Rare (19 page)

“Danni’s got Maggie. They’ll be here soon.”

I let out a shaky breath. I hadn’t even thought about Maggie. “Make sure she’s got her coat on.”

My voice was absent, vacant, almost, but Joe nodded. “Don’t worry about that, okay? Don’t worry about anything ’cept Pete. We’ve got your back, dude.”

Silence fell over us. Joe sat so close I could feel the heat from his body, but he didn’t touch me again. Perhaps he’d learned his lesson the first time. I felt bad about that. Even at my worst, Joe had always been able to touch me.

A doctor came into the room a little while later. He didn’t have much to say, and the confirmation that Pete’s liver was damaged and the surgery was going to take hours didn’t make me feel any better. The nice nurse lingered after he’d gone. She handed us plastic cups of something warm. “Did you stay with him while they put him to sleep?”

“Yes,” she said. “I would have stayed longer, but they kicked me out.”

“This is bad, isn’t it?”

The nurse glanced at Joe. “Internal bleeding of any kind is serious,” she said. “Even if Pete comes through this surgery, he’s got a long road ahead of him.”

If
.

The word resounded in my head as the nurse left, but Joe and I weren’t alone for long. Pete always painted himself as a solitary creature, but gradually, the room filled with people waiting on him. Maggie, Joe, Danni, Mick and his wife, Kate. The room was full then—too full. As soon as I was able, I passed Maggie to Mick and slipped out into the corridor.

It was getting late, and away from the murmured voices and the infuriating beep of Mick’s watch, the hospital was eerie and quiet. I found a couch at the end of the corridor and sat with my head in my hands. I felt better on my own, calmer, at least until my mind began to race again. Then it was all I could do to stay still.

If, if, if
.

The tiny word held so much power. The nurse’s well-meant explanations went over my head, but I understood that word all too well.

What if…. What if…. What if….

I’d wasted too much time over the past twelve months considering how bad my life could get, but as I sat alone in the deserted hospital corridor, my very worst fears had never felt more real. Pete was fighting for his life, and there was every chance he could lose.

I
CAME
around to someone shaking me. Despite feeling more wired than I ever had in my life, I’d dozed off. Startled, I found myself staring into a set of wide gray eyes I’d nearly forgotten.

“
Ellie
?”

“The very same.”

I blinked a couple of times. I hadn’t seen her for weeks, not since she’d been outed to her family and punched in the face by her sister’s boyfriend. My head felt fuzzy as I stared at her, like if I woke up properly she’d disappear again. “What are you doing here?”

“That’s a nice way to greet an old friend.”

She stooped and pushed my hair out of my face. The slight shake of her head told me I looked as bad as I felt. “I don’t understand. How are you here?”

“My dad got a call from a colleague in the city about one of the victims. A woman with some bad burns, I think. He read the accident reports, found out medics from Pete’s unit had been hurt, and made some calls. We jumped on the next flight. I’m so sorry, Ash. I never seem to be here when you need me.”

“Hmm?”

Ellie sighed and held out her hand. Like the fool I was, I let her pull me up and along the maze of corridors until we got to a room that didn’t look like it belonged in a hospital at all.

“My dad’s golf buddies with the chief of staff here,” she said in response to my confusion. “He said we can use this room for as long as you need it.”

“Use it for what?”

“Sleeping. Taking a shower.”

I started for the door. “I can’t be here. The doctor needs to know where to find me.”

Ellie moved, blocking me with her tiny frame. “Ash, honey, they know where you are, and they have my cell number. Just take a shower and clear your head. I’ve left some clean clothes in there for you. I’ve got some food for you when you’re done.”

She folded her arms across her chest. I recognized the determined set of her jaw, though I hadn’t seen it for a long time. I touched her cheekbone. The last time I’d seen her face, it had been battered and bruised. For some reason, my brain expected the wound from Sean’s hand to still be there. I’d hit Sean that night; not enough to really hurt him, but God, I’d wanted to. Was this my punishment? If I’d battered Sean the way I wanted to, would Pete already be dead?

“Ash?”

I dropped my hand. “I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. You’re exhausted, and I know for a fact you’ve eaten nothing but candy bars since you got here. You’re no good to Pete if you’re a wreck. You need some proper food and some sleep. My dad said the surgery will take hours. They know where you are; they’ll come and get you the second anything changes, okay?”

I didn’t feel like eating and my mind was too busy for sleep, but some cold water on my face sounded good. I took the quickest shower known to man. The clothes Ellie had brought were mine—she must have found them at her place—but I came across an old T-shirt of Pete’s at the bottom of the pile. Like most of his favorite clothes, it was soft and worn. I pulled it on without a second thought.

Ellie was waiting with a cup of soup when I emerged from the bathroom. She stood guard while I forced it down, but when I made it clear I wasn’t staying put, she relented and followed me back to the couch I’d been slumped on when she arrived.

“There,” she said softly. “I’ll leave you alone now.”

I caught her hand as she turned to go. “I don’t want you to leave me alone.”

She looked relieved as I pulled her into my lap. “Good,” she said. “Because I missed your funny face. It feels like the whole world has changed since I last saw you.”

I put my arms around her and hid my face in the scarf tied around her neck. My hummed reply was muffled. It sounded more like a groan.

Ellie squeezed my hands. “It’s okay, honey. Everything’s going to be okay.”

I forced my head up to look at her. “I’m all right, El. I… I just need him to be okay.”

“He said the exact same thing to me when you were sick.” She smiled sadly. “That’s how I knew how bad it was, because he’d never have said something like that if he wasn’t so worried about you.”

“I know.”

Guilt washed over me. Ellie caught my face with her hand. “Oh, Ash, I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that you two are so stubbornly in love with each other, you can face anything together.”

The image of Pete crying out in pain danced in front of my eyelids. It was hard to remember the way he’d been just a few days ago—warm and laughing.
If, if, if.
The ache in my chest throbbed.

I changed the subject. “What about you? Is everything okay with your folks?”

Ellie made a face. “Sort of. They feel so guilty that things had to get so bad before I felt able to tell them I was gay. They’ve been taking it out on each other.”

“That can’t be any fun,” I said absently. In the back of my mind I knew I cared, but her voice sounded too far away to be real.

“It’s not, but they’ve been having problems for years. I need to focus on me for a while. On reflection, it was probably silly to keep it from them for so long, especially as I had Charlie lying for me, too, but you live and learn, right?”

I blinked. “Hmm? Charlie? How is he?”

“Ash, do you need to lie down?”

I waved her concern away, but she remained silent. When I tore my gaze from the floor, it was obvious she had something else on her mind. “What’s up?”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s probably the last thing on your mind.”

“I don’t like what’s on my mind.” She bit her lip, maintaining her mutinous silence. I shook myself and leaned forward. “El, say it, please. I could use the distraction.”

“When were you going to tell me Joe is dating your sister?”

Oh.

Somehow, over the past twenty-four hours, I’d managed to separate the girl who brought me candy bars and tea from the reality of the past few weeks. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew her presence bothered me, but I couldn’t seem to remember why.

“I never told you that?”

Ellie tsked. “No, you said your sister barged into your apartment. I figured she’d tracked you down, but Joe told me everything.”

I let out a long breath that turned into an unending yawn. “Sorry, it’s been… intense,” I said for lack of a better word. “It all happened really fast.”

“So I hear. I think Joe’s still in shock.”

I shifted slightly. My overstrung muscles were beginning to ache. “Yeah, well. It’s kind of your fault. I wouldn’t have known who she was if you hadn’t dragged me back to Philly.”

“That’s not how I heard it,” Ellie said. “I heard she knew you the moment she saw you.”

“So she says.”

“You sound suspicious. What’s up with that?”

“
You
sound like Pete.”

And just like that, the brief interlude was over. Reality descended, and with it came a sickening sense of impending doom.

I couldn’t stay still after that. Ellie tried her best to distract me, but eventually, she left me to go and find her father. I made my way back to the room, where everyone else was waiting. Seeing Ellie felt surreal. I’d missed her, but despite the obvious cloud of the accident hanging over us, something else felt off. She seemed different, guarded and closed off. By the time she left, I was shamefully relieved.

The door to Pete’s room squeaked. I slipped back in, every eye on me, but nobody spoke. Danni made room for me between her and Joe on the floor. I sat down without much conscious thought, put my head on Joe’s shoulder, and closed my eyes. I didn’t open them again until finally, sometime in the early hours of the morning, a grim-faced doctor appeared in the doorway.

T
HE
DOCTOR
held up his hands. “Pete is out of surgery,” he said quickly. “He’s in recovery.”

There was an audible sigh in the tiny, packed room, a rippling wave of relief, but it didn’t touch me. The doctor’s expression was tight and grave; he had more to say.

The room settled. He took a breath and went on, “Pete had a small laceration to his liver. It was oozing slowly, so it took a while to stitch it up. We’ve repaired the damage, but he had a rough time on the table. It was touch and go for a while. His blood pressure dropped and we nearly lost him. With his head injury still a serious concern, the next twenty-four hours will be critical.”

I heard only white noise after that. I wondered where I’d been when Pete had nearly died for a second time in as many days. Sitting on the floor, maybe, drinking cold tea that tasted like piss, taking a fucking shower….

Joe shook me. Four men I vaguely recognized from Pete’s firehouse had slipped into the room to stand by Mick. I felt their stares drill holes in the side of my head as the doctor addressed me directly.

“You’re Pete’s partner?”

Was I?

“Yes.”

“Okay.” The doctor gave me a brisk nod. “One of the nurses will take you up to the surgical ward. I suggest the rest of you go home. There’s nothing else you can do tonight, and I won’t be allowing any visitors until the morning.”

And that was that. A few minutes later, I found myself staring at another horrifying mass of tubes and machines. In reality, they were probably exactly the same as the ones attached to Pete before he’d been taken to surgery, but they seemed more imposing this time around.

I approached the bed, my sneakers squeaking on the shiny floor. I winced, like I honestly believed the noise could disturb him.

It didn’t.

I curled my fingers around his limp hand. At first glance he didn’t appear much different, but as I looked closer, I could sense the subtle changes. His skin was cooler and paler, and the periodic twitch in his hand was gone. With the tube forcing air into his lungs, he seemed utterly lifeless.

A doctor I hadn’t seen before appeared beside me. “We’re going to take the ventilator out now. He doesn’t need it.”

“Is that good?”

“It’s normal.”

I stood back from the high surgical bed and watched, anxious, as the doctor pulled the tube from Pete’s throat. The doctor was quick and efficient, like he did it all the time. He didn’t seem worried at all, but for me, the wait for Pete to breathe on his own was endless.

Come on, breathe, Pete, please.

He sucked in a painful, rasping breath. Relief washed over me. I sagged against the wall for moment, but then, like a magnet, I was drawn back to him. I took his hand and squeezed it harder than I’d dared since this nightmare began.

A few hours later, Pete was moved from the surgical department back to ICU. His new room had a bathroom attached, and someone had left a toothbrush and Joe’s favorite old hoodie by the sink. I pulled it on. The hospital was stuffy and warm, but I felt cold to the bone.

I took a seat by Pete’s head. His nurse from the night before—the nice one whose name I couldn’t figure out—came in and lowered the bed. I was surprised at how pleased I was to see her, surprised enough to let her hug me.

“I’m going to kill him myself when he wakes up,” she said conspiratorially. “I couldn’t sleep last night. Ended up starting my shift three hours early.”

“Did you think he was going to die?”

The nurse studied me for a moment, her arm still draped around my shoulders. “I probably shouldn’t say this, but no, I didn’t. I just wanted to be here when they brought him back down. Funny, really; I haven’t seen him for months, but like I said last night, he’s always been one of my favorites.”

“Why?”

“Everyone likes Pete, honey. He has a good soul.”

“You sound like his mom,” I said absently.

A shuddering sound caught my attention. I stood quickly and leaned over Pete, every nerve strained tight enough to snap, but he didn’t wake up. Deflated, I let my head drop. God, I missed him. It had been days and days since I’d heard his voice.