Pushing Send (30 page)

“Yes,” he hisses.

Once in the hall, I look at her questioningly.

“My father is a civil rights attorney, and—”

I follow her eyes and see Hudson jogging down the hallway.

“Way to ease into it, spaz,” Hudson snaps at her.

“Guy’s a dick,” she says when he stops in front of me.

I walk away as they fight. I don’t understand why they kept this from me. I am hurt and offended, to say the least.

I put my tray in the return window at the cafeteria and look at all the people glaring at me.

“Idiots,” I say, as I leave and walk toward the nurse’s office.

When the nurse looks up at me, she looks shocked.

“Will you please call my moth—I mean, father and have him pick me up? I’m not feeling well.”

Her jaw drops as she continues to stare at me.

I repeat myself, beginning to feel shaky. “Will you please call my”—I lean against the wall—“father, my father and have him pick me up. I’m not feeling well.”

“Yes. Yes, of course.”

When Dad picks me up ten minutes later, I tell him everything that happened and that I’m scared to go back. He listens to me and lets me cry.

That night, Bee, Skylar, and Ash show up at my house. When I’m quiet, Ash is apologetic, and I accept it.

“I don’t want any trouble,” I say.

“Then you won’t have any, not one damn minute of it,” Ash says with conviction. “But that place is a freaking joke, and my dad, as much of an ass-hat of a parent as he is, is a damn good lawyer. Bullying is a specialty of his. He’s teaching at Cornell right now, but I know, if you wanted to go after this—”

“But kids are mean, Ash. It happens and—”

“Kids are mean, some parents are idiots, and some adults need to stop getting off on power trips. I agree that the bullying crap needs to stop being overused. It’s like bullying is the new wolf, and people need to realize that. Get a grip, hold yourself accountable, take a step back, and realize your little soap box is not different than the next guy’s. And—”

“You’re overwhelming her,” my father interrupts. “I know your intentions are good, and I agree with ninety-nine percent of what you are saying, but she needs a break. Hads has been through a lot.”

“Understandable.”

“Yeah, we need to get going, anyway,” Bee says, as she comes over and hugs me. Skylar does the same, and then they walk toward the door.

“You mad at me, Hadley?” Ash asks.

“Is this why you became friends with me?”

“I became your friend, ‘cause I get it.”

“Not for your dad?”

“No.”

When they leave, Dad says, “I have three days off. You wanna get out of here?”

“Dad, we shouldn’t waste money.”

“I have a year’s worth of social security checks in an account. They’re yours. Take your old man fishing?”

I shake my head, “They’re not mine.”

“Sure are, Hads.”

~*~

The three days away are nice. We get a little cabin at a state park an hour away and simply take in nature. I also drive, a lot. It is actually fun. JJ meets us out there, too. I don’t think we’ve had a family vacation since I was ten. We are missing Mom, all of us, but I focus on what Pax said to me at her funeral, and I pretended he is right. She is with us the whole time.

I walk into school on a Friday, which is perfect. As Dad pointed out, now I only have today to deal with the crap, then two days to avoid judgment. Well, all judgment except the flies I still need to swat away.

“Oh, wow, you’re here,” Bee says when I walk to my locker.

“Yeah.”

“Hadley, we have an assembly today.”

“Okay.”

“It’s prom weekend, and we have an assembly on drunk driving and a”—she pauses—“memorial service.”

It takes a minute for me to get what she is alluding to.

“You should just go home, Hadley. You should before attendance and—”

“You have homework from your missed days in the office, Miss Asher,” Ms. Rivera says as she walks by.

“Well”—Bee throws her hands in the air—“there goes that.”

“It’s fine,” I tell her.

As soon as the bell rings, an announcement calls all high school students to the auditorium. I walk with Bee, Ash, and Sky, and Hudson falls in behind us.

While we sit and watch the drunk driving videos, I hear snickers and get looks.
Apparently, they all know about my father’s issue
, I think when I see the judgment in the eyes of my peers.

Bee reaches out and holds my hand.

“You’ll be a lesbian in ten seconds,” I warn.

“So what?” she says with a shrug.

The applause from the State Troopers’ presentation dies down as the large screen in the front of the auditorium lights up with a picture of Lana.

I look down. I can’t look at her. It’s a prom picture.

I did her hair. I helped her get ready. I—

Bee squeezes my hand tighter as I close my eyes.

“Two year ago, I stood on this stage with my family to talk to you all about the girl on the screen, my little sister Lana.”

I jump, surprised to hear Pax’s voice. Then his voice makes me want to run.

“Her death was a tragedy, as all deaths are. We grieve, judge, assume, and we can’t see our way out of our own sadness in the midst of grief. But with time comes clarity.” He pauses and clears his throat.

“Lana’s death was of her own doing. Contrary to what many believe, it wasn’t because of a video or bullying. Lana had very deep-rooted, very well hidden psychological issues that were never talked about. Lana’s story has been shoved under the rug. The thought process was that, if it was buried, she could lead a very normal life. She suffered from depression and anxiety that stemmed from being physically abused as a child.”

I hear gasps, and he sighs.

I look up, and he looks at me then quickly away. “Lana is still one of my favorite people in the world. When she was happy, there was such a light surrounding her. It was almost blinding. She loved good people. She was drawn to them, and I know for a fact that she would be all over so many of you for treating Hadley like you have, like we all did. She would have wanted to protect her.”

He rubs his forehead and shakes his head. “I’m getting off track here.” He looks at me. “You know I believe you. You know I did everything I could to help you. You may not understand why, and you certainly didn’t want my help, Hads, but she would have wanted me to help you. And like I said, she was drawn to good people, and you, Hadley Asher, regardless of what these people say about you or think about you, are truly a good person. We all as a community caused you a hell that is unimaginable, and from what I understand, it’s still happening, yet here you are, stuck in the quicksand of judgment, unable to run from it. Hads, I am so sorry.”

I close my eyes.

“There are a few people who should be standing up here. My father, Sondra, and someone else whom I truly believe posted that video, because Hadley dropped her damn phone and didn’t find it until later. I know this because Lana told me she saw her pick it up when she ran out that night. But Lana was so sick that she wasn’t able to think past herself at that point. She sure as hell wouldn’t have killed herself if she wasn’t. She wouldn’t have left me or her friends or her parents.”

He is quiet and so is the room full of people.

“I know this is a memorial service, but there is a lesson to be learned: talk about things before they get too bad, ask for help when you are drowning inside, don’t judge people, don’t assume, just don’t. In the aftermath of all of this, the person you blame is living in a hell that’s surrounded by your lies and assumptions. Hads, you got socially screwed. Society became your tormentor, your judge, your jury, and your executioner. You never—”

Unable to stop myself, I stand and walk toward the back or the auditorium.

Fight or flight? I take flight.

However, when I get outside of the auditorium, my knees begin to shake. Then my body becomes numb, and I try with everything I have to get out of this hellhole. When everything starts spinning, I feel arms surround me, and I hold on as I am carried to the nurse’s office.

I feel myself being laid on the cot, and I open my eyes, expecting Pax.

“You’ll be fine, Hadley,” Hudson says, looking down at me.

“Hadley?” I hear Pax next.

“Dude, just leave her alone for—”

“No, you leave.” He walks to the other side of me and sits down. “They know now, okay? They know, and you can breathe.”

“Pax, you shouldn’t have done that.”

“I had to. I can’t hear that you’re hurting or that they won’t let it go. You deserve to breathe. We all do, Hadley. I can’t let you drown when—”

“She needs to make that decision on her own,” Hudson snaps at him. “Until she decides it’s time, you’re wasting your damn breath.”

“Who the hell is this clown who thinks he knows you?” Pax asks me, as he pushes my hair out of my eyes.

“I was her boyfriend, but was big enough to walk away when I knew she needed to wallow a little more.”

Pax’s head snaps to his left, “You’re the fu—”

“Pax, don’t.” He is losing control, getting angry, and anger will get him in trouble.

“He’s using you to get his daddy’s next big case.”

“That’s bull. She’s hot. I only date hot chicks,” Hudson eggs him on.

“You’re about to be his next goddamned client ‘cause I’m gonna bust—”

“Pax,” I gasp. “What are you doing?”

“He’s trying to make sure his daddy doesn’t get sued. That’s what he’s—”

Pax jumps up, then storms around the cot, grabs his collar, and pulls him up. “Start your media circus somewhere else. No one asked you to be involved in this, and you sure as hell don’t know her, because if you did, you’d know she would never want that kind of attention.”

I try to stand, but fail as Pax pushes Hudson out of the room then closes the door, locking it behind him.

He turns back to me, “Stay away from him.”

“Pax, he isn’t—”

“I am telling you to stay the hell away from him.”

“Pax, I think you need to leave,” I begin, then stop when I see the crushed expression on his face. “I’m not trying to hurt you, and I appreciate everything, but I just want to go home, okay, Pax?”

“You have no idea what you are asking me to do.” He runs his hands through his hair. “You have no idea what it’s been like, Hadley. I am tripping over you, and you’re not even around. I hear the mention of your name, and that’s all I can think about. I—”

“I do know how it feels, Pax, but—”

“Don’t push me away.”

“Then walk away, Pax. I can’t be the reason you—”

“You have become the only reason I am anything.” He sits down and takes my hands. “I am in so deep that it’s hard to breath, Hadley.”

“Don’t,” I say, before the tears dammed up in my eyes give way.

He pulls me into a hug, and I allow it. Hell, I hug him, too.

“Tell me this doesn’t feel right. Tell me it doesn’t feel like—”

I pull back, “Two people brought together by death, Pax?”

“No, I’ve been down that road. I tried to make it the truth even, but it was there before. We’ve talked about it. You felt it, too. You—”

“I’m seventeen years old.”

“I would never push you, never.”

“I know that— I do, Pax—but some of what Hudson said is true. I have so much to figure out.”

There is a knock on the door.

“Go away!”

“It’s the nurse, Mr. Jamison.”

“Call her father,” he snaps.

“You are gonna get in serious trouble because of me, and I can’t take that.”

“I’m in some serious trouble now, Hads. Have been since the lake.”

I look down and shake my head.

“You need to know that I am in—”

No!” I cry. “No, no, no.” I feel my breaths become harder and harder to catch.

“Breathe, Hadley. Breathe. God, I’m so sorry. I just want you to breathe.”

“Paper … bag,” I manage to get out.

He jumps up and yells to the nurse for a bag as he whips open the door.

I am hyperventilating. I feel just like I did at the jail. My body starts to ache, and my muscles begin to cramp. I grab for the bag and pull it to my face, taking in several deep breaths.

“Breathe, just breathe.”

I stare into his eyes as I take deep, painful breaths. I steal their comfort, take in their calm, I snatch it unapologetically like a thief, because I need it. When I have stolen what I need to make the pain go away, I look away, feeling selfish.

“Don’t stop breathing, Hads.”

I take in a few more breaths, looking around. Hudson, the nurse, Bee, Skylar, Ash, the principal—they are all watching me.