Reaching Out to the Stars (22 page)

I even started to think about all of the fan letters I had written. As Jason was the one and only person I never sent a fan letter to out of fear, I started to think maybe he would have been the most reachable out of any of them. I continued to overanalyze it, realizing that I did things just fine. My interaction with him was probably better than anything I could have dreamed about. Sometimes you don’t need to say anything. Words can be read into, picked apart, and at least I didn’t say anything stupid to him that I regretted afterwards. I think our mutual laughing together was better than anything I could have hoped for, an experience not ruined by words. I always thought of Jason as someone I could laugh with, and he was.

When I started writing my book, I was confused and curious about the meaning of a life of fame. I always had this goal to meet one of my idols, which I now had.

Bryce will probably say to me in the near future, “Are you happy now?” My answer to that question will probably be no. Although he will think that I am just never happy, I am always happy. I just always want to strive for happier. In the words of Jason, “When you need a little less or you want a little more…that’s what I’m here for.”

To meet Jason again may just have the same turn out, but right now I could have that experience every day of my life and it would never get old. What is life without something to always look forward to? It would be boring if we always found complete satisfaction.

I am very satisfied with my everyday life, my husband and my family. I would not know what to do without them. As the realism of the fans world may seem a little crazy, it’s always been my quirkiness.

As I was listening to the lyrics of my new Michael Castro downloads, I really found myself connecting to the lyrics, “There’s no such thing as a perfect stranger.” This is truly reality but it does not always change the way we fantasize. Although my real fantasies would be a “beautiful mistake,” two people who really don’t even know each other just laughing together is a beautiful reality.

I know that I will always have to put up with people, sometimes the ones who are the closest to me, always thinking that I’m a big weirdo, not really getting it. I am proud to know that I have no secrets and that this is just me. People will have to love me for who I am, take it or leave it.

I have no shame in the truths of being a fan. Any fan will tell you that there is nothing that keeps us going than the inspiration of the unknown, the exciting, or the impossible.

Regardless of what anybody says, there is no shame in reaching out to the stars. Whether it’s a person who inspires us to dream a little, or a goal in which we dream to achieve great things.

2010

Jason Castro Red Room Café

Boston, MA

Chapter 21

Live & Learn: What Lies Beneath an American Idol Dream

Live and learn” is probably one of the most important and true clichés describing this journey called life.

I had a breakthrough today on this seventeenth day of November; the four year anniversary of my grandmother’s passing.

Her anniversary is technically on the eighteenth but just before midnight on the seventeenth, four years ago, I heard her speak to me, letting me know that she was alright. Therefore, personally, the day stands out to me more substantially.

During my daily two mile walk, which has been a recent priority since June, I was once again absorbed in lyrics while I was listening to my iPod. Sugarland’s “Something More” seemed to summarize my life at the present moment, as I was still soul searching.

As my iPod continued to play, “Life don’t go quite like you planned it, we try so hard to understand it, the irrefutable indisputable totally beautiful fact is…shit happens.” Sugarland…isn’t that the truth?

I was going through what I considered to be one of the most difficult times of my life. For a while, I had been feeling a lull in the excitement in my life. The fulfillment of my dreams came to a halt or a waiting game, and at the same time I was grieving the loss of a friend.

The night before, I went to bed and what started out as a vivid dream ended in awakening me from a terrible nightmare. The dream began with this man entering my life out of nowhere. I could not identify him other than the fact that he had amazing brown eyes and a pair of perfectly chiseled arms that were better than Danny Gokey’s. He continually referred to me as “Sweet lips” and kept reminding me that he was drawn to my warm personality and that I made him “Smile.” He drew me in with his eyes and through his expressions of feeling. He seemed to have an overwhelming control over me like I felt possessed when I was in or out of his presence. Our connection was strong and a feeling of happiness was guaranteed, deeper feelings overshadowing everything else going on around us at the moment. We enjoyed the simplicity of each other’s company through a quick connection in personality, a mutual feeling of thinking we had known each other forever.

All of a sudden, like the flick of a switch, he went from looking at me with stars in his eyes to not looking at me at all. I had never showed myself to be anyone but someone who cared for him from beginning to end but on his end, it was like he was two different people. One who truly cared for me versus one who respected me so little as a person that he dismissed me instantly. It was like an emotional roller coaster. One moment I was on an unbelievable high and then I was in a downward spiral, out of control, suddenly running off the track, crashing and exploding.

I sat up in bed, real tears streaming down my cheeks with an actual feeling of true heartache, I couldn’t understand the true meaning of this dream. In truth, there were several interpretations.

I started to revisit my whole purpose of who I am as a person and what I wanted out of life. I asked myself, “What is your goal?”

Once again, I turned inward. I then realized at that very moment that there was more to my American Idol dreams than I was admitting…that what lies beneath those American Idol dreams may be a greater truth about the person I am, who I was and what I really wanted and or needed out of life. So what was at the root of it all?

As I was walking, feeling down by those three realizations; a lull in the excitement in life, a delay in the fulfillment of a dream, and grieving the loss of a friend through a betrayal. I then realized the dream I had was related to all three.

The dream started off with passion, a spark, a feeling of newness, excitement. All of those things that I spoke about that eventually disappear when you are in a long lasting relationship. What you are left with is the more important of the two but a lot of times women feel that they don’t need the other piece, that they are content without it, or are they?

Had I been venting this missing piece that may be important to me through my idol obsessions? Was it all connected? I didn’t know this person in my dream any better than I knew Clay Aiken or Jason Castro, both who at one time I had a strong physical attraction to which provided me with that passion and excitement that I craved through fantasy. Were my idol obsessions and fantasies, masqueraded by musical ability through my passion for music, an outlet for that spark that was absent… something that you can never get back because it eventually fades in any relationship as things change?

The difference was that even though I created a fantasy in this dream, it was more like an actual reality. This person who I fell for was not a musician or even musically inclined and instead of indulging through a pair of hypnotizing blue eyes, I was absorbed in a seductive pair of brown eyes. I realized how easy it could be to replace my Jason Castro with an average Joe. Instead of a long awaited response from a fan letter, I was receiving mutual responses to mutual generated feelings where the safety and innocence was gone. This beautiful mistake actually scared me. I began to become more open minded about how things can happen and how easy it can be to get pulled into a situation, finding and channeling excitement through an unhealthy outlet without even knowing it. This is especially true for those people driven by feelings and heart. Situations are not always as black and white as people chose to see them. I realized how important it is to not be judgmental, unless you are perfect, and nobody is.

I realized that in any obsession there is something deep rooted that lies within a person that provokes these feelings. Everyone’s experiences and reasons are different but it is all relevant. I realized that it is alright to have obsessions, as long as you realize what is at the root of it. If you are not aware of it, it can disrupt life as you know it and the things you hold dear to your heart.

I realized why the depression occurred whenever a concert was over due to the fact that the feeling of excitement ended and I never wanted it to. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that I never really knew my idols, that “Sometimes we thank God for unanswered prayers,” as spoken by Garth Brooks.

My interaction with Jason Castro was exactly what it should have been, no words exchanged and nothing involved but a simple feeling of excitement to be kept alive by not having it all the time.

In the time I signed a contract with an agent to move forward toward my dream of publishing a book, putting my dream at the tips of somebody else’s fingertips with nothing but time on my hands, in those months I met a friend whom I lost four months later.

Like the dream, I was dealing with the loss of someone who I genuinely enjoyed in my life along with the acceptance of her betrayal as she found herself in an uncomfortable position in a particular situation.

Sometimes when you fear something enough it’s easier to let another person take the fall because in humanity, people will go to extreme measures to protect that “something” that means the most to them. I knew what that was because she felt close enough to me to share those things and trust me with them.

I believe that sometimes in life, people will deal with a situation in the best way they know how and even though it may lack sense, everyone has their own way of reasoning and rationalizing.

There are also times in our life when we can look back on a situation and ask ourselves, How could I fall for that or how could I be that naïve? Then there are also times in our lives when we can distinguish between what was real from what was not because no one can be that good of an actress.

Along with the hurt and betrayal, I had to overcome the harsh reality that a person that I held in such high regard could actually be one of the weakest people I had ever met, and that inner strength substantially exceeds the physical strength of a person. It’s called accountability, being honest, having enough character to admit that you’re human and growing from experience.

I know that people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime but what role did my friend play? Always having a habit of associating myself with people who were unhappy, and always wanting to save the world and need to be needed, I wondered if I felt that I needed to save my friend from her own unhappiness and that she needed me. In some respects, I think that was very true but I knew that was not the root of it. In truth, nobody can save the world, nor can you save a person who deep down is in fear of being saved.

I started to realize that every experience in life is a learning experience, good or unpleasant. I started to feel that maybe I could move forward by holding on to the good memories, never regretting anything that made me smile, and the unpleasant ones would eventually make me stronger. I guess everyone has to have a Judas in their life somewhere along the way. In accepting the fact that my friend will never be a part of my life, I wish her well in hers, as hurt and angry as

I may be. Finding it difficult to heal from, it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but an entire life to forget them.

No truer words were spoken than these by Richard Back. “There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn, whatever steps we take, they’re necessary to reach the places we’ve chosen to go.”