Remember Me (Men of Honor Series Book 1) (14 page)

“Who is this?” She held up the cell phone. “Who is this woman in the picture, Ben?”

Ben’s heart dropped to his gut. He stared at the photo on the phone Tess held, the image shaking because of her trembling hand. From anger or hurt he wasn’t sure. Most likely both. But every part of him ached, because his actions were the cause.

“I asked you a question, Ben.”

“Let’s sit down.” He tried to guide her to the sofa, but she pulled away.

“No! No more games. No more lies.” She shook her head. Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. Twists of hair had come undone from the clip on the back of her head, causing wisps of blonde to caress her cheek. He reached out to tuck them behind her ear. She stepped back.

Her green eyes were dark from hurt and frustration. What he wouldn’t give for them to be filled with love like they were not long ago. But he’d taken that from her. It was his fault her heart broke before, and it was his fault it was broken now.

“Who’s in the picture, Ben?” Venom filled her voice unlike anything he’d heard from her before. So this was what it felt like to have the weight of the world on your shoulders. The source of all joy ripped out from under you. He had no one to blame but himself. That fact alone crushed him. Turning from her, he leaned on the counter with both hands. He couldn’t look in her eyes anymore. The pain was too great. His head drooped.

When he’d left Tess the week before their wedding, he did it thinking it was best for everyone. But his heart knew he’d only caused her the agony he felt now, and it ripped through him like a firestorm.

“Her name is Sophia.” The words cut his throat like a knife, the intensity of Tess’s emotions palpable. She wouldn’t understand. Wouldn’t listen. Not now. Anger emanated from her and wrapped around him like a vise. It was hard to breathe.

“Who is she? Is she the reason you left me?”

His head snapped up. “No! She has nothing to do with what happened.”

He didn’t think it possible, but her eyes grew colder.

He blew it. He’d remembered everything. And now she knew the truth.

***

Tess’s stomach churned. Heat pulsed through her veins. Never before had she been this angry. Not even when she sobbed her eyes out over the note Ben left months before.

The buttons from the side of the phone dug into her hand. She tossed it and his badge on the kitchen counter in front of him, not wanting to see his smiling face next to this woman. Sophia. She rolled the name over and over in her mind. A beautiful name, really. But the thought of ever speaking it left her tongue dry and her mouth sour. If she wasn’t the reason he left her, then what was?

“You remember.”

He nodded. He dropped his head again, his eyes closed.

“How much do you remember?”

“Everything.” He rubbed his eyes with his fingers and turned to her again. “I remember everything.”

“It was when you fell off your surfboard, wasn’t it?”

“Yes.” He looked her straight in the eye. “Did you know right away?”

Tess moved toward the sofa and sank down into the cushions. The fatigue from a twelve-hour shift mixed with the emotional roller coaster she rode was taking its toll. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. A small part of her thought for sure the truth would bring her some measure of peace, closure of some kind. Secrets weren’t her thing. She and Ben both hated lies. And never in a million years could she ever imagine him with another woman. But the proof was in the picture. Tears stung her eyes again. She let them fall. She was done being strong. Done holding back her feelings.

Ben took a step in her direction, but she stopped him with one hand raised.

“Don’t.”

He would try to console her, hold her tight and tell her it would all be fine. It wasn’t fine. Nothing was fine.

He leaned back against the counter and crossed his arms. He rubbed his beard.

“The answer to your question is no.” Her lip quivered. “I didn’t figure out that day that you remembered. I entertained the thought, yes. But honestly, who I am to talk? I’ve known all along who you are, and I didn’t tell you. Mike said it was better for you to remember on your own. And I was confused and blindsided. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I really am.” She looked toward the phone on the counter. “I thought I was over it. Over you. But then you came back.” She chuckled. “In the craziest way possible.” Her smile faded. “But not by choice.” She sighed and looked him in the eye. “What happened to us? We prided ourselves on how much we trusted each other. Did you leave me for another woman?” She asked the question in a whisper, unsure if her heart was ready for the answer or not.

Ben cringed. He swiped at his eyes with his hand then re-crossed his arms. Was he crying? The damp and red-rimmed look he gave was her answer. She’d only seen Ben cry once in his life. His parent’s funeral. A piece of her anger chipped away. Maybe he did have a good explanation for what was going on. But how much more could her heart really take?

“I’m so sorry, Tess.” He shook his head. “Those words are stupid and hollow, I know. But they’re the truth.”

“I have no idea what’s true anymore.”

“Sophia’s just a friend.”

She snorted a laugh.

Ben moved around the kitchen island. He turned a bar stool around to face her and sat down.

“By the way you two look in that picture, she’s a friend who makes you very happy.” Her tone was nasty, but she didn’t care. Bitterness rose in her throat and any tenderness toward him she’d had before evaporated once more.

“Look, Tess. You know me. I would never cheat on you.”

“Ben, at the moment I have absolutely no idea who you are.”

“That’s not true.”

“Of course it’s true!” The shrill tone in her voice bounced off the walls. “The Ben I knew wouldn’t have left me at the altar with next to no explanation, breaking my heart into a thousand pieces. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you your identity. I am. And I’m not mad you remembered and didn’t say anything. I’m upset because you ripped yourself from my life and you still haven’t explained why.”

She leaned back again, every last ounce of her energy spent.

“I came here to start over, thinking I would never be whole again. I was just beginning to think I could heal. I could put everything behind me. Then you showed up in the hospital where I work of all things and now, here we are. And who is Jake? Why do you have an ID that isn’t yours?”

“Tess, you have to believe that I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

“I don’t have to believe anything. I’m more questions than answers at this point.”

She looked down at her hands folded in her lap. Weariness and nausea moved through her like a wave. Tiny pieces of her heart began to break off one by one. “Please, Ben. Just go.”

***

Her eyes went cold again. Ben believed for a moment he’d broken through her resolve to a place where he could reach her. But the moment was gone. Even if he spilled his guts right now, told her the entire story, she wouldn’t believe him. He’d given up any right to her trust the day he wrote that note and walked away.

“You’re right. You don’t have to believe anything. And I have no right to ask you to.”

He slid from the barstool and grabbed the badge and cell phone. At the back door, he turned to face her. Her puffy face and red eyes tore at his insides. It couldn’t be the last time he ever saw her. He wouldn’t allow it.

No. He needed to get things resolved with Carlos and Sophia and then see if he and Tess had any future.

“I’ll see you later.”

Instead of “good-bye,” Tess had always said, “See you later.” There was hope in those words, where “good-bye” was too final. As he closed the glass door behind him, Ben prayed those words still held hope for him now—hope for them. A life without Tess was no life at all. And he would do everything necessary to make things right.

***

Ben sat with his bare feet propped up on the fiberglass hull. The
Hideaway
was his dad’s big splurge when he’d retired. A 1994, thirty-five-foot Cabo Express, it was his dad’s escape to fish, relax. After his parent’s death, the
Hideaway
became Ben’s, and it was his respite from the world. His only place of peace. He had a small apartment in Ocean Beach where he could walk to the water to surf. But since he’d returned to San Diego, he’d spent every night on the boat.

However, he hadn’t been able to find any peace since he left Tess a few days before. Mike called once, told him she seemed okay, but Ben knew better. He’d seen her face when he left. He’d broken her heart not once, but twice. He would never be able to forgive himself for that. How could he ask her to?

Leaving Tess the first time was tough, but he’d been blinded by wanting to avenge his parent’s death. This time, as he walked away, part of his soul tore, leaving a gaping hole he knew only Tess could fill.

But mulling over it for the past few days gave him a measure of clarity. As much as it gutted him to leave Tess again, being far away from her was the best way to keep her safe. If he was here pretending to be Jake Wilson, he could keep an eye on Carlos. Make sure he wasn’t paying any attention to Tess. Protecting her right now was more important than being with her.

He’d thought of calling her, telling her the whole story. Explain why he left. But the wounds were still too fresh. He knew that. Even if he did give her the whole story, she might not believe him. And if by some miracle she
did
believe him, she had no reason to forgive him.

A sailboat glided by. Headed to sea, it broke the glass surface of the water. The
Hideaway
rocked in its wake. Ben used to love coming out here with his dad. Sometimes they’d take the boat out to sea for a day of fishing, but most of the time, they just enjoyed the quiet of the marina. The squawk of the sea gulls overhead. The breeze floating through the sails of boats docked nearby. Nothing could touch them. Not the world of crime and greed and death they faced daily. Just peace. His dad was a quiet man. Not the stereotypical boisterous Italian. That personality described his Irish mother. Both headstrong and stubborn in their own ways, but huge-hearted people filled with a love for others and a desire to change the world.

Ben crumpled his empty Red Bull can and tossed it in the trash. He used to think his parents’ desire to change the world was exactly what caused their deaths. But working with Carlos taught him otherwise. Sin was in the world, plain and simple. And the devil was having one hell of a time. His parents saw their work as a mission field. A way for them to share the love of Jesus in proactive ways. They hoped to change lives. Lives like Sophia’s.

When Tess held up Ben’s phone and Sophia’s smiling face stared back at him, his world had spun. He’d told the truth. Sophia
was
just a friend. A friend he was trying to help. As Carlos Menendez’s sister, Sophia was caught in a world she wanted no part of. She wanted out. When Ben came into Carlos’s organization posing as a guy down on his luck and wanting to make fast money, his main goal was to nail Carlos for his crimes and move on. But when Sophia asked for his help, he couldn’t say no. “Lives saved and lives changed,” his dad used to say. “That’s why we do what we do, Son.”

Ben had lost sight of that when he went after Carlos. Grief stricken over his parents’ murders, he only wanted revenge. Justice. But his misguided motivation caused more pain than healing. Seeing Tess again, seeing what truly mattered in life, he now just wanted to be done with the case and move on. He would help Sophia get out and be done.

His cell phone rang, pulling him from his thoughts. It was his undercover phone.

“Wilson.” It amazed him how his cop instincts returned immediately when he recovered his memory. Alert. Aware at all times. He couldn’t afford to slip up, think of himself as Ben Russo. He was Jake Wilson.
Had
to be until the job was done.

“Jake. Where have you been?”

“Hi, Sophia.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. Hearing her voice again brought back the reality of her situation. The severity of her world and how much he needed to help her escape.

“I’ve called and left you messages.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I had to…leave town for a while. Is everything okay?”

“Yes. Carlos was angry at first. Thought maybe you’d gone to the police or something. That you were a traitor. But he had guys scope the police department for a week or so and they didn’t see you.”

The hair on the back of Ben’s neck stood on end. He was grateful he thought to rent a car and leave his cell phone behind. Carlos
was
keeping an eye on him. That didn’t help explain the attack on Tess or the guy in her house though. If Carlos hadn’t followed him, he didn’t know where Ben had gone, or where Tess lived.

“I just had some…personal business to take care of.”

“Are you back now? Can I see you soon?”

“Yes, I’m back.” Ben didn’t know yet how to answer her other question. They were friends, yes, but he worried she thought it could be more, and he wanted to discourage that as much as possible.

He heard shuffling in the background.

“I need to go, Jake. We’ll talk again soon.”

He ended the call and rubbed his beard. It was time. Time to return to the grubby, horrid existence of undercover work. A completely different world from the one he had only a week ago with Tess. He thought of the grungy house where he lived as Jake Wilson, and cringed. Being back in that hellhole now made his skin crawl. What he wouldn’t give to be with Tess on her back porch, soaking in the sun and the sight of her.

Lives saved and lives changed
. His dad’s words slid into the forefront of his thoughts. He would save Sophia’s life and then hopefully change his own. He prayed that change involved a future with Tess. At this point, God was the only one with the power to make that happen.