Authors: Sarah Thorn
“I guess I really don’t,” said Mary. “I guess from my perspective this is just how life is. I do know that the people here love me, though. I have never doubted that. I have never doubted that God loves me either. I see that here. I feel His love. So tell me, why did you end up leaving and going to the city?”
John knew that was a long story, but she had opened up to him. He owed her the same thing. “I can’t tell you all of the details. But what I can tell you is how I felt. I felt restless, as if life here was too rigid. I guess I always wanted to experience everything I could in life. So I left. I can tell you what happens in the world. While you are enchanted by life, and the trivial entertainment and amusements, you love your existence. This can go on for any length of time really. Some never escape the pull of the world. Some know instantly that is it empty. I guess it took me until a few days ago. I couldn’t live a lie anymore.”
Mary wasn’t sure if she understood. She had no perspective because she had only known living as a plain folk. part of her envied John because of the perspective he had. It must give him a greater love of God. She told him as much.
“No, Mary,” he warned. “You don’t want anything to do with the world. I have scars from that time of my life that will never be healed. Your parents have kept you pure for a reason. They know it’s power.”
Sin and the devil. Mary knew that was what he was talking about. “Well it is getting late. Actually, it is already too late. My mother is going to be going crazy looking for me.” Mary again began to worry.
They ran back to the Bishop’s house. “I hope that the meetings went late. It is already dark and usually they would be done by now.” They said a quick prayer.
When they got back, Mary’s mother had only been looking for her for a short time. “What happened?” She asked.
“Mama, John here has said that he wants to help us out. We have been talking, He is super respectful and nice.” After she spoke those words, she saw Samuel. They made eye contact. It shot pain through her, as she knew that it would hurt him to see her talking to another guy, a really good looking guy.
“Is this true?” Asked mama.
“Yes,” replied John. “I would need to stay with you, but I could be a helping hand. If that is something you would be opened to.”
Mary’s mother knew that accepting John to stay with them would cause friction within the community. But she also knew that she needed help. “You can stay with us.” they all jumped in the buggy
John, Mary, Ruth, and mama all rode home together. They talked and got to know each other. John was immediately made welcome.
Samuel watched as the buggy drove off. Part of him still loved Mary or was it just competitiveness. He didn’t know and didn’t care. He was not comfortable with another man living with her.
*****
John turned out to be a great help on the farm. With his help they were able to get all of the work done each day. John enjoyed the Bible studies every night. Because he was now the man of the house, he would lead them. He felt that he was able to reconnect with God. He wondered how his father was doing and wished that he could be reconnected with him.
One day,
he thought.
His former like with the englishers was beginning to seem distant now, as his old Amish habits were coming back in full force. God seemed more present and Samuel desires only to please Him. For he knew that there was no other source of joy and contentment.
He got along great with Mary, although he understood that she was seeing Samuel. John wanted to honor their relationship, even though sometimes he wished they were not together. John knew how she talked about him now, and didn’t feel they were right for each other. He saw the way he looked at her before, and saw nothing but jealousy and selfish ambition. But ss far as John saw it, his only responsibility was to help out as much as he could, and maybe one day he would be accepted back into the community.
Then one day he found out that Samuel would be coming over to court with Mary. It made him feel miserable inside. He had never realized that his feelings for Mary were so strong. He had thought that he just liked her as a friend, someone that he could genuinely connect to. But this was different, this was much more.
*****
“Hello Samuel,” said Mary, as she greeted him at the door. She was excited to see him, but she noticed that the spark she used feel was not there.
“Hello Mary, I apologize that I have not come over more recently. Pa had needed a lot of work done on the farm. It is a busy time of year, of course.” Samuel clearly still liked mary, she could tell by the way he looked at her. But there was now a distance between them.
“Samuel, sit down, we have supper ready for you,” said Mama.
John came right up to Samuel to shake his hand. “I’m John. I have been helping out with the chores in return for room and board,” he said.
Samuel’s face showed recognition. “I know who you are. And I know why you are staying here. There is talk in the community of shunning you.”
“But that is why I am here,” said John. “I am here to show that I can be a contributing member of the community.” John was becoming frustrated.
“I am just letting you know how people feel. It is not necessarily my feelings on the matter,” said Samuel. Though John felt that they were.
Mary decided to try and lighten up the mood. “Can I get you lemonade, Samuel?”
“Of course,” he said, still looking at John.
John helped mama serve the dinner. Samuel was there to see Mary, and he wanted to be respectful and stay out of it.
Samuel looked at Mary. “Can I talk to you in private?”
“Of course,” said Mary. She was worried of what he might say. They discreetly got up and went into the hall.
“What I have said about him getting shunned is true. I just wish that you would get John out of here. The people don’t want him. Let his father deal with him. He will surely still take him back,” said Samuel.
Mary looked disgusted. “Why shouldn’t a person deserve another chance. He has done no wrong to us. He has been only a blessing so far. A blessing from God, and an answer to prayer.”
Samuel furrowed his brow, seemingly surprised to hear Mary defend him so vigorously. Samuel handed Mary a letter.
“They want us all to appear before the Bishop?”
“I am afraid so,” said Samuel smugly. He wanted to see John excommunicated and out of the picture. “The Bishop has deemed that John has been here long enough and a judgment must be made on whether he will be shunned or accepted. I think that the decision that he will make is obvious. I had no idea how much this would disappoint you,” said Samuel. He gave her a comforting hug. “I am still here for you, you know that Mary.”
Mary looked up at him, but could neither bring her head to nod or shake. She didn’t know if he would be there for her. He had run at first wind of her financial problems. And now he wanted the best thing that happened to her family gone. But, she knew that she still cared for him, and still loved him. But perhaps not in the same way.
Maybe he is right,
thought Mary
. The Amish will take care of us. They always do. Maybe the best decision is just to listen to the Bishop and accept his decision.
That night, Samuel bed courted her. But there was more than a bundling board between them this time. Mary felt confused and alone. She knew that John was sleeping on the couch, by himself. All he had done was help their family and work hard. And yet Samuel wanted him gone. She knew that John would be happy to see Samuel marry her, so long as he knew it was what would make her happy. But would that make her happy? Mary wasn’t sure.
In the morning Samuel left early to attend to his chores. There was no sad goodbye. She wasn’t sure if she was even going to miss him. His heart has grown cold and Mary didn’t know if the boy she grew up with still existed. She felt like he had been pretending all these years to love her.
*****
John had spent all morning thinking about how he would defend himself against the Bishop. He didn’t know how the decision would be made, but he knew he must be ready. The decision of that day would affect the rest of his life.
Mama, Mary, Ruth and John got in the buggy to see the Bishop. John was worried that he would not receive a fair judgment. He thought of all the good things that he had done over the past few weeks that he spent with Mary and her mama. He knew they would stand up to defend him. But he didn’t know if it would be enough. He had hurt so many people in the community, part of him understood if they never wanted to see him again.
They entered the Bishop’s house and were surprised to see that many were in attendance. Samuel was sitting in the back, and looked pleased to see John walk in. John scanned the room and saw his father in attendance. They acknowledged each other with a nod.
The Bishop has absolute authority in the affairs of the Amish. He could admonish a person for not wearing their head covering properly or being late to church. John knew that he was completely at the Bishop’s mercy. But this is what he wanted. This is what he had prayed for, to have structure in his life. He was ready to accept whatever the Bishop said.
The Bishop opened up the Ordnung, the rules that governed life in their community. He began reading reasons that one might be excommunicated. Most of them dealt with things like fornication and drunkenness and the like. But then he got to leaving the Amish community, and severing fellowship. John knew that he had been guilty of that, everybody knew.
“And what sayest thou in response?” Asked the Bishop.
John had prepared a defense. “You said that I may be treated as a visitor, and stay with an Amish family if I could. That is what I have done. If it so pease the church, I would like my host, Deborah to vouch for me that I have obeyed the Ordnung these past few weeks as a member of her household. Not only that, but I have helped with the chores and done much to improve their financial situation.”
The Bishop and the Deacons behind him did not look impressed. “Is this the case.” He asked Deborah.
“It is,” she said. “Since the passing of my husband our family has been in great need of a man to help with all of the chores.”
The Bishop looked offended. “And why have you not sought out help from the church in this case? We are a close knit community that supports one another. That is part of what makes us Amish,” replied the Bishop.
“Helping is what makes us Amish, is that right?” Asked John.
“That is a big part of it,” replied the Bishop.
“If that is the case, then I can prove that I am dedicated to my faith in God and in living as an Amish. I have money that I have saved up that I will give to Deborah and Mary. They will not need to sell their house or their farm.”
The room fell silent. The Bishop paused for a few moments before answering. “But we could excommunicate you right now, and then you would never be able to benefit from your generous gift.”
“If I understand the Ordnung correctly,” continued John, “If I am shunned, no member of the church would be able to receive anything from me. Which means that I have to give the gift now, before you can excommunicate me. I have already found what I was looking for, even if you kick me out. It only took one family to take me in and show me love for me to trust in God again. I know that He lives and that serving Him is more important than serving the Amish or the Ordnung or anything else. Do with me what you must, but my conscience is clear,” said John.
There was commotion as what John had said came as a surprise. Mary and Deborah had tears in their eyes at such a kind offer. The Bishop and the Deacons conferred together before they rendered a decision.
“Are you sure about this, John? You know you don’t have to,” said Deborah.
“Yes, I am more sure about this than anything I have ever done,” he said. “You and Mary have been a huge blessing in my life. More than you could ever know. So I need to show you how grateful I am.”
Mary and Deborah gave him a hug together. John felt that he had found the belonging that he had longed for. Whether or not he was shunned, he didn’t care. He now had faith in people again.
The Bishop motioned for everybody to be silent again. “As you know, the Amish culture depends on strict adherence to the Bible and to the Ordnung. If we deviate with something small, soon it will become bigger and eventually our culture is lost. That is how we have done things for 400 years. But, the Deacons and I have decided that John has shown his commitment to serving others and to faith in God to such a degree that it absolves him of any of his transgressions against the church. We deem that he not be excommunicated. This is contingent on him fulfilling his promise of course.”
John nodded at the Bishop who nodded right back at him. There was a big heart in him all along. John saw his father in the corner or the room looking at him with the typical Amish reserve. But then he smiled and walked over.
“Son, I am so proud of you.” He hugged John. “You know that is all a father ever hopes for, that he can be proud of his son. Your mother would be proud too.”
“Father, I’m sorry for…”