Pursued (24 page)

“I should. I
must.
He is my
brother
, my Lady. The feelings I have for him are completely unforgivable. And, to everyone else of my clan, unimaginably wrong.”

Nadiah frowned. “How can they be so inflexible? Surely you and Saber can’t be the first ones from the same clan to fall in love!”

“It has happened in the past but only very, very rarely.” Lissa sighed. “It almost never happens since the kinship compound was invented.”

“Kinship compound?” Nadiah frowned. “You said something about that before. What is it?”

“A drug that acts to repress and eradicate inappropriate feelings between clan members,” Lissa explained. “Every infant is injected with it at birth. It works on the hormonal systems of the body, suppressing any feeling of desire that might grow between two members of the same clan.” She sighed. “In fact, intimate physical touch between clan members is supposed to have the
opposite
effect of what it would between two who are sanctioned to be together.”

Nadiah shook her head. “I’m not sure I follow. So…this shot—this injection—you all get, is supposed to keep you from getting, uh, hot and bothered by another member of your tribe?”

Lissa nodded. “Essentially, yes. The compound is said to cause revulsion instead of desire. It is supposed to have a direct effect on the body—causing a wrongly sexual touch to make one nearly sick with disgust. And the more intimate the touch, the stronger the physical reaction to it.”

“That seems kind of harsh.” Nadiah frowned. “Anyway, I guess it didn’t work with you and Saber.”

Lissa shrugged. “I don’t know if it did or not. I told you, we were not so depraved as to try and touch each other physically. At least, not
intimately
. We held hands when no one was looking and once or twice he hugged me and kissed my forehead, but nothing more.” She looked down. “I think that’s one reason Saber told me he would be happy to have a nonphysical relationship and only Touch each other with our minds. We were both afraid that a physical touch between us would have the opposite effect—that it would kill our love for each other.”

“Oh, Lissa…” Nadiah squeezed her shoulders, a look of sorrow on her lovely face. “I’m so sorry! So now you’ll never know…”

“If I could have physically touched him or not. If…if I could have received the Deep Touch from him. No, I will never know that.” Lissa sighed. “Sometimes in my dreams he holds me…caresses my cheek…kisses my lips…” She trailed off, feeling her cheeks burn with shame. “Forgive me, my lady. I should not disclose such…immodest thoughts to you.”

“Of course you can—that’s what I’m here for. We’re friends, remember?” Impulsively, Nadiah kissed her cheek. “I keep telling you—you can talk to me about anything and I promise I won’t judge you. My family didn’t want me with Rast either, you know.”

“Yes, but the Councilor is not in any way related to you,” Lissa said softly. “He is not your…your
Moch Daer.”

“What does that mean?
Moch Daer
?”

“It’s a word…a word with many meanings in my culture.” Lissa sighed. “First and foremost, it mean’s ‘older brother.’ But not just any older brother—it means a male you can trust. A protector who holds a special place in your heart. One you love above all others.” She shook her head. “I called Saber that but I didn’t love him as an
amalla—
as a beloved little sister should, but in a wrong and incestuous way.” She shook her head. “Minverna knew that. She looked into my heart and saw my shame. What she said about me before she…she died was right and true.”

“That’s still no reason to cut off all your gorgeous hair and run around naked in the desert for a month,” Nadiah objected. “Please, Lissa—
please
reconsider.”

Lissa took a deep breath and shook her head. “I am sorry, my Lady…Nadiah, if my decision causes you pain. But I must do what I feel is right for me.”

“But this isn’t just a gesture of respect for Minverna—it’s some kind of penance you’re trying to do,” Nadiah objected. “You’re torturing yourself for feelings you can’t help having and that’s not right!”

“Forgive me.” Lissa looked down. “Please, my Lady—forgive me as I cannot forgive myself.”

Then she rose and went to her rooms to prepare for her long ordeal in the desert.

Merrick rapped lightly on Elise’s bedroom door. It was still closed and locked, just as it had been since the night before. “Elise? We’re in orbit and set to land. I’m sorry baby, but you
have
to come out now. It’s not safe unless you’re strapped in.”

There was a long silence and he began to wonder if she’d heard him or not. He was raising his hand to knock again when the panel slid open and she appeared. Merrick drew in a breath at the sight of her.

She was wearing a long sleeved turtleneck sweater that covered her all the way down to her wrists and completely hid her slender throat from view. Her slacks were also long and thick and she wore black high-heeled boots on her feet.

But though her outfit was strange—not to mention completely inappropriate for the jungle climate of Rageron—it was her face that Merrick was looking at—or trying to, anyway. Her hair was loose around her shoulders, hiding most of her from him. But when she did look up, very briefly, he saw dark circles under her brown eyes and knew she’d been as sleepless as he had, ever since their last encounter.

“Elise?” he asked, making her name a question. “Are you all right, baby?” It was the same question he’d been asking ever since she’d run from him and locked herself in her room the night before. And, to his frustration, Elise gave him the exact same answer.

“Fine. I’m fine.”

She tried to duck under his arm and head for the front of the ship but Merrick caught her and held her, gently but firmly, by the shoulders.

“Enough of this ‘I’m fine’ bullshit,” he said softly. “Why don’t you tell me what’s
really
going on? What happened last night? Why did you run away from me?”

Her eyes flicked up to his and then shifted away just as quickly. “I…I can’t talk about it.”

“You mean you
won’t
talk about it.” Merrick frowned.

“No, I mean I
can’t.”
She looked up at him, her brown eyes pleading. “Don’t you see, if I do, things will only get worse and they're bad enough already. Please, Merrick, can’t we just forget about it and move on?”

“
Forget
about it?” He looked at her incredulously. “How the hell am I supposed to do that?” He could still feel her in his arms, naked and soft and perfect. Could still hear her moans in his ears, feel the slick, tight channel of her pussy wrapped around his fingers as he thrust deep inside her, making her come so hard…

“Just put it to the back of your mind,” she snapped, interrupting the hot memory. “Put it away and don’t think about it.”

Merrick clenched his jaw. “Is that what you’re going to do with me once all this is over? Put me away and forget about me? Go back to your idiot fiancé and get on with your life?”

“Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?” she flared at him. “I mean, isn’t that the plan—to go away and never see each other again after the bond is dissolved?”

“Yeah.” Merrick dropped his hands from her shoulders and stepped back, away from her. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

Elise ran a hand though her hair in obvious frustration. “I’m sorry, Merrick. I shouldn’t have said that. But we also shouldn’t have done…what we did last night. I
am
still engaged, after all.”

He raised an eyebrow at her. “And
that’s
why you ran last night? Because you felt so guilty about cheating on fucking James?”

“Yes…yes, of course.” But she wouldn’t meet his eyes and Merrick didn’t believe her, not entirely.

“Really,” he said flatly.

“Yes, really.” She finally looked up at him, her face set in an expression of determination. “And I don’t think we should do it again. Or…or anything like it.”

Merrick frowned. “Have you forgotten why we started in the first place? To feed your
hunger.
To keep you healthy.”

“Yes, I know.” Elise nodded. “But I feel like I got enough to satisfy me last night.
More
than enough. I think…I think holding hands for the rest of our trip will probably keep me in balance enough that we don’t have to…don’t have to do anything like
that
again.”

“Is that fucking right?” Merrick felt rage and hurt and desire all rising inside him. Somehow he managed to choke the emotions down, at least long enough to talk. “Let me tell you something, baby,” he said, his voice going hoarse. “Last night was the best fucking sex I’ve ever had in my life and it wasn’t even really sex. You know why that was? Because it was with
you.”

Her eyes went wide and then she looked down, biting her lip. “You…you just think that because of the bond,” she whispered. “It’s a fake emotion, like everything else we feel for each other. It's not real.”

“Isn't it?” Merrick demanded. “Because right now I feel like you reached in my chest with that soft little hand of yours and ripped out my fucking heart. How much realer can it get than that?”

“I…I don’t know.” When she looked up again, her eyes were filled with tears. “I’m sorry, Merrick.”

“Yeah, me too.” He shook his head and turned to head for the front of the ship. “Come on, I’ve already called in to the Rageron com tower. They’re expecting us planet-side.”

“Merrick…” she whispered, but he ignored her.

He headed back up front, not waiting to see if she would follow or not.

* * * * *

Elise couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so completely miserable. Well, other than her time spent on the Fathership, but she hardly thought of that now, it was in the vault, with everything else. Come to think of it, it was getting pretty crowded in there, with all the things she didn’t want to remember. Sometimes she felt like her real life was in there, behind those badly sealed doors and the existence she led now was completely false.

I’m just skimming the surface,
she thought looking down at the too-large harness buckling her in place as Merrick landed their ship.
Pretending everything is all right, that I have a normal life. I go to work, I come home, I meet James, we mouth empty pleasantries to each other. I go to bed and wake up and do it all again.

Living inauthentically. That’s what they had called her kind of life in a Philosophy class she’d taken once in college. Pretending everything was fine. Ignoring all the hurt and trauma and madness of the past. It was a coping strategy—one Elise was especially good at. But she found it very hard to keep up around Merrick.

For some reason, the big Kindred seemed to bring the pain of her past to the surface. His very presence threatened to crack her inner vault doors wide open and let out the noxious flood that pressed insistently at the small, walled off corner of her mind she’d designated as untouchable, unthinkable. Elise knew she ought to hate him for being the catalyst that threatened to unleash such a horrific flood.

But she didn’t. She couldn’t. In fact, if she were to allow herself to acknowledge the truth—she felt the exact opposite.

I love him,
she thought before she could stop herself. But no, that was stupid. It was just their artificial bond talking. Or was it? Could something that felt this painfully real be completely false? She had never felt this much for James. The thought of marrying him and spending their lives together was vaguely pleasant but it didn’t fill her with rapture or longing. And the idea of being without him didn’t pierce her like an arrow straight to the heart.

She cast a sidelong glance at Merrick who was staring straight ahead at the steering yoke, his face a stony mask.
I hurt him,
she thought and felt a rush of guilt and pain and shame that was nearly incapacitating.
After everything he did for me. After he was so patient and kind and loving. After he made himself vulnerable to me—physically and emotionally—I stomped on his heart and threw it away like trash. God, what’s wrong with me?

But she didn’t have to ask that question—not really. After last night it was obvious what her choices were. Get close to Merrick and watch the door of the vault crack wide and let out everything she’d been suppressing, all the memories and hurts and fears she’d been studiously
not
thinking about for over ten years…or distance herself from the big Kindred and go on living on the surface. Living inauthentically.

The thing was, living inauthentically didn’t hurt the way remembering the past did. Skimming the surface meant she missed a lot of joy…but she missed a lot of pain, too. And Elise just didn’t feel ready to deal with the pain of her past yet. Honestly, she didn’t think she ever would. So she had to keep her distance from Merrick—emotionally
and
physically. No more hanky-panky. No matter how angrily the
hunger
roared and raged within her, she was determined that this time she would feed it only enough to keep both herself and Merrick healthy—no more. Holding hands, maybe sleeping close at night—with some clothes on, of course—should take care of her problem, at least until they severed the bond that tied them together. Then she could go back to her life on Earth with James, as though nothing had ever happened.

It was the perfect solution. So why did even thinking about it make her feel like crying?

“Here we are,” Merrick announced and Elise realized they’d finally landed. The scene on the viewscreen had changed from that of a deep blue ball, which was Rageron viewed from space, to the feathery blue fronds of some kind of plant. At least, Elise
thought
it was a plant. It was hard to be sure.

“All right,” she said as they both began to unstrap themselves from the safety harnesses. “Should we just get our things and go out then?”

“Don’t bring much,” he said briefly. “I’ve arranged to stay with my kin the first night but after that we’ll be trekking through the Deep Blue. Anything you’ve got will just slow you down.”