Reckless Radiance (23 page)

“Is everything okay, Valerie? I’ve noticed you in here quite a bit throughout the week. If you ever need to talk, I’m a pretty good listener.” A deep breath filled her lungs and she felt the words come out of her mouth before she had time to mull them over.

“Do you believe in angels?”

Pastor Clemens’ brow lifted momentarily before he began nodding. “Well, yes. I do believe in angels. Why do you ask?”

She looked him over for a moment. Would he believe her? Or would he give her parents the tip to have her committed? Even if he did believe her, it wouldn’t matter.

“Because I do. Is it all right if I stay here a little longer?” she asked.

His caring smile warmed her and he nodded again. “Stay as long as you want. You’re always welcome here.”

Though prayer had become comforting and the church had given her hope on days when she felt completely lost, hearing Pastor Clemens tell her she was welcome filled her with the kind of peace she’d felt emanating from Russell. For the first time she accepted the idea of him not returning but remaining in her heart instead.

***

Valerie looked up at the multi-colored glow of the Christmas tree and felt an absent smile on her lips. Wrapping paper was strewn around the floor in front of the tree as every gift had been opened and everyone’s wishes had been granted.
All but one
. She pulled her flannel-pajama-clad knees to her chest and looked at her father already asleep in the recliner and stifled a laugh. The television on the other side of the room was playing
It’s A Wonderful Life
and again Valerie’s heart stung with the thought of him.

December brought such a change in her. She was about to start school, living on her own—sort of, and had even been looking into part time jobs. Everything she did was in effort to move on. To heal. Some days were easier than others. She continued her frequent visits to the church and had even found comfort visiting Gabriel’s grave.

She sighed and pulled herself off the carpet. Her brother, crawling on his belly under the Christmas tree, caught her eye. “Justin, what the heck are you doing?” she laughed. He groaned and stretched his arm deep under the tree knocking off two ornaments in the process. “There’s … one … more,” he said, struggling to reach whatever he had his eye on.

Justin shimmied his way out from under the tree with a victorious smile plastered on his face and a red and white stripped box in his grasp. She watched as he scanned the package for its tag and when his face fell a little bit her mother’s voice came from behind her. “That isn’t yours,” she snapped, taking the package from Justin’s hands. He didn’t object, he simply looked at Valerie with solemn eyes. She shot her mother a look and reached for the box. In her hands the candy-cane paper looked like the other gifts they’d doled out that evening but when she saw the tag, her heart sank.

“It was just in case,” he mother said. Valerie swiped her fingers over Russell’s name on the sticker with Santa’s jolly smiling face and bit her bottom lip.

“Mom …” she started.

Her mother looked ashamed and hung her head. “That was really sweet of you,” Valerie said, touching her mother’s shoulder. Valerie put the box back under the tree and sent up another prayer for Russell’s wellbeing. She walked into the kitchen and served herself another piece of pumpkin pie with a generous squirt of whipped cream piled on top. She took the first bite over the kitchen sink and let a single tear slip down her cheek. Christmas Eve had always been her favorite and she wasn’t going to let anything ruin it. Sure, it was hard without him. It was hard not knowing his fate but there would always be Christmases and holidays without him. There would always be a reason to buy him a gift or want to tell him something funny about her day. Tomorrow the last gift under the tree would be just another thing she wrote about in her journal. It would be just another sliver of the story of him.

She sighed and wiped the tear from her chin. And one day the slivers would stop. One day her mother would lose hope for his return and one day her friends would stop asking about him. He’d be forgotten and the journal would collect dust or turn into a source of scrap paper for reminders and recipes.

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” her mother said, putting a hand on her daughter’s back. Valerie turned at her mother’s touch and swallowed a second bite of pie. She shook her head and forced a smile.

“I know. I’m not upset. It was a nice thing to do,” Valerie said.

Her mother gave her a knowing look. “You’re not upset, huh? The whipped cream mountain says otherwise,” she teased. Valerie smirked and stabbed at the creamy pie again, taking another bite.

“You can tell me, you know,” her mother said. Valerie stared at her mother for a long moment and sighed heavily. She wanted to tell her. She wanted someone that would understand.

“You wouldn’t believe me,” she whispered.

Her mother chuckled softly and titled her head to one side while gazing at her daughter. “He walked into the woods and disappeared, Val. He didn’t take a car and you didn’t drive him to the bus station. I’ve already figured out that the truth my take a very open mind.”

Valerie smiled and wiped at her eyes again. The tears welled up faster than she realized hearing her mother’s conjecture.

“You have no idea,” Valerie muttered.

Her mother’s mouth twisted then smoothed into a sweet smile. “If you ever want to let it all out, you can.”

Valerie sat her plate on the counter and pulled her mother into an embrace whispering her thanks in her hair. Each woman whispered their love for the other while they held each other and finally Valerie pulled back to look into her mother’s glistening eyes.

“So what did you get him?” Valerie asked.

Her mother looked sheepish but cracked a smile. “It’s just a sweater … it’s lime green,” she laughed. Valerie pictured Russell in a sherbet-colored sweater and covered her mouth to quiet the cackle that escaped her lips. Maybe his memory wouldn’t fade. He’d already left such an impression on her family. Maybe there’d be mentions of Russell for years to come.

Chapter Thirty Four

He lifted his eyes and squinted at the brightness assaulting his vision. His hand rose to shade whatever beam was pointed at him and finally he blinked enough to look around. A deep breath filled his chest with cold air and he noticed the cotton-like flakes of snow falling around him, landing on the dark wool of his coat.

His hands brushed the fabric he wore and he watched the snow melt at his touch. His brain was clouded by the thought that the sensation he felt on his hands was new to him. A thumping started in his chest and his stomach pitched with excitement. But he had absolutely no idea why.

He let his eyes scan the area around him. He was standing on the sidewalk of a small town and as the snow continued to fall around him, he suddenly felt a wave of confusion. His feet started moving and he let himself survey the area but nothing looked familiar. Glancing to his right he looked in through smudged glass at a small handful of people eating. As if on cue, his stomach rumbled. Again, he had the strange feeling that each physical sensation he had was new. He knew that his feet moving him along was called walking, he knew that his stomach making noises meant he needed to eat but somehow it all felt like the first time.

He couldn’t explain it and he had no one to explain it to him. He walked through the doors of the restaurant and looked around.

“Just one?” a tall, graying man asked as he picked up a plastic coated menu. He nodded, unable to find words, and was led to a table. When he sat he felt something offsetting his balance in the chair. He reached back and pulled the object from his back pocket.

The black leather wallet felt warm in his fingers. Relief flooded him and he opened the billfold flipping through its contents hurriedly. In the largest pocket of the wallet he found twenty seven dollars in cash. Next he found a pale blue card with a name and a nine digit number on it.
Russell Alexander Engel.
He pulled out the only other things in the wallet, an ID card with his photo, the same name and an address he didn’t recognize and a piece of paper with another address written on it.

“Hi there. What can I get for ya?”

He looked up and saw the petite woman with short black hair and brown eyes. She was waiting for him to speak with a perfect smile on her face. He blinked a few times and the memory hit him like an electric volt shooting through his mind.
Hi there, my name’s Valerie. What can I get you?
Her face flashed in his head over and over again. Her smiles, her tears, her laughter, her kiss—it all came back to him in a matter of instants. A shudder rolled through his body and he met the now concerned gaze of his waitress.

“Coffee, please,” he uttered.

She nodded and walked away. Russell let his head sink into his hands as more came back to him. He tried with all of his might to remember anything before sitting down in Penny’s Pie Diner. It was blank. And the moments with Valerie were jumbled. He remembered going bowling with her, riding in her car…then it was fuzzy.

When he opened his eyes and lifted his head, a mug of steaming coffee was sitting in front of him. He found the waitress with his eyes and saw her talking to a young couple sitting in a booth on the other side of the restaurant. The young woman stared at him then stood up and walked over to him.

“Russell?” she asked. It thrilled him to hear his name but he barely knew himself so how did this girl know him? He blinked up at her a few times and tried to place her face. Brown curls hung at her shoulders and her eyes were pale against her cream colored skin.

She put a hand to her chest and gave him an apprehensive look. “Emily. Emily Buchanan … I’m a friend of Valerie’s,” she said. Her name sent another instinctive shiver through him. He remembered Emily and meeting her while shopping with Valerie. He opened his mouth but she spoke first.

“Does Valerie know you’re here?” she asked carefully.

Where is here
, he thought. His mind began to race as he tried to place things in order but he couldn’t. He looked up at Emily and handed her the scribbled address.

“Do you know what that is?” he asked.

Emily looked at the scrap of paper then back at Russell, her brow furrowed. “This is Valerie’s address … Do you know how to get there?”

***

Valerie shrugged into her coat and arranged the tan scarf around her neck as she headed down the stairs from her loft to her mother’s salon.

“Hey, girlie,” her mother said over the sound of the blow dryer.

“Hi, Momma,” she replied. “Just checking the mail. I’m waiting on that textbook.”

“What are you studying, Val?” Connie Kessler, her mother’s client, asked while a brush moved through her short blonde hair. Valerie smiled and moved closer to the styling station, leaning against the countertop.

“Right now it’s just general studies with my online classes but I’m hoping to study education,” she replied.

Her mother gave her a wink and smile while she continued to work.

“Oh honey, you’d be a great teacher!” Connie exclaimed. Valerie wanted to roll her eyes. The woman barely knew her but it was still a sweet comment she supposed. She felt the buzz of her cell phone in her coat pocket and excused herself. Her friend’s face and name were lit up on the screen and she smiled as she answered the call.

“Hey, Emily,” she said into the phone as she headed down the snowy gravel driveway to the mailbox. The sounds of the gravel crunching beneath her feet went fuzzy when she heard the first words come through the phone.

“I just saw Russell,” Emily said.

Valerie laughed unexpectedly. “No, you didn’t,” she blurted. She reached the mailbox and her chilled fingers yanked the metal flap open. She pulled the pile of mail out and held it to her chest with one arm. There was silence on the other end of the phone and it stopped her in her tracks.

“Emily,” she breathed.

“I saw him,” Emily repeated in a whisper. Her heart started to race and just as her eyes swept over the road in front of her house she saw someone in the distance. The tall figure dressed in a black coat was headed toward her, quickly trudging through the snow
. Russell.
The contents of her hands fell to the ground and she started running to him without a second thought. Her head was empty save for the pressing mantra telling her to run. His face became clearer as she jogged to him and her chest felt heavy with the fear that it could be a dream. Yet it seemed as though he was really there, just a few more yards ahead. Then she saw him pick up his pace to meet her. She leapt into his arms and he caught her with ease. Her legs wrapped around him and her arms encircled him tightly. She’d never let go again.

Her head was woozy feeling his familiar breath against her neck. His arms squeezed her snugly and she could hear the staggering in his breathing. She pulled back still attached to him and looked into his blue eyes before placing her lips against his. He moaned into her mouth and kissed her back. When her mouth left his she nuzzled his cheek with her eyes closed. She didn’t want the moment to end. She didn’t want to wake up or for him to vanish again.

He set her down on the ground but kept her body pulled close to his. Valerie looked up at him and stared at his face silently for a moment. His smile was beaming and his eyes were locked on her. He was different but the same. His hair was longer, in need of a cut. He had facial hair and his eyes wore the signs of fatigue. Her hand rose and stroked his cheek feeling the dark stubble she’d noticed along his jaw.

“You’re real,” she whispered, breaking the silence.

She inhaled a ragged breath and smiled up at him, never letting her hands leave him. She smoothed her hands over his hair and gripped the dark locks at the back of his neck under the collar of his coat.

He moved in to kiss her again and she melted at the feel of his lips. The feeling of his hands slipping around her waist made her tremble though she’d already forgotten how cold it was outside. Still engaged in his kiss, she started stepping back toward the house. Russell followed her after one more peck to her supple lips. She glanced at him over her shoulder, still pinching herself that he was actually there. Their fingers were linked and she led him through the door to her mother’s salon and up the stairs to her place without as much as a look at her mother. She was probably just as shocked to see Russell again but Valerie didn’t have eyes or ears for anyone else.