me to finish or not?”
Confused and annoyed John looked away then and nodded. “Of course you can finish.”
He marched into his office, making an effort to ignore her again.
Then she was done and standing in front of him. He grabbed his check book and looked up in inquiry.
“What do I owe you?”
“Oh, no. Luke already paid; you don’t have to worry about it.”
“Okay.” John tossed the checkbook aside and leaned back in his chair regarding her.
“I was wondering, uh—” She stopped and fidgeted before she continued, “Would you like to come for pizza with Tim and me tonight? He’s been bugging me to go all week, and he misses you. He’s been asking about you. I just thought maybe—”
John brought his chair forward in surprise. Whatever he’d expected of her—which was any number of things—being asked to pizza with her and Tim, was about the last thing on that list. Then again he thought wryly when had Cassie ever done as he expected?
His heart tugged as she jammed her hands into her jean pockets. Tim missed him? Did Cassie? Because God knew he missed them.
“I’d like that.”
Her eyes popped up to his face at his simple answer, and her shoulders relaxed.
“Good. Tim will be pleased.”
“And you?” Why had he asked that?
“Me too,” she said softly, and then her voice was brisk again. “Well I’ve got to go pick up Tim and take a shower, so I’ll be by around six thirty.”
“I’ll pick you two up Cassie. Like a real date for once, we’ve never done that have we?”
“No. That would be nice. We’re at Harry’s still.”
“All right, six-thirty then.”
She turned to leave. He sat there confused by the invitation. And even more confused by how excited he was to be going to have pizza tonight with a single mother and her son. It was in fact the most he’d ever anticipated a date.
****
John smiled as he pulled into Harry and Estelle’s driveway. When was the last time he’d picked up a girl at her parents? It wasn’t exactly high school all over again, what with the drama of the last few months, and of course, Tim coming along.
Harry answered the door, but before they could say anything more than hello, Tim came around Harry and stopped in front of John, arms held out enthusiastically. John picked him up. His slight body wrapped around John’s trunk felt sweeter than anything John had ever pictured.
“Hey John, mommy says you’re coming to pizza with us.”
“Sure am little guy.”
“Good. I have so much to tell you. I’m back at school you know.”
“I didn’t know. I’m glad to hear that.”
“Where you been anyways? Luke comes over why don’t you?”
John glanced off into the room and found Cassie’s eyes. “I’m sorry Tim. I miss you too. I’ll be by from now on, so you won’t be able to miss me.”
“Really? Mom did you hear that?”
Cassie got up and came forward. “Quit bombarding John. It’s only been a month.”
“It’s been forever. Is my basketball hoop still up at our house?”
Cassie cringed. John grinned at Tim’s ability to ask any question, any time, with little clue to how awkward the situation could be for his mother.
“Sure your hoops still up. You’ll have to come over soon and use it.”
What was he doing? Building up a little boy’s hopes that he might eventually squash, depending on him and Cassie? Luke and John were heroes and substitute fathers in Tim’s eyes, and everyone knew it. John was uncomfortable not with that role, but with how much he wanted it. He wanted to see Tim, and he wanted Tim back at the house.
“Get your coat Tim so we can leave. It’s pouring out there,” Cassie interrupted before Tim could bring on a new barrage of questions. Then Cassie was close, and John felt that familiar punch in his gut. Would he ever get tired of looking at her? Who could make jeans and a fleece sweatshirt look like Cassie looked? Had Sarah ever, even naked, made his heart race and hands sweat like Cassie did? It wasn’t just wanting her, he was nervous, almost excited to be close to her.
Tim sighed. “All right, Mom,” he said as he rolled his eyes toward John then ran off down the hall.
Harry came over and shook John’s hand. Estelle exclaimed over the weather and where they were going. Finally, Tim came running back and the three of them dashed for John’s SUV, through the pounding rain that had already made mini-lakes all over the roads. The night was as wet and drippy as that unforgettable night Marcus died.
Once they were buckled in John turned toward Tim. “So where to Tim? Pizza in town?”
Tim beamed at the attention. “Yeah, pizza, pizza, pizza!” He chanted happily.
Cassie laughed at Tim’s antics, then turned forward and John felt a rightness, a rush of feeling so intense he paused, meeting Cassie’s eyes in the murky darkness of the car. It was a family outing kind of night; rainy, wet, going for a quick pizza with the kid bouncing off the seats in excitement about it. John suddenly longed for it to be real.
They were seated at the pizza parlor but a minute before Tim held his hand out impatiently for coins. What hit John squarely in the heart, was that Tim had automatically turned toward him, not Cassie, with his eyes shining and his hand out. John quickly dug around in his wallet finding some dollar bills he handed them to Tim to change out.
Tim’s eyes got big at the wad in his hand.
“Can I really use it all?”
He’d given Tim too much money. Tim glanced at Cassie for permission. Cassie smiled. “Yes this once Tim. But you have to at least come back and eat with us.”
“After we eat will you play with me John?”
“You’d best be getting to practicing if you intend to beat me.” John grinned as Tim jumped up and headed toward the arcades.
Then they were alone staring at each other across a red and white checkered table cloth, with a crowded pizza parlor buzzing around them.
What to say? Where to start?
“I told you he missed you,” Cassie said, her smile easy.
His didn’t feel so easy. How could she be so casual? Didn’t she feel this burning urgency he did? What he felt so urgent about he wasn’t sure.
“I’ve missed him too. A month is a long time for a kid; I’m surprised he didn’t forget me.”
“Forget you? He talks about you and Luke pretty much every day.”
“He does?”
“Yeah. A kid like Tim doesn’t take for granted those who are nice to him,” she said, her tone quiet.
“I care about him Cassie, regardless of where we stand. I’d like to see him sometimes.”
“Anytime.”
“So when did Luke get in touch with you?” John asked.
“He never stopped. He helped us get settled at the Everharts and helped get me started on clients. He didn’t tell you?”
“No,” John said his tone harsh; not at her, but at his own inadequate feelings that it should have been him, not his brother helping Cassie and Tim. How had all this spiraled so far that Luke was helping her and hiding his involvement with Cassie from him?
“Actually Luke hasn’t had much to say to me since you left. Neither have any of my family for that matter.”
Cassie’s eyes rounded at his admission. “Should I apologize for that?”
“Not everything is your fault. I do realize that.”
“Oh.”
Silence followed, and then he reached across the small table and covered one of her hands pulling it to the middle of the table where he held it. Then he said, “I am glad you didn’t leave town. When I came home that day after we fought, and you and Tim were gone I was crazy wondering where you were. I about tore Luke’s head off finding out.”
“I wouldn’t have just left town and disappeared without telling you. Things were so bad between us, and there Tim and I were living with you. There was no space or any way to get some perspective. It was best for us to go to the Everharts.”
He let her statement sink in between them before changing the subject to safer topics, like what she’d been doing the last month. “How is that going? Harry won’t say much to me at work. So I figure he’s mad at me too, on your behalf of course.”
She looked both embarrassed and pleased at his admission. “It’s going okay. Estelle and I are actually friends, and she’s taken to Tim as if she were there as his grandmother since Tim was born. He calls her grandma in fact.”
“Does that bother you?”
“No. It’s nice. Really nice to know Tim will have family beyond me and Kelly. We never had anyone else, Kelly and I, to be there for us. Knowing Tim does now is a huge relief.”
“How about you and Harry?”
“That’s more complicated. He’s more reserved with Tim and I. Probably because of my tepid attitude toward him. It’s hard to forgive being denied for thirty-three years, yet I imagine, having a father for the next thirty, would be transforming somehow. But they both seem glad to have us, not just as guests that won’t go away. As soon as I can though I’ll get Tim and I a place. I can’t wait, to really officially move here, and have my own space again. I may even take Kelly up on her endless offers and borrow enough money to buy a house.”
“I can help you.”
“No,” she snapped sharply. “I make a good living. I just need a little time to get it going successfully here, and make up for some of the expenses of moving and quitting work like I did. I can support us.”
He squeezed her hand. “Hey it wasn’t an insult. I meant it in good faith.”
“I just wish I didn’t always look like I needed help. I don’t. I have a good business and the reputation I had back at Portland will follow me here, I’m sure of it.”
John didn’t answer. Had he ended it with her that morning after Marcus Leary died? Had he meant it? Hadn’t it been his anger talking? How could Cassie be his ex when she felt like anything but that to him? Still, touching that subject would lead to questions and arguments he didn’t know how to fight yet.
She let go of his hand, and leaned back in her chair, a glint in her eye. They spent the next hour talking and laughing at nothing. Tim soon joined them and added his own antics, and finally caught John up on his school and friends and video games. Then John fulfilled the promised video game contest which he let Tim win without Tim even realizing it. Tim was so proud he’d beat John he smiled and chirped and bragged about it all the way back to the Everharts, leaving John and Cassie laughing so hard John’s stomach cramped.
John followed them to the front door where Tim quickly hugged him before running into the house. Then they were alone on the front porch of his boss’s house. And again, it was awkward. The ease of the last few hours evaporated as swiftly as Tim’s departure. Cassie wouldn’t look at him. Would they ever figure this thing out?
“I had fun tonight, thank you for taking us.”
“I had fun too. The best time I’ve had in months in fact.”
“Really?” She finally met his gaze. Then she turned and started for the door saying softly, “Call me again, I’d— I mean Tim and I would like to see you.”
“Cassie?” he said, as he reached for her elbow and swung her back around. “What is this? What’s going on?”
“I’m taking your mom’s advice.”
“My mom’s advice? Which is?”
“I should have known she didn’t mention it to you. She made a good point to me. That we should try backing off and taking it slow, see if there is anything real here. I mean God; we’re out of the glass house finally. Is there any ‘we’ outside of it?”
He regarded her intently. So Cassie hadn’t given up on them. “Why the month between then and now?”
“We needed space don’t you think? We needed some perspective.”
“And we have that?”
“No. I just thought we could see each other sometimes.”
“So we’re friends? Seeing if later there’s a possibility of more?”
“Yes. I think you’re right, we do need to think things through for once.”
“I see.”
“Good night John,” she said finally after an awkward pause.
“Good night.” Then he was in his SUV driving home to yet another night in a big lonely house with only the pounding rain overhead as company. The house was dark, Luke was gone again. John came through flicking on lights to ward off the sense of isolation that suddenly plagued him. He watched TV listlessly for a while, then went upstairs and flopped on his bed, fully clothed.
What the hell was he doing here alone? He hated the house without Cassie and Tim in it. He hated the last month; he had done nothing but miss them, and think about them. Why was he alone; when the woman he loved was only a few minutes away? What the hell was there to take slow?
She was the one. The one he loved. The one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He sat up suddenly like a rod had been stuck in his back.
So what was he waiting for? Tomorrow morning? A week? A month from now? What was he always waiting for? Some sign? Something to get done for him? A guarantee, that they would work out fine, a guarantee that would never come, because to be in love, was to take a leap of faith. A leap he’d never completely taken. Until now.
John looked at the clock. He’d sat around for far too long and it was now approaching midnight. There was nothing to do until tomorrow. He started to lie back, when suddenly he was on his feet.
The hell with waiting. The hell with tomorrow. He was going over to Cassie’s tonight. He’d waited nearly half of his life for it to be free and clear to be with her. And he’d be damned if he was wasting one more day without her.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Cassie was wide awake, reliving each moment of the day with John. The last month without seeing him had seemed longer than the ten years previous. When he’d walked into his room this afternoon she’d felt like rushing over to him and staying in his arms for the rest of her life.