What was I going to do with her?
“It was good, the TA threw a fit cuz someone copied someone else’s homework but then we got on to figuring out chemicals and stuff,” I said, lifting a slightly bended spoon up to my mouth.
“Well, get your ass ready cuz we’re going to the mall,” she said, dragging her rubber slippers with her towards the bathroom.
“I can’t, I have calculus in an hour.”
“The only cal you’ll be calculusing is me in the Victoria Secret store. The coupons just came in.”
“Calculusing isn’t a thing,” I called after her as she closed the bathroom door. And then I laughed because of just how crazy yet beautifully unrestrained my best friend was.
It felt so good to laugh lately. It felt good to release the trauma that had occurred. It was like toxins were being expunged with every time I found something funny. At one point I sounded very similar to a mating hyena which I’m sure wasn’t very pleasant for anyone around. The room felt lighter after the laugh attack subsided, the air was easier to breathe and flowed through the space like a silky breeze. It was a weird roller coaster of emotions, which probably led to my describing of air as silk, but it was true. I was making progress though and progress was good. I made a choice. I was going to the mall and I was going to be happy.
Done deal.
Courtney jammed out to Nicki Minaj on the way to there, the windows down and the wind picking up the mane of hair around me. I sang along with her, trying my hardest to keep a smiling face. I lost my euphoria somewhere between changing out of my clothes and getting into the car. Courtney was able to distract me for the most part, but I still wasn’t feeling one hundred percent. I was getting there, just not there yet. It seemed as though the whole fake-it-till-you-make-it thing applied to emotions as well.
We found a parking spot close to the entrance and made our way over to the not-so-grand mall entrance, dodging a driver who was too busy checking his email rather than seeing where he was going. I had to snatch Courtney out of the way at the last second, grabbing her white Coach purse and tugging her to my side of the street.
We entered the mall and ran straight towards Victoria’s Secret, ready to unleash some major bra savings with coupons that Courtney conveniently hordes. I noticed that Courtney chose out the ones she liked the most without any restraints. The ones that made her look pretty damn hot. She liked that too, she wanted to flaunt her sexuality. I looked down at the bland black bras I had chosen and realized I could get something with more lace, frills, blue, pink, dark, bright. I could choose
whatever
I wanted. Eric never really liked it when I wore overly sexy bras since he said he liked me not having to flaunt for him but I now could see it was just him trying to manipulate me into feeling more self-conscience. I could do whatever I wanted now.
I chose the ones that made me look the hottest, pushing up my breasts and flaunting everything for what it was worth. Not that they were huge and worth much, but hey, it was a confidence booster. If I was going to be single, I wanted to do it right.
Holy shit.
I was single.
I felt my breath leave me in one fell swoop. I had to take a pause and collect myself because I felt as though there was an edge of sanity and I had stepped to the very end of it. My whole identity was me as a couple. Who was I kidding? I had no idea how to do all this alone.
“Shit, look at you!” Courtney said as she came up to me and motioned at my selection.
“I think I need to sit down,” I said, handing her the bras and walking out past the mannequins flaunting their perfectly stitched curves. I could hear Courtney ask me what was wrong but I needed to get some air. I went straight to one of those lounge chairs only elderly people use to sleep in and slumped down. I rubbed the top of my head with my fingertips, trying to ease the stress that came with major life changes. I figured massaging my scalp wouldn’t exactly do much but it was worth a shot.
I didn’t’ sit there for long until Courtney was back at my side, rubbing my shoulder in solidarity. Her bright pink Victoria's Secret bag brushing up against my side as I explained to her my sudden realization in the store.
“Em, it’s a huge change but honestly it’ll be the best change that could ever happen to you. Being single isn’t a loss of potential, it’s a gain of potential. Since when are we ever scared of gaining potential? That’s like spitting in the boss’s face when he gives you a raise to CEO.”
Wow. That had to have been the smartest thing Courtney had ever said. Her words rang true though. I did have so many more doors open to me now. Before, Eric was my one and only. I was tied to him until the end of time. Now, I was a free floater, not chained down to a monster that would likely consume us both. It meant I could go out and meet other people. It meant I could flirt and not worry about feeling guilty. If I wanted to have a one-night stand, then I could. I now had the option to find and settle down with an Italian restaurant owner that has property on French Riviera.
The world was mine.
“Em. Em!” Courtney whispered harshly.
“It’s Dr. Matthews.”
I heard Courtney say his name at the precise moment we locked eyes from across the mall. The same breath that escaped me earlier rushed out in the same exact manner. Except this time, my heart was also beating, and it was beating fast. I felt my cheeks blush a rosy pink as Ryan smiled at me. He was just as attractive out of his scrubs as he was in them. He had on a muscle hugging black shirt and tailored dark jeans that stopped above some very expensive shoes.
He came in for a hug, his sturdy arms circled me as I felt his core for the first time underneath my hands. He felt so strong and powerful, like he could lift me up and carry me straight to the nearest bedroom without a second thought. I took in his scent again, an oaky cologne drifting over my way. Suddenly, I didn’t want to let go. I immediately felt a sense of safety, and safety was an extremely hot commodity for me right now.
Just walking out of the house this morning had me shivering a bit with fear. I was expecting Eric to come out of every corner we turned. It wasn’t a very realistic expectation, I knew that, but I still thought that each streetlight would be the one where Eric shoots me down, achieving revenge for whatever he perceives I’ve done to him. They were scary thoughts. It was why I was so hesitant at the thought of texting Ryan sooner. I wasn't sure if I wanted to open up that can of sexy hot worms, but I couldn't say no to fate now, could I?
“Emma! How are you feeling?” Ryan asked, snapping me out of the dark cycle of my swirling psyche. I felt him go into doctor mode as he looked me over, even his stance shifting to reflect the change.
“I’m good, I guess,” I said, a little weaker than anticipated.
“You sure?” he asked, beginning to sense something was wrong. I didn’t want him thinking anything of it though so I decided to change the subject.
“Yep. So… what brings you around here?”
Jeez, why am I so awkward?
“I have the whole family reunion thing coming up in a bit and thought I’d just buy a shirt today and get it out of the way,” he said, posting himself on the black leather mall chair that rested on the green circular carpet underneath. The sun shone down on us both from the large ceiling windows above. The light made Ryan’s hair glint and his teeth shine even brighter in that heart-melting smiling. His eyes picked up the shine as well, making my knees grow a little weaker.
This time I could have sworn I noticed his gaze linger a little longer on my cleavage than the last time he had looked me over in his office. I felt something in me shiver. It was a weird mixture of newfound fear towards tenderness and an insatiable chemistry that was beginning to build between Ryan and me. He stood there, his eyes starting to consume me. I paid more and more attention to his lips as well.
It was torture, and I didn’t feel anywhere near emotionally ready for this.
“Nice, thinking ahead huh?” I asked, shrugging my shoulders in a way that Juno would be proud of.
Something was seriously wrong with me.
“I’m a planner like that. Actually, I was just going into Express to check out some shirts.”
“Oh nice! I love those shirts, they look so great on guys,” I said, suddenly pretending as though I knew the difference between an Express shirt and something from Ross.
“That’s a good endorsement then,” he said, licking his lips in the slightest bit. Just enough to make my heart beat that much faster. The affect he was having on me was bizarrely strong. Something about his genuine smile and his perfect, kissable face made me feel as though things were going to be alright. Like he was the really bright, white light at the end of the tunnel.
Except I wasn’t dying anytime soon or anything.
At least not that I knew of.
“Well yeah, I would think twice if I don’t endorse something. Like Gap. That’s a no no.”
“This shirt’s from Gap,” he said, grabbing the bottom and stretching it out a bit in a “this is my shirt” kind of way. It revealed more of his tan, chiseled chest.
“Well there are exceptions,” I said, holding my ground.
“Glad I’m one.” His smile was seriously a dangerous problem.
It was addictive.
“Glad you’re one too,” I said, almost bashfully. What the hell was this? What kind of sorcery did this guy have over me?
“If you don’t have anything to do, you can come help me pick out a shirt. I would hate to pick one and find out it doesn’t have Ms. Emma Wells’ stamp of approval on it.”
He remembered my name. My full name. Not just my first name, not just that I was a miss or a mrs, but my full first and last name. And it sounded so smooth coming off his tongue.
Of
course
I was going to go.
Techno music mixed with overplayed pop songs blared through the speakers as we walked into the store and were greeted by the provocatively posed mannequins, all made out of bright, shiny plastic. I looked around at the various displays of vivid colored button down shirts and expensive tailored suits. I ran my hand across some of the pants and felt the silk run down my palm. I walked close to Ryan, feeling his strong presence next to me made me feel comfortable. Feeling him brush against me was also turning me on.
Our hands bumped together a few times in that middle-school kind of way. The one where neither party really acknowledges that they made contact. Instead they choose to go on with their lives and continue playing the games with each other. Accidentally bumping hands, or walking into each other, or grabbing the same shirt.
Yeah,
that
way.
“Ok, so this dark blue shirt or this light blue shirt?” Ryan asked, hoisting up two very similar looking shirts, leaving me at a loss as to which one would be better.
“Um, the dark one,” I said, pointing over to it. Ryan looked at my choice and nodded in approval, he hung the other shirt on the rack and walked back over to me, not knowing that I totally guessed which shirt looked better. In reality, I had very little fashion sense, especially for guys. I felt him grab me by the small of my waist and shift me aside to the left so that an older woman could walk past us through the narrow passageway that led into the room where the discount racks were held. His touch sent a tremor down my spine, feeling his strong hand perfectly encapsulate the nook of my lower back made me shudder ever so slightly. I wanted the old lady to walk next to us the whole time just so that he wouldn’t have an excuse to let go. Unfortunately, the older woman, who was power walking at the time, already made it to the half-priced suits.
“She was determined,” he leaned down and whispered to me, his breath tickling the edges of my ear. I giggled at his comment and felt my walls weaken even more. Ryan was leaving a stronger mark on me than any other man I had come across, even Eric. And I knew him only a fraction of the time I've known Eric. It excited me, but it also scared me. Someone with this much influence meant they had equal power.
We made our way over to the racks. I watched as Ryan pulled out an absolutely hideous shirt with a bedazzled leopard shining obnoxiously on the back panel. He threw it on over his black shirt and strutted towards me, puffing his chest outward and slicking his hair back, causing it to clump together into perfect Jersey Shore style spikes. I crossed my arms and laughed at the sight of this grown man impersonating a beefy gorilla head. He looked absolutely ridiculous and I admired him for that. Ryan didn’t seem to care what other people thought. It looked like he lived his life to the fullest, regardless of whatever situation he found himself in.
It was a trait that I really gravitated to and it was a one of the traits that Eric had won my heart with. He had always been so carefree and uninhibited when it came to caring what others thought. He wouldn’t change himself because of someone else’s opinion and that sort of confidence turned me on. But now, that kind of confidence was what was twisting my insides. I remembered Courtney’s words and forced myself to forget about Eric for right now.
“Does the bedazzling make my butt look big?” Ryan asked, throwing me out of my darkening thoughts. I looked at him as he thrusted his fine ass towards me. He wiggled it a bit, just to emphasize the bedazzled waves hanging just above his butt.
My laughs took me by surprise. I was comfortable around Courtney and knew her so well already that I was bound to laugh around her. But I wasn’t really expecting to fully enjoy myself with Ryan. Not now.
But here I was, feeling my walls start falling all together.
“I take that as a yes,” he said, pouting as he took off the bedazzled button-down shirt. His undershirt lifted a bit and I caught a glimpse of his sculpted abdomen, the v-cut from a defined six-pack snuck out from under the shirt. He licked his lips again.
Oh jeez.
The air between us felt like it was one lighter away from bursting into a huge ball of sexually charged flames. I watched him move about, his muscles rippled underneath his clothes, stretching at the fabric and beckoning me to pounce on him. I had never felt such a primal lust before. Sure, I saw it all the time on Grey’s Anatomy whenever someone stepped on a damn elevator, but I never thought those feelings were real. And here I was, sensing my whole body begin to ache for him. He looked at me in that moment, and there was something else there. I wanted to think it was the same passion bubbling over inside of him as well but I couldn’t be sure. He just kept his eyes on mine and smiled that perfect smile he loved to use. It had the power to disarm a whole army.