Authors: Stella Whitelaw
‘I’ve told you before,’ said Jessica, containing her
exasperation
. ‘You simply mustn’t do that. A dislocation is a painful event. During the three months healing period, thick layer tissue is forming round the new hip, and this tissue is helping to keep the hip in place.’
‘I thought it was screwed in,’ said Lady Grace with a grimace.
‘They use a plate and screw if there’s a major fracture. There’s lots of different methods. I believe your stem was cemented in. A press-fit stem is hammered in and tends to be used for
younger patients as their bone is less likely to fracture in the procedure. A cemented stem doesn’t last quite as long, but long enough for you.’
‘Good heavens. Cement? I wasn’t told it would be cement.’
‘It’s orthopaedic cement. Not the road works stuff.’
‘Indeed I should hope not. But I’m not sure if they got it right. One leg seems to be shorter than the other.’ She peered down at her feet. She was wearing sensible flat shoes with cushioned soles, and hated them intensely. Her wardrobe was full of smart court shoes in every colour and style which she wanted to
continue
to wear.
Jessica tried not to sigh. Nearly all hip patients had this worry. At some time they seemed to think their legs were not a matching length.
‘Now that is something the surgeon is very careful about, but it’s not as simple as you might think. Your real leg length might be different to the apparent leg length,’ said Jessica, seeing that this was an explanation that could take hours. Leg length was obviously going to be Lady Grace’s newest complaint. It made a change from everything else she complained about.
‘They don’t feel equal,’ said Lady Grace. ‘And they certainly don’t look equal.’ She wriggled her feet slightly, trying to judge a comparison.
‘It all depends on whether the pelvis is level or tilted. That can make a difference as to how your legs feel and look. It’s very confusing. Be assured, the surgeon made precise measurements and did his best to get it right.’
‘His best might not be enough. I’m not at all happy. The operated leg feels shorter.’
‘Then you must mention it to your surgeon at your next appointment. Most patients can tolerate a tiny difference, perhaps a centimetre, that’s a fraction more than a quarter of an inch. It’s a small price for getting rid of the pain.’
‘I certainly shan’t tolerate it,’ said Lady Grace emphatically. ‘I can tell you that. Please phone my consultant this morning and ask for an immediate appointment. I insist on seeing him.’
‘If you say so, Lady Grace. But it really isn’t something to worry about.’
‘I’ll worry about what I want to worry about, young lady. It’s my leg. Make that phone call now.’
Jessica escaped from the bedroom, leaning against the door outside, getting her breath back. No wonder employees at Upton Hall rarely stayed long with the Coleman family, whatever status, nurse or nanny. Lucas was lucky to keep Mrs Harris. The good woman had her own reasons, and loving someone for years was always the best reason in the world.
This was a slight dilemma. An imagined difference in leg length was not exactly an emergency. Jessica would not hesitate to phone the surgeon’s office if it was something like a
dislocation
or a clot. That would be an emergency. She couldn’t phone Lucas. He would not appreciate a call about leg length.
Caffeine might provide an alternative answer. She went into the kitchen and made herself a black coffee. She had the room to herself and stood by the Aga, warming her hands. So many hospital staff rooms had been icy, the chilliest room in a big building. She remembered pacing with her hands tucked under her armpits, trying to bring her fingers back to life after a long night shift. She remembered Fraser finding her there and warming her hands for her.
She thought he had been sent from heaven. An angel in green theatre gear.
Fraser had been her life for two years. She had been young and inexperienced, new to everything. It had been so easy to fall in love with Fraser. He was ruggedly handsome, tall and fair, Sir Lancelot material without the horse. He made her heart thud, her senses reel. His lips were lingering and passionate. She drank in the scent of his masculinity, expecting this
happiness
to last the rest of her life.
But it didn’t happen. She shut her mind to the evening when he humiliated her in front of all her friends and colleagues. For a moment she hung onto the back of a kitchen chair to steady herself. The memory was so vivid. She swam to the surface.
‘Swimming,’ said Jessica to herself. It was not the perfect answer but it would help. Swimming was the best exercise for a hip replacement and Lady Grace might feel more equal leg-wise after a few swims.
But Lady Grace wouldn’t go to a public pool that was for sure. Both Brighton and Littlehampton had excellent swimming facilities. Mrs Harris had said Lady Grace once swam in the sea off Brighton, so she must have enjoyed swimming once.
Jessica wanted to take both children swimming too. She had a gut feeling that Daniel would love the water. It might give him another sense of freedom, a world of his own without talking. And roly-poly Lily would benefit from more active exercise. As long as she did not insist that Floppy Ears had to learn to swim.
Mrs Harris had left the local newspaper open on the kitchen table. It was a good balance of local news stories and advertisements. But it was the advertisements that drew Jessica. Her agile mind was already juggling with words. She thought of the film,
Desperately Seeking Susan
. Would an item headed Desperately Seeking Water do the trick? She pulled a pen and pad towards her and began to play with words.
The day flew by but still no sign of Lucas. Jessica went around in a state of permanent anxiety. She was fielding awkward
questions
about appointments from Lady Grace without actually telling a lie.
The evening was melting into darkness before she heard the sound of his Porsche Boxster coming into the drive. He had been gone almost twenty-four hours. He came into the house, dishevelled and rubbing the dark stubble on his chin.
Jessica flew to him. She could not stop herself. For a few seconds, he was hers alone. They stood together and he rested his head against hers in complete exhaustion. Jessica was silent with delight, a fine flame running under her skin. Then both the children arrived and even Lady Grace hobbled into the hall. They moved apart, unsteadily.
‘How’s Maggie?’
‘She’s all right,’ he said, wearily. ‘We saved her. But we nearly lost her.’
‘Thank goodness. I knew you would save her. I knew she would come through. You must be so relieved.’
‘It was a fight. Touch and go. At one point, we thought—’
Lady Grace pushed herself forward on Fred, interrupting. ‘I’ve been trying to phone you all day, Lucas. Your phone must be out of order. I couldn’t get an answer.’
‘I switched my phone off, Mother. They are not allowed in the operating theatre. I had major surgery in my own theatre, and was supervising my senior registrar in the theatre next door. And when I had a moment, I popped into theatre three to help out with the odd minor procedure. Hardly time for social phone calls.’
His voice was cold, distant, without feeling.
‘Not even from your own mother?’
‘Not unless you had fallen down the stairs.’
‘I could hardly call you if I had fallen down the stairs,’ Lady Grace said curtly. ‘That’s obvious.’
‘But the angelic Jessica would have called the main
switchboard
and they would have got a message through to me. Though by that time, knowing how efficient she is, Jessica would have you in an ambulance taking you to the Royal Sussex in the fast lane.’
‘Daddy, Daddy, I think Floppy Ears will have to have an operation,’ said Lily, holding up sick rabbit. He did look pretty sick after the frantic day he’d had.
‘Oh dear, that’s very serious. Shall I have a look at him after I’ve had some supper? Meanwhile keep him warm and sedated.’
‘Seat-dated.’
Lily rushed off to wrap Floppy Ears in numerous blankets and shawls. She thought sedated meant sit him in a chair near a calendar. He sat, propped up, for the rest of the evening, exhausted by all the fuss.
‘One of my legs is definitely shorter than the other, Lucas,’ Lady Grace said, trying again to catch her son’s attention. ‘I
insist on seeing my consultant immediately.’
‘If you say so, Mother,’ he said, his voice as dry as sandpaper. ‘I will make an appointment for you tomorrow. Now, I should like some peace and quiet.’
Lucas stood still and quiet. He was ready to drop, drained by the day.
Daniel had not said a word in all this. But now he came up to his father, serious and confiding. ‘Peace and quiet,’ he said in agreement.
‘That’s it, Son,’ said Lucas, smiling at him. ‘At least you understand.’
‘It’s not good enough,’ said Lady Grace.
‘Tomorrow,’ he said firmly.
Lucas went into the sitting room, taking off his coat,
dropping
it onto the floor. He threw himself down onto the sofa with a groan, stretching out his long legs. Jessica saw how tired he was and, without a word, knelt down to take off his shoes. His socks were damp with green sweat from the theatre boots. She took them off too, and began to massage his feet with firm and gentle movements.
She could look at his face, drink in all his features, print them on her mind. His eyes were closed and those absurdly long lashes fluttered on his cheeks. His mouth was lightly parted and she glimpsed the white of his teeth as he breathed out. Any moment now he would be asleep.
She lifted his legs up onto the sofa and he settled into a more comfortable position. Her hand brushed the roughness of his chin as she shifted a cushion under his head. The temptation to touch him was almost too strong. She wanted to kiss his
love-soft
face, to breathe in his breath, lay her head on his chest and listen to that strong heart beating.
There was a fleecy throw on one of the chairs and she covered his bare feet with it. Jessica stood back as daylight
flickered
and faded from the room. She switched on a nearby lamp and left him in the rosy gloom. The moment was too precious to lose. If she stayed a moment longer, she would have knelt by
him again and whispered three words into his ear.
She realized that she did love him. It was a strong, passionate feeling that swept aside all previous doubts. But she could not tell him. She would never be able to tell him.
That would not have been wise. Even if he couldn’t hear.
Jessica never heard Lucas crawl into his own bed, somehow remembering the way to the stables. He disappeared from the couch, only a dent in the cushion to remind her of his presence.
The children had long gone to bed, including the now
mortally
sick rabbit, so she let Mrs Harris go home.
‘I can do myself some supper and a snack for Lucas if he wants it,’ she said. ‘There’s no need for you to stay.’
‘If you don’t mind, miss. There’s a programme I’d like to watch on the telly.’
Lady Grace was climbing the stairs quite well, although Jessica always made sure she was close at hand. Her ladyship was in a better mood now that an appointment was promised.
‘My son knows best, you see,’ she said. ‘You don’t know anything.’
‘That’s why he’s a surgeon and I’m a nurse,’ said Jessica.
‘I think I’ll read for a bit. Hot milk at nine o’clock, please. This is quite a good book. I’m surprised that you found such a good writer. Perhaps you’ll remember the author’s name for the future.’
‘I certainly will. I’ve read all of his books,’ said Jessica, as she closed the door. She leaned against it for a moment. She was learning to maintain a calm composure in the face of all verbal assaults.
It was warm and cosy in the kitchen. She dragged the old rocking chair closer to the Aga, and settled herself with an egg,
tomato and lettuce sandwich. This was her peace and quiet. Somewhere warm with a book and a sandwich. She seemed to live on sandwiches. The warmth spread through her and all the worries of the day faded. Lucas was safely home and that was all that mattered. He was here, somewhere, sleeping alone in his room in the stables. A room which she had never seen.
He had not mentioned this ill-planned marriage
arrangement
again. Maybe he had accepted her decision. She regretted nothing. Marriage was for two people deeply in love, who could not bear to be separated, who were twinned together in mind even when they were miles apart.
But she had to let him go. Lucas should go back to his medical environment and find a suitable woman to love. Perhaps another surgeon would set him afire. A woman who was perfect in every way, mind and body and soul.
Jessica let the book fall to the floor. She could not stop the tears coming. The thought of Lucas making love to another woman was shattering. She entered a world of excruciating pain. The night air was deep in dust and grit. She wanted to feel his hard body against her but it could not happen. She had to isolate herself from the situation Lucas had created.
‘Guess what, everyone? We are going on a secret drive today, a mystery tour,’ she announced at breakfast. It was the
announcement
of the day. ‘All of us. Lady Grace as well if she wants to come.’
‘A secret drive, how lovely!’ said Lily, munching her way through a bowl of muesli with nuts and sliced banana. ‘Where are we going?’
‘It wouldn’t be a secret if Jessica told you, would it?’ said Lucas, sauntering into the kitchen. Jessica wondered if his hair ever saw a brush or a comb. But he had showered and the dark hair was glistening wet. He smelled of a sharp after-shave. He had also changed his clothes, was wearing ancient blue jeans and a white T-shirt. What did it matter? He’d be in greens in the theatre. ‘What about school? Is it half-term already?’
‘It’s an inset day,’ said Jessica. ‘I’m not entirely sure what that means but the teachers do some sort of bonding and training exercises and the children have the day off. So we are going to do some bonding and training.’
‘Sounds fun. The bonding bit. Perhaps I should suggest an inset day at the hospital. It might go down really well with the younger members of staff.’ Lucas was already on his phone, asking the switchboard to put him through to Intensive Care. He was enquiring about yesterday’s patients and seemed
satisfied
with the information. ‘I’ll be in later this morning.’
‘Can Floppy Ears come on this secret drive?’ asked Lily, wide-eyed with excitement.
‘Is he feeling better?’
‘Yes, Daddy made him better.’
‘He can come,’ said Jessica. ‘But only if he behaves. No
shouting
, noisy squealing, or hopping about. One noisy hopping commotion from him in the car and he’ll be out of the window, feet first.’
Lily looked horror-stricken. ‘You wouldn’t really throw Floppy Ears out of the window, would you, Willdo?’
Jessica saw that she had alarmed the little girl. ‘It was only a joke, sweetheart. You’ll put a seat belt on him, won’t you?’ she reassured her. ‘Of course I wouldn’t throw him out of the window. I’d put him in the boot to cool off.’
Lady Grace resisted the idea of a secret drive. She had on her stubborn face.
‘I have no intention of going on a secret drive,’ she said. ‘I’m not a child and anyway I know every road around Upton Hall. There’s nowhere that I don’t know.’
‘Want a bet? I bet you three games of cards that you don’t know this secret place that I am taking you to. If I win, you can pay for tea out at a café.’
‘Tea at a café!’ Lily shrieked. ‘Cakes?’
Lady Grace liked betting when she was confident she would win. ‘That’s a bet. And you will lose. We shall set a time limit. Midday. If I don’t know where we are going by midday, you
win. If I do, I win.’
‘Sounds fair,’ agreed Jessica. ‘I’ll get everything ready. No one needs to rush or panic. Take your time. It’s not very far.’
She gave Mrs Harris the rest of the day off. ‘Don’t worry about making any lunch, I’m not sure of our plans,’ said Jessica. ‘Just leave something cold in the refrigerator and I’ll serve it when we get back.’
‘I’ll make a sherry trifle before I go and some coleslaw, a rice salad, and a cheese and onion quiche.’ Mrs Harris was
determined
to do her bit.
‘That sounds quite a lunch. So kind. Thank you.’
It was a bit of a panic but only for Jessica. She had to pack everything they would need without anyone noticing what she was doing. It was more difficult in Lady Grace’s bedroom as Jessica did not want to be caught snooping. But she found what she wanted, hidden in a box, on the top of a wardrobe.
Daniel was his usual uncommunicative self, but he was waiting outside, wearing his cowboy hat, so the idea of a secret drive had appealed to him even if he said nothing. Jessica winked at him. ‘Help me put these bags in the boot, please, Daniel. They are all part of the secret.’
He nodded, but still said nothing. He was strong, at almost eight, and heaved the bags in. He showed no curiosity.
Lucas had already left so there was only Mrs Harris to wave them off. She stood on the porch steps, a forlorn figure in her flowered overall. She privately thought that they would be back in half an hour, with Lady Grace demanding a dry sherry or her first gin and tonic.
Jessica knew that her driving was under scrutiny. She was ultra careful with the automatic gears. Lady Grace was a
backseat
driver, especially when sitting in the front and criticized every move that Jessica made. She had dressed smartly in a soft sage-green tweed suit and pearls. Jessica had checked the route beforehand and knew exactly where she was going. It was to a private estate of big houses facing the sea, past Goring, between Ferring and East Preston, where a lot of pop stars and football
stars lived in walled seclusion.
Mrs Harris, who was in on the secret, had given her
directions
. ‘They don’t have a road in front of the houses,’ she said. ‘There’s a wide stretch of grass and a path and then the sea. No traffic at all, so quiet. I’ve walked it many times. So the only access is from the back road. That’s why all these stars go to live there. I believe one of the Beatles, or was it the Rolling Stones, lived there once.’
‘I know where we are,’ said Lady Grace triumphantly, peering out of a window. ‘This is the Kings Mead Estate, very exclusive. Not a secret drive any more. You owe me three games of cards.’
‘Yes, you are right there but that’s only half the answer. You don’t know exactly where we are going.’
The backs of the big houses were not so imposing. The usual range of garages and dustbins and car ports as anywhere else. The house she was looking for had a wide curving in and out drive. It was a classic white house, in a sprawling hacienda style, very Spanish with lots of balconies and shutters and iron grille work, dozens of terracotta pots spilling with late summer flowers.
Jessica drove in and parked near the back entrance or was it the front? She had managed to get here safely without an outbreak of fighting in the car.
‘Is this the secret?’ Lily asked dubiously. ‘It doesn’t look like a secret place. It’s only a big house.’
‘Not yet,’ said Jessica. ‘We are not there yet. The house has a secret. A very special secret.’
The back door open and a Filipino maid in uniform stood there smiling. ‘Miss Harlow?’
‘Yes, Miss Harlow and extended family,’ said Jessica, smiling back.
‘We are expecting you. Please to come this way.’
‘And I’m Lady Grace Coleman,’ said her ladyship, not wanting to be left out of any introductions.
‘Welcome, Lady Grace,’ said the maid. ‘This way, please.’
Jessica heaved the bags out of the boot. Without being asked Daniel took two of the smaller bags. He kept up with the party going indoors.
They followed the maid through high, spacious white rooms and along wide white plastered corridors. Everything seemed to be white with minimal furniture, a few sofas and tables and drapes. They went down some steps and the maid opened a double door. Lady Grace held onto the handrail.
‘There is no one using it today,’ she said. ‘You will not be disturbed. Please ring the bell when you wish to leave.’
A wave of warm heat washed over everyone. In front of them was a beautiful sight. A sheet of tranquil aquamarine blue water, perfectly still, not a ripple in it, set in white marble tiles. Round the edges were lounge chairs, deep with blue cushions, and at the far end, floor to ceiling windows that looked out onto the sparkling blue of the distant sea.
‘Good heavens,’ said Lady Grace, for once lost for words. ‘What a place.’
‘A pool,’ breathed Lily. ‘It’s an indoor pool.’
‘Pool,’ said Daniel.
‘And it’s ours for the morning,’ said Jessica. ‘You can swim or not swim, Lady Grace. I’m going swimming and Daniel and Lily are going to have swimming lessons with me. But it would be wonderful for your hip. Even walking in the shallow end of a pool is an outstanding exercise. It places so little stress on your knee and the water is buoyant.’
‘But I don’t have a swimming costume,’ she said, the slightest tremble in her voice. ‘I’ll just watch.’
‘There is everything you need in this bag,’ said Jessica. ‘Those look like changing rooms over there. No steps to go down, only a very shallow ramp and rail.’
‘I don’t have a swimming costume,’ repeated Lily, near to tears.
‘Guess what’s in this bag for you both.’ Jessica waved an M & S bag from Brighton. ‘Brand new swimsuits.’
‘But Floppy Ears…?’
‘Floppy Ears doesn’t want to get wet. He’s going to sit this one out and watch.’ Typically awkward rabbit.
Jessica had never worn her swimsuit before. It was a relic of the humiliation. Fraser had planned a romantic weekend in the Balearic Islands, somewhere warm and sunny, he said. She had begun putting together holiday clothes, endless lunchtime shopping. But the romantic weekend had never happened and the swimsuit had never been worn. She tore off the price label and wriggled into it. The sleek blue and pink striped one piece swimsuit still fitted even though she had lost weight.
Lily’s swimsuit was bright pink and frilly, covered in polka dots. She loved it instantly. Jessica had played safe with Daniel and bought him plain navy trunks. He went straight into the water, splashing, disturbing the glassy surface with ripples of movement. Daniel could swim of sorts. Lucas had taken him twice last summer to the public pool in Littlehampton during the holidays, but it was so crowded and noisy. Daniel had hated it. Lucas had not tried again.
But this was different. There was no one here, no one to splash him or get in the way. Daniel struck out with confidence, remembering all that Lucas had taught him. He could see the end of the pool by the sun streaked window and it was not far away. It looked like a heaven beyond him.
Jessica put blow-up arm bands on Lily and guided her in, holding onto the side rail. ‘You are going to learn to kick your legs first,’ she said.
Lily decided that splashing Jessica was far more fun so no one actually saw Lady Grace emerge from a changing room. She was in a plain black swimming costume with wide
shoulder
straps and some sort of club shield in the centre. On her head she had a flowered swimming cap, very popular in the Seventies.
Jessica guided Lady Grace down the ramp into the shallow end. ‘This is a bit warmer than the sea,’ she said grudgingly. Jessica didn’t know if this was a complaint or a compliment. She had no difficulty in getting Lady Grace to walk backwards
and sideways, several times.
‘You can do any kind of movement that feels comfortable,’ said Jessica. ‘The water is buoyant so less weight is placed on the hip and the knee. It will strengthen your muscles and make you feel more secure. Hold onto the rail. Or swim a few strokes, if you want to.’
‘I can swim,’ said Lady Grace with a sniff.
‘I know you can,’ said Jessica. The proof was there,
embroidered
on the front of the black swimming costume, the Brighton Swimming Club shield.
It was many years since those swimming days, but after a few hesitant starts, Lady Grace was breast-stroking the length, slow and stately. It was not possible to see her face but Jessica had a feeling that her usual expression of irritation had relaxed. No one could be annoyed in this peaceful water.
It was a beautiful pool. It must have cost thousands of pounds and yet it was hardly used. The house belonged to one of the girl singers in a pop group. They toured the world with sell-out concerts. She was very rarely at home. Then the house and pool would be humming with all night parties and beach barbecues.