Reunited with the Cowboy (11 page)

“In some ways it can be tricky, but in others it feels like the most natural thing in the world.”

Heather's smile grew. “That means a lot.”

John squeezed her shoulder, then brushed a wisp of Adana's hair out of her eyes, glad he had told Heather what he did. “You need a haircut, missy,” he said, covering up his momentary self-consciousness.

Heather agreed. “I was thinking of trimming her bangs, but wasn't sure you'd be okay with it.”

“When we get home you can do it.”

“It's a date,” she said.

“Let's go see what Gord has to offer today at the Grill and Chill.”

John pulled open the door of the café, and the cheerful hum of conversation, the clink of silverware and the occasional shout of laughter washed over them.

Allison Bamford, the owner's sister and part-time waitress, bustled past them, an empty coffeepot in one hand, a tray of dirty dishes in the other, her blond ponytail bobbing with every step. “Your parents are on the lower level,” she called out to John. “There's plenty of room with them.”

John looked around at all the full tables, not seeing any other option.

“Is that okay with you?” he asked Heather.

“Of course. I haven't seen your parents in ages.”

John worked his way among the crowded tables, then down three worn stairs to the lower level of the coffee shop, which had been added about ten years ago. He glanced around, then caught sight of his father's balding head just beyond a crowd of young people at a long, rectangular table. Beside him sat John's mother, her glasses pushed high on her head, messing up her short, graying hair. She was smiling at her husband, her gray eyes crinkling at the corners.

His dad looked up and caught John's attention. He waved them over with an exaggerated sweep of his arm.

But as he and Heather approached, John found his steps faltering. Across from them, at a table for six, sat Sandy's parents, Kim and Rex Panko. Kim, a petite brunette, looked as stylish as ever, with some kind of gauzy scarf wrapped around the shoulders of her pink dress. Rex looked like he always did. Golf shirt, khaki pants and a windbreaker embroidered with the name of his favorite hockey team.

This was unexpected. John had thought Kim and Rex were going to be out of town for at least another day. They hadn't called to let him know they were back.

He wasn't sure he wanted Sandy's parents to see him with Heather. Not when things were very precarious between them. Their relationship was too fragile for the scrutiny of his parents, let alone his in-laws.

“Hey, John,” his father called out, waving him over. “And our little Adana. This is a pleasant surprise.”

Too late to back out now.

His mother jumped to her feet, gave him a quick hug, then looked past him to where Heather stood with Adana. John caught the puzzlement in her expression and felt suddenly self-conscious.

“Um, you remember Heather Bannister,” he said, shooting a quick glance at her. She held back, appearing clearly distressed. “Heather's home at the ranch for a couple of weeks. Helping Keira with her bridal shower. She's the maid of honor.” He stopped his nervous chatter, aware that his father was looking at him with curiosity. His parents knew his history with Heather too well.

And he knew that they knew. It was going to be an uneasy few moments. Maybe they could stay for a cup of coffee and then use the excuse that Adana needed a nap to make a quick getaway.

“Of course I remember. Come, sit down,” his mother said, pushing out the chair beside her. “Hello, Heather. Wonderful to see you again.”

“Good to see you, too, Paige,” she replied, shifting Adana on her hip.

“And our little muffin.” John's mom leaned closer and gave her granddaughter a kiss. “Good to see you, sweetie.”

“Hi, Nana,” Adana said, grinning at her.

“Hey, baby girl,” Sandy's mother said, also getting up, arms extended. “Come sit with Granny. I missed you so much.”

But to John's consternation, Adana shook her head, clinging to Heather. “No, fank you.”

“Oh, come on, honey. Granny hasn't seen you for almost a week.” Kim moved closer, grabbing Adana under the arms as if to take her from Heather. But the toddler pulled away, waving her hand at Sandy's mother. “Don't want to see Gammy,” she cried out.

Kim's features seemed to crumple.

“Go to your granny,” Heather cajoled her, positioning her for the transfer.

“No. No. Stay wif Hevver.” Adana curled her arms around Heather's neck, and a distinctly uncomfortable silence fell.

“Well, this is an interesting development,” Kim finally said, sitting down, her arms crossed so tightly across her chest that John was surprised she could breathe, let alone speak.

Oh, boy.

Sandy's mother could be very proprietary where Adana was concerned. John had to make sure he kept the visits between Sandy's parents and his own equally balanced. It was exhausting at times.

“And what brings you to town?” he asked as he held a chair out for Heather, trying to find a way to break the silence that held everyone around the table in an awkward grip.

“Just wanted to get out,” his father said. “Treat your mother to some of Gord's famous pie.”

“John, you sound like you're coming down with a cold,” his mother said.

“Actually, just getting over it. I feel a lot better today than I did yesterday.”

“You make sure you get enough rest.” His mom gave him a gentle smile. “You've been pushing yourself way too hard lately.”

“Spoken like a typical mother,” he said, sending another concerned glance Heather's way, wondering how she was doing. She sat like a statue, her expression neutral, but John could see faint lines of tension bracketing her lips.

Allison stopped by, setting menus in front of them on the crowded table.

“I'll just have coffee,” John said, glancing at Heather and raising his eyebrows.

“The same for me,” she said. He didn't think he imagined the relief on her face when she realized they'd be there for only a short time.

“What about Adana?” Kim was asking. “Shouldn't she have something to eat?”

“I gave her a banana and some yogurt while John was at the machine shop,” Heather said. “And she just finished a whole juice box.”

“Is that enough?” Kim pressed.

Heather shot him a quick look, as if asking for backup.

“That's all she usually eats,” John said. “She'll be fine.”

Kim looked as if she was about to say something else, but then, thankfully, his mother jumped into the conversation.

“So, Heather, how are plans for the shower coming? Is there anything I can do to help?”

“They're coming well, and thanks for the offer. I have to buy a few things. I'm doing some baking. Mom is picking up some decorations in Missoula. She and Dad are coming home tonight, as are Keira and Tanner.”

“So you two are alone at the ranch? Where's Alice?” Kim again.

John almost cringed at her tone of voice, the sight of her pursed lips and narrowed eyes. For some reason, Kim had directed her question at Heather, but he chose to answer.

“When Alice found out that Heather was home for a while, she decided to go visit her aunt. She's not doing well, apparently.”

Kim's slow nod felt more like a judgment than an acceptance of the facts.

At that moment Allison returned with a pot and poured them cups of coffee. She refilled the rest, then left again.

“And how are things at the ranch?” John's father asked, changing the conversation.

“Good. Heather and I got all the precalving shots done.” John eagerly jumped on that safer topic as he spooned sugar into his coffee. “Fences are all up to snuff. We need some good spring rain to get the frost all the way out of the ground before the pastures green up.”

“Cattle prices are good,” Rex Panko chimed in, giving John a quick grin. “And that's all I know about cows.” He turned to John's dad. “Have you got your greenhouse going?”

“Of course. I've already got my Aspermums started and the cucumbers are doing well.”

John took a sip of coffee, glancing at his watch and wondering how long they had to sit there before it was polite to leave. Once his father got started on his plants and flowers and plans for the yard, he could go on for hours.

His mother asked Heather some questions about Keira's wedding. Safe topics, John thought, his attention mostly on Heather. She didn't look very comfortable and he suspected it had something to do with Kim.

“Will you be seeing your natural mother on this visit?” he heard Kim ask.

John knew he shouldn't eavesdrop, but her comment about Heather's mother caught his attention.

“I don't know where she is,” Heather said quietly. “We haven't talked in years.”

“I thought I saw her in Bozeman last time we were there,” Kim was saying. She turned to her husband, putting his hand on her arm. “Didn't we see Beryl, Heather's mother, there, Rex? When we went to that play?”

Rex shot her a puzzled look. “I...I don't know. Can't remember.”

“I'm sure we did. I thought I saw her at that pub, the Iron Horse. She looks just like you. Same slim figure, long blond hair and blue eyes.”

“Sounds like you could be describing about a quarter of the female population in Bozeman,” John said with a forced laugh. He wasn't sure he liked the way Kim was talking.

She gave him a tight smile. “Maybe, but I always thought that Heather and her mother looked so much the same. There were so many similarities between them they could have been sisters.”

John tried to figure out why she was doing this. Kim wasn't always the warmest person, but she wasn't vindictive. It seemed she was determined to remind Heather of her humble beginnings.

“Heather, what are your plans when your visit is over?” his mother was asking, breaking into the conversation. “Ellen told me you're only here for a short while. She's very sad about that.”

“I know, but I need to get to work,” Heather answered.

“I just heard that Seth over at the Feed and Seed is looking for someone to head up his tack and saddle division,” his father said. “You always were pretty knowledgeable about that sort of thing.”

“And didn't Marnie say something about looking for someone to run training clinics?” his mother mentioned. “For barrel racing. Your old specialty. You were one of the best. You could easily do this.”

“Sounds like fun,” Heather said with a faint smile. “I miss working with horses.”

“I could tell her you're interested.”

“I do have a job interview in Atlanta,” Heather said with a thoughtful frown. “But it's not for a week or so. I could talk to Marnie.”

The fragile hope that had been stirring in John's heart grew with Heather's last comment.

“This job interview, is it for your modeling work?” Kim asked.

“No. Office work. But still related to fashion.”

“I find it so interesting that you ended up in that field,” Kim continued, toying with the salad in front of her. “I know Sandy was never the slightest bit interested in clothes or makeup.”

“She liked dressing up sometimes,” John said, again puzzled by Kim's attitude.

“Maybe, but Sandy had other priorities,” her mother said with a smile. “Like her studies.”

“Sandy was a very smart girl. And she had a good heart. I was very lucky to have her as a friend.” Heather's voice grew quiet. Then she looked over at John, her expression pensive. “And John was blessed to have her as a wife.”

John was pleasantly surprised at how diplomatically Heather deflected Kim's comments and turned the conversation back to a positive note. “I
was
blessed,” he agreed, giving Heather a grateful smile. “I think anyone who knew her was.”

Heather returned his smile, then gently removed the napkin Adana had been shredding with her sticky fingers. “Don't play with that, honey,” she said. “Let me get you a toy.”

“I'll get it for you,” John said, reaching for the diaper bag hooked over the back of his chair the same time Heather did. Their fingers brushed and for a moment he surreptitiously caught her hand, giving it a squeeze of encouragement.

“I'm so sorry,” he whispered as he bent his head to pull a toy out of the diaper bag, hoping she understood what he was apologizing for.

“It's fine,” she whispered back, her returning smile showing him that she understood.

He found a small giraffe squeeze toy that Adana was especially fond of at the bottom of the bag. But as he handed it to his daughter, he caught Kim looking from him to Heather.

As if she knew what was happening.

And she didn't look pleased.

Chapter Eleven

“S
orry about that,” John said as they walked back down the street to where his truck was parked. “I didn't think my parents would be there, let alone Sandy's mom and dad.”

“It's okay,” Heather assured him, still holding Adana. She had tried not to let the comments Sandy's mother made get to her.

Seeing Sandy's parents had been harder than she'd expected it would.

When Heather was younger and would visit Sandy at her home, Kim had been unfailingly polite, but Heather often got the feeling that she didn't approve of her. It didn't seem as if that had changed. Adana's rejection of Kim in favor of her probably didn't help matters any.

“It was good to see your parents again,” Heather said as John unlocked the truck and opened the door for her. “Your mom hasn't changed a bit.”

“Still as spunky as ever,” John said. “Her and dad still put in a huge garden. They give half of it away, though.”

“Does your dad miss being on the ranch? I can't imagine him living in town.” Heather placed Adana in her car seat and quickly buckled her in.

“I think ranching for him was just a job. He loved working for your dad, but he likes being retired even more. And he seems to have found his passion in raising flowers.”

“But he was a really good ranch hand and foreman,” Heather said, surprised at the comment. “My dad always said he could never have found someone better.”

“He was. It just wasn't his life's dream.”

“Is it yours?”

John shrugged as he got into the truck. As he turned on the ignition, he slowly shook his head. “Is it my dream to be a hired hand? No. I have other plans.”

“What plans?”

John rested his hands on the steering wheel as if weighing what he was going to say. Then he turned to her. “You may as well know. Just before you came back, I gave your dad a proposal. To buy into the ranch. As a partner.”

Heather could only stare at him. “A partner with my father? Why?”

“He's getting older, and it doesn't look like Lee is coming back. Your dad is going to need a working partner fairly soon. And I'm not content to be a permanent hired hand, like my father was.”

Heather blinked, trying to absorb this information. “But Refuge Ranch has been in my father's family for decades.”

“I know. But I also know that your dad can't keep running it on his own, and like I said, I have plans.” He stopped there. “I want you to know this because of our history, and because I feel like things are changing between us. When you came back last week, your father warned me to be careful with you. And I wanted to be. I had my own plans, my own focus. I didn't want you to be a distraction.” He reached past his daughter and touched his finger to Heather's cheek, letting it linger a moment, then drift to her chin.

“I'm sorry if I was,” she said, suddenly breathless.

“I'm not.”

It was quiet for a moment as unspoken expectations thrummed between them. A glimpse of a future she wasn't sure she dared allow.

Then Adana grabbed at John's hand. “Go, Daddy. Go,” she said, and the moment disappeared.

But as John put the truck in Reverse, he glanced at Heather again, and she knew that remnants of what they had just experienced still lingered.

Her thoughts were a confused whirl of maybes and what-ifs. John buying into Refuge Ranch. Making plans for permanency. Did she dare make herself dependent again? When she'd left Mitch, she'd promised herself that from then on, her focus was going to be on taking care of herself and putting her own needs first.

But when John beamed at her, she felt a sense of coming home. A sense of hope.

“I think we can make this work,” he said quietly.

She felt a smile begin in her soul and spread to her face. “I think we can, too.”

Then, as John backed into the street, Heather saw Mr. and Mrs. Panko coming down the sidewalk. As they drew closer, Rex waved, but Kim clutched her purse, her smile seemingly forced.

The old misgivings, the old feelings of unworthiness set in. Kim could always do that to her.

Heather and John might have hopes and dreams, but there were other people to be considered. And she highly doubted that Kim would give her blessing.

“So, grocery store next?” John asked as they headed down the street.

Heather pulled herself back into the moment. “Yes. That would be good.” She reached for her purse and found her shopping list, reading over the mundane items as if to center herself.

Make a plan and stick to it.

She suddenly felt as if she were working her way through a dark passage, unable to see what was directly in front of her.

Help me make the right decision, Lord
, she prayed as she shoved the list back into her purse.

She closed her eyes, unclenching her hands as if trying to find out what that decision was.

“You okay?” John's voice broke into her thoughts, and as her eyes met his, she felt a peace flow through her. She would figure this out, she told herself.

“Yes, I am,” she said, forcing a smile.

“We can stop at the garage first and find out what's going on with your car,” he offered.

“Sounds good.”

“Did you want to stop in to talk to Marnie at the Seed and Feed? About the barrel-racing clinic she wants to start up?”

“I'll call her when I get home.”

“Of course,” he said.

Heather hated seeing the hope in his eyes fade away, but she had to find her footing before she headed in a different direction than originally planned.

One step at a time, she reminded herself. One step at a time.

An hour and a half later they were turning down the road leading to the ranch, groceries safely stowed in the back of the truck. Adana was fast asleep, her head drooping to one side.

“I feel bad that we have to wake her up when we get to the ranch,” Heather said as she carefully righted her head.

“She'll be okay,” John said. “I've come back from town many times and had to wake her up to move her to her crib, but she always falls right back asleep.”

“I hope so,” Heather said with a yawn, the thrum of the tires and the warmth of the cab lulling her. “I used to hate it when my mother would wake me up and I'd have to walk from the car to the apartment or hotel. I almost always fell somewhere along the way.”

“I take it you're talking about your natural mother.”

Heather felt a flush heat her cheeks. She didn't like speaking about her life with Beryl. Somehow her comment had just slipped out. She supposed it had something to do with what Kim had said about her. As if she was determined to remind Heather of where she came from.

It wasn't fair of Heather to make that assumption. Kim had known her first as Beryl's daughter, not as Monty and Ellen's.

“Yeah. I was. Bit of déjà vu.”

“What do you mean?”

Heather stifled the usual shame and guilt that surrounded any talk of her mother. “Kim always brought up my mother when I was around her. She always made me feel so confused about who I am.”

“How so?”

Heather couldn't help but think of the two couples they had just sat with. Sandy's and John's parents. Both still married to each other. Both married, period. A legacy of love and fidelity that wasn't part of Heather's own history.

“Beryl was my mother, I know, but she wasn't a good one, and I really struggle with my feelings toward her. I told you part of what it was like. I also spent a lot of time hungry. Many nights I slept in the backseat of a car, while we were driving from one town to another, or were parked outside of a bar. I was always ashamed of her and ashamed of my life because of what she would do.” Heather stopped there, tamping down the memories. “Monty and Ellen saved my life and showed me how a family works. But now and again I catch myself wondering how much of my mother is in me. How many of my choices came from her.”

John covered Heather's hand with his. “You are not your mother. You are your own person. You made your choices from a different place than she did. You've had Monty and Ellen giving you guidance.”

Heather considered his words, but wondered if she could believe them entirely. If she could completely escape her mother's legacy. She looked at Adana, Sandy's daughter. The little girl had managed to find a place in Heather's heart.

As she gazed back at John, the feeling hit her with devastating simplicity.

She wanted to be with him. She wanted to be with Adana.

But right on the heels of that thought came Kim's judging looks. The feeling that no matter how hard Heather tried, she would always be her mother's daughter. Heather tried to hold back the thoughts, but they made their way into her mind, and with them came memories of Mitch.

How he used to taunt her with the idea that she was just like her mother. How he used to make her feel as if she could never be good enough.

“See I have engraved you in the palms of my hands. Your walls are ever before Me.”

The words from church on Sunday erased the hurtful memory.

But it couldn't completely eliminate the feeling that she wasn't worthy. Maybe she was fooling herself, she thought, looking out the truck's window.

She closed her eyes, pressing her lips together.
Forgive me, Lord
, she prayed.
I'm not worthy to be a part of John's life. To be any kind of mother to Adana.

They topped the rise, then headed down the driveway to the ranch house. To her surprise, Monty's and Tanner's trucks were parked in front of it. They were back earlier than she thought they would be. And as John pulled up beside them, Heather felt as if reality had intruded along with the unexpected return of her family.

John parked the truck and she unbuckled Adana. Then he got the groceries out of the back.

John carried the plastic grocery bags as she climbed out, holding Adana close. As he had promised, the little girl simply laid her head on her shoulder and was already asleep again.

“Told you,” he said. “She'll pop back to sleep when you lay her in the crib.”

As they approached the house, the door opened and Keira came out, laughing, looking back over her shoulder at Tanner, who was right behind her. She stopped short, Tanner almost running into her. Keira's green eyes flicked from John to Heather, a mischievous smile crooking her mouth as if she guessed what had happened while they were gone. “So, you're back from wherever it was you went.”

“And you're back early.” Heather hoped she didn't sound as disappointed as she felt.

“The show wasn't as good as we thought it would be so we left this morning. Where did you go?”

“John drove me to town to check on my car and get groceries for the shower,” Heather explained, refusing to rise to the question she saw in her sister's eyes. “I thought I would make that lemon pound cake that you like, and turtle cheesecake squares. And I picked up some tissue paper to make some of those puffy balls to hang from the ceiling.”

She hoped talk of the shower would sidetrack Keira, but her sister was still grinning, obviously not distracted by Heather.

“Tanner and I were thinking of taking the horses out. It's a bit cold yet, but the fields are bare and I need to get out after being cooped up in the truck all week. You said you were going to come. Do you think John will join us?”

Heather couldn't stop the lift of her heart at the thought of riding Rowdy out in the hills with John.

And yet she felt a measure of reluctance. “I don't think so. Someone has to watch Adana, and Alice isn't back yet.”

“Dad can help Mom watch her,” Keira said. “Looks like Adana will sleep most of the afternoon, anyhow.”

“I'll stay behind,” John said, giving Heather an encouraging smile. “You go. You'll love it.”

“You should come, too, John,” Tanner interjected. “You said you wanted to work Clyde. Be a good time to see how he handles.”

John wavered, then Keira took the bags from his hands. “I'll put these away and tell Mom and Dad that they're babysitting.”

“Are you sure it'll be okay?” John asked.

“Go already. Heather and I will join you at the corrals.”

“Okay. I'm not going to argue with a Bannister woman.”

Heather tried to catch John's eye, but he and Tanner were already walking away, talking.

Keira was headed inside the house. Heather followed her, holding Adana, determined to do the right thing, but so tempted by the thought of riding with John.

Keira set the grocery bags on the kitchen counter and started putting them away. “Hello, darling,” her mother said as she got up to help. “How did you make out while we were gone?”

“Don't ask,” Keira said with a twinkle.

“What does that mean?”

“She means nothing,” Heather said, tossing her sister a warning glance. “How was your visit with the specialist?”

“Went well. He said I'm showing good improvement.”

“Gad to hear that. I'm going to put Adana in her crib.” She brushed a quick kiss over her mother's cheek, gave her father a wave of greeting and hurried up the stairs to the room where Adana usually slept.

Heather carefully laid the girl down and covered her with the quilt, tucking it around her body. She smoothed Adana's hair back from her face, a mixture of emotions swarming through her. Questions piling on top of hopes. Could she be the person John needed? Did she dare think that a relationship with him was in her future?

Her hands clung to the rail of the crib as she looked down at the sweet child, thinking of what John had told her. The promise he had made that he would take care of this helpless child. No matter what.

Help me do the right thing, Lord
, she prayed.
For John and Adana.

Because right about now she wasn't sure what the right thing was.