Praying for Grace (12 page)

“Zoe, can I hold your hand?” asked Gretchen, who was waiting by the still-closed front door. 

I looked at her questioningly, but without asking her why, I stepped forward and took hold of her hand.

“Do you feel anything?” she asked me.

I shook my head side to side.

“Close your eyes and listen.”

I blinked at her a couple of times before gently closing my eyes. I focused on breathing in through my nose. I could smell wild wisteria that grew nearby. I could smell mud from a recent rain. Gus set his hands on my shoulders, causing me to tense for a brief moment. He nestled his face against the side of my neck. I could feel Gretchen’s hand shiver in mine, almost as if she had felt Gus’ skin on her own. My instinct was to pull away from her, but she held me still. I wanted to open my eyes but I could feel that my senses were heightened by whatever connection was being shared between the three of us. Before long I could feel Gus’ body down the length of my backside and his arms moved from my shoulders to around me, holding my body against his. When Gretchen also moved toward my front, in essence hugging me to her, I heard a tiny heartbeat in my mind. Within the virtual sound was a sense of overwhelming peace. For the first time since I thought he had died, I could feel Gus’ soul not only touching my own, but deep inside of my own. Gretchen’s soul was wrapped around us both. I felt safe and warm. I could feel very little else, in an indescribable way. Eventually the bond was broken and as I collapsed, Gus lifted me into his arms.

Hoot broke the lock on the front door and Gus carried me into the farm house, where he set me down on a couch. Before long I closed my eyes to rest. I blinked my eyes open. My head was in Gus’ lap and he was stroking my hair

I looked around the room. There was another smaller sofa and a couple of easy chairs. Katie and Abbey were on the loveseat tending to Emmett while Hoot and Dan were in chairs. I wasn’t sure why everyone was just sitting around.

“We have to make sure the house is safe,” I said quickly.

“We already did,” smiled Gus. “While you were sleeping.”

I squinted my eyes, confused.

“You’ve been out for a while.”

“You just carried me in,” I said.

“Three hours ago.”

I hadn’t realized I had slept.

“The house is safe and secure. Gretchen’s upstairs in one of the bedrooms. Whatever the three of us did outside on the porch, it knocked her out pretty hard too,” said Gus as he continued to pet my head.

“We’ll stay here for a day or so and then move on,” said Hoot. “I’m taking Danny out to look for a new rig. The rest of you should sleep.”

“I’ll watch over everyone,” said Gus sleepily. “Katie, Abs, Zoe…you should all find a bed and catch some Z’s.”

“There’s only one other bedroom up there,” said Katie. “Abbey, mind sharing with me?”

“That’s fine,” she answered with a yawn.

“I’ll stay here with Gus and take care of Emmett,” I mumbled. While everyone else began going their separate ways, I nestled in next to Emmett on the couch. He smelled of sweet milk and the outdoors. I rested my face close to his and drifted off to sleep again.

***

I woke when Emmett began fussing. I still felt tired and groggy. The room was darker than before and I had to struggle to see anything.

“Gus?” I called out, careful to stay relatively quiet.

“I’m here, babe.” I could hear him but not see him. A chair squeaked and footfalls came toward me.

“It’s dark.”

“It’s the middle of the night. Everyone else is asleep.”

At last he was close enough for me to make out his face. A single candle burned in the room, but was heavily shaded by something.

“Emmett’s diaper is wet.”

“I’ll grab a new one,” whispered Gus.

“Are Dan and Hoot back yet?”

“Ayup.”

“Did they find anything?”

“Yeah. A huge RV. You’ll like it. It was right out back under an awning.”

I sat up and arranged Emmett on the couch beside me. His sleeper suit was soaked with urine, as was I, so I stripped him down to his birthday suit. Gus produced a clean diaper quickly, so I wrapped it around his bum before he decided to pee on me again. I shrugged out of my wet shirt and nestled back against the couch to feed Emmett.

“Where is everyone?”

“Sleeping. Gretchen’s going to take the next guard shift soon.”

“You sound tired,” I observed. As I said it, he yawned.

“Once it’s light again, we’ll load up and head out.”

Emmett was busy eating, his little arms and legs stretching from time to time. He’d slept for a long time and I knew he’d be awake for a while.

“He’ll be awake for a bit. You should sleep,” I said to Gus.

“Once we’re on the road.”

“Where will we go?” I asked as Emmett finished his feeding. I noticed that the older he got, the shorter his feedings became.

Gus took a deep breath. “I’m not sure. Here, I’ll burp him.”

He held his arms out for the baby, and I handed him over. The little one was making soft cooing noises.

“He’s growing,” said Gus.

“Yeah. He’s gotten heavier. His cheeks are getting chunky.”

The three of us sat on the couch together waiting for daylight. It was quiet, aside from soft cooing and grunting from Emmett. Eventually the stairs squeaked as someone descended them.

“Gus?” called Gretchen softly.

He stood abruptly, on edge.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I think something’s wrong. I’m cramping and bleeding.” Gretchen’s voice was strained.

“Aw fuck,” said Gus.

She reached the bottom of the stairs and looked at Gus with great sadness in her eyes.

“He’s gone, Gus. I can’t feel him in my own head anymore.”

“Aw Gretch, I’m so sorry.”

“I know I never had a choice in having him, but I loved him so much. I could feel his soul already.”

Gus wrapped his arms around her and did his best to comfort her. “It’ll be ok, honey. It’ll be ok. Shhh.”

She was crying softly and her emotional pain was palpable from across the room.

“Gretchen, I’m so sorry,” I said. “Are you sure he’s gone?”

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and nodded.

“You’re early enough that things should resolve on their own. I know this isn’t what you want to hear,” said Gus, who still held Gretchen. “But let me know if you feel something pass? The bleeding will probably get worse for a few days until your body clears everything.”

“I don’t want this to be happening,” she moaned.

“I know, honey. I know,” he soothed.

***

We spent the first half of the day salvaging what we could from the old farm. We were lucky on two accounts. The farmhouse hadn’t been scavenged by anyone else and none of the dead made an appearance while we were there. Hoot and Dan managed to charge the RV battery using an old generator they found in the garage. We packed the RV with canned food from the pantry in the large country kitchen, as well as blankets and clothes. There wasn’t a lot of either, but we were grateful for anything. Katie and Abbey sorted through the small upstairs and found toiletries and a nicely stocked medicine cabinet. The RV itself was an impressively long Pace Arrow. It had about everything we could need inside: one bedroom with a queen sized bed, a kitchenette, two full-size sofas, and a table that made into a bed. It was newer with very few miles on the odometer.

Hoot suggested we drive southeast, back toward the mountains. He and Gretchen had been with the group at the old base for months and went into more detail about the strange zombies who had been gathering from the ocean, which they had named Islanders. They were infected and slowly dying. They held a primal intelligence that seemed to turn to insanity as time went by. Organized insanity, they called it. The group we had just left behind had been experimenting on them. The creatures were known to cut their own body parts off and adorn themselves with unusual items that they’d embed into their own flesh. At one time they were more alive than dead, yet still craved flesh. Hoot wasn’t gentle in his description. The dead were searching for me and the child I was carrying. Gretchen had verified it when she had laid her hands upon several of them that were captive at the base. They knew about Molly, and all we could assume is that the current baby growing within me was even more of a link between the living and the dead than Molly had been. The base had collected five different kinds of zombies: Runners, Roamers, a bloated Hunter, one of the children that Danny’s group had named Drawers for their ability to draw people in and mesmerize, and several of the Islanders. None of them had seen the ones that were charred and could crumple into a pile of ashes.

***

We traveled a major highway southeast for hours, Danny behind the wheel. Hoot suggested that each of us learn to drive the behemoth vehicle. It may be as critical as being able to shoot a gun, he had explained. He offered to teach us as a group first, but I bowed out to join Gus in the small bedroom at the back of the motorhome. Abbey wanted to hold Emmett, who was awake and content, so I agreed to leave him with her. Gretchen was resting on one of the two long sofas with her feet propped up. She looked a bit pale.

As I reached for the door knob to the bedroom, I turned when Hoot said something.

“We’ll be stopping in about an hour for a break.”

I nodded and proceeded through the door. Gus was snoring softly from the bed where he had sprawled out with his boots still on. I stood watching him for a moment as my mind wondered to Boggs. I already missed him terribly and knew even deeper grief would eventually find me. I kicked my shoes off and climbed onto the bed, trying to not wake Gus. The motion from the RV driving down the highway was making me nauseous. I situated myself near the edge of the bed, facing the cowboy I had grown to depend on for so many things. Each angle of his face was familiar, the fullness of his lips, the muscles of his chest and arms. I sighed without really meaning too, causing him to open his eyes.

“Hey there,” he whispered.

“Hey.”

“You doing ok?” he asked me.

“Not really.”

“I wish I had words of comfort, darlin’. I really do.”

“I know,” I said simply.

He found my hand with his and held onto it. “I love you, Zoe. Don’t forget that.”

“I won’t. I’m just so tired. Of everything. I don’t want things to be like this.”

“None of us do, baby. None of us do.”

He rolled onto his back and motioned me to come closer. Once I was cuddled up close to him, he held me tight with one arm.

“I’m really sorry about Gretchen’s baby.”

“Me too. She’s crushed.”

“What happened to the baby’s dad?”

“I killed him.”

I raised myself onto an elbow and looked down at him. “What the fuck?”

“He was a bad man, Zoe. He raped Gretchen. Did worse to others.”

“Oh my God. Is she ok?”

“I guess as ok as the rest of us.”

“I’m really sorry. Not just for her situation, but for not trusting her and for being jealous.”

“No need to apologize.” He took a deep breath. “We need to talk about our own baby. I know you’re not happy about it.”

I nestled back in beside him. “It’s just too soon. I ache for Molly every minute of every day. I never knew I could love someone as much as I loved her. How could I possibly love another?”

He rolled back onto his side to face me. “I’m sorry it happened, Zoe. I hope you’ll grow to love our baby. I know it’s not what you want, but I’m glad the baby is yours and mine.”

“I know I’m being selfish. I’m sorry,” I managed to mutter.

He kissed me on the lips gently and held me tight. “It’ll be ok. Somehow.”

“Make love to me?” I asked, not even knowing the words were about to escape my lips.

“You sure?” he sked, looking skeptical.

I nodded. “I need to feel something, anything. I can’t bear the sadness anymore.”

“I could just rub your back, or your feet, if you want?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head slowly side to side.

He adjusted himself until he was looking down at me.  His eyes were so soft and caring while his body was hard and rugged. “How do you want it?” he asked, looking eager to please.

“Slow and sweet.”

He leaned down and kissed me deeply. Sweetly. His skin felt hot and familiar as his hands undressed me. I gripped his back hard as he entered me, my nails digging in and causing him to wince. He looked into my eyes as if studying my soul as he began thrusting. The weight of his body against mine was a reminder of the reality all around us. I wanted to close my eyes and pretend it was a year ago and I was in my own bed, in my own home. Back when the dead stayed dead. Back when life was simple. Back when Boggs was a distant friend away at college. Back when he was alive. Back when life itself made some sort of sense. Soon the rhythm of his thrusting sent me into a state of unusual calm. I let my body relax as he demonstrated his love for me. Soon I joined him in a state of ecstasy. As our climaxes came to an end, we felt the RV come to an abrupt halt.

“Fuck,” grumbled Gus. 

“What is it?” I asked, alarmed.

“Trouble. I can sense it from Gretchen.”

Gus stood and was pulling on his pants as he rushed to the door that led to the rest of the motorhome. As he left the bedroom, I hurriedly pulled on my own clothes and followed him.

“What’s going on?” I heard Gus ask the others in a gruff voice.

“Not sure,” mumbled Hoot. “The road ends here.”

“Dan?” I addressed the teenager sitting next to Abbey on one of the sofas.

He shrugged.

My stomach was in an uncomfortable knot and I felt clammy all over. It was almost as if my insides were warming and my skin cooling.

“Something’s wrong,” I said, suddenly feeling faint and reaching for the side of the sofa.

“Zoe?” It was Abbey’s voice. I looked at her. “What is it?” she pressed as she stood.

I shook my head side to side. “I’m not sure. Tell them to drive,” I said quickly.

“Gus!” yelled Abbey. “Gus! Zoe says to drive!”

“Road’s washed out,” he called back. “What’s going on?”

“Gus! Back up! Tell them to back up!” I yelled.

I heard mumbling from the front end of the RV and eventually it began rolling backward. Gretchen and Gus came walking down the aisle, stumbling as the RV lurched to the side. Gretchen had dark circles under her eyes and looked exhausted.