Rewired (The Progress Series) (16 page)

After turning over twice, she slothfully made her way to the couch and turned on the TV. Glancing at the clock, she saw that it was past ten. Remembering Jesse’s work schedule scribbled on a sheet of paper attached to the fridge, she walked into the kitchen and noted that Jesse was already an hour late.

Skulking out from the hall, Jesse mumbled
“Good morning” with as much enthusiasm as he’d had the night prior.

“It’s after ten. You’re late,” said Charlie.

He nodded and looked at the clock. “And you were always so worried about my potential. Tell me, Charlie… What would happen if I had a
real job
? Hmm? Can’t very well be a lawyer or a doctor or a fucking accountant like this, can I?”

She closed her eyes in realization.

He walked to the couch and lay down, picking up the remote.

“Are you gonna go?”

“I already called in sick.”

He was sucking the energy from her. Maybe it was because she always felt like she understood too well what he was going through, or her own depression could have been catching up with her, but she couldn’t stay in that apartment if she wanted to be productive.

“Do you need anything? I’m gonna go,” she said, grabbing her purse.

“Where are you going?”

“Home.”

He didn’t respond, and Charlie walked back to her apartment.

The shower helped cleanse her state of mind, but she still felt a part of herself getting ripped apart—a delicate shale exterior slowly chipping away, anticipating an inevitable snap in half. She couldn’t help but be catapulted back to a time in her life she dreaded most. Knowing depression well, this whole thing with Jess was only springing her toward a familiar darkness.

She picked up her phone and dialed her mom.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Ma. Can I see you today?”

“Well, well! If it isn’t my daughter who never calls, never writes…”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m on vacation from work now, and I was hoping we could grab some lunch or go for a walk. I’m trying to regroup a little.”

“Of course! I made some of your favorite split pea with ham soup yesterday, you know? The one with those little egg dumplings you like so much?”

Charlie felt her shoulders relax. “Sounds perfect.”

*

“I’m glad you came over today, dear. There’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” Karen said.

“What’s that, Ma?”

“Well with your sister getting an apartment in the city now that she’ll be working for that big architectural firm, and with you and Sam paired up nicely in the apartments…”

Charlie’s stomach flipped at the thought of having to tell her mother what she’d done.

“…I was thinking about selling the house.” After seeing the terrified look on Charlie’s face, she continued quickly. “I know it won’t be easy. You were raised in this house, but it’s just far too big for me. I really don’t need all this space, and now that Billy’s gone, I just don’t see the point in having to maintain a three-bedroom home.”

Everything is changing. What am I supposed to do if I don’t have this house to come back to? As it is, I could still get in major trouble if anyone found out I was sleeping with a resident. I’d lose my job. I’ve already lost my future husband
—
because I don’t think I could ever marry Jesse, even if I was someday able to love him like I do Sam. Everything is falling apart, and now Mom wants to sell the only piece of comfort I’ve ever had?

“I think you should do whatever you feel is right,” Charlie said.

“Really? You wouldn’t be upset?”

Charlie shrugged
. “I mean, yeah I’d be sad. But this is your life. You need to be happy. I’m not going to stop you from doing what you need to do.”

Life is moving forward for everyone, so why do I feel like I’ve taken a thousand steps backward?

“Oh, honey. Thank you so much for understanding!”

Charlie took a spoonful of her soup and tried to swallow it along with the lump in her throat.

“So what was it you said on the phone… Oh yes, you’re trying to regroup. Is work really busy right now? And how is Sam? You two haven’t been over for dinner since April! I’ve really missed you two,” Karen said.

“We’re…” Charlie hesitated. “Fine,” she said with a tight smile. “Yeah, work is always busy.”

And that was all Charlie could bring herself to say about it. The chaos that had always been there when Jesse was a part of her life was something she didn’t want her mother to worry about. And she certainly wasn’t able to bring herself to speak about what she had done to Samuel. So once again, she buried it. She let it sink to the back of her mind, somewhere near the bottom of her heart, and let it fester—like she had done with the rest of her life’s failures.

“Is that the
New York Times
crossword?” Charlie asked, pulling the newspaper closer to her and studying the clues. “Stuck on any of them?”

*

The day passed slowly. With every step that Charlie took, it depleted her energy for the steps that followed. Being hit with everything within a month had drained her of her confidence, self-esteem, and will.

She returned to Jesse’s apartment later that evening, hoping to see him awake and doing
something.
But as soon as she stepped into his apartment, she saw that he was not only in the same position on the couch that she had left him earlier that morning, but now there was a full sandwich plated on the coffee table and a two liter bottle of Coke that was filled with what could only be described as piss.

The room smelled like an ashtray, and that’s when Charlie walked closer to the couch. On the table rested a half-empty bottle of Jameson, his pipe, and a small bag of weed.

Please let this end soon. This weekend has already been planned. It’s never gonna work if I can’t say the right things to get him back to normal.

“Have you eaten?” Charlie perked up, disciplining her woefulness.

Jesse rolled over on the couch and his arm bounced lifelessly off the cushion, pointing to the sandwich on his plate. “I tried.”

“We have to get you out of this…this thing that’s weighing you down. I mean, what is it that you usually do?” she asked.

He shrugged. “Nothing. Smoke, drink, sleep. Do whatever it takes for the time to pass.”

She knew a suggestion wouldn’t help, but it would at least get him talking. “What about thinking about all of the positive things in your life?”

He rolled his eyes. “Positive? Really, Charlie? Yeah, ‘cause I have so much of that right now.”

“Oh come on!” She tried to stay as playful as possible. “You’re such a free spirit. People would kill to have the will that you do. You’re beautiful and bright. You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. You’re dangerous, mysterious, and intriguing. Not to mention your talent for music.” After seeing a spark in his eyes, she tried to keep up her momentum. “I mean, look at you, you’ve made it through twenty-eight years of—” she paused and looked down, “of a horrible and confusing life…” Looking back up, a smile rose to her face. “And you’re still strong. You didn’t quit. You’ve persevered through some of the craziest shit I’ve ever heard. And you’re brave, Jess. So,
so
brave. I can’t even tell you—”

Jesse shook his head and propped himself up to a seated position. He brought her face to his and his lips grazed hers before she had noticed that he was leaning into her. His hands played with the hair that fell to her neck as his nose grazed from her lips to her ear.

“Stop talking,” he said between nibbles.

She could feel herself submitting to him as her breathing changed and tingles raced up her arms.

“Don’t, Jess,” she said breathlessly.

“Don’t what?” He blinked slowly and the corner of his mouth lifted.

She retreated and leaned back. “Don’t do this. Not now. It’s so obvious, can’t you see?” she whispered.

He shook his head and confusion furrowed his brow. “What? Can’t I see that you’re putting me up on a pedestal again?”

“You’re doing whatever you think you need to in order to avoid talking about this, including that last jab.” A small, sympathetic smile arose. “I’m trying to tell you all of the wonderful things I adore about you, and you’re not listening. It’s almost like it’s more painful to hear the good than it is to tell me about all the bad.”

He huffed. “It’s fucking useless, Charlie. Can’t you see that? I’m not gonna get past all this shit.”

“Just keep trying. For me?” she pleaded. “Look at it this way: no matter how many mistakes you make or how much of a fuck-up you think you are, you’re still miles ahead of those who don’t try; you’re miles ahead of where you were just a few months ago. You need to start giving yourself some more credit. But, ‘put you on a pedestal?’ No, I’m sorry that I don’t. If I would have known how far I’d have to go into your mind, I would have never gotten into your car.”

He sat back down on the couch, completely exerted.

“You think I like this? You think I enjoy this shit? I can’t even get off the fucking couch to take a piss! I’ve been watching goddamned infomercials and soap operas all day while you’re off doing things that normal humans do…”

“You think this isn’t affecting me?” she shouted. “You think this is easy for me? I had to get out of here this morning just to get a little break from the war that we rage against each other and the outright desolation and hopelessness you’ve caused me!”

He was breathing heavily, and Charlie knew that if he had half the endurance he needed, he would’ve already begun verbally assaulting her. Instead, he blinked twice and sighed. “You think I’m not scared shitless right now that you’re going to leave…after seeing me like this? Because this is it. This is what you’re going to have to deal with. This is a big part of who I am.”

Charlie rubbed her eyes and watched as Jesse sat slouched and powerless.

“There’s only so much I can do for you. There’s so much you need that I can’t give you. But I’m not leaving. I told you I won’t leave you.”

He shook his head again.

“Come on,” she said gently, offering her hand. “It’s eight o’clock. That’s a perfectly acceptable time of day to go and lie down in your bed.” She grabbed his hands and hoisted him to a standing position.

Walking to his bedroom, he lay down immediately and tucked his feet under the sheet.

“We all know what it’s like to be a victim, Jess. In one way or another.” She crawled over the bed and wrapped her arms around his chest from behind. “This is a huge part of what you need to get sorted out. And I can’t take you there by myself. But you’re doing all the right things. Your meds, the doctor, your job, me.” She gripped him tighter. “But you didn’t cry the tears that were warranted when you should’ve.” She rested her head on his shoulder. “And that’s fine. You weren’t ready to. But don’t feel ashamed now. Don’t think it’s going to take away your interpretation of what a man should be. Your pride will stay intact, I promise.” She set her hands upon his shoulders gently and slid her fingernails down his back. Watching the goose bumps rise and fall on his forearms, she added, “Real men bleed, too. Real men swallow their pride when they need to. And sometimes, Jess, real men…cry.”

With his voice unsteady, he replied, “Sorry, Charlie. But I’ll never give them that satisfaction.”

She nodded and slid herself off the bed. Walking toward the bedroom door, she paused without turning to face him. “I promise you, Jess. They will never know.”

*

After Jesse fell asleep that night, Charlie crept back to her apartment. She stood in front of her mirror for several minutes, trying to understand how she had gotten into this position. She wasn’t a psychiatrist, she wasn’t an upstanding person, and she wasn’t even loyal.

I’m horrible.

She breathed in deeply before she took the first cut. Gathering a large clump of her hair, she assessed its length; and taking a pair of shears, she cut off seven inches.

Handful after handful, she clipped, snipped, and tossed it to the ground. She had absolutely no reasoning. The only thing she could do was to continue cutting, as it was easing some of the ache and soothing some of the anger.

When she finished, she looked at her reflection. It was then that she realized she had been breathing heavily and her heartbeat was racing. She didn’t know how long she had been wearing the scowl, but she knew it must have been for days, since she hadn’t felt this light in a while. She still carried all the regret and sadness of the events over the past few months, but the intensity lately had gotten out of control.

After taking a shower to rinse off the loose hair scratching the back of her neck, she climbed onto the couch and settled in underneath her comforter.

Her phone buzzed, but she wasn’t eager to get to it. She let it sit charging on the kitchen counter. Minutes passed before the thought that Jesse may have noticed her absence got her to her feet.

She walked to the counter and picked up the phone. When she had almost reached the couch, she looked down, and what she read halted her steps immediately.