Promise Me Light (14 page)

“Oh, hell,” Cash whispered from behind me.

I flinched, hearing the distress in his voice.

“Cash, go get me some rags and clean water,” Janice demanded, her
eyes never leaving Ryder.

Cash raced out of the room but I couldn’t tear my gaze from Ryder.
He was lifeless, nothing like the man that left months ago. I was afraid
with each drop of blood, his life faded more. He was leaving me one drop
at a time.

“Maddie, you know where the first aid kit is?” Janice asked,
glancing at me.

I nodded, struggling to focus on her.

“Good. Go get it.”

I hurried out of the room, forcing my legs to run. I told myself to
be strong. For him. For our baby.

In the bathroom I flung open the linen closet door, ignoring the
blood I left on the handle. My gaze swept over the contents frantically,
searching for the large container that held our medical supplies.
Where is it? Where the hell is it?

My eyes landed on a clear box at the bottom of the closet. This was
it - all we had left of our medical supplies. It wasn’t much but it
might save Ryder’s life.

Within seconds, I was back in the bedroom, the container in my
arms.

“I need the stethoscope,” Janice said as I sat the container on
the foot of the bed.

I quickly handed it to her. Swallowing hard, my eyes drifted down to
Ryder, afraid of what I would find but unable to look elsewhere.

His face was layered with blood, cuts, and bruises. A full beard
covered the lower half of his face, hiding some of the cuts and bruises.
His cheeks and jaw hadn’t seen a razor since he left, making him
almost unrecognizable.

I watched as his chest rose and fell slowly. Too slowly. I wanted to
reach out and touch him but I was afraid. Afraid I would hurt him.
Afraid that if I touched him, he would disappear.

Cash rushed back into the room, his arms loaded down with towels and
a bucket of water. He sat the towels on the bed and put the bucket near
Gavin. Gavin grabbed a towel and pressed it to Ryder’s wound,
staunching the blood.

I watched as Janice worked frantically. Her body brushed up against
my side, reminding me that I was probably in the way but I couldn’t
move. I needed to be near him.

The room grew quieter as she listened to his heart and lungs. I saw
her glance up at Gavin, the expression on her face grave.

“Maddie, you should leave,” she said, demanding rather than
suggesting.

I shook my head no, refusing to move. I wasn’t going anywhere. For
months I had waited for Ryder to return. I wasn’t going to walk away
now that he was finally home.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Gavin glance at Cash, nodding his
head my direction.

Cash crossed the room to me. “Let’s wait outside, Maddie. Let
them do what they do best.”

“I’m not leaving.”

Before Cash could argue, Eva walked in, followed by Ryder’s dad,
Roger. The look on his face was one I had never seen before. Terror for
his son carved grooves into his tough skin, making him appear much
older.

Eva gasped loudly when she saw Ryder. She covered her mouth, stifling
another gasp when she saw all the blood.

“What…how did he get here?” Roger stammered. “How bad is
he?”

“No time for questions, Dad,” Gavin said, grabbing another clean
towel.

As Janice worked over Ryder, I watched through tears. With each
breath he took, I held my breath, afraid it would be his last.

I reached out my hand.
I have to touch him again. I
need to feel him.
My fingers brushed against his pant’s legs. I
felt grime beneath my fingertips. He was dirty, his clothes nothing but
filth. I kept my hand on his calf, letting him know that I was here. I
would always be here.

I watched as he forced his eyes open. Blood capillaries had burst in
the whites of them, making them look bloodshot. His face contorted in
pain and he started coughing, sounding like he was struggling to
breathe.

I let out a cry and tried to lean over him but Janice pushed me out
of the way, shoving me into Eva. “Cash, get her out of here!” Janice
shouted.

When Cash grabbed my arm and started dragging me away, I became
frantic. Scared.

“NO!” I screeched, fighting him. My broken fingernails scratched
the top of his hand, leaving behind marks.

“Let them do their job, Maddie,” he said calmly, pulling me
toward the door.

Damn him for always being so calm! Ryder might be
dying!

“I’m staying!” I argued, jerking out of his hands and planting
my feet firmly.
They’ll have to knock me out to get me
outta here!

Gavin glanced at me, sparing me only a quick glance before applying
more pressure on Ryder’s bullet wound. “Let her stay. Ryder will
want her here if he wakes up,” he said.

Cash took a step back, giving me space.

I lost no time returning to the end of the bed. Ryder had slipped
back into unconsciousness but he was still bleeding. My eyes moved from
his face down his body, taking in every inch of him. His hiking boots
caught my attention. They were the same boots he had worn when he left.
The shoelaces were missing from one. The other had half a sole gone. I
remembered watching him step over downed branches and limbs the day he
took me hunting. He had worn the same boots. And when he had approached
me in his bedroom, stalking me in the dark, those boots had been on his
feet. They had sat beside the bed as we made love, forgotten as he had
made my body hum with desire. Now here they were, in front of me again.
Inches away from where his child rested within me.

I closed my eyes. Tears squeezed past my eyelashes, leaving trails as
they streamed down my cheeks.
I don’t know if I can do
this.

“Eva, get over here,” Janice snapped, the stress in her voice
forcing my eyes open. “Help Gavin.”

Eva grabbed a rag and started wiping the blood away from Ryder’s
side. It seemed he would never stop bleeding.
He’s
losing too much.

The room looked like something out of a horror movie. Janice was
yelling, Gavin was working frantically to stop the bleeding, and I was
standing at the foot of the bed, watching everything happen in slow
motion.

Ryder suddenly started moaning and thrashing around, causing the
blood to flow faster. I covered my mouth to stifle the sobs, watching as
pain racked his body.

Janice fought to hold him down as she pulled the dirty bandage away
from his skin. Greenish discharge stuck to the material and on his skin.
A thick dark substance covered the wound. It looked like dried mud.

“He packed it for protection,” Gavin said. “It’s an old
gunshot wound.”

“It’s infected,” Janice mumbled. Then her voice boomed with
authority. “Cash, get over here.” Thirty years as an ER nurse gave
her the right to bark orders and demand action.

Cash was beside her in seconds, waiting for her instructions.

“Hold him down.”

He placed his hands on Ryder’s shoulders, pushing him into the
mattress.

Janice picked up a bottle of saline solution from the first aid kit.
“Hold him tight,” she ordered Cash.

She took a visible deep breath and then poured the clear liquid on
the older wound. As soon as the cold liquid hit his skin, Ryder roared
with pain. The sound hurt my ears and my heart, almost doubling me
over.

He struggled to sit up and fight whoever was torturing him but Cash
held him down, using all of his strength.

Beneath the dirty hair and matted beard, I saw Ryder’s agony. It
tore at my insides, his howls of pain echoing through my mind.

“You still with us, Maddie?” Gavin asked, pressing down on
Ryder’s wound.

I nodded as tears raced down my face.

“You’re not gonna pass out are you?” he asked.

I looked down at his hands. They were completely red, stained with
Ryder’s blood.

“I’m okay,” I forced out, determined to be strong. I wasn’t
leaving Ryder’s side.
I could do this.

When Ryder fell unconsciousness again, Janice rushed past me to the
other side of the bed. She pushed Gavin out of the way and removed the
towel covering Ryder’s side.

“Another gun shot,” she said. “Damn, he was shot twice.”

I saw the pain on Janice’s face and knew she was barely holding it
together. He was no longer a patient; he was her son lying there
hurt.

“Let’s turn him over,” she said.

Cash and Gavin gently turned Ryder onto his side, causing him to moan
with pain.

“Oh, Ryder!” Janice exclaimed softly, standing shock still as she
stared at his back. “My baby.”

Before my eyes, she became a mother worried about her child, not just
a nurse taking care of a patient. Her slim hand reached up and pushed
Ryder’s long hair away from his forehead tenderly.

“He was always the rebel. Always trying to prove himself. I’ve
told him so many times not to get into trouble. To mind his own
business. He’s so much like her,” she muttered.

My tears dried up as her words repeated in my head.
He’s so much like her? Who’s her?

“Mom, what are you talking about?” Gavin asked, growing
still.

Janice glanced up at him, realization on her face. It was obvious
that what she said was a slip of the tongue. Wiping her forehead with
the back of her hand, she cleared her throat and glanced at her husband
with worry.

“Later, Gavin,” Roger said in a gruff voice, shifting to his
other foot in the doorway.

Gavin opened his mouth to argue but Janice cut him off. “Let’s
take care of your brother,” she said, back to being the take-charge
nurse. Leaning over, she ran her hands over Ryder’s back, feeling
along his side. “No exit wound. That means the bullet is still in
him.”

From the first aid kit, Janice withdrew a sealed bag holding
sterilized surgical tweezers. After tucking a towel under Ryder’s
side, she poured alcohol over her hands in order to clean them. Next she
opened the bag and removed the tweezers, careful not to let the
sterilized instrument touch anything else.

“I’m going to have to search for the bullet. It’s going to hurt
like a sonofabitch so hold him tight boys,” she instructed Ryder and
Cash.

With a steady hand, Janice inserted the tip of the tweezers into
Ryder’s side. He started screaming in pain, sounds I had never heard
him make before. I wanted to cover my ears but I couldn’t. I needed to
hear him. I needed to know he was still alive and breathing.

Ryder started jerking one way and then the other, trying to get away
from the pain. His arms flung around and he bent and unbent his knees as
if he was trying to escape the pain. Gavin and Cash held him down,
pushing him into the mattress to keep him immobile.

I closed my eyes, not wanting to see him suffer. His screaming went
on and on, striking me like a poison laced dart over and over. Tears ran
faster down my cheeks.
When would it end? I can’t
listen to him like this.
If the bullet was in too deep, Janice
wouldn’t be able to reach it. Without a doctor or hospital, he could
die in his own childhood bed. The thought wouldn’t leave my mind.

I covered my mouth with my hand, holding back a cry as his terrible
screams went on and on. I couldn’t walk away but I didn’t want to
listen anymore. If I lost him, the man I loved and the father of my
baby, my life would end.

Suddenly, the screams stopped. I opened my eyes, terrified of what I
would find.

Ryder lay pale and unmoving. For a second I was paralyzed, fearing he
was dead. But then I saw his chest rise and fall.
Rise.
Fall. Pause. Rise. Fall. Pause.

Janice’s tears landed on Ryder and mixed with his blood as she
continued to search for the bullet. Gavin wiped the blood away, his
large hands gentle. Janice was as steady as a rock as she dug for the
lost piece of metal. How she stayed so perfectly still, not letting her
hands shake, I don’t know.

We all held our breaths. No one spoke. No one moved except Janice.
Eva gave me a desolate look. Only she would know how much of a mess I
was right at that moment, how I was barely holding it together. Roger
stood in the corner of the room, fidgeting as he waited for some sign
that his son was going to be okay.

As I waited, memories rushed back to me, like an old time movie
playing silently across a screen. Ryder and me playing together as kids.
Hanging out as teenagers. Dancing close on the dance floor. Making love
in the middle of the night. Every moment was etched forever in my mind.
I remembered every detail, every touch, every time he looked at me.
Every fight we had, every smile he gave me. It was all there, never
disappearing.

When Janice withdrew the bullet, I let out a shaky breath. My body
seemed to lose all substance. I held onto the bed frame, fighting the
urge to drop to my knees with relief. He wasn’t out of the woods yet,
but at least Janice had found the bullet and removed it.

It was now only a misshapen piece of metal, looking more like a small
lump of steel than a bullet. Janice laid it on the bed and immediately
pressed a towel to the wound as some blood ran down Ryder’s side.

I saw her glance at Gavin with hopelessness. I knew something was
wrong but I was afraid to ask. My mind went crazy as I thought of all
that could go wrong.
The bullet might have nicked an
organ or a major artery. He could be dying right now, right in front of
my eyes.

“Damn it, Cash, go get her something to sit on,” Gavin barked
out, glancing at me as he dropped another bloody towel on the floor.
“If you’re gonna be so goddamn stubborn, Maddie, you might as well
sit down before you fall down.”

When I met his eyes, I saw fright overtake the hardness that had
taken up residence there lately. I knew instantly that he was scared.
Ryder’s not going to make it.
It was written
all over Gavin’s face. I looked away, refusing to believe something so
terrible.