Private Parts (54 page)

Another scene deemed too offensive was Handicapped Beat the Clock, where a paraplegic took on a one-legged man in an obstacle course.

"No, I think you covered it all," she said.

"That was a lot of groveling. That's not easy for me to do," I said. Just then, Gary came into the studio. It seemed that there were a couple of callers who were very angry about my cancer prayer.

My father called me that night. "Howard, you've gone too far."

My radio bosses were very upset over my comments. But I swear to you, I didn't mean anything by it. Many times in my life I've wished other people dead. This was just a more creative way to say it.

Besides, why wasn't I allowed to have a tantrum? Why couldn't I act like a two-year-old? You have to admire that I'm not a phony.

A lot of angry callers made their way onto the air:

"So you want people to suffer through cancer?"

"Yes," I said.

"Why don't you just vote 'em out of office," the caller suggested.

"I can't vote the members of the FCC out of office," I explained.

"So then work through the laws."

"I can't pray to Jesus? You have never said, T hope someone dies'?" I asked him. "Do you think the guy's really gonna get cancer by me praying for it? Why don't you go cross the path of a black cat?

434

See what happens. Walk under a ladder. Like Jesus is listening to my stupid prayer.
'Oh, I got to work on that right now. I'll forget about Somalia right now and I'll go over and take care of Howard's problem.'
Jesus is busy."

"You don't even have his number, do you?" Robin asked.

"Actually, I do, that's the funny thing. It's 1-500-52-STERN. It's the same number to order my tape,
Butt Bongo Fiesta,
as a matter of fact. But forget it. Who cares? It's so silly. It's like saying Casper the Ghost is real."

"I always love it when people get upset when you make those pleas," Robin said.

"I'm talking to Jesus privately and everyone's gotta comment on it. Do I comment on what they pray to Jesus for?" I asked. "Did anybody ever pray for a house to live in? Well, that's what I'm doing. I'm praying to Jesus that he gives cancer to the guy who's trying to end my career, so I can keep my house. That's all."

And you guys must think I'm pretty powerful, that Jesus is gonna answer my wish. I don't think he's gonna pay attention, personally. Maybe I should read my Christmas list while I'm at it, in case Santa's listening, too.

Well, Jesus never listened to me.

Sikes recovered, retired, and is still running around blabbing about me. It's the only way anyone will interview him.

Now there's another FCC commissioner and he seems to have a real appreciation for my art:

Speaking to the Michigan Association of Broadcasters, FCC commissioner James Quello said, "I wouldn't be a bit surprised if someday a lightning bolt comes out of the sky and hits him right in the crotch." How dignified, how eloquent. How I would love it if anything hit my crotch at this point.

But this guy Quello is a bit confused. I believe he secretly loves me, too. He confessed to Jill Brooke from the
New York Post:
"I'm almost ashamed to say it, I find him tremendously funny. He's a very entertaining smart-ass." But that's just it. None of this makes any sense. He says he's ashamed to admit that he enjoys me. Why is there so much shame in this country? Why are we so afraid to say what we like and to talk about sex? What happens to a man when he hears the words
breasts
and
vaginal
Will it turn him into an ax murderer?

There are thousands of broadcasters talking about sex
every day.

In fact, there are thousands of people
having
sex, but out of all those people, when I talk about sex, people get nuts. No one in the history of broadcasting has ever been threatened with fines close to a million dollars because he found Aunt Jemima sexy. No one, until me, that is.

But I do have my supporters, I must say. And I applaud their bravery. Because you've got to be brave to stick up for me. Ed Koch, the best mayor New York has ever had, a workaholic who tirelessly gave to this city, had this to say about me:

For the FCC to try to limit and turn you off is an outrage. It is more than an abuse of power. It is hypocrisy at its worst.

One of my biggest supporters through all my tribulations with the FCC was our great U.S. senator from New York, Alfonse M. D'Amato:

Dear Chairman Sikes:

I am deeply concerned by the Commission's contemplated actions against radio personality Howard Stern.

I therefore urge the Commission to reject these narrow-minded calls for

punitive actions against Mr. Stern, to stand up for common sense, and to preserve our constitutionally guaranteed freedoms.

Sincerely,

Alfonse M. D'Amato

United States Senator

But very few people have come foward to defend me. The reason they don't is because most people don't think that this censorship thing is for real. The FCC is trying to scare radio stations away from working with me. They've put a chill in the air by making an example out of me. I had hoped Bill Clinton would see the lunacy in all this, but to date I've seen no letup in this ridiculous crusade against freedom of speech.

All the religious nuts and zealots will continue to talk about the corruption of our children and will continue to receive huge donations to help get me off the air -- all the while knowing that this is a bullshit issue.

"As a person, as a style, he's not the kind of thing I normally listen to. But the question of his right to speak and his right to say the things he's saying, I think I would have to defend that even if I didn't like what he was saying." -- Mario Cuomo Governor, New York State

But they won't stop me. 'Cause I've been through it all. Major mental illness, limited IQ, a small penis, and the jungles of Vietnam. It's funny, but sometimes I look back on my life and I remember the times I was a little kid, thrilled to have a holiday and to have a chance to drive to work with my dad. I remember him tuning the radio, going from station to station, trying to find a voice that could make that horrid commute a little more tolerable. And I remember how much I wished that someday one of those voices would be mine.

I've become one of those voices now, despite the fact that everyone said I'd never make it, that I needed something to fall back on, and that I should "shut up and sit down, you moron," as my father mercilessly said to me for most of my life. All my life the thing that drove me the most was probably trying

to find a way to please my father. He was very tough on me, and I really wanted him to think I was great.

A couple of years ago my father said, "Howard, I still go from station to station when I'm driving in the car and since you've been on the air, I've noticed a real change in the parameters of all those other guys. You've really opened some doors. Suddenly, you're hearing things you never heard, words that people never used. And it's good radio." Then out of the blue, he shockingly said, "Howard, you're a genius." He was right. Finally, he knew the truth. It took me thirty-some-odd years of saying stupid things on the radio to get my father to give me one big compliment. And I mean a BIG compliment. My father doesn't throw that word around easily.

I savored the moment.

"Hey, Dad. Let me clarify that. Next to the guy who invented the polio vaccine, how much of a genius am I?"

"Shut up and sit down, you moron," he said.

"Howard Stern may play 'butt bongo' on the radio, but Washington regulators are ready to spank the syndicated radio personality for real. If they do, the Federal Communications Commission will only succeed in making Stern the nation's latest First Amendment poster boy. They should leave him alone."
-- Emil Guillermo,

USA Today,

December 10,
1992

AFTERWORD

A PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE

Based
on Howard Stern's PRIVAT PARTS by Sheenah Hankin and Richard Wessler, Ph.D.

Cognitive Psychotherapy Associates

New York, New York

Howard Stern's autobiographical book reveals a clear clinical profile of his personality.

HE DESCRIBES HIMSELF AS AN
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE,
WHICH IS CONSISTENT WITH THE FOLLOWING TRAITS:

* He insists that others submit to his ways, using any and all tactics of verbal persuasion -- from charm and ingratiation, to inducing sympathy, to persistent begging and complaining of unfair treatment. When these methods fail, he resorts to bullying tactics, including public humiliation and denigration.

* He demonstrates excessive devotion to work and productivity, to the point of excluding his family and forgoing leisure activities.

* His displays of affection are highly restricted. He claims to love his wife but cites no examples of open affection toward her. His standard description of their sex life consists of either complaints about its infrequency and her lack of interest or mentions of quick encounters in which foreplay that arouses her is deemed burdensome. He seems content simply to satisfy her with a vibrator, which saves him the time, energy, and effort of lovemaking.

*He constantly claims to be scrupulously conscientious about ethical values governing this subject, but he expresses these by observing the letter of the law rather than its spirit. He voyeuristically examines women as they strip naked for him, and comments on the size of their breasts and presence or absence of pubic hair. He'll use any number of questionable ruses as an excuse to proceed further and fondle the women. Hence, he adheres to standards of marital fidelity in a narrow technical sense, and therefore feels both above criticism and justified in criticizing less faithful persons, whom he demeans by way of congratulating himself and assuaging his guilt. At the same time he gratifies his own self-centered sexual urges. It is acceptable to be rubbed all over by sexy women and to caress naked bodies for his own satisfaction. This, he claims, is
not infidelity
simply because he says it isn't. After all, he doesn't actually penetrate the women.

STERN IS ALSO PRONE TO STRONG
NARCISSISTIC
TENDENCIES:

* He views as unreasonable anyone who disagrees with his strongly self-defined perspectives on life, and these people become the targets of his scorn, including listeners who call in to his show or his wife.

* He is interpersonally exploitive, especially with women, taking advantage of them to achieve his own ends. He uses the power of his fame as a means to fulfill his predominantly adolescent, self-centered sexual fantasies, and feels no guilt about this.

* He requires constant attention and admiration. His radio team, his basic support system, provides these for him.

* He lacks a sense of empathy. Either he does not know how others feel, or if he does, he rarely demonstrates concern for their feelings.

* Sexually, he is self-sufficient; he seems to enjoy masturbation rather than intercourse, which requires attention to the needs of a partner. His preoccupation with lesbians allows him to receive a

great deal of sexual stimulation without having any obligation to return sexual favors. This is an avenue that allows him to focus solely on his own gratification. He can speak about how effectively he can satisfy a woman and grandiosely praise his sexual skills without ever having to demonstrate them on anyone except himself.

ANOTHER SET OF PROMINENT TRAITS MAY BE LABELED
HISTRIONIC:

* He is self-centered and uncomfortable in situations in which he is not the center of attention.

* He is seductive in his behavior, interjecting sexual questions and references into nearly every conversation.

* He is overly concerned about physical appearance, and although he is self-deprecating about his large nose and small penis, he is vain about his hair and other matters of grooming. He frequently comments on the appearance of others, particularly women.

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
TENDENCIES MAKE UP YET ANOTHER PART OF STERN'S PROFILE:

* He is argumentative and uncooperative when asked to do what he doesn't want to do.

* He protests that others make unreasonable demands on him.

* He unreasonably criticizes people in positions of authority, especially radio executives, members of the FCC, and others who attempt to set limits on him and regulate his behavior. It was this behavior pattern that got him fired from his "dream job" at WNBC. He seems genuinely baffled by this firing.

Popularity as a radio personality has led him to have feelings of invincibility. He feels that he can do no wrong, and no one can stop him from doing whatever he wishes. Too much success can prompt self-defeating tendencies, which is exactly what happened to Stern. He fell victim to a false sense of psychological security and in turn was overcome by a self-defeating maneuver motivated by factors he was not and is not aware of.

It isn't difficult to understand how he evolved into the person he is. His mother has always been obsessively clean, overly fastidious, and extremely eager to please. Howard became a health fanatic and germ phobic who frequently refers to
smells,
drinks only from paper cups, and engages in the kinds of sexual play with women (aside from his wife, whom he views as "safe") that preclude any risk of dirt and infections that could result from actual vaginal penetration.

His father has always engaged in verbal put-downs. He calls Howard a moron, and now Howard refers to others in the same manner. He learned from his father the sense of power that comes from demeaning and humiliating people. He enjoys having power over people, and is highly amused by the suffering of others, including the diseased and dying, and cruelly jokes about their misfortunes. His craving for power can also be seen through his interest in bondage and mild forms of torture.