Pushing Reset (3 page)

Chapter 8

Jude sprinted to the front steps and huffed as he pushed the door open. He jogged into Brandon’s office and waved before he bent forward and leaned on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. He laughed as he stood and grabbed the front of his shirt and dried his face.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Brandon mumbled as he threw his hands up. Jude’s brows pulled together and looked around.

“Did I interrupt something?” He panted as he waited for his heartbeat to settle. Brandon sighed as he sat back then shook his head.

“No, it’s nothing,” he said as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Jude frowned as he watched Brandon stretch his neck.

“Are you sure?” Jude asked and Brandon offered a strained smile.

“Everything’s great. What’s up?” He asked as he leaned forward and became absorbed in whatever was on his laptop. Jude’s lips pulled tight as he tried to decide if he should push.

“I was going to say you should have come with me. The Morgan’s dogs got loose and they destroyed the Franz’s flower beds. Shit was getting heated,” Jude said and Brandon nodded as he continued to stare at the screen. Jude narrowed his eyes as he watched Brandon fail at attempting to look relaxed and normal. “Clearly, that wouldn’t have been a good idea, seeing as something’s really bothering you,” he said as he crossed his arms over his chest. Brandon shook his head but didn’t look up.

“Nothing’s bothering me,” he muttered as his fingers tapped buttons loudly. Jude glared impatiently but Brandon refused to acknowledge it. Jude clenched his jaw as his temper stirred. He had no idea what this was about but blowing up at Brandon wasn’t going to make it better.

“Great. I don’t know why I thought so,” Jude was pleased that he sounded only mildly sarcastic. “I’m going to go take a shower,” he said as he turned and paused when he heard Brandon curse under his breath.

Jude shook his head again, refusing to give into the temptation to turn around and interrogate Brandon. He took a deep breath then strode quickly from the room and took the stairs two at a time in his rush to put some distance between him and Brandon. After he slammed his bedroom door shut, Jude groaned in frustration as he pushed his hands through his hair. He didn’t know what was behind Brandon’s mood swings lately but he was just about out of patience. Normally, Jude could read Brandon and knew how to bring him out of a bad mood. Now, Brandon could go from calm and pleasant to scowling and swearing under his breath in the blink of an eye. Or, he would stare. At Jude, with the oddest expression or off into space with a completely blank expression.

Could it be drugs?
Jude’s lips twisted as he scanned his memories for any other signs. Brandon’s appetite had been off lately. Jude pulled his shirt over his head and chewed on his lip as he recalled seeing Brandon push food around his plate more than a few times in the last few weeks. He wadded up his shirt and tossed it in the hamper. Jude raised one foot and loosened the laces and thought about how distant Brandon had been lately. He loosened the other shoe and toed both off before he hopped on one foot as he pulled off a sock. Brandon was spending a lot of time alone. Jude’s head snapped up and his eyes grew wide as he tossed his socks on top of his shirt. Brandon looked really tired lately, like he wasn’t sleeping at night. In the mornings his eyes were bloodshot and he would yawn through breakfast as he pretended to eat.
What if he’s sneaking off and getting high during the day and bingeing on drugs all night?

Jude gasped as he rushed across the room and pulled his door open. He tried to tamp down the surge of anxiety that attacked him as he strode down the hall. Aside from using poppers a few times and a little pot now and then, Jude didn’t have a lot of experience with drugs. He decided it was safe to assume that Brandon wasn’t using poppers as he jogged down the stairs. And he was sure Brandon would look more rested if he was smoking pot. Jude’s panic spiked as he swung into the office and Brandon’s eyes flared and he jumped to his feet as Jude rushed at him.

“Are you on drugs?” Jude asked loudly as he grabbed Brandon’s arm. He held on tight as Brandon tugged and frowned as he stared at the inside of Brandon’s elbow.
Do you even know what tracks look like?
Jude wondered as he turned Brandon’s arm, trying to get more light on it.

“What are you doing?” Brandon’s voice was strained as he tried to pull away. Jude released his arm and grabbed Brandon’s face.

“I think you might be using drugs,” Jude announced as his thumbs pulled on Brandon’s lower eyelids.
Is it normal for this to be so pink? I don’t even know what normal eyes look like. These just look really irritated and dry.
Jude’s lips pulled tight as he tried to remember what the insides of his eyelids looked like. Brandon swatted his hands away and pulled his head back.

“And you think I’m keeping them under my eyeballs?” He grumbled as Jude leaned forward and sniffed. “Get the fuck off of me,” Brandon ordered as he stepped around his chair and backed away. “I’m not using drugs,” he declared angrily and Jude’s eyes narrowed as he studied Brandon.

“You’d say that if you were,” he argued and Brandon raised a brow.

“Are you on drugs?” He asked and Jude snorted.

“Don’t turn this around on me,” he warned as he advanced. “It would explain everything,” Jude insisted and Brandon held his arms out, holding Jude off.

“Stop!” He looked terrified as his back hit the bookshelf and Jude gave him an expectant look as he took another step. Brandon cleared his throat and tugged at his collar. “I swear, I’m not on drugs. You know me, I can’t even take Sudafed without freaking out.” His eyes were pleading and Jude’s lips pursed as he considered.

“That’s true…” He scratched his jaw as he considered. “But you’ve been acting really odd lately,” Jude said and Brandon scowled.

“Can’t I just be in a bad mood now and then without you attacking me and accusing me of using drugs?” Brandon asked and Jude raised his hand and pointed at Brandon.

“I know when you’re just in a bad mood and this is different. Something’s wrong and for some reason, you refuse to talk to me about it,” he said and Brandon shrugged.

“Or, maybe you’re making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe I’m just not in the mood to talk,” Brandon said defensively and Jude squeezed his temples and sighed.

“Whatever it is, Brandon, we can deal with it. If it’s drugs or maybe you need to see a therapist because you’re depressed, I won’t judge you and I’m here,” Jude promised and Brandon groaned as he threw his hands up.

“I’m not using drugs and I swear I’m not depressed,” Brandon insisted and his face became taut. “After years of begging Emma to get help and seeing what can happen if you don’t, that’s the last thing you have to worry about, Jude.” He leaned back against the shelves and Jude nodded as he stepped closer.

“I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to feel like you’re alone and you’ve had me worried lately,” Jude said as he reached for Brandon to give him a hug. Brandon pressed himself against the shelves and shook his head frantically.

“No!” It was shrill and he was petrified. Jude’s head pulled back in confusion and Brandon waved him off. “You’re half naked and sweaty,” he complained and Jude rolled his eyes.

“Dude, I don’t have cooties,” Jude shook his head as he turned to go. “Whatever. Don’t do drugs and stop being an asshole.” He waved over his shoulder before he left the room.

It wasn’t really a resolution but Jude prayed that whatever was going on with Brandon would pass or he’d open up and talk about it. All Jude could do was be patient and hope for the best. For the time being. At some point, Jude was prepared to kick Brandon in the balls and tell him to “knock it the fuck off”.

Chapter 9

“I don’t know why we couldn’t have waited for Uncle Jude. What if he’s mad that we had dinner without him?” Noah yawned as Brandon carried him up the stairs.

“He’s having dinner with a friend. We had fun, right?” Brandon ignored the tightness in his chest as he turned down the hall. Noah smiled drowsily and nodded.

“It was fun. I just miss Uncle Jude when he’s not with us,” Noah slurred and Brandon’s lips pulled tight.

“I know but it’s good for Jude to get out and do things he wants to do now and then.” Brandon was glad he sounded more enthusiastic about it than he felt. Noah laughed as Brandon dropped him onto his bed and he bounced.

“I guess he needs a break sometimes. He takes care of us a lot,” Noah said as he toed off his shoes and Brandon nodded as he turned and pulled open the top drawer of the dresser and grabbed a pair of pajamas.

“Yeah. He’ll be back soon and he’ll kiss you goodnight,” Brandon said as he gestured for Noah to raise his arms then pulled his shirt up. He pretended it was stuck and wrapped his arm around Noah’s shoulders and tugged. Noah giggled hysterically and Brandon gasped when he finally pulled the shirt free and stumbled back.

“Did this shrink?” Brandon asked as he examined Noah’s shirt before he shook his head and narrowed his eyes as he studied Noah’s head. Noah’s lips pushed out as he crossed his arms over his chest and Brandon sighed. “We should probably get that looked at,” he said as he waved toward Noah’s head and Noah’s lips pulled tight.

“My head is normal,” he insisted and Brandon shook his head as he held up the pajama top.

“I’m afraid not. You’re looking a bit like a hammer,” he teased as he struggled to get the shirt over Noah’s head. Noah growled as he pulled and his head slipped easily through the collar. “Whew!” Brandon said loudly as he lifted Noah to his feet on the bed. Noah glared as he kicked off his corduroy pants and held onto Brandon’s shoulders as he pulled on his pajama bottoms. “Go potty and brush your teeth,” Brandon ordered and Noah bounced on his bottom before he scooted off the bed and ran to his bathroom.

Brandon smiled as he picked up Noah’s clothes and tossed them in the hamper. He heard Noah singing in the bathroom.

“H-o-t spells hot and sounds like snot…” It stopped and Brandon rolled his eyes and listened as Noah brushed his teeth as he set Noah’s shoes in the closet. A moment later Noah ran from the bathroom and dove onto the bed. “Did you like Ms. Sullivan?” Noah asked as he crawled under the covers and Brandon shrugged.

“She seems fine,” he lied. Her face was all kinds of bitch, resting or in motion but Noah didn’t need to hear his thoughts on that. He kissed Noah on the forehead. “I love you,” Brandon said as he pulled the blankets to Noah’s chin.

“I love you too, dad.” He yawned again and Brandon swept the hair off his brow before he stood.

“Want the light on?” Brandon asked and Noah nodded.

“Yeah.” Another large yawn poured from his mouth before he rolled onto his side. “Uncle Jude will turn it off and I’ll know he kissed me goodnight if I’m asleep when he comes,” Noah explained and Brandon nodded in understanding.

“Ok. I’ll see you in the morning,” Brandon said softly as he pulled the door. He left it cracked and quietly made his way downstairs.

He grabbed the newspaper and dropped onto the sofa and sighed as he flipped through the pages. He was having little luck focusing on any of the stories he read so Brandon tried to reflect on the meeting with Noah’s teacher. It was no good. His eyes kept flicking to the front door and his ears kept straining for the sound of Jude’s car. By the time Jude came through the door, Brandon was irritable and restless. Jude waved as he passed and jogged toward the stairs. A few minutes later he was striding into the living room toward the bar.

“How did the meeting go?” Jude asked as he poured himself a whiskey.

“As well as can be expected,” Brandon mumbled as he got up and went to the bar. For some reason, he hadn’t felt like drinking until Jude walked in. “Did you turn off the light?” Brandon asked and he saw Jude nod out of the corner of his eye. Jude sighed happily as he dropped into an armchair and slouched. His legs stretched and he crossed them at the ankles as he set his drink on his chest.

“The meeting?” Jude gestured for Brandon to continue as he shut his eyes and Brandon glared as he returned to the sofa.

“Ms. Sullivan is definitely a bitch. She was pretty concerned with our living arrangement and kept prying until I explained that Noah’s mother died.” Brandon saw Jude’s jaw twitch but he remained silent. “After that, her biggest complaint was Noah’s habit of singing rude rhymes when he’s in between tasks.” He took a long drink and Jude chuckled as he lifted his glass.

“But how have his spelling tests been?” He asked and Brandon sighed.

“He’s got a four in spelling,” he admitted and Jude raised his glass in salute before he took a sip.

“The results speak for themselves,” Jude declared and Brandon refused to admit that he agreed. Instead he sighed again before he drained his glass. One of Jude’s eyes snapped open and locked on Brandon. “What?” He asked as he watched and Brandon shook his head.

“Nothing,” he mumbled as he got up and poured himself another drink. “How was your evening? You’re in earlier than I expected.” Brandon turned and leaned against the bar and a large grin spread across Jude’s lips.

“Fantastic,” he winked as he stretched and folded an arm behind his head. “It didn’t take me as long as I expected to talk the new dog groomer into giving me a tour of his shop,” Jude said before he took another sip. Brandon stared into his drink for several moments before he set it on the bar.

“You know, I’m going to go ahead and turn in.” He pushed from the bar and was almost to the stairs when Jude called to him.

“What’s wrong this time?” He asked and Brandon waved over his shoulder as he climbed.

“Just really tired all of a sudden,” Brandon lied and kept his head down. He knew there was no way he’d be able to get to sleep for hours but he didn’t want to risk Jude pinning him down and searching his body for more signs of drug use. Brandon resisted the urge to punch himself in the face as his nerves twisted and heat pooled in his groin at the thought of being pinned down by Jude and a full body inspection.

Chapter 10

Breakfast was tense. Jude tried to cover for Brandon as Noah lobbed questions at him and rattled on about how he needed a pet turtle. When the nanny came to get Noah to dress for school, Brandon jumped to his feet and fled the dining room. When Jude found him, Brandon was in his office staring out the window.

“Let’s get it over with,” Jude said and Brandon sighed heavily.

“Get what over with?” He asked.

“You’re going to tell me that you’re not pissed at me and that everything’s fine,” Jude predicted as he sat on the edge of Brandon’s desk. Brandon shook his head but didn’t turn.

“I’m not mad at you,” he murmured as he shoved his hands into his pockets. Jude snorted as he picked up the large rock Noah had brought back from one of their hikes.

“You could have fooled me,” Jude said as he watched Brandon’s head fall.

“I’m mostly mad at myself right now,” he explained and was silent for several moments before his head snapped up and he looked over his shoulder at Jude. His brows were pulled together and he looked pensive. “Can I ask you something?” Brandon turned and let his shoulders fall against the glass. Jude held his hands up in invitation.

“When have I ever hid anything from you?” He asked and Brandon’s eyes became distant for a moment before they returned to Jude.

“Don’t you ever worry that all of these random hook-ups are going to blow up on you?” He crossed his arms over his chest and Jude bit his lip as he considered.

“I’m always really careful and you know I get tested every three months,” Jude stated and Brandon shook his head.

“No. I mean, don’t you ever worry about running into these guys and having to face them?” Brandon asked and Jude shrugged.

“I don’t have a dog… So, not really.” He knew he was being obtuse and grinned as Brandon snorted. “I run into someone now and then. We’ll usually do the guy nod and go about our business. Sometimes, we’ll stop and talk about basic things if we feel like there might be some mutual interest in hooking up again. Or, if things are conducive, we’ll hook-up again.” Jude saw a faint frown tug at Brandon’s lips.

“It’s as simple as that?” He asked in disbelief and Jude nodded.

“Generally. We’re guys, Brandon. We’re not very deep creatures and we’re all after the same thing. I make sure I don’t give off the boyfriend material vibe and I leave the poetry at home. Most of the time, I’m only out the cost of a few drinks,” Jude explained and Brandon shook his head.

“That doesn’t get old?” Brandon’s eyes searched Jude’s and for a moment Jude’s chest felt like it was being squeezed and he had to clear his throat to get past the tightness.
Of course it gets old but I don’t really have a choice, do I?
He wasn’t sure what Brandon saw but he flinched. Jude set the rock down and hopped to his feet.

“It serves its purpose. I don’t need some clingy head case making demands. I like my life the way it is,” Jude explained tightly before he strode from the room. He knew he was running from the conversation but he didn’t care. Despite his claim that he had nothing to hide, Jude knew that he was always hiding one very big secret and at that moment, the weight of it was crushing him.