Redemption (8 page)

 Rebecca
grimaced.  "You don't have to tell me this," she said quietly.

 Isaac
turned to her with a surprisingly soft smile.  "I know.  But
it's just... well I kind of feel like I have to tell you, you know?  Like
I want someone to know.  Otherwise, when I'm gone, I'll fade away and
there'll be nothing left to say I even existed.”  He shrugged.  “It's
better somehow, to know that someone will know who I was."

Rebecca
took a deep breath, but she couldn’t seem to form words.  Isaac took her hand
and continued walking.  It seemed natural, their comfort with each other-
as if they'd known each other forever, instead of a couple of short days. 
The sun sank lower over the horizon as he told her about his childhood, how he
tried his best to protect his brother and sisters from a drunken, angry father
who couldn't cope with being left to raise five children alone.  How, as a
teenager, he did anything he could think of to get them the things they needed
to crawl out of poverty and make good lives for themselves. 

Rebecca
gathered that he had never told anyone the half of it.  That his siblings
had no idea their older brother had sunk so low to feed them, to make sure they
had clothes and books.  That he had given up his childhood and his innocence to
police them and make sure they made it through school and into college.

"They
all got educations or good jobs," he said with a fierce pride. 
"Jess didn't go to school, but he's a great guitar player, and his band
makes a good living playing gigs.  He managed to keep his nose
clean.  I wouldn't let him near anyone I knew would drag him
down."  No, Rebecca thought, you kept all that kind of attention
directed at yourself.

She
wasn't surprised to find that his quest for money, and his need to escape the pain
of abuse and degradation, had led him to drugs.  He told her about the
parties he'd attended.  The people he'd met, some of them pretty
impressive.  But he had been hurdling toward destruction.
"Kittie graduated from college last year,
and just a few months ago she landed a job at a great company doing
advertising."  He didn't say it, but the words formed in her mind
anyway.  And now they didn't need him.  His job as caretaker was done.

"I'm
free now," he said lightly, but the humor in his voice didn't touch his
distant eyes.  "I can take care of myself, I suppose.  But...I
don't know who I am anymore."  He sighed.  "I think
maybe...I've got nothing left."  He glanced at her, saw the tears
hanging unshed in her eyes, and tired to play it off.  "Oh, I'll be
okay," he said with a grin.  "Look at me now; on some mythical
quest.  I'm clearly destined for greatness."

She
shook her head.  He didn't mean it.  It was pretty obvious to her
what he did mean by his revelations.  He was convinced that he was going
to die.  That, his purpose fulfilled, he was done living.

Only
she didn't believe that.  Because Rebecca knew something that Isaac
couldn't possibly know.  That she'd wanted to die for a long time
now.  That, in fact, she'd been dead inside for years now.  If one of them
was going to make it out of this alive, her money was on Isaac.  She felt
utterly alone with this knowledge.  His words before had resonated with
her more than he realized.  She knew exactly what he meant.  It seemed
like someone should know her.

"I
like to read," she blurted abruptly.

Isaac
gave her a startled look, but something in her face made him smile and squeeze
her hand.  "Really?"

She
nodded and rushed on, her words halting and awkward.  "I read all the
time.  So I don't feel alone.  I have stacks and stacks of books.  Towers
of them.  I can never get rid of them once I've read them; they're like
old friends.  And I drink mint tea and sit on the floor of my apartment, under
the only decent window, where I can feel the sun and remember what it’s like to
be warm inside."

He
laughed, a deep, rich sound that made her chest ache.  "What kinds of
things do you read?" he asked with genuine curiosity.

Rebecca
looked at the world around them, like the wilderness from a storybook.  "Fantasy,"
she said.  "Romance.  Books with magic and happy endings."

His
smile deepened as his gaze followed hers to the world around them. 
"Imagine that."
 She laughed.  His hand engulfed hers
completely, and it only made her feel smaller, in danger of disappearing. 
She clung to his hand like a lifeline.

"I
was lucky," she said, not looking at him, ashamed, knowing that her
troubles were nothing compared to his.  "I had a happy childhood with
both parents and a big house.  I didn't have any brothers or sisters, but
I had a dog.  A big Newfoundland called Tinkerbell."

He
laughed, not a trace of bitterness or judgment in his tone. 
"Tinkerbell?"

She
nodded.  "My Dad has a sense of humor.  Tink weighed a
hundred and thirty pounds."  She sighed.  "There was nothing
lacking in my childhood.  I was shy in school, and the kids picked on me,
but I got great grades and a scholarship for college.”

 
“Maybe," she glanced at Isaac.  "Maybe I just expected too
much, you know?  I thought I would grow up to be like my parents, with a
nice, big house where I could stay at home and raise kids and dogs and be
perfectly happy."

His
big thumb stroked absently over the smooth skin on the back of her hand, and
she focused her attention on the feeling that simple touch gave her, right
below her ribcage.  It staved off the regret that normally would have
overwhelmed her. 

"I met Raman my
first year in college.  He was a med student when I was still a
freshman.  He fit all my ideals perfectly- smart, exotic, rich.  We
were married during our second year, and I got pregnant right after. 
I didn't think much about my education.  I had achieved my goal to be a
wife and mom, so I didn’t really need a career."  She paused to
draw a breath. 

"But
you know how that turned out.  And then Raman left.  Then I
didn't have anything.  No husband, no house filled with
children and dogs, and no education or way to support myself."  She lifted
her shoulders and let them drop. 

"Right
after I lost the baby, I kind of, I don't know- withdrew?  I didn't want
to see anyone or talk to anyone.  At first all my family and friends were
understanding.  After all, I'd just been through something terrible.”  She
shrugged again.  “But, for whatever reason, I got stuck.  I couldn't
move past it and get better.  Nothing mattered.  So they gradually
stopped understanding.  Then they stopped calling or coming around.

“I
haven't talked to my parents in a couple of years.  And now...
well now I don't care about much of anything.  I live in a little flat
downtown, and I wait tables to pay my rent and my student loans.  I lost
my scholarship a long time ago, and I can't afford to finish school- even if
I wanted to, which I don't."  Her thoughts echoed
his.  "I'm no one.  I think… I think the only reason I keep
going through the motions of living is because I don’t know what else to
do."

Isaac
didn't try to comfort her.  He didn't comment or tell her everything was
going to be okay.  He just listened, like she had for him.  But when
she was done, he wasn't satisfied. 

 "Tell
me more," he said after a few more minutes of walking over rough
terrain.  "I want to know about you.  Not just the stuff that
happened to you.  What's your favorite color?  Do you like winter? 
What do you like on your pizza?”

Even
with that sadness behind his eyes, his smile was the most beautiful thing she’d
seen in a long time.  They continued talking until the sun began to set and
they were forced to once again call a halt. 

It
felt natural that they should fall asleep next to their little fire, holding
hands as if they had always known each other.  As Rebecca drifted off to sleep
to the sounds of strange night creatures in the woods around them, she reminded
herself that this was all a dream.  She would likely wake up the next day and
her handsome companion would be nothing more than a figment of her imagination.

T
he next morning,
Isaac was still there.  Rebecca woke near daybreak to find her head cushioned
in his lap as he gazed at the path.  There was a deep furrow between his dark
brows, as if he were thinking furiously.  He absently stroked the tangled hair
back from her eyes, not seeming to realize that she was awake.  The gesture was
comforting and tender, and it caused a rush of panic in Rebecca’s chest.  She took
a deep breath, stretched dramatically, and sat up, pretending that she was
completely unfazed by his familiarity with her.  The frown left his face at
once, and he greeted her with his usual soft smile. 

The path became
more rocky and uneven as they went.  Every now and then, they glimpsed a
far-off mountain, blue and hazy though a thinning in the trees.  It seemed that
the path was leading them toward it.  What better place for the target of your
mythical dream quest than the top of a lonely mountain.  Rebecca groaned
inside.

They still had
the benefit of occasional clearings and meadows, but Rebecca thought it
wouldn’t be long before the landscape became less pleasant and accommodating. 
Therefore, when they next came to a flowery little meadow, she insisted that
they take the time to rest.  Hunger wasn’t a regular kind of thing like it was
in the real world, but she was beginning to feel it, and she’d noticed that
Isaac’s stomach had rumbled a time or too as well.

“Maybe we can
find some berries or something?”  She glanced at Isaac.  “You know, maybe if we
think about it really hard, some raspberry bushes will just happen to be there
waiting for us- just like the lighter you found in your pocket.”  She still
didn’t know how that had happened.  She had tried several times to wish for
things, but so far, nothing had happened. 

Isaac agreed
with her plan, but with one caveat.  “We don’t split up.  Bad things seem to
happen when we’re apart.”

Rebecca sighed,
knowing he was right.  “Fine, but it would be faster…”

Isaac scowled at
her, and she retreated before the strength of that blue gaze.  “Okay, okay. 
Let’s just stay in the meadow.  It’s not very big, and if we get into trouble
we’ll be within shouting distance of each other.”

Isaac still
didn’t look happy, and she imagined that if he had his way, they’d be tied
together.  “Fine, but don’t wander too far.  I don’t like these convenient
little areas.” 

They gradually
wandered away from each other, searching for something that was edible. 
Rebecca was surprised when she actually did find raspberry bushes scattered
here and there among the tall grass.  She popped a few of the dark, juicy
berries into her mouth and found them to be perfect.  She rolled up the bottom
of her t-shirt and used it as a kind of basket, filling it with the plump
purple fruit.   

She had been
wandering for some time, and was starting to think they should get going again,
when something caught her eye.  Dropping her berries, Rebecca stooped and scooped
up the baby girl.  A feeling of warmth and contentment stole over her the
moment she cradled the baby to her chest.  Cloe’s chubby little hand grasped
the front of Rebecca’s t-shirt and she cooed happily.

Rebecca sank
down sit cross-legged on the ground, cradling her little miracle.  She smiled
down into those pretty, baby blue eyes and rocked gently, humming snatches of
an old lullaby.

Gradually, all
thoughts of her quest faded from her mind.  There was nothing more important
that Cloe.  Nothing existed for Rebecca except this feeling of utter
connection.  This little darling needed her; needed her love and protection,
depended on her for life.  There was no other obligation that mattered.

She dimly heard
Isaac’s deep voice calling for her somewhere in the distance, but it didn’t
matter.  He could go on without her.  She would just stay here.  Something
stirred in the back of her mind.  But this was different from the Incubi’s
tricks.  This was her child.  Her reason for living.

Rebecca gently
smoothed the baby’s soft golden fuzz of hair as the child snuggled into her
breast.  It was comfortable here, the soft sunshine touching the pair of them
in a warm caress.  Rebecca found herself getting drowsy.  She scooted back to
lean against the trunk of a large oak tree, watching the dappled sun dance over
her little treasure.  Her eyes were beginning to drift closed in sleepy
contentment when Isaac came crashing into the meadow.  

Rebecca blinked
up at him, gifting him with a soft smile of utter contentment.  His fair face
was lightly flushed and he was a bit out of breath.  His piercing blue eyes landed
on her and he froze.

“Becca…”  His
voice was laden with fear.  Rebecca gazed up at him, perplexed by his
reaction.  Maybe he had realized that she wouldn’t want to go with him anymore,
now that she’d found Cloe.

Isaac inched
forward cautiously, stopping a few feet away.  “It’s…it’s okay Rebecca, I’m
here.”

He acted as if
she should be scared.  Rebecca glanced around the clearing, looking for a
monster.  There was nothing, just the gently waving grasses and the soft rustle
of the oak tree whispering overhead.  The baby fussed and Rebecca jiggled her round
little body and made soft shushing sounds.