Redemption (21 page)

No answers came as Kari stared at the photo and thought about the changes in her sister. Obviously something bad had happened to her there, something she hadn’t been able to share even with Kari.

Whatever it was, Ashley wasn’t talking.

It hadn’t come between the two of them, but a strain definitely existed between Ashley and the others. Especially between Ashley and Luke. Kari stared at the picture again and remembered something she’d forgotten before. Ashley used to call their brother her “little Lukey.” Even though he was closer in age to Erin, he and Ashley had practically been joined at the hip as kids. Ashley, the big sister who could do no wrong, and Luke, the little brother her friends oohed and aahed over.

Luke.

The blond prince whose presence filled their home with laughter and lighthearted memories. It tore at Kari’s heart to see how he and Ashley were now—the way they avoided each other, the snide remarks they threw out under their breaths. If Kari were a stranger just passing through, she would have thought the two had been at odds forever.

She stared at the scrapbook again. The pictures told a different story.

Kari lingered on one photo after another until she came to a classic—her mom and dad on their twentieth anniversary. Next to it, Brooke had fixed a copy of their parents’ wedding photo. Kari could almost feel their love emanating off the page.

Wasn’t that the type of love Kari had always dreamed of? Wasn’t that what she and Tim were supposed to have? She thought about her parents’ love story, the way her silly dad still sat them down every Valentine’s Day and shared it with whoever would listen.

Kari closed her eyes and could hear the story come to life—how her father’s parents had wanted a big family but her dad’s father, John Sr., had been killed in action in World War II when her dad was just a baby. Because of that, he’d grown up an only child.

“Whenever you kids get tired of sharing your things and your place at the dinner table, take a minute and remember how lucky you are that you have each other,” her father would tell them at that point in the story. “Every day I wished for brothers and sisters, but it never happened.”

His mother had offers but chose not to remarry, never really getting over the death of her husband. When her dad was in college, his mother died of what seemed to be a broken heart.

“I was very lonely back then, but I always knew one day I’d have a huge family.” Their father would grin and cut his eyes over toward his wife. “Of course, when I met your mom, I knew it had to be up to her. Because whether she wanted one child or ten, she was the one for me. I loved her so much that it didn’t matter.”

Kari’s mom had been a home economics major at the University of Michigan and her dad a med student when they met at a campus Bible study. He liked to say Elizabeth was easily the most beautiful girl at the university that year, and Kari didn’t doubt it. There was something stately and elegant, fragile and unforgettable about that old picture of Elizabeth Baxter, with her dark hair and huge eyes and porcelain complexion.

The same way Ashley looked now.

To hear her dad tell the story, he and her mom were pretty much married from the moment they said hello. And when he asked her how many kids she wanted, she was sure there’d be no more than three.

Ashley liked to tease Erin and Luke, telling them they were lucky she was a good baby. Otherwise their mother would never have given in and had more kids.

The story always ended with John Baxter’s casting a loving look at his wife and saying something like, “You, my dear Elizabeth, are gold. I could never live long enough to grow tired of your company.” Or, “I treasure your every breath, Elizabeth. The day I met you I became a man blessed beyond any other.”

Kari would always see her parents as they were in moments like that, literally glowing in each other’s presence. The Baxter children never needed to wonder what love was—their parents defined it every day of their lives.

She shut the scrapbook and leaned back against the sofa. She stayed there, motionless, as the feeling of numbness opened up into a hollow sadness. All her life she had dreamed of having a love like her parents had, sharing those same glances and smiles, memories and magic. Taking a lifetime to celebrate oneness with the man she married.

In the light of those dreams, Kari’s loss felt greater than at any time since Tim had left home. Even if they did get back together and managed to work things out, what memories would the two of them have now? Their good times would forever be tarnished by Tim’s affair. The reality of that grieved Kari beyond words.

Kari closed her eyes and prayed for sleep. She simply could not imagine being old and gray and reminiscing about the past with Tim Jacobs.

Not when she would have to work every day for the rest of her life to forget it.

Chapter Fourteen

Pastor Mark was working on his sermon Tuesday afternoon when Kari knocked on his office door.

“Am I early?”

He pushed away from his desk and stood to greet her. “Not a bit. Come in.”

She struggled to make eye contact with him, embarrassed about how she looked. She knew there were dark circles under her eyes, and despite her pregnancy, her clothes hung on her. Pastor Mark kept his office door open, returned to his chair, and pointed to a vinyl sofa that had been in his office for years.

Kari sat down and crossed her legs. Her hands were shaking.

“You couldn’t get Tim to come?” The pastor’s voice was gentle, and Kari relaxed some, her heart still heavy.

She shook her head and tried to speak, but her emotions got the better of her.

“That’s okay, take your time.” He smiled sadly. “I’m not in a hurry. You can tell me what happened whenever you’re ready.”

Kari released a sigh and eased back into the sofa. “He moved out almost a month ago. He’s having an affair with a student—moved in with her the same day he told me about it.” She pulled a tissue from her purse and ran it beneath her eyes. “I called him at her apartment last night. He wants a divorce.”

“And you?”

“I want to make it work.” She exhaled and covered her face. When her hands fell back to her lap, the dreaded tears were back. “Everyone else thinks I’m crazy.”

“No.” Pastor Mark angled his head thoughtfully. “You’re not crazy, Kari. I officiated at your wedding, remember? As long as I live, I’ll remember the way Tim looked at you that day.”

Kari nodded, and the image of Tim’s face on the day of their wedding came to her mind as well. Never could she have imagined he’d ever love anyone but her. A tear slid down her cheek, and she dabbed at it with her fingertips. “My family’s having a hard time remembering.”

Mark’s eyebrows lifted. “Even your parents?”

Kari shrugged. “They’re trying. They think I’m doing the right thing, but they hate seeing me hurt.” She gave him a halfhearted smile. “My sisters think I should wrap him in baling twine and toss him over a cliff.”

He winced. “I guess that’s understandable.”

“Yeah,” she sniffed, “I guess.”

“You already know this, but I’ll say it anyway.” He paused. “You can’t base your decisions on anyone’s opinion but yours and God’s.”

Kari nodded. “That’s why I’m here.” Her voice broke, and she struggled to find the words. “I’m sorry. I . . .”

Pastor Mark handed her a tissue and waited until she could speak.

“I’m here because I want my husband back and I have absolutely no idea how to make that happen.”

The pastor let his gaze fall to the floor for a moment. When he looked back at Kari, she could see in his eyes a depth that wasn’t there before, and she was struck by how much he cared. “You can’t
make
it happen, Kari. Tim has to be willing.”

“Do you think he ever will?”

Pastor Mark folded his hands and hesitated. “Do you?”

Memories of the initial days of her marriage flashed in Kari’s mind. Finding a jellyfish on a Mexican beach the week of their honeymoon. Buying furniture for their first home—a tiny apartment—and falling down laughing when they got home and found out the sofa was bigger than their living room. Crying together in the emergency room after they lost their first baby.

Those and dozens of other shared moments came to mind, and Kari smiled through her tears. “I don’t know.” She wanted to be honest. “I know he used to love me, and I think a part of him still does. Most of all, I think God wants me to keep trying to love him, not just give up.”

The pastor smiled. “Then hold on to that, Kari. Don’t let it go for anyone or anything. No matter how long it takes.”

She stared at him, searching his eyes for wisdom she neither had nor knew how to find. “There’s something else.” Pastor Mark waited. “I’m pregnant. I found out a few days ago.”

If he was shocked, he didn’t show it. Instead, he drew a slow breath and nodded.

“I told him last night, but then I hung up on him. I haven’t talked to him since.”

“You hung up on him?” There was no judgment in the pastor’s voice, just curiosity.

“Yes. He told me all he wanted from me was a divorce, and I got mad.” She pursed her lips. “I’m mad at him a lot lately. Kind of crazy, I guess. Here I’m doing everything I can to get him back, but I’m also so mad at him that sometimes I actually hate him.”

“That’s not crazy, Kari. You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t mad.” He paused. “So Tim knows you’re pregnant and . . . you hear the ticking clock.”

“Yes.” Kari swallowed back the sorrow in her chest. “I need him home with me. I’m already almost three months along.” She let out an exasperated huff. “Then there’s Ryan Taylor.”

“Ryan Taylor?” Pastor Mark’s right eyebrow lifted ever so slightly. “I remember. You two were quite an item once.”

“I guess you could call it that.” She was telling him more than she’d planned, but it felt good. If she told her sisters about her unwanted feelings for Ryan they’d have a wedding date set before the end of the conversation. “I was young, but he was very special to me. And now—”

“He’s back in town.”

Kari was amazed. The man ran a church and counseled many people every day, yet she felt as if he’d had private access to her deepest thoughts. “Right.” Kari let her gaze fall to her ring finger. “I’m scared and alone and . . . part of me wants his friendship.” She searched for the words. “But after being in love with him for so many years . . . I don’t know if I could be his friend.”

Pastor Mark’s eyes narrowed, and he bit the corner of his lip. “Ryan’s a good man, but I think you are making a wise choice. It would be easy to get confused if you spend too much time together. You’re in a lot of pain right now, and pain can cloud your judgment.”

Kari felt her cheeks grow hot and knew the pastor was right. It didn’t matter that she loved Tim and wanted to win him back. She still had a heart, after all, and her heart would always be vulnerable where Ryan Taylor was concerned.

The topic changed, and Pastor Mark suggested she keep a journal, maybe write letters to Tim as if he actually were open to reconciling. This would help Kari work through her feelings and possibly, one day down the road, give them a tool they could use to make their relationship stronger.

“If you really want to save your marriage, Kari, God will show you how. He’ll give you something you can do, the right words to say.” Pastor Mark reached into his cabinet and pulled a piece of paper from a small file. He slid the sheet across his desk. “Take this. When Tim’s ready for counseling, this program is something I strongly suggest.”

Kari scanned the paper. The heading read “Marriage Intensive Seminar.” “Marriage intensive? What is it?”

“It’s a day’s drive from here, in the Ozarks. It involves two days of intensive counseling between a couple and two counselors—a male and a female.” Mark shrugged. “The results are amazing, from everything I hear.”

Two days of counseling? Kari couldn’t imagine Tim’s agreeing to that type of therapy. But she took the paper. “Thanks.” There was more doubt than faith in her voice.

Mark’s expression softened. “I know you’re not optimistic, but God has a plan, Kari. I’ll be praying. You too, okay?”

“Okay.” Kari folded the sheet of paper and slipped it into her purse.

“Beyond that, I really believe God will show you what to do.”

Kari nodded. “He’s already shown me one thing. I can’t keep staying at my parents’ house. I’m going back home tonight, at least for the weekdays. That way, if Tim comes around, I’ll be there.”

“Good idea.”

Their time was over, and Kari wanted to have a fresh outlook. She’d expected to feel as if a ten-story building had been lifted from her shoulders. But all she felt was nauseous and tired. The idea of working to win back a man who’d walked out on her without a warning was suddenly more than she could fathom.

As she thanked Pastor Mark and walked to her car, she kept hearing his voice reassuring her that God would make it clear what she should do, how she should go about actively fighting for her marriage. She believed he was right. But the more the pastor’s words played in her mind, the more she was certain of one thing. In that instant—even though it was wrong—there was only one person she really felt like being with, and it wasn’t her husband.

It was a tanned, green-eyed football player who’d stolen her heart the summer she turned twelve.