Authors: Bernard Langley
Dink made his way downstairs to have his morning
meal pill with Petunia. She
was there waiting for hi
m, arms folded across her
bosom, hair dishevelled like some wild ani
mal, and grinning at him as he
imagined a maniac might.
“
Morning Pet
,”
he began
timidly.
“
I KNOW
!”
s
he shouted back, throwing his morning meal pill directly at his head.
“
Ow!” he yelped,
as the pill hit him squarely in the forehead
,
before replying meekly “
thank you
.”
“
She’s got him whipped!
“
s
aid Crinkle with evident glee.
Crinkle was sitting on Slip’s shoulders now, and they had made their way over to the window outside Dink’s building. Perched high up on a sort of fire escape balcony, they each eagerly peered through the kitchen window waiting for the next instalment to begin.
“
How’s your pill sweetheart
?”
a
sked Dink.
“
ARRGGHHHHHHHHHHH
!”
s
he bellowed from across the breakfast table, grabbing a nearby laser bread knife.
“
Oh is that for me
?”
he asked
indicating his slice of toast.
“
YES
!”
s
he screamed
, plunging the knife into his
hand
,
“
DIE! DIE! DIE
!”
Pete, Slip & Crinkle all looked on in horror as Petunia repeatedly stabbed the laser bread knife into Dink’s defenceless hand. Pete could do nothing to dispel the feeling of familiarity he was experiencing. It had been dawning on him for some time now
, and
he could no longer avoid the conclusion that Petunia was his ex
,
Sarah, and
that
he was Dink. This was uncanny he thought, she even looked like her, were it not for the multi-dimensional chin. He watched helplessly as Dink’s hand turned to pulp under the relentless onslaught of Petunia’s laser knife assault.
“
Darling, please stop that
,”
said Dink with quite unbelievable calm.
“
DIE! Die! Die,”
finished Petunia before dropping the knife.
“
That’s the second hand you’ve destroyed this week, what’s got into you
?”
“
I just really hate you Dink
,”
she answered deadpan
,
“
anyway, I’ve gotta get ready
,”
and that said
,
she went back upstairs.
Dink stared at the mutilated hand in front of him, then whistled for the hover phone. A telephone of sorts then flew out of nowhere and attached itself to his face.
“
Emergencies & Accidents please
,”
he said into the device.
…Dialling…
“
Oh hello, it’s Dinkle Mormid, it’s about my hand
.”
“
Yes, what seems to be the problem sir
?”
as
ked a voice from the phone.
“
Well, I need a new one
.”
“
A new hand huh, well let me see. Says here
,
this will be you
r
second hand this week
.”
“
Yes that’s right, I lost the other one
,”
he lied.
“
Lost your hand huh, very well sir. And what prey tell happened to the one we issued you earlier this week
?
”
“
Er, I lost it
.”
“
So you’re s
aying that you’ve in fact lost two
hands this week
?”
“
Yes, that’s right
.”
“
You really aught pay more attention to where you put them sir
.”
“
Indeed
,”
he agreed,
amputating what remained of his hand and then cau
terising his wrist
with the laser bread knife
as he spoke, so that a smooth stump remained.
“
Well you’re in luck, we’ve just harvested a new hand crop this morning
.”
“
That’s handy
.”
“
Do you think that is funny sir
?”
“
Er, no, sorry
.”
“
We can fit you in
at fifteen clicks
to mean hour eleven
, okay
?”
“
Er, yes, thanks
,”
he replied glancing at fission watch.
“
See you then, good day
.”
“
What was all that about
?”
a
sked Pete.
“
Must have ordered a new hand
,”
answered Slip nonchalantly.
“
A new hand! As in a hand, that’s new
?
!”
s
aid Pete bemused.
“
Yeah
handy huh?
!”
p
ut in Crinkle.
“
Think that’s funny?
!”
s
aid Slip sternly.
“
No, sorry
.”
“
Yeah
that’s right
,”
continued Slip
,
“
must have advanced cloning or gene regeneration techniques on this planet. Nothing to it really, simply
a
case of growing a new hand, and then attaching the new hand to where the old one was
.”
“
Wow doc groovy, never knew you were medically trained
!”
s
aid Crinkle sarcastically.
“
Actually I’m not Crinks, I just happen to know these things, like to keep myself at the cutting edge
,”
replied Slip, without an ounce of irony.
“
More like blunting edge
,”
she said
under her breath.
“
So we follow him to hospital and confront him there
?”
a
sked Pete.
“
Yeah
, sounds like a plan
,”
agreed Slip.
“
What if he decides we’re just a bunch of nutters
?”
a
sked Crinkle.
“
I think I can help there
,”
replied Pete
,
“
come on , he’s leaving
.”
So Pete, Slip and
Crinkle followed Dink as he left to get his new hand attached. Pete stared at Dink as he got into his transportable, and could not help but feel empathy with this soon to be evil galactic Emperor. The Renegade gang had hailed one of Spank’s public transportables and told the driver CPU to follow Dink, so as Slip and Crinkle bunked down to catch some sleep, Pete had a chance to think about what he was doing. He was convinced now that his plan to persuade Dinkle Mormid from his path to Co-leen leadership would succeed, he felt a sort of kinship with the brow-beaten Dink and realized that if anyone would be able to get through to him
,
then it would be him. He could almost see how Dink’s life had taken shape, with Petunia attacking him at every opportunity. He imagined that Dink had some lousy, monotonous job, where people just ignored his potential everyday, and he almost forgave him for the evil that he had yet to unleash
upon the universe
. It was all so clear to him now,
he
would save Dinkle Mormid, save the universe from the Co-leen, and save planet Earth, it was all just a matter of time.
28.
Crinkle left Slip to collect his most really amazing chap in the uni
verse ever award on his own, having
decided that she was not going to pander to his egomania any longer. Outside she decided to put as much distance between herself and Slip as hupa
lly possible, and set off confidently
at a brisk pace. She decided that Hupa Hool was not where your wildest dreams came true after all, for she had been there for seemed like entire circuits, and all she felt was irritation.
Aft
er marching for forty or so click
s, or what Crinkle’s reduced stature took for marching anyway, she decided she was lost. Looking around, she found herself in a dark and dreary forest. The trees were deep-rooted and ancient, and appeared to whisper to one another as she made her way by them. There appeared to be little other life, except for the odd fly that lurched out in front of her
,
seemingly drunk on some kind of insect cider, and a lone bird’s cry that randomly pierced the forest, shaking her from her internal monologue. All about she found richly coloured mushrooms in clumps around the tree trunks, mushrooms that seemed oddly familiar to Crinkle, though she could not for the life of her remember why.
“
What am I doing here?
!”
s
he said to nobody in particular, though she imagined the surrounding trees acknowledged her statement with whispered assent.
“
I mean seriously, how did I get here,
and
what am
I doing with my life, I mean,
my death?
!”
Nobody answered her directly, though a faint wolf’s cry echoed somewhere in the distance.
“
What’s so wonderful about this place anyway?
!”
s
he continued becoming incr
easing unnerved and growing even
more upset
with every footfall
,
“I wish…”
She paused for a moment as she approached a larger than usual clump of the toxic looking mushrooms.
“
I wish…
“
“
Yes little one, what do you wish
?”
asked
a voice from nowhere.
“
I wish I was alive
!”
s
he finally blurted out, suddenly becoming aware that someone else had spoken.
“
By Hupa Hools, what a thing
to say! Be careful what you wish for little one
!”
s
aid the voice.
The voice was coming from one of the mushrooms directly in front of her. As she approached, she observed
that
the voice had come from something perched on the largest of all the mushrooms there, though she was struggling to make out exactly what.
With an effort of will she managed to bring into the focus the originator of the voice, and as it all became clear
,
she felt that either it was rapidly expanding in front of her so that it now filled her entire view, or else she had suddenly shrunken down to size of a mouse and now perched on the very mushroom she was observing but a moment ago.
“
Who are you?
!”
d
emanded Crinkle.
“
Who me
?
”
replied
the figure
,
“
why I’m nobody
.”
The figure could be likened to a giant caterpillar, it sat on it’s larvae like body and looked most at ease resting atop this largest of all the mushrooms. It puffed on an enormous pipe and sent smoke billowing so that it engulfed her as a mist might. All told, the caterpillar looked decidedly at home, and eyed her as
a
chess grandmaster might e
ye an o
pponent who called the knights “
horsies
”
.