Pushing Reset

Pushing Reset

By

K. Sterling

Prologue

Jude watched as Emma’s casket was lowered into the ground and the pastor offered her soul to eternity. He clenched his jaw as he closed his hand around Brandon’s shoulder and dirt began to fall into the grave. Jude looked down at Noah, Brandon’s two year old son and felt his eyes begin to burn.
How could she?
Jude wondered as he looked back at the hole in the ground before them. He never understood why Brandon married Emma but as Jude watched dirt slowly covering her, Jude hated her with every fiber of his being. Emma had destroyed Brandon, the person Jude loved most in the world. He narrowed his eyes as he stared into the ground. Perhaps she’d spared Noah, he was too young to really understand and he barely knew his mother.

Thunder growled in the distance and the dirt started falling faster and the pastor’s words became urgent. Jude closed his other hand around Noah’s arm and the toddler smiled up at him. Pain streaked through Jude’s chest and he vowed that he’d never let Noah down. He wouldn’t let Brandon down either. Jude nodded inwardly, he would stay with Brandon and Noah for as long as they needed him.

Chapter 1

There was laughter and the pelter of footsteps before Brandon heard the sound of sliding in the hall. He leaned back and to the side, craning his neck to see around the door. Brandon rolled his eyes as Jude slid down the banister elegantly and landed on the floor. Jude turned and caught Noah a moment later and they laughed as Jude swung him high into the air before setting Noah on his feet. Jude chased Noah into the office and they skidded to a halt in front of Brandon’s desk. Jude fell into a chair and Noah ran around and crawled into Brandon’s lap.

“We’re going fishing! Want to come with us?” Noah asked as he reached for the small bust of Pythagoras on the desktop. Noah marched it toward the laptop and Brandon grabbed the glass of bourbon before Pythagoras could attack it.

“I can’t, I have a lot of work to do. Did you have a good day at school?” Brandon asked as his eyes met Jude’s across the desk. Jude nodded as he reclined.

“Noah was very good today. I talked to Mrs. Sullivan at parent pick-up and she said Noah needs to practice his spelling words, he’s having trouble with the sneaky e’s,” Jude said and Noah rolled his eyes. Brandon gave him a stern look and Noah shrugged as he climbed off of Brandon’s lap and ran around the desk to Jude.

“Can Uncle Jude teach me math too? I don’t like the way she makes me do it,” Noah complained as he tugged on Jude’s hand and Brandon shook his head.

“Unfortunately, Jude can only count as high as he has fingers and toes. He used to have to take off his shoes to do his homework. You’re stuck with me when you need help, I’m afraid,” Brandon said with a perfectly straight face. Jude snorted as he rose and scowled at Brandon. Noah frowned for a moment then smiled as Jude tousled his hair.

“Let’s go, Noah. The fish will be better company,” Jude said as he guided Noah from the room. Noah started to skip ahead but turned to look at Brandon.

“You really don’t want to come?” Noah asked as he looked at Brandon with large eyes. Brandon felt his chest tighten but he shook his head. Jude must have seen it. He smiled softly as he gave Noah a gentle shove.

“Leave him, he’ll just be grumpy the whole time,” Jude said as he picked up Noah and headed for the door and dropped his voice. “I’ll tell you a secret: your dad is afraid of fish. He never could touch them,” Jude whispered loudly. Noah laughed as he looked over Jude’s shoulder. Brandon glared at Jude and shook his head which made Noah laugh even louder as they disappeared into the hall.

Alone again, Brandon frowned at the door. He probably should have gone with them but Jude hadn’t been completely inaccurate. Brandon would have kept the two of them from enjoying their afternoon. He inevitably said or did something that ruined their fun. Brandon usually complained that Jude and Noah were being too loud or wild or that Jude was teaching Noah something he shouldn’t. Jude loved to teach Noah mildly inappropriate rhymes, probably to irritate Brandon. Jude also encouraged Noah to climb everything and run everywhere he went. It was exactly what Noah needed and Brandon didn’t want to get in the way.

Brandon said a silent prayer of thanks for Jude. When Emma died, Brandon’s first thought had been of Noah and his immediate reaction had been fear. He had no idea how he’d cope with raising a child on his own or how to replace Noah’s mother. Jude saved them. Not that Jude was maternal in any way, if anything, he was more like a second father to Noah. But Jude had been there for Noah when Brandon’s grief had overwhelmed him and he could barely function. Jude didn’t let Brandon wallow for too long. He stormed into Brandon’s room every morning and ordered him to get up and put one foot in front of the other and he’d kept Brandon from emptying a bottle of bourbon every day. Jude allowed Brandon to grieve but didn’t let the pain pull Brandon under.

It was just another reason Brandon loved Jude and was grateful for him. Brandon frowned as he let his gaze stretch. What was Jude giving up to stay with them? Jude was an award winning song writer and the media loved him. Jude had always been popular in high school and college. With his easygoing nature, quick wit, humor and endless flirting, Jude was charismatic and irresistible. He was the exact opposite of Brandon yet somehow they had been best friends from the moment they first met. In addition to Jude’s magnetic personality, he was well educated (his only weakness was math), was worth a fortune and had a large home in the Hamptons he hadn’t lived in for years. On top of all of that, Jude was strikingly handsome. Brandon heard more than enough women whisper that they wouldn’t tell him no, he could have slept with just about any woman of his choice. Tall, lean, athletic and always well dressed, Jude caused women to blush and stutter. Jude had rich chocolate brown waves and skin that was naturally warm and golden. He had bright green eyes that always seemed to sink a little too deep into whoever fell under their gaze, and wide, always laughing lips. Jude was every woman’s dream.

Brandon knew they were all bound for disappointment. He knew this because when they were sixteen, he and Jude snuck a bottle of vodka and hid in the pool house and proceeded to make themselves sick. During that first humiliating experiment with over-drinking, Jude confessed that he preferred guys over girls. Brandon’s only response had been to worry, he knew very little about the gay lifestyle and what he did know wasn’t good. Brandon had never heard of two men falling in love and living happily ever after. All Brandon knew about gay men was that Freddie Mercury had died of AIDS from having sex with men. There was a sarcastic laugh at the thought. Brandon hadn’t found happiness by settling into a traditional marriage with a woman. Brandon grinned wryly as he picked up his bourbon and drained it. He rose and went to refill his glass.

No, finding a wife and having a son hadn’t led Brandon to a life of domestic bliss. For years, it had been a nightmare. The only good thing that had come from it all had been Noah. Brandon poured a generous amount of bourbon in his glass and turned, leaning against the bar as he stared out the window. Emma had been the worst mistake of his life but it had all been worth it. Brandon would relive every miserable moment of Emma if it meant having Noah. Looking back, Brandon didn’t know why he thought he could save Emma. Maybe it had been selfishness on his part. Emma had been there and Brandon knew he would never truly love her.

How could anyone love Emma? Even as a child, she had been sad and empty. Her father killed himself when she was five and her mother married Brandon’s uncle. Everyone hoped that she would outgrow her “moodiness” but Emma only got worse. When Brandon had come across Emma after college at family events, hiding in corners or sitting alone, Brandon tried to draw her out and make her less miserable. Not that he was having a great time, no one would consider him the life of the party. It didn’t help that Brandon was a terrible dancer and got nervous around people. But he tried to be brave and encourage Emma. A quiet, somewhat dependent friendship grew between them and it slowly morphed into a weird dating situation. Neither had ever been in a relationship before and they were equally dysfunctional. In the end, Brandon saw marrying Emma as a way to rescue them both. They would never have to start over with the awkward early phases of dating and building a relationship again. And Brandon foolishly thought he could fix Emma and they might find a way to exist comfortably together.

Brandon snorted as he raised the glass and took a long drink. He’d tried everything but Emma only slipped further away. Without her parents to order her around, Emma retreated into the darkness of her room, closed the curtains and hid from the world. Brandon spent the first months of their marriage begging her to come out, then he spent months trying to entertain her in her self imposed exile. Aside from the times she cried, Emma rarely showed any emotion or awareness of Brandon. The few times Brandon had sex with Emma had been hell. He’d only gone to her because his parents insisted a baby would solve their problems, dreading every step he took as he approached her bed. It had taken a herculean effort to stay hard long enough and not throw up when Brandon fucked her. For Brandon, it had been like making love to a corpse and he hated himself for days after. The relief he felt when Emma became pregnant had been overwhelming. He told himself it was because a baby might make Emma happy and she might start to live if she had someone that loved and needed her. Truthfully, Brandon was overjoyed at the idea of never having to return to Emma’s bed. Even if she had made an effort and wanted him, Brandon probably wouldn’t have enjoyed the sex.

Sex, for Brandon had always been uncomfortable. He’d never had sex before he married, he’d never really put any effort into it. With Emma, Brandon had always been gentle and brief. That was all Brandon was capable of. For Brandon, the release he achieved was underwhelming and not worth the discomfort he felt from all of the physical contact. He never understood his friends’ obsession with women’s tits and asses or sex itself. Even when he jerked off, it was just alright for Brandon. Eventually, the need would build up enough and Brandon would masturbate and he’d feel disappointed as his body cooled. For the most part, Brandon was perfectly content with his monk-like existence.

His mind returned to Jude. Brandon knew Jude had a very different attitude toward sex. Actually, Jude was a bit of a whore. Jude had once confided that he accepted women’s offers from time to time. If he was drunk enough, he could actually enjoy it and it was good for keeping up appearances. As a famous songwriter, his agent said it was better for sales if the wider public thought Jude Strickland was straight. Brandon didn’t know who, but Jude found plenty of male partners to keep him happy in their little Connecticut town. He frequently went out once Noah went to bed. Brandon told himself that as long as Jude was discreet, it was none of his business. Brandon just wished he knew a little less about what Jude was doing and who he was doing it with.

Brandon never wanted to pry into Jude’s personal life and did his best to be supportive without letting things get uncomfortable. Brandon didn’t know how he would have survived without Jude. He remembered the day he found Emma, cold and grey in her bed. She’d taken enough
oxycodone to kill a horse and… well, killed herself. The first thing Brandon had done after calling 911 was call Jude. He couldn’t remember much about the first few weeks except that Jude had been there. Jude had been there when Brandon needed him and he’d never left.

Chapter 2

“I hope Mrs. Kelly makes fish sticks with these!” Noah exclaimed as he swung the bucket and skipped ahead of Jude.

“We’ll have to ask her.” Jude chuckled as he followed. He doubted that Mrs. Kelly would be impressed with the contents of their bucket but he didn’t want to disappoint Noah. “I bet she has fresh cookies. We’ll go through the kitchen so your dad doesn’t know. That way we can eat them all ourselves!” Jude roared as he grabbed the bucket containing their sad catch and swung Noah over his shoulder. Noah giggled but Jude could tell he was getting tired. He’d need a nap after their snack. Jude smiled as Noah began to mumble the limerick he’d taught him. Brandon would not be pleased. Jude and Noah had also spent a lot of the afternoon practicing spelling words, so Brandon wouldn’t be too angry. Jude felt Noah’s head raise and waited for the inevitable question. At six, Noah was full of questions.

“Do you think I’ll ever have a mom, Uncle Jude?” Noah rested his elbows against Jude’s back and Jude knew Noah was propping up his face as his feet kicked gently. Jude cursed silently as his stomach twisted.
Fuck you, Emma,
he thought bitterly.

“I don’t know,” Jude lied. He knew that Brandon would never marry again but that was a conversation that Noah wasn’t ready for and it wasn’t Jude’s place to have it with him. “You know I’ll always be here for you, right? And your dad and I both love you more than all the stars in the sky,” Jude said as he reached back and tickled Noah’s ribs. Noah laughed and squirmed.

“I know!” He gasped as he tried to catch his breath. “It’s kind of like I have two dads. I like that. I don’t think a mom would go fishing or climb trees with me when my dad is busy.” Noah was silent for a moment before he pushed off of Jude’s shoulders so that he could see his face. “I think dad is so sad and serious all the time because he’s lonely. I just thought he’d be happier if he had a wife,” Noah confided. For a moment, Jude’s eyes stung. He forced a bright smile then a loud laugh.

“I’m not so sure, Noah. Your father has always been grumpy and women can be really confusing.” Jude was almost relieved when they reached the kitchen door and Noah became distracted with showing Mrs. Kelly the three little fish they’d caught and the promise of cookies once he washed up. Jude leaned against the bathroom door as he watched Noah washing his hands and face before he sprinted down the hall into the kitchen and to the table. Noah sat on his knees and half laid across the table as he grabbed two cookies. Mrs. Kelly laughed as she set a glass of milk in front of Noah. Jude was glad Brandon wasn’t there, he’d insist that Noah should sit properly and eat one cookie at a time and probably only have two. Jude frowned for a moment as he recalled his conversation with Noah. That boy deserved all the cookies he could eat.

Jude hadn't been entirely honest with Noah. Brandon had always been quiet and awkward around people and he was often more serious, but he’d never been sad or cranky before Emma. It wasn’t enough that she’d been miserable and killed herself, she’d infected Brandon with whatever it was she’d suffered from. Jude would have felt sorry for her if she hadn’t almost taken Brandon with her. Jude didn’t know what made Emma the way she was and he believed that she had no control over it but he could never forgive her for marrying Brandon and ruining his life. The three years of their marriage had been hell for Brandon and Jude stayed away as much as he could. He couldn’t stand to see what Emma was doing to Brandon but he was always there when Brandon needed him.

That’s what love did to a man. Not to Brandon, he wasn’t in love with Emma. As far as Jude knew, Brandon Leeds had never been in love. Brandon had always been too cautious and guarded to connect with people in that way. Jude knew he was the rare exception and he felt blessed. Despite his discomfort with people and social awkwardness, Brandon had disappointed legions of women when he’d settled for Emma. Brandon was highly intelligent, gentle natured, from a well respected family and had sold his software company, NinjaGeek, for millions when he was twenty-two. In addition to everything else, Brandon was incredibly handsome. Brandon couldn’t see it and Jude knew he lacked confidence but to Jude, Brandon was perfect. Brandon was tall, wide shouldered, narrow hipped and Jude knew that beneath his clothes, Brandon was naturally athletic and muscular. He wore his jet black hair a touch longer than fashionable because Brandon had never given a damn about fashion or his appearance. While never sloppy, Brandon didn’t worry about clothes. He lived in jeans and rarely wore a shirt with buttons. His face was all harsh, chiseled angles softened by long, thick eye lashes and full, soft lips. But it was Brandon’s eyes that made Jude’s knees turn to water when he made the mistake of looking for too long. They were a blue so light, they almost looked grey at times. Those were Jude’s weakness. When they were alone and had a little too much to drink, they made him want Brandon so deeply and so urgently that Jude had no choice but to run. He would use Grindr or Tinder to seek out one of the many willing men in town and use his body to push the image of Brandon and his haunting silver eyes away so that he could stumble home and start over again the next day. It was the only way Jude could live the way he did.

Jude knew that he would never be able to leave Brandon and Noah, no matter how painful it got at times. As long as they needed him, Jude would stay. Over the years, Noah had become like a son to him and he’d meant it when he said he would always be there. But even if Noah wasn’t half of his reason for living, Jude would stay. Jude could never stand to be away from Brandon for long and he’d endure a lifetime of heartbreak because he couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t in love with Brandon.