RETRACE (20 page)

“Pleased to meet you.” The man’s rigidness softens. “You must be very special, it’s the first time we get to meet Reeves’ girlfriend.”

“I’m not sure about the special part, but it’s nice to meet you too.” I can feel my cheeks cover in light warmness.

“Oh dad, she’s not his girlfriend.”

I can’t help the glare darted Katie’s way.

Katie smiles, taking a few steps to reach us. “Don’t embarrass her.” She sends me a friendly smile.

It’s like labelling has become a new religion. What’s everyone’s obsession with classifications these days?

“Hi again, Nia.” She gives me a brief hug and turns to give Reeves the same treatment. Katie and Reeves share a private joke that ends with Katie pushing his chest and Reeves ruffling her blond locks.

“You can take a seat, we’ll get the food,” Stanley says, sending his hand to the small of his wife’s back, guiding her to the kitchen.

Reeves’ hand finds mine as we make our way to the dining room. My eyes instinctively fall to our linked hands. I slowly bring them up to look at him, finding him gently smiling. The thuds in my chest seem to get louder. As we settle next to the table, three things I can’t seem to overlook happen in quick succession:

Reeves eyes constantly escape to some point at the opposite side of the room.

Katie’s eyes burn into our joined hands.

Katie friendly pushing Reeves aside to sit next to me, between us, saying he gets to spend enough time with me and it’s her turn now.

When Stanley sets the roast chicken and potato dish on the table, Katie and I are already deep in conversation. Katie shows much interest in my job, asking about dancing and the girls. She tells me in return about her studies and college life. Without much effort, her easy and friendly charm makes me feel welcomed. I can see why Reeves is fond of her. She is just sweet.

Standing behind Reeves, Beth lays her hand on his shoulder and says, “I made your favorite dish.” Reeves brings his hand to cover hers and thanks her. “Okay now, I’m just getting the salads, you can start eating.” She unties the apron from around her full waist.

“So how did you two meet?” Beth smiles my way after making sure everyone has piled enough food on their plates. I chance a glance at Reeves whose face is lit with wicked glee.

“Go ahead, you tell them,” he tells me through a smirk. I narrow my eyes at him.

“Um, it was one of those accidental encounters… Due to some mix-up we both ended up with the same hotel room, and Reeves kind of walked in on me.”

“She nearly jumped out of her skin,” Reeves adds in a tone that makes me blush all over.

“Bet it was a memorable encounter,” Stanley says in his heavy drawl.

“Oh,
it was
. Epic. I’ll never be able to forget it.” Reeves almost illuminates the room with the amusement glowing off him. I pin him with a warning stare which he counters with a wink.

“How’s work?” Stanley asks Reeves next, thankfully, letting me out of the spotlight. Reeves tells him about his recent trip to Cuba, which leads to the both of them falling into a private conversation. Listening to Katie and Beth talk about Katie’s upcoming exams, I still manage to hear Reeves tell Stanley about an offer he got for a job that might have him travelling for a few months.

My heart sinks to the floor.

By dessert I’m already half in love with the Evans. It’s a combination of their pleasant personalities, how welcomed they make me feel, and mostly, the obvious love they all share for Reeves.

Beth pats her lips with a napkin, smiling at me. “I hope we’ll get to see more of you, Nia.”

I smile in response, not sure how to answer.

“It’s so kind of you to offer to teach Katie some dance moves.”

“I’ll be more than glad to do both. I think Katie and I will have a great time.” A warm, fuzzy feeling washes over me when Reeves smiles at me next. It’s a supple smile, a wholehearted one.

“Reeves, would you like to show Nia around while we take care of the dishes?” Beth asks.

“We should help, it’ll be quicker,” Reeves answers, and Beth dismisses it with a shake of her head.

“Katie will help us, you show Nia the place, go.” She beams at him. The Evans start clearing the table as Reeves pulls back my chair for me.

Reeves jaw stones over as we halt by what I can only describe as a shrine. Pictures, many of them, in all ages. Trophies from sports competitions, army medals, and many more mementos featuring a blonde, brown eyed twenty-something. I study the young, handsome guy, a spitting image of his dad, smiling at me from the many pictures as Reeves softly says, “Ben.”

My heart squeezes at the undercurrent in his voice. He doesn’t give me enough time to get into the details in the cabinet and pulls me away to see the rest of the ample home.

He closes the door behind us once we are in a plaid style room, one that cannot be mistaken as to whom it may belong. My eyes run from wall to wall, collecting the memorabilia that tells of Reeves’ best friend. I learn that Ben was an Indians and Anime fan by the large, framed posters decorating the walls. Reeves spins me to face him.

“I’m so glad you are here with me.” He grabs my face from both sides and kisses me, hard, urgent, pressing. Between sucking my lips and delicately attacking my mouth, he says my name, “Nia.” Another kiss. “I…” He pulls me closer, reverently exploring my mouth. Anxious to hear what he’s trying to tell me, I shift every control over to him, dissolving into his hold. Alert, I wait to hear what he is about to tell me. “I,” he pulls back to look at me, but then kisses me again. This time with greater intent.

At a knock on the door, Reeves freezes and the magic instantly dies. Just as quickly as he was kissing me, he lets me go. He jerks back so rapidly that I almost lose my balance. Katie’s blond halo pops into the room.

I can feel it deep inside, I’ve felt it moments ago in his touch, in his kiss, whatever was about to leave his mouth was something I really wanted to hear.

“Here you are. Can I steal her for a few?” Katie asks with an easy grin.

“Sure.” Reeves coughs and shoves a hand to his front pocket. My cheeks flush at his response, to the not so covert way he just adjusted himself.

My blood still pumps through my veins and Reeves is all over my mind as Katie hands me a vanilla ice cream container. Her eyes scrutinize me, her lips pulled up with a gentle grin. Her warm smile manages to calm me down a bit after the emotional whirlwind Reeves just put me through. Katie sprinkles roasted coconut flakes into the bowl.

“Are you in love with him?” She turns to me, sucking on a vanilla covered finger. My eyes jump from the container to her.

“Whah? No!” I blurt. “We’re just friends,” I say, ice cream scoop held frozen in my hand.

She blinks at me, takes one step to stand at the very rim of my personal space. Her voice next is low, tinted with an irate undercurrent.

“Good.” Her eyes slice mine. The way her mouth twists into a threatening smile makes me think that the angelic looking girl facing me is about to grow red horns.

“Good. Very good. Because he doesn’t love you. Nor sees you as anything more than a friend.” Her eyes crinkle. “
Friend
,” she lightly chuckles. “Excuse me,” she puts a hand on her chest, her mouth curved in malice. “By friend I mean fuck buddy, of course.” My jaw drops at the hundred and eighty degree turn in her act. Drops of melted ice-cream fall from the utensil in my hand as I gape at her in shock.

“Let me just make it crystal clear for you, so we won’t have any misunderstandings. Okay?” I put the scoop to the container, railed up and utterly muddled. “Reeves and I have always loved each other. Unfortunately, the time was never right for us to be together. I was too young, then we lost Ben, my studies, his work. But not for much longer now.” The cruel small smile she has on grows. “You, my dear, are a toy. Just a toy to fill his time, and needs. A pretty one this time…” Her fixated eyes on me taper. I don’t think she even blinks. “So please don’t get your hopes high.” That’s it, I have had enough, more than enough. Although he never actually said it out loud, I know just how much Reeves cares for me.

“Listen,” I start with an intimidating voice of my own.

“No, you listen,” she cuts me off. “Did he once even imply he has feelings for you? That you might be anything but friends?”

I open my mouth to oppose but snap it shut in bitter recognition. No he didn’t.

“Let me ask you this: how many times has he left you to run to me?” Cold sweat trickles down my spine in tandem to a surge of bile that rapidly swims up my throat.

“What’s up with dessert?” Reeves voice reaches us from the door. Katie, on cue, adjusts her sweet mask. She sends her hand to hug me and plants a friendly kiss on my cheek.

“Oh Reeves, I like her so much,” she sings.

I’m not sure where to look or what to do anymore, I’m too exasperated and stunned.

And hurt.

Reeves helps us carry the ice cream bowls to where Beth and Stanley wait in the living room. I make a great effort not to meet Reeves’ eyes, or Katie’s. When the Evans fall into conversation about a property they might purchase, Reeves inches closer to me.

“Hey, you feeling well? You’re kind of pale.” He gives me a second check.

I grab the opportunity with two hands. “I’m not feeling so good. Maybe I’ll just leave now. I can call for a cab.”

“No,” he says firmly. “I’ll take you home.” I don’t know what to feel anymore, tears clog my throat when I try to find my words. I’m following Reeves on auto-pilot as he excuses us, telling Beth I’m not feeling well. I return Stanley’s shake and Beth’s hug with manufactured gestures. When Katie hugs me next, showing a magnificently performed concern for my wellbeing, I feel like sprinting out the door and never looking back. Regretting I came here in the first place.

Luckily, Reeves lets me be and keeps silent all through the drive back. I try to convince him it’s better I sleep by myself but he doesn’t even want to hear about it. He tells me there’s not even a slight chance he’ll let me be alone with the way I look. Adding so much more to the turmoil already wildly twirling inside of me.

It’s on the tip of my tongue to confront him, tell him what Katie just told me, tell him that I’m falling for him, and that I can’t go on this way. But I don’t. I want to think it over before talking to him. I need to understand what I want to tell him first, before I actually do.

The realization of what I need to do, or better yet, stop doing, surges through me after a not so extended, painful diagnosis of our relationship so far. With the first tear rolling out of my eye while I lie in the dark next to a sleeping Reeves, it becomes clear, too clear. I should just let him go. If this is how I feel now, I can’t imagine what will happen to me if he breaks my heart, which all the signs so far have shown he eventually will. Yes, I can do it. I can be without Reeves. I could really do it. Just like I could drink decaf coffee, champagne without fizz and dance without music.

It should be back to basics for us, the right and feasible thing to do is keep him as a friend and friend only, nothing more than that. Sadly so, including pulling the plug on the benefits part of “our deal”. No complications. I should close the part of my heart that has his name written all over it and maybe start seeing other people. Seeing other people should help take my mind off him.

The comprehension compresses my lungs. I can hardly breathe but I know it’s the right thing to do. Right now I miss Patrick more than ever, I wish I could talk to him. He always knew how to make me feel better. And it seems both people I want the most aren’t mine to have. Not Patrick and apparently not Reeves.

I take the stairs to the level below almost as a reflex. It’s a habit I’ve adopted, a customary visit to Nia before heading out. It’s one of our things, one of our many things, that is. I’m bathed, donning Jake’s unofficial uniform, all black attire, though I’m not even working this evening. I’m meeting Jake for some stuff he wanted me to help him with, and we’ll probably hang out at the bar. There’s a pretty cool local band playing later.

I think about the new rituals we’ve developed, Nia and me. It brings the pull to my lips, the one I’ve been constantly wearing lately, to lift even higher. It’s been a while since I either ended the day, or began a morning without saying hello to her, hanging out together. It will be a lie to say I’m not more than enjoying it, waiting for it. Somehow her company, our being together, just makes everything… better. Much better. I shake my head at the half summersault my heart does as I take the last step in the hall to her apartment.

I stop short and my brows sink as my eyes meet the guy standing with his fist mid-air, debating if to knock or not, on Nia’s door. He is all dressed up and… what the fuck is that? He has a goldfish in a plastic bag in his other hand.

What’s going on here? It’s quite obvious the dude’s nervous. Putting one, two and lame three (a fish, really?) together, I realize he must be some sort of…
date
? The insta-burn inside of me can only be described as red possessiveness.

In less than a beat I’m pissed.
Majorly
, pissed. Hot-headedness takes over the greater part of my mind as I pass by him and lean with my shoulder on the doorframe, scrutinizing him with twisted lips. Like a juvenile dimwit, I cross my arms over my chest, giving him a clear display of my known-to-intimidate biceps. He eyes me for a moment.

I narrow my eyes at him, “Can I help you?”

“Err. I’m here for Nia,” he says, still observing me suspiciously.

“Is she expecting you?”

“I’m here to take her on a date.” If I was pissed off so far, it just took a greater momentum, I need to kill the urge to punch his face in.

What in the name of the ever-loving fuck? She’s dating now? Not that we’ve ever declared being exclusive, or declared anything for that matter, but still, she is in
my fucking bed
every night! My heart quickens together with the skyrocketing of my temper. And the bitter sting of our, whatever we have going on, meaning shit to her is borderline painful. Not wavering my eradicating stare from Fish Guy, I knock on the door with the back of my fist, still facing him.