Precious Blessings (Love Inspired) (16 page)

The waitress arrived with their food, setting down her bowl of soup and his plate with a thick sandwich and a mountain of curly fries. Katherine bowed her head for the blessing, adding silently to Jack's prayer,
Lord, I put my trust in You, that You will help me. I need a sign. Give me a sign of whether I can trust him
.

So much of her was at risk, she couldn't hold down
the terror. After the blessing, Jack withdrew his hand from hers and dug into his roast beef sandwich.

She could only stare at her steaming bowl of soup. There was a horrible sense of impending doom, like the finger of a tornado overhead, swirling and waiting, looking for the right moment to touch down.

You've given this to the Lord, remember, Katherine? She tried to relax. To stay calm. This was out of her hands. It was in God's.

And in Jack's.

“There's Hayden,” he said, nodding toward the window.

Marin's teenagers were awkwardly trudging sideways on their skis up on the slope, along the crest of the small incline and down, out of sight. Katherine forced her voice to sound normal. “By this time next year, she'll be taking the advanced run by storm.”

“You know it. She's also going to be happy again. And I owe it all you, Katherine.”

She froze, feeling the wind shadow from that tornado overhead, like the first sign that her dreams were about to shatter.

Jack kept on going, confident, and his adoration quadrupled. It was in his words, in his gaze, in his touch as he reached across the small table and caught hold of her hand, and in the very air surrounding them. “None of this would be happening if you hadn't come into our lives. Hayden's turning a corner, I think. I was able to forgive Heidi when I didn't know I hadn't. You showed me that by your example, Katherine.”

“You give me far too much credit. Please, Jack, don't—”

“You're modest, too. You have been a stellar role model for Hayden. You are a prayer answered for me. You're just…perfect.”

Perfect.
There was the tornado touching down, right in the middle of her heart. Shredding any chance, every chance at a lasting love with Jack. Pain splintered through her.
Perfect.
Why had he chosen that word? “J-Jack, you have n-no idea.”

“I know that every hardship in the past few years, after losing Heidi nearly did me in. It's been tough. I didn't understand why at the time, but I see it now. I had to go through that to get to the other side. To be different, to be better. To be with someone as amazing as you.”

“N-no, Jack.” Stop him, she had to stop him, but she couldn't seem to make her tongue form the words she had to say. She had to tell him. Right now. Before he went one step farther and started talking about how she'd make the perfect wife and mother of their children.

“No, I want you to hear this.” He was smiling, gazing down at her as if he thought her beyond compare, as perfect as he'd made her up to be.

As she'd let him believe because she hadn't told him. But it was too late now, she saw, as he lifted her left hand and leaned forward just enough to press his lips to her ring finger. Did he pick that finger intentionally? Agony sheared through her, and she pulled her hand away, wadded up the napkin in her lap and shoved off from the table.

He'd stood too, his forehead furrowed with concern, surprise on his face, love in his eyes.

He didn't understand. He would never understand. And she knew why, hearing his words, his voice, as fresh in her memory as when he'd said them over the phone after their first date.
I have to do what's best for my little girl, hands-down.

Of course he did. Absolutely. But how was she going to be able to tell him the truth, when he was gazing at her as if she was his answered prayer? She was certainly far from that, and she knew, no, she
feared,
that if she opened her mouth and the truth spilled out about that horrible time that had nearly broken her spirit forever, he might sympathize. Maybe he'd be fairly understanding about it. Maybe he wouldn't be as harsh as Kevin had been in his rejection of her.

But it would come in a worse, more devastating way. His precious love for her would fade. The tenderness in his voice would vanish. And the way he looked at her—the way she treasured more than anything in her life—would wither away. She was scared that when he looked at her, he would see a woman not good enough to be a stepmother and influence on his teenage daughter. Someone he could not respect for a wife.

So, instead of his adoration, she would look into his warm, dark eyes and see disrespect. And imagining that cracked her into a thousand pieces, like the crater in the aftermath of a twister, nothing but scorched earth and devastation where life and hope used to be.

Tears blurred his handsome face, as she fought
hard to find the right words to fix this. To salvage his regard for her.

But what? There were no words, no easy phrases, no way to lightly comment that not all first-date disasters were funny. That some were the exact opposite of what a date should be, with mutual respect and regard, with the hope for the first step to a great lasting love. That some were destructive and violent and cruel.

Maybe she'd simply walk away now because in the end, it would be the same. She would lose Jack eventually, as soon as he learned the truth. He wasn't the man she was searching for. He wouldn't understand. No matter how hard she'd prayed for him to be.

Why couldn't she have seen this coming? She could have realized this sooner, she knew how important his daughter was to him. That was one of the reasons she loved him so greatly. But it was a love that could not be.

“I'm sorry, Jack. I—” Blindly, she grabbed her coat and her bag and took off, choking back her tears, holding down her sobs, willing down the pain. Leaving him confused behind her, then running after her, but she beat him to the parking lot. She slid behind the shadow of a minivan, blocking her from his sight.

But he followed her anyway, tracking her through the icy parking lot. “Katherine? Are you all right? What's going on?”

Why did he have to be so caring? Didn't he know what he was doing to her? Ripping her to pieces a second time? She turned to face him when she wanted to run. She found words when she didn't know she had any left inside her. “I thought this was going to work, but it's just…not.”

“I don't understand.” He'd reared up like a startled bear looking around for the threat. “Is it that guy in the dining room? Did seeing him upset you?”

“No. This isn't going to work.”

“We were in there having a meal and everything was fine. What happened? What upset you like this?”

Just tell him, Katherine. Tell him the truth. That's what her heart was saying, but her mind—logically, she knew if she did, it would be a worse disaster than this.

She was minimizing the pain and the loss. That was the mistake she'd made with Kevin. She'd waited too long to tell him, trusting him when that trust had been misplaced. She wouldn't make that mistake again. And not when the love she felt for Jack was so strong, she could feel the confusion roiling inside him, the protective anger and confusion and, greatest of all, his love for her.

She took a step back, shivering, as the first flakes of snow fell, drifting from heaven like purity and goodness, like a brush of grace she couldn't let herself feel.

Jack swiped his hand to his forehead, as if he were trying to think, as if he were so upset it was an effort to stay calm and logical. “It was me. It was something I said. I was pushing you. I just have never…”

He shook his head, a big mountain of a man, looking helpless, open and vulnerable. All heart. “I've never felt this way before. So strongly before. So fast and one hundred percent. I just wanted to let you know what I think of you. That I'm committed. That I'm not like that lunkhead over there who changed his mind. I'm not that way. You know that, right?”

She was hurting him. That was the last thing she meant to do. She laid her hand on his, and the connection from her soul to his zinged through her like a rainbow across the sky. It wasn't real. As beautiful as it was, it was only an illusion.

And that's what this love between them had been. All it could ever be. She wanted Jack to be a man that he wasn't, the same way he wanted her to be a perfect example of what was good and right for his daughter.

“Goodbye, Jack.” She held her chin high, determined to do this the right way. Dying inside, appearing calm on the outside took all her strength of will, but she did it. “I think you are an incredible man. I wish more than anything that this could have worked out. You deserve the woman you think I am.”

She backed away, watching as the sky opened up and snow fell in a veil between them. Like a sign from heaven separating them. Hadn't she prayed for a sign? And God had answered that prayer.

This is for the best, she told herself as she hurried through the jam-packed lot. Car after car was empty and still, quickly blanketed by snow. No one was around, everyone was inside the lodge or skiing on the runs, and she felt the vast loneliness with every soundless footstep.

He never would have loved her anyway. Not enough.

She caught a blur of movement through the blur of the snowfall, at the edge of her vision. Jack, come after her? She wondered, turning instinctively toward him. But it was someone else heading toward the lodge. Jack was a faint shadow standing right where she'd left him, a perfect image with hands fisted, jaw set and powerful body
braced as if ready to fight. Then he hung his head in defeat.

I'm so sorry, Jack. It was fear that drove her forward; loss that numbed her to her core. She was too cold inside to feel the icy needles of snow or wind on her face. She beeped her car door unlocked and dropped into the seat, finally alone, willing down tears. It never would have worked anyway, this is better, she told herself. There would only be more pain and hurt, more anger and bitterness. She knew that for a fact.

Her cell phone chimed and she dug in her purse for it. Stabbed it off without even seeing who was calling. It didn't matter. She didn't care. She'd lost Mr. Right, her soul mate, Jack who made her feel whole, who made the pain in her past fade away like shadows at high noon.

I had wanted him to be the one. She rested her face in her hands and gave in to the heartache.

O
n his way back to the table, Jack kept going over their conversation in his mind, especially what Katherine had said.
You deserve the woman you think I am.

What did that mean? And what had he said to make her run out on him like that? He'd come on strong, that was it. He sent a glare across the dining room at the man who'd changed his mind about marrying Katherine.

How did anyone change his mind about Katherine? Jack didn't get it. Love wasn't about deciding who to marry; it was a power that came from down deep, a binding affection that had little to do with logic and everything to do with heart. The strongest forces in life were that way. Faith. Honor. Commitment. Integrity. Love for family. The need to protect and take care of them.

“Oh, good, you came back.” The waitress hurried up to him. “I thought you'd run out on the bill. You'd be surprised how often that happens. Is there something I can do?”

“Box up the food for me.” Hayden would probably snack on it later. As for him, he'd lost his appetite.

Was it over, just like that? He dropped back into his chair. He didn't know what to do. By the time he chased Katherine back to town, he'd have to turn right around and head up the mountain to pick up Hayden.

How could things do a complete one-eighty like that, just out of the blue? He remembered the look on her face, one of pure regret. Whole misery.

He looked over his shoulder. Katherine had had a clear view of her ex-fiancé and his wife and infant son all the while he'd been going on about how great she was and their future together.

On their second date. Maybe he'd pushed too hard. Maybe she was afraid of getting another proposal, and then having a man change his mind about her. That was not going to happen. He felt the dedication down to the underside of his soul. When God gave you a shot at a great blessing, a smart man didn't accept it with his brain, but his heart.

The question was, how did he fix this? How did he assure Katherine that he adored her, he was committed to her two thousand percent? That he thought she was beyond compare, and perfection on earth? How could he do all that to reassure her of his devotion and not scare her off?

He tried her cell again. Nothing. He called the bookstore. The cousin who was the cashier answered, the one who'd rung up his purchase yesterday. “Hi Kelly, have you heard from Katherine?”

“No. Isn't she there with you?”

“Not anymore. Can I leave a message for her to call me?”

It didn't seem like enough. He called her home phone. When her answering machine came on, and the gentle dulcet tones of her voice reached him, he felt the first hit of realization kick in. She'd called it off. She'd said it was wrong.

Maybe she'd meant he was wrong.

“Katherine.” He fought to keep calm, to keep his mix of hurt and confusion and angst from turning into all-too-easy anger. “I'm sorry. I don't know what I did or what I said. Or if it's just me you think is wrong for you, but I'm asking you to call me.”

He stopped short of saying too much. Like “I love you. No, I don't just love you. It's like from here to the next galaxy and back. Big time, real love.” He didn't know if that would scare her further or hurt her more. “Just…call.”

He hung up and left his phone out where he could reach it fast if she should call. He didn't know what to do. He was stuck here until Hayden's group was done. Maybe, by the time he got her settled at home, he could run out and make sure Katherine got home safely. See if he could get her to talk.

See if there was a way to fix this.

The waitress returned with the soup in a container, his sandwich boxed and a new pot of tea.

This couldn't be happening. It just couldn't. He poured a cup of tea, feeling the steam rise against his face. The shock was starting to wear off, he could feel the heat from the steam and the chill from standing
outside without a coat in a snowstorm. Desolation spread through him.

What if there wasn't a way to fix this? What if Katherine meant what she said, that it was wrong and she was done seeing him? He wasn't going to be okay. Not by a long shot.

He stared out the window watching the snowfall, preferring the numbness of shock to the pain of losing a dream like Katherine.

 

Katherine stumbled into her lonely kitchen, feeling her way through the dark. Turning on the light wasn't going to help her. She felt blind, deaf and numb inside. Paralyzed from the inside out. She dropped her keys on the tray by the back door, hung her coat on the wall hook, unlaced her boots and just walked. Without thought or direction. Completely shut down. Because if she felt anything, even the carpet beneath her feet, then everything might pour out, like a floodgate being opened, and the rush of pain would be too much.

Don't think about him. Don't think about anything.

She found herself in the living room, facing the drawn blinds over the bay windows. She sank onto the cushions, staring at nothing. Feeling nothing.

Images welled up, images she blinked hard against. Kevin gazing at his wife like the paragon she probably was, the paragon he'd wanted. How that was similar to what Jack wanted.

Stop remembering, Katherine. It's only going to hurt, and for what reason? The past can't be changed. Wrongs done to you cannot be undone. There's only
now and moving forward. And moving forward meant leaving Jack behind. Just letting him go. And trusting that there had to be another man out there somewhere who wasn't looking for perfection. A paragon, as Kevin had told her he'd wanted when he'd proposed.

Had she known that Jack had been thinking this all along, then she never would have encouraged him. She never would have gone on that date with him. She would have politely turned him down, just like the copier guy. Just like she'd done with a handful of men over the years. The ones who'd looked as though they might not accept her if they knew.

Or, maybe, just maybe, she was the one at fault. She'd run tonight without telling Jack the truth. And what did that make her? Tears burned behind her eyes. A failure? A coward? A liar? She didn't want to be any of these things. She believed in facing life honestly and as straightforwardly as possible.

She was trying to protect her heart. That was all.

A knock rapped against her front door, jarring the silence. Jack. Her pulse jackhammered and she spun toward the door. No, she couldn't face him right now. She was just too vulnerable. Every protective layer needed to be put back in place first. Her calm, her faith, her polite veneer, so she could be sensible, predictable Katherine again. Back in her rut.

The phone rang. She didn't move. She sat like a shadow in the dark as the answering machine kicked on.

“Hey, Kath.” It was Holly, her voice warm and gentle with understanding. “I'm standing in your
walkway. I know you're home. There's wet tire tracks disappearing beneath your garage door. Can I come in? I want to make sure you're all right.”

No. Yes. Katherine didn't know what she wanted, but she couldn't turn away one of her dearest friends. Especially when it was snowing so hard outside and Holly had come to comfort her. So she stumbled her way through the room, turned on the small foyer light and unlocked the front door.

Holly tumbled in, dripping melting snow. “Hi. When I was done with my delivery at the gift shop, I hunted you down, but no you. Just Jack sitting alone in the dining room.”

“Jack was still there?” Katherine woodenly took Holly's coat and hung it up to dry. She tried to take comfort in the fact that he hadn't come after her. And not to read it as a sign that he hadn't bothered.

Holly rubbed her arms. “It's freezing in here. Let me just turn up the heat. Oh, and you're sitting in the dark.” She disappeared around the corner, flipping on lights on her way to the thermostat. “I had wanted to swing by and make you introduce me to him, so I could grill this guy, you know, see what I think he was made of.”

“Not necessary.” Katherine crossed her arms in front of her heart, the only shield she could manage. “Let me put some tea water on.”

“Forget tea.” The heat clicked on with a whir of air from the floor vents, and Holly strolled into sight. “I'm here because I can guess what happened. Jack was alone at that table, and he stayed that way. You were
supposed to be there with him, so obviously something happened. He looked like the world had ended.”

For her, too, Katherine realized.

“You don't look much better. I can't believe that he pulled a Kevin on you. Marin really thought he was a good guy. That he had his heart in the right place. C'mon, come sit down. Tell me what happened.”

“You've got it all wrong.” Why did that rip her apart even more? “I called it off. It was all me. I thought if I did, then I'd be saving us both more hurt down the line. But I don't know, this hurts much worse than I thought it would.”

“But you told him, right? Isn't that why you're in tears?”

Katherine shook her head, collapsing onto the corner of the coffee table. “I couldn't make myself say the words.”

“Why not?” Kindness. Comfort. Friendship. Holly sat down across from her on the couch. “Was he mean?”

“That would have made it easier. Do you know what he said? He thinks I'm a stellar role model for Hayden. I'm a prayer answered. That I'm perfect.” Katherine hid her face in her hands, bleeding from the soul. “He doesn't see me at all. He's imagined the woman he wants and has confused me with her. It's what Kevin did. He saw what he needed, not who I am. And it was so the opposite of what he'd decided I was, that when I finally told him the truth, he couldn't accept it. I hadn't been honest with him soon enough.”

“That isn't something you tell any stranger up front.”

“But a boyfriend? Someone I'm in love with? Yes, it is. But it doesn't matter now.” She didn't have to open up that painful chapter in her life and go back over it. “Enough. I can't stand to think about this.”

It was like going under for the third time, knowing it was her last breath of air. Some things, even far in the past, hurt too much.

Holly was silent for a while and Katherine was grateful for that. It gave her time to battle down the sobs rising up in her throat. To will down the tatters of memories and the pieces of her heart. To lean on her faith and pray, asking for the strength to get through this the right way.

“Let me get this straight,” Holly finally said. “You ended this because you thought he wouldn't understand? You rejected him because you
thought
that's what he was going to do to you?”

“It doesn't sound so good when you say it.” She swiped at the pooling tears blurring her vision. “He's not going to think I'm such a fine example for his daughter if he knows.”

“You don't know that. Besides, that doesn't make sense, Katherine. You didn't choose what happened to you.”

“No, but not everyone understands that. Even my own father said at the time, ‘How could you let that happen?'” She swiped her hands over her face, wanting to hide, wishing she could remove the pain and confusion by hitting a delete button. One click and it would be all gone. Impossible, she knew.

“Remember when I told you that love is opening a door in your heart and letting that one other person in?”

Katherine nodded; she knew her friend meant well. “You said one of the hardest things is to love without defense. I know that's what you're going to say I didn't do. That I pushed him away, and I did, but not for that reason. He said—” She closed her eyes, knowing it was only half the truth. “I panicked. I don't want him to know what happened. I can take a lot of things, but I don't think I can stand having him look at me differently. I just…can't do it.”

“You don't know what he would have said. Now you never will. What if you're wrong?”

She couldn't consider that right now. Not at all. She had to make a plan to get through the next few days. That meant life as usual tomorrow. Work, dinner with her sisters, maybe a stop on the way home past the nursery. The climbing roses she'd ordered last fall had come in. Back to her garden. Back to her friends. Right?

Then why did it feel so wrong?

Someone pounded at the door. Marin's voice penetrated the thick wood. “Hey, in there! Open up. I have chocolate ice cream and I'm not alone. Ava brought pie.”

“The reinforcements have arrived,” Holly rose. “I'll let them in.”

 

“Dad, are you okay?”

Jack pretended he didn't hear Hayden over the
rumble of the garage door closing. “Leave the skis. I'll worry about unloading later.”

He grabbed the to-go bag the lodge's waitress had been kind enough to provide for him and sloshed through the snow tumbling off the sides of the SUV. He inserted the key, turned the bolt and led the way inside. After turning on lights, he dropped the bag of food on the kitchen counter and kept going.

No blinking light on the answering machine. No call on his cell. He scrolled through the received calls list to check and see if Katherine called but left no message. She hadn't.

There was a rustling of the bag behind him. “Hel
lo?
Are you going to answer me?”

That got his attention. “What?”

“Are you finally going to tell me the big mystery? I thought Katherine was going to be at the lodge and I had to be all polite an' stuff. She's not coming here, right?”

He shook his head, despair clogged in his throat, and he couldn't speak. Didn't trust himself to. There was nothing to say about Katherine. Nothing he wanted Hayden to know.

She opened one of the containers and then checked out the soup. “I'm gonna take this to my room, 'kay? I gotta study.”

Normally he was pretty strict about sit-down meals, but he didn't have the heart for trying to make conversation. Even with his daughter.