Reason to Believe (White Lace) (18 page)

“Leave the party? Or the job?” I asked.

“Leave the party.” She had finally let go of her brother, who was now tilting back his head so the blood would stop flowing from his nose. “I don’t know about the job. I’m…” She crossed her arms over her chest, lowering her head, staring at the floor. “Please, just leave.”

She couldn’t even look me in the eye. She couldn’t bear the sight of me. It was probably a fair guess that soon I’d be leaving this job as well.

Ben’s big hand wrapped around my elbow and he guided me to the coat check. We retrieved our things in silence and then walked out of the restaurant.

“Grace?” I froze when I heard Marta’s voice behind me. I had hoped that I’d be able to walk out of here without having to face anyone. I turned, barely able to look her in the eye. I was sure she’d heard it all—and even if she hadn’t, there wasn’t any gossip that got past her. And my revelation was probably the most shocking gossip this company would ever see.

Marta had become a friend. More than just an acquaintance I had expected to make in the workplace. I would miss her. When I finally got the courage to look up, she was smiling at me.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” was all she said.

I smiled back. Thankful that at least Marta didn’t think the worst of me.

Ben and I walked to his car in silence, and it gave me time to think about what had just gone down. I should be devastated. I should be humiliated. And I was. My worst nightmare had just become a reality—but, really, the only thing I could think about was Ben.

He’d come to my rescue, even though I didn’t need him to. He’d defended me, even though I needed no excuses for my past.

Now he opened the car door for me and I lowered into the seat. Before he shut the door, I whispered, “Ben?”

When I looked up, there was a strange expression on his face. I wasn’t sure if it was worry, or sadness, or irritation. I had no idea what was going on in his head. And that scared me to death. Especially now that I had just admitted to myself that I was falling in love with him.

“Can I stay with you tonight?”

“Grace.” He reached out, rubbing the back of his fingers across my cheek. “I didn’t plan on taking you anywhere else but right to my bed.”

He closed the car door and for the few moments it took him to get into the car, I sat in complete silence, my ears ringing slightly at the loss of background noise.

Ben Lockwood was my knight in shining armor. He’d been right in front of my face this whole damn time.

As soon as we got to his house, Ben rushed out of the car to unlock the front door, but instead of granting me entry, he picked me up and carried me over the threshold.

“Ben!”

He kicked the door behind him with ease, as if he’d done this a thousand times before. He carried me into his bedroom, gently laying me on the mattress. The gray sheets still ruffled from when we’d left them this morning. I turned my face into them, the material still smelled like Ben—fresh and a bit musky. Whatever aftershave he wore did me in every time.

He prowled over me and I couldn’t stop it, the gratitude escaping from my lips. “Thank you, Ben. I can’t even—”

He pressed one finger against my lips. “You never have to pretend with me, Grace. None of it matters.” His finger lowered, along my chin and down my neck into my cleavage.

Three weeks ago, I would have laughed if someone had told me it would be the man who didn’t believe in love who would help me realize the woman I wanted to be. Who would show me that it was okay to be myself, whoever that may be.

Ben Lockwood was the man who’d taught me to enjoy the moment. And I never wanted this one to end.

But if we were going to do this, I needed more from him. This time, he wasn’t keeping me at a distance. This time he was
not
going to look away.

“Do you trust me?” I whispered as his finger circled my nipple over the fabric of my dress.

He nodded.

I shimmied out from under him and walked over to his closet, picking up the only tie he owned, the one we’d picked out together to match his new suit.

When I returned to the bed he looked genuinely confused.

“Grace?”

I shuffled him across the mattress until he was diagonal. The headboard didn’t have bars or slats, so I had to improvise and tie him to the leg of the end table.

“What are you doing with that tie?”

I slid the tie around his wrists. “You said you trust me. Just go with it, please.” I tugged on the silk, making sure it was sufficiently locked in place.

I wasted no time taking off his pants and boxers. There was no seduction. No foreplay. I didn’t even offer a playful twinkle in my eye before I tugged them from his body.

I slipped out of my dress, letting the fabric fall forward and down my arms, then tugged at my waist until it pooled around my feet. I slipped out of my pantyhose and panties, then my bra, but I put my black stilettos back on, just for the hell of it.

Ben tested the tie holding him in place and the nightstand banged against the bed and wall. “Are you going to untie me?”

I held out my finger, moving it back and forth, letting him know I had zero intention of untying him. Not until I was done with him. Not until he looked me in the eye while I moved on top of him.

I crawled onto the bed, loving the way he took in the sight of me. His breathing had quickened, and the closer I got, the more his arms tensed and pulled at the tie. When I finally straddled him, sliding my center over his thick erection just to tease him, he groaned, bumping me with his pelvis.

“Tease.”

I bit my bottom lip and grinned and that action caused him to rear up, but he didn’t get far, the tie holding the top half of his body in place. “Bring that mouth down here and let me show you how much that lip bite turns me on.”

I smiled, loving the control I had over him at this moment. And I loved even more that I didn’t listen to his request. Instead, I slid down his cock, my head falling back on a gasp and moan, making my back arch, my breasts jutting out toward him. It only made him pull at the ties again.

I placed my palms on his chest and rode him. Slowly. Seductively. Rocking back and forth across his pelvis for my ultimate pleasure. But the entire time, his head was to the side. His jaw was tight, the muscles working overtime to contain his emotions.

So I curled my fingers, digging into his chest, knowing that I’d leave marks. He yanked his arms again, still not looking at me.

“Every time you jerk your arms you only make the knot tighter.”

I spread my hands wide, leveraging myself so I could raise all the way up then lower back down. He groaned, his stomach muscles rippling underneath my hands. I reached out, wrapping my hand around his neck, choking him, forcing his head to remain straight so that he had no other option but to look at me. Still, he closed his eyes tight.

“Look at me, damn it.”

He didn’t.

“Please. Look at me.” There was a hiccup to my voice, the result of trying to stifle the tears from falling.

It must have been enough, because finally he looked at me, deep into my eyes as I rode him.

He growled when I did a subtle swirl of my pelvis, pulling at the restraint again. This time, he was too strong. The nightstand smashed, toppling over on its side, freeing the tie from the leg. The knot was still tight, but it didn’t stop him from reaching out with his hands, still tied together, and kneading my breasts.

His need to touch me wrenched something loose inside my chest, but I knew his actions were a means for him to hide. To be free of the intimacy of our connection.

I gasped when he reared up, pounding inside me. I linked my hands behind his neck and drew him closer, pressing my lips to his. “Please don’t turn me around,” I whispered. His lips were salty from sweat, the taste mingling with the lingering lime on my tongue from my drinks. “I need to see you.” He pounded into me again, three strong pumps that had me holding on for dear life and squeezing him closer. “I need you to see me.”

His hands found the back of my head and he gently rubbed it as best he could while still being tied.

“Untie me.”

I shook my head. If I untied him it would be over. He’d go back to keeping me at a distance, and this time I didn’t think I could push it aside. This time, I couldn’t take it, not when I wanted so much more.

“Do you trust me?” he asked.

I had asked the same of him only minutes ago, and he’d complied. Now it was my turn to prove I could do the same.

I nodded and did as he’d asked and undid the silk tie while we were still connected in the most intimate way. Finally, with his hands free, he grabbed my cheeks and pulled me close, smashing his mouth down on mine.

My heart stopped. And so did the rest of the world. I sank into the kiss. Let him take me under. Because this was the perfect moment. I felt everything with this kiss. Every fear, every insecurity, every desire. I felt how much he wanted me. Without him even having to say it, and I hoped that he felt the same with my kiss.

With one swift movement, I was on my back, Ben hovering over me, his eyes locked with mine. I’d trusted him, and he’d proven worthy of it.

With our hands on either side of my head, he held himself up as his cock thrust steady, deep strokes inside me. I let my hands slide down his slick chest, over his tight abs and the sexy trail of hair that led to the hard shaft that was giving me exactly what I needed.

His fingers tickled my hair at the top of my head and with each stroke I climbed higher. With each moment, I got closer to the edge. He hadn’t looked away since we’d changed positions, and the connection between us at this moment had become too much. He’d given me exactly what I’d wanted, and I couldn’t follow through.

I looked away, shutting my eyes tight. But he didn’t let me. His hand pressed against my chin and he brought my face forward.

“This is what you wanted,” he whispered, then let out a groan as he slammed into me. “Look at me, Grace.”

With a shaky breath, I opened my eyes. He smiled down at me as he ground his pelvis against me, his cock so hard and deep. I gasped in pleasure.

“Somehow I get lost in that sea of green every time I look into them.” Trusting that I wouldn’t look away again, he lowered his hand, squeezing my left breast on his way to my clit, and massaged the area.

I cried out. The extra touch was exactly what I needed to break through the abyss. I came clutching his back, my fingernails digging deep into his skin. He came a moment later, groaning against my shoulder in between whispers of my name.

Three words were on the tip of my tongue. They were the only three words I could string together, but I wouldn’t say them. I wasn’t going to be the one to ruin things between us. And that’s exactly what those words would do. Ben had told me that things would end badly. But right now I didn’t want to believe it. On Monday, though, he’d do his second speech, kill it…and we’d go our separate ways.

Or so I’d like to believe. I had to believe it. I didn’t have any other choice but to walk away. I was looking for something that Ben could never give me.

And I couldn’t afford any more stupid decisions.

The theater-style classroom was packed with students. I didn’t blame them. I’d want a front row seat to watch the pimp crash and burn for a second time. But that wasn’t happening tonight. This time I was prepared. This time I was confident in my abilities.

I had Grace to thank for that.

Saturday night had confirmed something I had been trying to deny. I was falling in love with her. I was probably already in love with her. And it had nothing to do with our sordid pasts. My love for her was rooted in the present, in the comfortable way we fit together, in and out of bed. It might have started out as an attraction, but my feelings for her had developed so fast and so deep, I had no choice but to believe it was love. Because it was something I’d never felt before.

I’d had an uneasy feeling the moment I saw her with her douchebag co-worker. I had overheard part of their conversation before I’d interrupted, and for a split second I thought she was flirting. But the moment I breached the space and she turned to look at me, I knew those words were only meant to placate. I’d hated myself for thinking so badly of her, but it had proven my point a million times over. This woman was skilled in telling any man exactly what he wanted hear. In this case, she wanted far away from him, but the intention was still the same. How could I ever trust her to tell me how she truly felt?

Of all the women in the world I had to pop my love cherry, it was this one. The one who after today, would be done with her duty, and this fun we’ve been having would be over.

As I waited at the front of the classroom for the session to begin, I had one eye on the door and the other on the students.

Cory was in the front row, talking to an attractive girl with blond hair. He was a great kid and any girl would be lucky to have him. I continued to watch him as he shied away, so uncomfortable in his actions. It was fascinating how different the two of us were, yet exactly the same.

Despite my best efforts, my confidence was a show. One that had taken a neglectful mother and years of low expectations to perfect. But Cory wasn’t that kid. He didn’t have to be that kid. Because he was great just as he was. He didn’t need to pretend to be anyone else.

But that didn’t mean he couldn’t use a little nudge.

I walked up to him, tapping his shoulder.

“Amie wants to know if you want to hook up after her shoot.” This girl would interpret “hook up” to mean whatever she wanted. I was hoping sex. “Should I tell her you’re available?” I held out my phone as if I’d just received a text.

Cory’s mouth practically hit the floor, but he recovered quickly. “Sure.” He cleared his throat. “Tell Amie I would love to hook up.”

He turned with a wide smile, the girl he was talking to suddenly went from mildly interested to wildly enthusiastic about their conversation.

Game. Set. Match.

As I walked away, I heard her ask for his number.

I returned to the podium, turning to face the audience, and as if our bodies were connected, I felt Grace enter the room without even seeing her. When I looked up, my entire body relaxed, some kind of easiness washing over me.

I had tried so hard to keep a distance between us, to keep myself from getting attached to another woman who was just going to leave me high and dry as soon as the novelty of me had worn off. But she was here. Just as she’d promised. Just like I knew she would be.

But then she stopped. Instead of taking her seat in the corner, she stared down at her phone.

My stomach tensed. I hated when she looked at her phone. I had no idea who was reaching out. Was it Everly? Was it Sadie? She put it to her ear, and from the front of the classroom I saw her face grow pale. Her eyes didn’t search me out. She just turned, her auburn hair whipping behind her, and walked away.

What the hell had just happened? Was she gone for good? Did she simply need some privacy for a call? The fact that she hadn’t even looked me in the eye made me suspicious. I had thought our time last night had solidified something between us. But she had just proven that I had been right all along. Women were unreliable. Women were in it for themselves. And it was high time I came to terms with the fact that there was no one out there who would put me first.

I was on my own.

“Mr. Lockwood?”

Suddenly I was no longer calm and collected. My insecurity rose up like bile in my throat and threatened to choke me.

Please, please choke me so I don’t have to do this again.

I stepped behind the podium, my suit cutting off my circulation. Before I even began to speak, my voice echoed in the classroom, only it wasn’t my voice. Not my real voice. Someone was playing the video from my last appearance. But lucky me, they’d looped it and set it to music.

Laughter filled the room.

They were having fun at my expense.

And then I looked up at the back of the room, there was my best friend. Max stood in the doorway, a determined look on his face, and I knew without even exchanging words he was urging me to move forward. Supporting. The one person in my life I could always count on. He’d moved on. He’d become successful. He was doing something he loved. He was running a hotel. And what the hell did he know about running a hotel?

I owed it to him. I owed it to myself. To be the man I was. And right now that was a man who directed porn.

These students might think I have zero talent and no creativity simply because I choose to direct porn instead of traditional film or television.

Screw these little bastards. I was gifted. I was talented as fuck.

I didn’t need Grace—or any woman, for that matter—to make me believe it. And tonight I was going to prove it.

I lifted my chin, taking in the nameless faces in the crowd. A murmur had settled in the room and I used the disinterest to my advantage. I moved the podium to the side of the riser, took off my suit jacket and tie, rolled up my sleeves. And when I looked down at myself, I pulled my shirt out of my pants, letting it fall in a wrinkled mess. I even released my hair from the bun and let it fall over my eyes.

I took a deep breath.

“My name is Ben Lockwood and I work for the adult entertainment production company White Lace.”

Five hands shot up to ask questions, but I held up my hand, signaling them to wait.

“We’ll take questions at the end. First you’re going to listen.”

Today I was going to be myself. The person Grace had told me
not
to be.

“I came here ready to defend myself, because that’s usually what I have to do. It’s what I had to do last time. I’m sure you’ve all seen it online. The session was a hot mess.
I
was a hot mess.”

There was laughter in the crowd.

“Last time I was trying to be someone I’m not. I am a college dropout who got lucky. I might have talent, but how far I could go, I have no idea. How far I want to go, I have no idea. I might have a full-time job. I might make money, and some of you might think I am the luckiest guy in the world, but I’m stumbling around half-blind, trying to find my way just like everyone else.”

My hands gripped the sides of the podium and I tried hard to drown out the pounding of my heart against my chest.

“You’ve already got more education than I do. My knowledge comes from experience. And I can tell you that I’ve learned probably more from Cory than he’s learned from me.”

I smiled at the kid and he blushed. Agreeing to have him intern with me had been the best decision I’d made since becoming vice president. The plans he had for his own future had opened my eyes to the possibilities I had for mine.

“I love making movies. I got lucky with porn—no pun intended. My best friend’s dad owns White Lace and pretty much after we graduated from high school we both started working there. But I’ve been making movies my entire life. Aliens. Cops and robbers. Re-enactments of
Harry Potter.
” The group laughed. “Don’t laugh. It was good practice for when I filmed a XXX version.” They laughed again.

“But it doesn’t matter what you film. Documentaries. Hollywood blockbusters. Porn. We all want the same thing—to evoke emotion. We want someone to feel what we put on-screen.”

I threaded my fingers through my hair, pulling it back. My forehead was sweaty, the glaring lights at the front of the classroom didn’t help my nervousness.

“I already know what you’re thinking. Easy. Penis plus vagina plus thrust equals feeling. And yes, that’s true, but I like to think my work has a little more nuance. I don’t like close-up shots of penetration.” With a grin, I thrust my index finger through the hole I’d made with my other hand. “It’s the facial expressions, the noises, the touching, all the stuff that turns people on in real life, that’s what I love filming.”

“So girl porn?” the kid in the second row shouted out. The girl beside him smacked him with the back of her hand.

“Not showing close-ups doesn’t make something female-friendly.”

“Well, I want the close-ups.” He snickered, and I saw a few other male heads bob in agreement.

“To each his own, which is why White Lace has several different lines, catering to all tastes. I’m lucky that I only have to film what I like. I get to stick to my vision. Which is the whole point of directing. You have a script or an idea for a scene and you need to get your actors to make that vision come alive.”

If Cory learned nothing from me, I hoped he at least took that to heart.

“I still get anxiety every time one of my scenes is published online. I still get nervous every time I call ‘action.’ Because it’s natural. I might talk a good game, but I’m just as scared about being criticized. When you work in a creative field, whether it’s film, or writing, or singing, or acting, the same rules apply. You pour a bit of your soul into every project, whether you want to or not. And I know it’s a little hard to believe, considering I film porn for a living, but it’s not. The only difference between a sex scene in a romantic comedy and one in porn is that you see the actual sex in porn. It’s still intimate.”

That might be a stretch, but I believed it. And so did that journalist.

“Working in porn, most people think it’s amusing. A lot of people think it’s disgusting. Immoral. Unethical. Dirty. But really, it’s just a business. Stereotypes are a nasty thing, and most of you had pigeonholed me as soon as I walked into the room. But let me tell you, whatever stereotypes you have about me, or this business, get rid of them. They will not serve you well.”

I looked over at Professor Hughes. She smiled, a tiny twinkle of something in her eye, like she was proud of me.

“But enough about me. I came here to answer your questions. How about it?”

A male lifted his hand in the middle of the room and despite my good intentions, my stomach twisted. What would it be this time? Child abuse? Exploitation? Sexually transmitted diseases?

“How are sites like Pornhub affecting your bottom line? Do you think free online porn is going to bankrupt the industry?”

Immediately, my eyes found Max, who chuckled and shook his head in the back of the classroom. An insightful question. A real question.

“It’s definitely changed the game. Actors are making lower wages. Companies are having to cut costs, shoot fewer feature films. But bankrupt? No. It’s about being adaptable. There are still millions of people who prefer to get their porn right from the source, and our online membership has doubled over the last five years.”

Boom. Nailed it.

“How do you feel about individual porn stars branching out and creating their own websites, with memberships of their own?”

“The better a star can brand themselves, the more money everyone makes. Large corporations have to worry about their bottom line. Individuals can go all-in on themselves. They can take chances that companies like White Lace can’t. If it pays off, everyone wins.”

Question after question was asked, all of them poignant and well thought out. At one point, I looked over at Cory, who just shrugged, flashing me a goofy grin. I couldn’t help but wonder if he had anything to do with the caliber of questions.

Before I knew it, Professor Hughes was calling time. I had filled an entire hour. But before she sidled me off the podium, I wanted to say one last thing.

“So hopefully one of you filmed this and will put it on YouTube, because if there is one thing I can say to you, if there is one thing I’ve learned, it has nothing to do with being a director. Be yourself, and that will shine through in your film. It will shine through in everything you do.”

This time I got applause as I walked away from the podium.

My chest swelled.

Professor Hughes held out her hand and I shook it. I had impressed her. That nervous crook to her mouth was now gone and had turned into a full-blown smile.

I had done it. And I’d stayed true to myself. I had done it, without Grace.

I wasn’t sure where we were going from here. We still had to see each other, because our best friends were in love. But now that this session was over, we had no reason to interact. And it was for the best. I’d gotten caught up in her promises. Shame on me.

She’d walked out. Walked away from me, just as I’d feared. At least now I knew where I stood, in exactly the same spot I’d been before we started this game.

Alone. With no expectations.

And from where I was standing, it was the safest place to be.