Kevin dropped his sandwich on the tray. “Oh, no. Don’t get mixed up with these rich white boys, Keisha. They’re all looking to fuck a black girl so they can brag to their friends. We’re here to learn, to end up better than our parents.”
I shrugged, taking a bite of a fry. “Doesn’t mean I can't have a little fun.”
I’d never been with anyone outside of my race before; never thought about it. Most of the white boys in our neighborhood spent too much of their time trying to act black instead of being themselves; it wasn’t a turn on for me.
But this boy had a different look to him. I wanted to stare into his eyes up close. I wanted to hear what his voice sounded like. College was about trying new things, right?
I gasped when a hot blond sat next to him, breaking our gaze.
“See? That’s who he wants to be with,” Kevin said.
My half smile dropped. It was a nice thought.
After driving for almost twenty minutes, I pulled into a bar, something I’d never really done before. Alcohol was starting to become a part of my life. Funny, I didn’t start drinking until Wes re-entered my life; another sign he was no good for me.
I grabbed my phone, ignoring Kevin’s millionth call and deleting Wes’s millionth text message. To prevent looking like a drunk, I called Amira. She arrived ten minutes later.
“I didn’t think it was possible, but you look even worse than you did this morning. The guy again?”
I shook my head, taking a sip of my wine. It wasn’t as good as the one Steven had, but it was good enough.
“Nope. Another one.”
“Wow, when did you get so interesting?” she asked as she sat down on the barstool next to me.
“I don’t want to be interesting. I just want to be happy.”
The bartender took her drink order and asked me if I wanted another. I gazed down and frowned.
“No, thanks,” I told him.
I’d always despised drinking. I hated the way it made me feel, I hated not being in control of my actions. My mother drank a lot. I saw what drunkenness looked like, and I didn’t want to look like her any more than I already did.
I pushed my half-full glass away and stared at my friend.
“He broke my heart a long time ago. But I still love him. I can still see us together. But he’s no good. He cheated, he got caught, and he refuses to admit to it. Hearing him confess would break my heart all over again, but at least I’d finally get the truth. I could even see myself forgiving him. But he won't admit anything. I caught him in the
act
, and he still won't budge.”
“Was it just the one time?”
“He says it never happened at all; I don’t even want to think about him doing it more than once.”
“Is that why you’re not into Steven? Because of this other guy?”
I nodded.
“Can you ever see yourself happy without him?” she asked.
I shrugged and reached for my drink again, taking a small sip.
“I cheated once,” Amira said after a pause.
I turned and looked at her wide eyed. She took a long drink of her beer.
“To this day, I couldn’t tell you why. I wasn’t bored in my relationship and our sex life was hot. An interesting man approached me one day… and I just did it. Ruined the best relationship I ever had.”
“Wow.”
“He forgave me, but we broke up about a year later anyway. I had no reason to cheat, and no reason not to. I felt guilty, but not guilty enough to never do it again. But once he forgave me, I made the choice not to do it again. Do you think he would do it again?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so. But I just can't get over it.”
“You should. He’s held power over you all this time, and you two weren’t even together. Even if you don’t get back with him, you need to let it go. And if he someday decides to own up to his mistake and apologize, you can make a rational decision about the next step now that the anger won’t be in the way.”
I smiled. “Thanks, girl.”
Even though Kevin would be my best friend for life, there was nothing like getting advice from another woman.
“You’re welcome. And since it’s your turn to pay for happy hour, I’m ordering another couple of drinks.”
I laughed as she waved down the bartender. She ordered a cocktail, and I went back to my Shirley Temples. Dropping the alcohol was the first step to getting me back on track.
6
I felt afraid to enter my own house. After leaving the bar, I sat out in my car, staring at the illumination coming through the windows of my house. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to Kevin because I knew what he would say. I turned up the radio and sat back. Once the lights in the living room turned off an hour later, I got out of the car and snuck inside, locking myself in my room.
I left for work early the next day to avoid him, but I couldn’t avoid him when I came back home.
He watched me enter the house, arms crossed. “I saw your car outside last night, dummy. I know you’re avoiding me.”
I shrugged. “I don’t need to explain anything to you.”
“Why didn’t you tell me your mother was sick?”
“Because I don’t want to talk about it.”
During high school, Kevin and I always hung out at my house after school ended. Since my mother was never home, we had free range to do whatever we wanted- party, smoke, or whatever. Not that it mattered if she was there or not. She wouldn’t care what we were doing either way.
“Look, I like Ann just as much as you do. But she’s your mother. You don’t want to make a decision you’ll regret. Because if she… dies before you make up your mind, you’ll never have a chance to make things right.”
I scoffed. “I don’t have any obligation to make things right with her; I didn’t do anything wrong!”
My face heated up as I listened to my best friend defend her. He was the first- and only- person I called when I caught Ann and Wes. He saw what it did to me, how devastated I was. He spent just as much time around her than I did. He knew what a shitty person she was. But he was defending her.
I shook my head. “I’m not going to listen to you make me seem like the bad guy. And I don’t want to talk about this. If you’re so worried about easing my mother’s death-bed guilt, you can go fucking see her yourself.”
I dropped my purse and went into the kitchen for a snack. I groaned when I opened the fridge.
“I thought you were going to the store today?”
“I am; I was on-call today and had a job. I’ll head out now.”
“No, don’t worry about it; I need to get out of here anyway.”
I snatched my purse and headed back out. My phone rang when I got in my car. I ignored Steven’s call and left the parking lot. I told him I would call him; he still didn’t get it.
The more time I spent away from him, the more I realized I didn’t miss him. He contributed nothing to my life that I felt like I needed. It was time to contact some of my favorites on my match.com profile.
I sighed as I grabbed a shopping cart. I’d always planned to have a family by now. Grocery shopping for my roommate and I was depressing. I wasn’t buying healthy and nutritious meals for my husband and kids, I was buying frozen dinners and nacho supplies for myself and my roommate. Pushing the cart around was a reminder that my life was ruined. And it was because of my mother.
I hurried through the aisles so I could get back home to mope. I swerved into the bread aisle, gasping when I crashed into another cart, my purse spilling to the floor.
Just as I was about to apologize for my recklessness, I met eyes with the person I ran into.
I rolled my eyes before crossing my arms in front of my chest. “This city isn’t small enough for us to run into each other like this.”
“Swear I’m not following you.” he said in a hushed voice, as if full volume would startle me away prematurely.
Wes crouched down with me and helped me pick up the personal items that fell. I snatched them from his hands and stuffed them in my purse.
He put his hands in his pockets. “How have you been?”
Trying to stop thinking about you.
I shook my head. “Since yesterday? Good. You?”
He shrugged. “Trying to stop thinking about you.”
My lips pouted at our shared misery. Every time a man I dated did anything, I automatically compared them to Wes. Before Wes came back in my life, I was content with my serial dating. But no matter how hard I tried, I could no longer re-create the feeling. Wes had a hold on my mind, and if I couldn’t shake it away, I was never going to be able to have a real relationship.
Seeing him rushed back the hot flashes of lust I’d spent the last few days trying to ignore. But I made a promise to myself: to move on and get my life together, and I needed to honor it.
And the first step towards keeping my promise was to get away from Wes. Replying to what he’d just said would only spark a conversation we didn’t need to have. I waved at him as I went back to my cart.
“Well, bye.”
He made no attempt to stop me as I lurched my cart forward to the next aisle. I headed straight for the register; I didn’t want to be in the same building as him, whether I physically saw him or not. I was just going to have to finish grocery shopping another day.
My phone rang as I waited in line- it was Steven. Again. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? I sighed and picked up the phone.
“Steven.”
“Hey. How are you?”
I rolled my eyes, but kept my voice as calm as possible. “I said I would call you. I just need a few days to myself to figure out what I want. I promise I don’t plan on stringing you along, but just give me this time to myself, please.”
“Okay, okay. I can respect that. I know you won't leave me hanging.”
“Thanks. Bye.”
As I hung up the phone, I didn’t have to look at the figure in my peripheral vision to know that Wes was in the line next to me. I stared straight ahead as I debated just abandoning my groceries at the register and running to my car. But I was next and the woman in front of me didn’t have much.
“Key!” he said as I paid for my food.
I checked out and darted to my car, peeling out of the parking lot like I was being chased.
Kevin came out of his room when I returned home to help me bring in the groceries. We put them away in silence. One of the things I appreciated about him was that he knew when he really needed to leave me be.
My phone vibrated- a message from Wes. Common sense would’ve told me to hit the delete button without reading the message like I’d been doing the last few days, but I decided to look at it anyway.
“Oh, God. Seriously?”
Kevin stopped putting the food away and eyed me, but I paid him no attention. I almost punched the wall when I saw Wes’s message:
I tried to call you in the store. You left your work badge. I can bring it to you if you want.
I needed that damn badge to get into the building the next day. The center wasn’t in the best part of town, so we had a magnetic lock to keep strangers out during non drop-off/pick-up hours. I groaned before replying:
No. I’ll come get it. What’s your address?
My mood was beyond sour by the time I pulled up to his house. As I drove over, I realized that we should’ve met in a public place; I had no business at his house- no matter what the reason. And me at his house was exactly what he wanted. I wasn’t playing his games anymore. He needed to leave me alone.
I pounded on his door after ringing the doorbell, arms crossed as I waited impatiently.
“Hello?” I jumped when his voice chimed from the speaker on the intercom box by the door.
I pressed the talk button and spoke into the microphone. “It’s me. Bring the badge down; I don’t need to come in.”
Seconds later, I heard the lock click on the other side. I opened my mouth to start bitching as soon as he opened the door, but my mouth snapped shut once I saw him.
My tongue dried as I looked him up and down. “T-that’s not how you should answer doors… It’s impolite.”
My eyes locked on the towel that barely wrapped around his hips. It was a very little towel.
Little beads of water delicately dripped down his chest and through the ridges of his defined abs. He was always fit in college, but nothing like this. I was still getting used to the six-pack. He was a gym owner; he had to look the part, after all.
My skin flushed as I glared at the deep cuts in his hips. I bit back a smile. He was ticklish there; I used to love to trail my tongue on those cuts.
I heard his voice and jerked my eyes back to his. “I’m sorry; what did you say?”
One side of his mouth curled into a smile. His eyes darkened as he watched me squirm. “I said I’m sorry, I was upstairs in the bathroom. I didn’t expect you over so early. Come in, I’ll grab your badge.”
He turned and walked away, and I knew I shouldn’t have gone in. But I did. I could have waited by the door. Instead, I followed him as he walked through his foyer and into his kitchen, watching a small bead of water run from his neck, all the way down his spine.
I licked my lips as the droplet disappeared under the tiny towel. He turned to face me, and I diverted my eyes away from him once I spotted a very discernible bulge under the covering. I cleared my throat as I tried to stop the images forming in my head. After all, I was quite familiar with that bulge.
“Would you like a drink?”
“No. No, thanks.”
He was obviously actively involved in the gyms he owned- his body was much larger than I remembered. Our couple of encounters since we re-connected at the wedding didn’t give me any access to much more than his package.
He was huge: his shoulders were broad, chest puffed, and arms swollen. I felt a tugging starting to kindle between my legs as I thought of another huge part of him.
His nipples were perked up from the cool air in the house, and I wondered if the thin layer of hair on his hard chest was as soft as I remembered. Sweat beaded my skin despite the air-conditioned house. He stepped towards me, my nostrils filling with the warm scent of Irish Spring.
I coughed his smell out of my lungs and backed away. As I avoided his eyes, I looked at his adjacent family room and spotted a floral dress crumpled in the corner. I looked between the dress and his naked form.
“Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t realize I was interrupting.”
He followed my gaze and his eyes widened. “Oh, no. It’s not what you think.”
I threw my hands in the air, my heart racing at the thought of running into whoever he was entertaining. “It doesn’t matter what I think. I’m-I’m going to go.”
I shouldn’t be here.
I ran out of his house and sucked in breaths of humid summer air as soon as the breeze hit me.
He grabbed my arm, his lips right next to my ear as he spoke gruffly. “Listen to me. It’s not what you think.”
“But-”
“I have a friend staying with me until she gets on her feet. She’s messy. Nothing more. Now, come have a drink with me. I’ll make you one of my chocolate shakes.”
My eyes narrowed. “I’m not going to have a drink with you. I know what you did. I know you wanted me here.”
“I tried to catch your attention in the store, but you ignored me.”
“You know damn well you could’ve tried harder; you could’ve gotten my attention if you wanted to.”
His hands dropped to his side. “I didn’t want to cause a scene. Come in, I know you miss my shakes.”
If there was one way to get me back inside of his house, that was definitely it. Chocolate shakes were my weakness, and he made the best ones I’d ever had.
“Fine. Just one. And then I have to get home.”
I chuckled as I passed the dress again. A friend. Yeah, right. But what did I expect? I was seeing other people. And why did I care? I was supposed to be getting over him, anyway.
I followed him back into the kitchen. I sat on a stool at his island countertop, my palms clammy while I watched his muscles flex as he glided around the room. The chain he kept around his neck dangled lightly in the silent room, my ring right over his heart.
“I changed the recipe a bit- a healthier version. Do you mind?”
I shook my head and he started the blender. “Work your magic.”
He slid the drink in front of me and leaned over the counter, eyeing me darkly as I took my first few sips.
“How is it?”
I smiled as the creamy wetness cascaded down my throat. “Just as good as I remember. Maybe even better. Thanks.”
In college, each dorm building had a shared kitchen in the basement. Whenever I’d come to his room after arguing with my mother, he’d cheer me up with a shake. It was my ultimate comfort food, and I needed it now just as much as I did in college.
Wes leaned against the kitchen counter and smiled at my reaction. I diverted my eyes away from him and drank faster. Time for the reminiscing to end; I needed to get out of his house.
I took a large gulp of the drink. I wanted to savor the taste, but I didn’t want to linger around him and his half-naked body for much longer.
“So, how’s your girlfriend?”
“Fine,” I said, watching the milkshake decrease as I drank it through the straw.
“And how have you been?”
I shrugged, rubbing my eyes in agitation. I really didn’t want to have a conversation with him.
“I’m good. I’m wonderful, actually.”
“Did you tell your girlfriend you’re having second thoughts? Seems like you still enjoy my dick an awful lot.”