Redemption (23 page)

There was a dirt road that ran parallel to the main highway behind her family’s property. It separated the privately owned acreage on one side from a meandering creek and state park property on the other. Since the highway was so busy, kids had always used the road for bike riding and as access to the neighbors’ houses. Kari and Ryan had walked its three miles dozens of times before.

They set out south through the Baxters’ backyard and didn’t speak until they were headed east along the dirt road. In every direction the landscape was dressed in vibrant hues, set off by a brilliant blue sky. The smell of distant burning leaves hung on the gentle breeze.

“You left the prayer room in a hurry the other day.” Ryan kept his eyes straight ahead as if he were taking in the serenity of the dirt road, the pristine beauty of the swiftly flowing creek to their right.

For just a moment Kari wanted to pretend she was single again, that she and Ryan still had a million options and a lifetime ahead of them, that she hadn’t given up on him that day at the hospital, hadn’t turned her love over to Tim Jacobs.

Hadn’t married a man destined to do unspeakable things to her heart.

But there was no going back now, no way of undoing the past. Kari stretched her hands over her head, inhaled a full breath of clean Indiana air, and shrugged. “I had a lot on my mind.”

They walked a ways farther, and their pace slowed. Ryan nodded toward a place just ahead where an oversized fallen log lay along the creek bank, half hidden by overgrown brush. It was a familiar place, one where Kari and Ryan had often wound up when they needed privacy.

“Let’s sit.” He led the way toward the spot.

The sun was low in the sky, the temperature falling fast, but Kari nodded and followed him. When they were both seated he searched for a rock and skipped it expertly across the water. “I already knew about Tim. Before the prayer room.”

Kari frowned. “Who told you?”

“Ashley.” He looked at her, and whatever casual pretense he’d demonstrated for her brother back at the house was gone.

Looking at him now was like looking straight into his soul—and what she saw there made her wonder if she’d been wrong about him, if maybe he hadn’t stopped loving her all those years ago. Whatever his feelings, his eyes told her this much: His concern for her had not dimmed with time. She tried to focus on what he’d said. “Ashley told you?”

“She called me a couple of weeks ago and filled me in. The short version, anyway.”

Ashley had called Ryan? Kari’s mind raced, trying to make sense of the idea. “What made her do that?”

Ryan picked up another smooth stone. “It was my fault.” He skipped the rock and looked back at her. “I ran into her a few weeks ago at football practice. We were joking around, and I told her to give me a call if your husband ever left you high and dry.”

Kari nodded and pursed her lips as her eyes followed a pair of squirrels playing on the grassy shore across the creek. “I see.”

“So in a way she kind of owed me the call.”

Her eyes met his again. “You didn’t act like you knew.”

“Yeah, well—” his gaze stayed locked on hers—“I had a lot on my mind.”

“That’s what you said.” They were sitting several feet apart, but still Kari felt trapped in his gravitational pull, the same way she’d always felt around him.

He uttered a sad laugh. “The other day I didn’t say half of what I wanted to.” He found her eyes again and waited a long while. “Don’t you get it, Kari?” He sifted through the rocks near his feet until he found the right-sized stone and sent it skittering over the water. “The reason I needed to focus was because ever since I heard about you and Tim—” he shifted his gaze to hers—“ever since I heard what your husband had done to you, I couldn’t think about anything else.”

“Other than . . . ?” Her heart was pounding again, and if the holy warnings coursing through her mind had been audible, neither of them would have been able to hear above the noise.

“Ah, Kari girl.” His voice grew soft, and Kari saw an overwhelming sorrow in his face. “Other than you.”

The world began spinning out of control. It was one thing to guess at Ryan’s feelings, but now, here in the seclusion of their special place, a place where they’d kissed and talked and made plans of forever, it was almost more than she could bear. She tore her eyes from him and stared at her feet. “I . . . I don’t know what to say.”

Ryan slid over and took her hand tenderly in his own. “Don’t say anything.” He moved still closer, so that the sides of their arms were touching.

Lord, get me out of this.

My grace is sufficient for you.

Why was that verse playing across her heart so often?
Grace? I need more than that, Father. I can’t think with him so close, my hand in his.

There was nothing in response, and she closed her eyes, trying to get a grip on her emotions.

Ryan exhaled hard. “I know how you feel, what you want. I’m not trying to come between you and Tim.” He ran his thumb over the top of her hand. “I just want you to know how I feel. How I’ve always felt about you.”

Anger made its way up through the sea of desire within her. How dare he say he’d always had feelings for her? What about Dallas? What about that night at the hospital? Everything in her wanted to challenge him on his comment, make him go back with her to his accident and all the awful details of that terrible day.

She opened her mouth to speak, but then she closed it again. Going over the past now would prove nothing. It would do nothing but bring more pain. Still, she was grateful for the anger, which helped her back off and remember what was important. She wriggled her hand free from his and crossed her arms. “How are you these days anyway, Ryan?” She forced a smile and saw that he read her eyes perfectly. There would be no more talking about how he felt about her, how they felt about each other, or anything that might remotely be linked to what they’d once shared.

She needed to win her husband back, not start an affair.

He cocked his head. “Okay . . . I’m sorry for bringing it up. I’ve never kept anything from you, and I thought—”

Kari held up her hand and shook her head. “Don’t, Ryan.” Tears filled her eyes. It wasn’t her fault things hadn’t worked between them. “I have to get back.”

It was dusk now, and she was starting to shiver. Her entire body ached for Ryan to slip his arm around her, pull her close, and ward off the cold of the impending darkness, of her impending future. Instead, she stood and wrapped her arms more tightly around herself. Two tears made their way down her cheeks as she stared down at Ryan. “I can’t explain it, but I want my marriage to work.”

Ryan clenched his jaw, opened his mouth, and said nothing. He stood and gently pulled Kari into a hug, one that could have been taken only as an embrace between two old friends who’d found each other again. “I’m sorry. The last thing I wanted was to upset you.”

The longer Kari stayed in his arms, the less platonic the hug felt. Finally she knew she had to pull away or face doing something she would regret for a lifetime. “We need to go.”

Ryan didn’t argue, and she knew it was because he was feeling the same way. They walked back to Kari’s house while he entertained her with stories of his last season with Dallas. “So there he was, wrong-way Leonard, carrying the ball for all he was worth, headed straight for the opponent’s end zone, and I’m seeing that no one, not a man on our team, is going to catch him and turn him around the right way.”

He ran ahead of her a few steps to illustrate the story. “I took off as fast as I could, and finally at about the ten-yard line he saw me and froze, dead in his tracks. They replayed the thing a dozen times on ESPN.” Ryan waited for her to catch up and then fell in step beside her again. “At that point the team gang-tackled him.”

Kari laughed at the image of Ryan’s poor teammate, and Ryan elbowed her in the ribs. “I can’t believe it.” He walked backward a few steps, studying her face. “I actually made you smile.”

She thought about what her life had become—Tim’s affair, the pregnancy, the way Tim hadn’t called except to say he wanted a divorce, the way she could not even consider letting herself have feelings for Ryan Taylor again, no matter how she felt.

It
had
been a while since she’d laughed.

Now she felt her cheeks grow hot under his gaze, and she pushed him teasingly in the chest. “Stop staring at me.”

He fell beside her once more and spent the last ten minutes of the walk recalling stories and funny incidents from their past. By the time they were back at the Baxter front drive, Kari felt like she’d been given a new lease on life. She tilted her head as they walked up onto the porch, and she smiled at him. “It was good to see you again.”

The silliness in his expression faded, and his eyes seemed to bore into hers. “For me too.” He hesitated. “Kari, I—”

She held up her hand. “Don’t.” They’d found their friendship again on the walk back, found a tenuous way to laugh and tease and enjoy each other’s company without treading on the dangerous ground of attraction. She couldn’t bear to hear him say again that he had feelings for her, especially now, when except for her faith and convictions, she would gladly have run off with him and never looked back at Tim Jacobs and the life he’d left her with. “I’m married, Ryan. I’m planning on staying that way. Please . . . be my friend. Nothing more.”

His eyes grew wet, and she thought how rarely she’d seen him this emotional. It triggered something deep inside her, and her eyes, too, felt the familiar sting. “I respect your feelings, Kari. I may not understand them, but I respect them.” He held out his arms and hugged her quickly this time. “I’m here for you. Whenever you need me.”

She thought about telling him she was pregnant, but something told her to hold back, as if sharing something so intimate might cross a line she didn’t want to cross. Instead, she blinked back her tears and smiled at him. “Thanks.”

Then before he could say anything else, before she might toss her convictions to the wind and kiss him the way she was dying to do, she turned and disappeared into the house. She listened as he trudged down the porch steps, across the driveway, and into his truck. As he pulled away, she stole up to the guest room and shut the door, questioning whether she was losing her mind.

Time was when she would have given anything to have Ryan Taylor standing on her doorstep declaring his feelings for her. But now, when she desperately needed him and just as desperately needed to avoid him, she had turned him away.

The tears came in earnest, and she knew there was only one way out of the despair that gripped her soul. She slid off the side of the bed and landed on her knees. With head bowed, body convulsing in sobs, she buried her face in the bedspread and cried out to the only One who could make sense of her life.

I need a miracle, Lord. . . . I’m at the end of my rope.

My grace is sufficient for you.

The Scripture passage came to mind again, and this time she remembered the rest of the verse.

For my power is made perfect in weakness.

Her weeping subsided. God was here; he saw how weak she was. And he knew what she needed—not just one miracle, but a couple of them.

First, that Tim would stop his wayward lifestyle and return to her. And second, if he did return, that she could somehow learn to enjoy loving him once more.

Even after knowing how good it felt to be in Ryan Taylor’s arms again.

Chapter Sixteen

Angela was busy with a study group for her modern history class that Saturday night, and Tim decided to go back and get a few things from his house. He’d called, but Kari didn’t answer, and he figured she was either working or at her parents’ house.

Actually, he rather hoped she’d show up while he was there. That way he could look her in the face and find out what she’d meant by the baby comment. He’d gone over the dates a hundred times since then and couldn’t imagine how she might just have found out she was pregnant. The last time they’d been together was back in August, back when he was doing everything he could to get Angela out of his mind and make things work with Kari.

If she’d gotten pregnant then, she’d already be three months along. Wouldn’t she have found out sooner? Tim was almost positive she would have. They had those tests, didn’t they?

He thought about the possibility as he drove the few blocks to University Park, the upscale area of older, restored homes where they’d planned on spending forever. What if she really was pregnant? How many times in their early years had he longed for a child, imagining the wonderful life Kari and he would have once their home was filled with little ones?

The thought of Kari’s raising their child alone made him feel sick to his stomach. There would be no pleasure sharing an apartment with Angela if Kari was forced to live the single-mother life ten minutes away.

He pulled into the driveway and entered through the kitchen door. The answering machine held only one message.

Tim hit the Play button.

“Hi, Tim. It’s me, Pastor Mark, over at Clear Creek Community Church. I talked to Kari today and left a message for you at work. Not sure if you’ll get this, but if you do, I’d appreciate a call when you get in. If it’s too late, I’ll be at the office first thing in the morning.” The pastor rattled off a few phone numbers and hung up.

Tim felt his face grow hot. Why had Kari gone to see
him?
And what was he doing calling Tim at home? Tim cursed under his breath. Preachers were all alike—a bunch of do-gooders trying to save the world. Well, he for one did not want saving. He had tried that route and failed miserably. There was nothing left now but for him to build a life with Angela and try to make his own happiness.

As long as Kari wasn’t pregnant, that is.

He moved into the dining room and came to an abrupt stop. There on the table were four envelopes. Each one had his name scrawled across the front with a date from the previous week.

What was this?

Tim could hear his heart beating. He picked up the envelope with the earliest date and opened it.
I could use a drink.
The thought filtered through his mind, and he silently chastised himself. After overdoing it that night at Angela’s, the night that preacher was on television, Tim had decided not to drink during the day. As long as he could keep to that promise, he was pretty sure he’d never have a problem. At least not one like Uncle Frank’s.