“It’s ok, I usually wake up at this time anyway,” I said, trying a cheap attempt at a joke. It apparently hit home though, causing him to chuckle. His laugh was so infectious, bringing me further out of the hazy sleep I had just been in.
“Well, you’ll be glad to know that your sodium and potassium levels are normal.”
“Thanks, that’s also the first thing I wonder when I wake up,” I said, now chuckling with Ryan. I propped myself up on the backrest so that I wasn’t looking up at him. He leaned his shoulder onto the doorframe, a tired yawn escaping through his clenched jaws. I guess he didn’t want a patient seeing his weakness.
“Tired, huh?” I asked, suddenly feeling bad for him.
He nodded weakly, a half smirk creeping up his face in an attempt to look a little livelier.
“Yep, but I’m off after you so I was just gonna grab a bite to eat and take a nap in the break room.”
“Wow, so you can’t even go home?” I asked, feeling worse and worse for him. I wondered if I could have handled being a doctor and not being able to sleep a full eight hours on some days yet still be expected to save lives. Then again, I was also terrified now that I had to find a new career path. I had no idea what else I was supposed to do with my life.
“Nope,” he said, “we’re short-staffed, and I have someone here I want to stick around for,” he said, his devotion to his patients apparent in everything he said. He shifted his weight and stretched out a shoulder, relieving the tension that came from working twelve-hour shifts trying to not have an accident and kill someone. Just then, my own stomach grumbled and reminded me that I hadn’t eaten anything for pretty much a whole day. Ryan heard it too, which wasn't a very attractive thing to be around. Even so, I had to be grateful because if my stomach had stayed quiet, then Ryan may have never invited me to the food court for a midnight meal.
"Sounds like someone could use a gourmet steak meal?" Ryan said, smiling at me and disarming me even further.
"Do you know where I can get one?" I said, playing along.
"Not here, that's for sure," he said, "but if you want we can go to the cafeteria and grab a decent cheeseburger?"
Of course, I didn’t take too much time to think about his proposition. I swung my feet off the raised hospital bed and slipped on some sandals.
“Thanks for coming. I may have fallen asleep in the soup if I had gone by myself,” he said, walking alongside me. I could tell he had to slow down his usual pace to accommodate for my slower, just-woken-up pace. We passed by a few different hospital wings on our way to the cafeteria, and in each one, Ryan took a moment to greet all the nurses and ask if they needed anything. I tagged along, becoming more and more impressed by the true gentleman that was walking next to me. He seemed to be perfect, which was something that immediately made me wary. Nevertheless, I just couldn’t help feel that soft puppy-love feeling around him. Watching him care so much about others in a way I forgot had existed.
"So how have you been feeling?" Ryan asked, stretching his strong shoulders again as he walked. I was scared that if he kept doing that he would tear through the coat.
"Not bad, I mean the tests weren't fun, that's for sure."
"Yeah, not many people like getting poked and prodded. Sorry about that," he said, looking at me as though he were genuinely sorry he had to do it.
"It's not your fault," I said, laughing it off. It was then that I realized how good of a person Ryan actually was. To the point of taking blame on him for something totally out of control. It was a trait that was extremely admirable and very hot. It was also a trait that I was never used to seeing.
"Still can't help but feel a little guilty."
"Well make it up with the dinner then," I joked.
"If my conscious is relying on the dinner then I may as well just go home now and drown in my own sorrow." He smiled again, that same smile that would ensnare anyone.
"I'm not that picky, I promise. Last thing I'd want is for you to drown in anything."
"How about piles of money?" he quipped.
"That'll be an exception."
We both turned a corner again and almost walked into a young girl and her nurse. “Susy!” Ryan said, running up to the little girl with the cutest pigtails held up by bright blue rubber bands, wearing a pink Hello Kitty footsie pajama. Her whole demeanor brightened as Ryan scooped her up in his arms and gave her a kiss on her forehead. She giggled and ordered Ryan to put her down before she got “sicksies” again. He placed her back on the ground and handed her back to the nurse in charge.
“Fought off those icky sticky monsters yet?” Ryan asked, bending down to her level.
“Yes!! I’m all better! Look, no more sharp things,” she said, pointing down at her tiny forearms. I noticed the red pinprick marks scattered around her arm.
“That’s great to hear! But what are you doing up you crazy girl?”
“She needed to go to the bathroom,” her nurse answered, smiling down at her precious charge. The girl’s grin beamed between the both of them and shone an even brighter light on Ryan. He gently ruffled her golden blond curls and sent them off to her room.
“She had to be the cutest thing ever,” I said once Ryan came back to my side and we continued on our trek to the cafeteria. He smiled down at me, a new glint in his hazel green eyes that replaced the tired dimness from earlier.
“I’ve known her since she was two, and you’re right. She’s an angel,” he said, looking straight ahead but still keeping that wide grin on his face.
“You really like kids don’t you?” I asked, unable to ignore how passionate he was for children. It made for a very attractive quality that just propelled him to a whole other level.
“I do, yeah. Hopefully have five of my own some day.”
“Five? Wow! My mom came from a family of four and that’s crazy to me, five sounds like you’ll never be bored at Thanksgiving.”
“Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Martin Luther King Day. I'll always be entertained. It's something I never really got to experience. I had… well have a brother but I always wondered what it would be like to have more siblings,” he replied, pausing for the briefest moment at the mention of his brother. I looked over at him but couldn’t make out his facial expression. I wanted to dig in and find out what would make him pause. I wanted to find out what would make him tick as well. I basically just wanted to find out everything about him. He was becoming more and more interesting as the night went on.
I felt like there were layers I wanted to peel off of him. I imagined nights spent just talking about our lives, learning the histories and the small stories that followed us to adulthood. I imagined listening to each other talk about a first pet dog or the biggest fears we had when we were little compared to the ones we fear now. They were all questions that had no real substance unless answered and I wanted him to answer them all.
“Are you close to your brother?” I asked, needing to know more about him. I wasn’t sure if it was against some hospital rule to get close to a doctor, but I couldn’t help it. There was something there that excited me to no end.
“Well, sort of a complicated story,” he started as we finally entered the cafeteria. It was largely empty, with only two cashiers and a few cooks working by the cheeseburger grill.
“Hate to talk about such strong subjects, but since you asked. I was put up for adoption when I was born and just recently found out I have a brother I never knew about." He paused, letting me digest the history he was giving me. "I went through some lawyers and other doctors, trying to find something that pointed me in the right direction,” he said as he motioned over to a pre-made cheeseburger warming up under some heat lamps. Meanwhile, I was hanging on his every word. I knew how hard it was to go through foster care just by the stories Eric would tell me. The foster system was set up with the best of intentions but some people just aren’t meant to foster, and Eric had to deal with a lot of those. Yet Ryan seemed much better adjusted than Eric.
“Yeah, so I was finally able to reach out to my brother about a week ago. My actual brother. It feels weird to say out loud,” Ryan said, almost laughing at the way brother sounded coming out of his mouth. I could see that he was a man who never dreamed of connecting with his biological family again, so to find out that he had a brother must have been incredible.
I smiled at him as we sat down on the white, rounded tables in the center of the cafeteria. I took a bite into the now stale burger and swallowed with a sip of gatorade. He offered me some of his Lucky Charms cereal but I politely declined.
“I’m so happy you could find him,” I said, genuinely thrilled for him, “have you guys met in person yet?”
He looked up from his milk and cereal, which sat next to his also stale cheeseburger, and shook his head.
“Not yet, he had been out of town and then my schedule got crazy. We have something planned for next weekend though,” Ryan said. I noticed a bit of nervousness creep up on him at the thought of meeting his long lost brother. His free hand started nervously fluttering against the table. It could have also been the exhaustion he had been feeling.
“What do you guys have planned if you don’t mind me asking?”
“I don’t mind you asking anything,” Ryan said, genuinely meaning it. He kicked his leg out in front of him, accidentally knocking into mine but not moving it away. I tensed a little at the surprising touch but slowly relaxed.
“We’re doing what I assumed normal brothers do and go to a pizza place with some arcade games.”
I somehow found that to increase his attractiveness even more. “Wait, is he younger than you?” I asked, wondering why they weren’t going to a bar so that alcohol could cure any awkward moments between them, which I assumed would happen after not knowing each other for their whole lives.
“Yeah, he’s 20 and I’ll be 29 next month,” he asked, bringing his glass of milk up to his full lips. I noticed the dark black stubble that was starting to appear below his bottom lip and spreading out across his sculpted jaw line, darkening his already bronze complexion.
“Wait, you’re really young for a doctor,” I said, realizing the timeline.
“Yeah, I may have been a bit of a nerd when I was younger,” he said, almost sounding bashful. This Greek god sitting in front of me was confessing that he was a nerd in his high school days. I couldn’t be anymore turned on.
“I graduated two years early and started college at the ripe old age of fifteen. Needless to say, I was really popular among the frat scene,” he joked, twirling the glass of milk around and creating a white funnel. I noticed a muscle twitch underneath his now tired eyes, and I could tell I was starting to keep him up. I laughed and took one last bite out of my cheeseburger before I stood, grabbing our trays and throwing them both out.
“Well, I would have partied my ass off with you,” I said as we both started our way back to my room.
“Oh really?” Ryan asked, a playfulness in his voice that wasn’t there before.
“Yeah, I think we would have made great drinking buddies,” I said matter-of-factly.
“I was known for my speed and prowess at chugging bud lights.”
“I could tell, just by your stance,” I joked, noticing how Ryan still said hi to other the nurses on shift even as tired as he was.
“And how was that stance?” He asked, stopping in the empty hallway that held my room and calling me out. I could do nothing but stick to my guns and demonstrate. I comically put my hands on my hips, thrusted gently forward, and strode towards him with my hips swaying back and forth in an exaggerated manner. We both immediately broke out laughing once I came to a stop right in front of him. It could have been the exhaustion, but I somehow found myself laughing into his chest. He instantly put his hands around me in something that felt like more than just a hug. Our bodies pressed together as our sleep-deprived heads continued to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.
The laughing slowly subsided and I began to realize I was still in Ryan’s arms. As my giggles diminished, I pushed away from his chest a bit and looked up at him. He looked down, our lips inches from meeting. I felt his warm breath on my cheeks as we tried to regain some air after our laugh attack. Our eyes were locked in with each other’s, his hands lowered down and pulled me in even closer. His back smacked against the wall as my hands looped up around his neck, the stubbles of his beard gently scratching at my palms.
“I thought you were beautiful the moment you were wheeled into my room,” Ryan whispered to me, smiling mischievously as his mouth inched closer to me. I tilted my chin upward, ready for our lips to meet in a passionate exchange driven by an intense chemistry that I had never felt before. My center burned with a growing passion as I brought his face down towards mine.
Then we heard footsteps, and it was over faster than it had begun.
If I had jumped back any further I would have broken some sort of physic’s law. I was literally on the other side of the hallway in probably two seconds flat. My senses were always on high alert and I was well aware that we could get in trouble for this. And besides, what if Eric somehow found out?
Nope. Not an option.
I looked over at Ryan as a blonde nurse wearing teddy bear scrubs walked down the hall, nodding politely at the both of us but no doubt wondering what we were up to. I waved a goodnight towards her and to Ryan, smiling and mouthing a "thank you" as I hurried into my room. I took a deep breath and laid back down in my bed.
I slept with a smile on my face that night.
Waking up was a much less pleasant experience compared to falling asleep with the smell of Ryan still lingering in the air. My eyes snapped open to the sound of my phone vibrating on the bed stand next to me. I had forgotten to leave it charging the day before so it was off the whole time until I had turned it on just before falling asleep which meant that I didn’t get any of Eric’s calls.