Rewired (The Progress Series) (13 page)

He laughed, taking his first drag. “I’m not a fan of disclaimers, but go ahead.”

“Why are you such an asshole?” she blurted. “I mean, is it common for people with your…illness?” She tried to laugh in order to make the question seem less insulting.

He winced slightly. “I don’t like it when you call me an asshole.”

Laughing heartily, she spouted, “Oh, you’d like me to use a different word? Because I can think of a few choice words to describe—”

“Never mind. Asshole is fine.” He slumped. “I’m not an asshole because I’m bipolar, Charlie. Bipolar is what I am by nature.”

“I don’t understand.”

After looking around the sidewalk for any eavesdroppers, he swung his head down and whispered, “Nurture is what made me an asshole. My nature just makes it hard to control.”

She paused, processing his words. “But, the medication will help?”

He took a drag from his cigarette. “Yeah, but not completely. I’ll never be as good as you. I’ll never have the solace or mindfulness that you have. There’s just too damn much swirling around up there to keep it all under control.” He shrugged.

She nodded in sympathy, so he continued. “It’s all a chemical reaction. There’s something
off
in my brain that makes my thoughts scatter all over the place.”

With a neutral expression, she kept her head down, taking a drag from her cigarette. “How do you feel so far? Can you feel the medication working a little?”

“Nah. It’s only been a week or so. It usually takes a month before people can see a change.”

“Why do you stop? I mean, why don’t you just
stay
on your meds?”

“Well, I suppose it’s for a couple of reasons. For one, the cost. Which by the way, I’ve been meaning to speak to you about my rent next month.” She nodded and then shook her head, dismissing that it would be a problem, so he continued. “For two, I struggle with thinking whether or not I should be ‘fixed.’ Once I’m on them for a while, I get to thinking that it’s not natural for my mind to be dumbed-down and numb to half my emotions. Besides, nothing works better than weed when I need quick relief. And for another reason, some of the side effects are…not easy to live with.”

Charlie nodded just as the band announced their arrival to the stage. Not knowing what more to say, she smiled. “They’re starting. Wanna go in?”

She passed him to put out her cigarette in the standing ashtray near the door. He grabbed her elbow and swallowed. Pulling her close to him, he closed his eyes momentarily. “You’re not going to leave me again, are you?”

Her lungs emptied and she felt her chest cave. Shaking her head, she rubbed her thumb over his lips, soothing the pain in his eyes. “Never,” she said as she leaned in and kissed him gently. “Come on. Let’s go.”

And it was true. Charlie had no intentions of leaving Jesse. Even with the plan she had set in her mind of how she wanted to help him, she was beginning to realize that there was no going back. He was her future. And she would just have to give herself time to heal from the loss of Sam and try to forgive herself for what she had done to him, no matter how long that would take.

Three beers later, Jesse took her out to the dance floor. Resting their foreheads together, he slowed his hips to the soft jazzy music surrounding the two of them. “Are you ready for the next song?” he asked.

“Ah, sure?” she giggled, hearing her words slur.

He laughed. “You’ll know it. I’ve heard these guys play a dozen times, and this next song is the reason I keep coming back.”

She nodded.

“Hey guys, thanks for sticking around. How’s everyone doing tonight?” the lead singer said, his throaty voice echoing through the room.

The crowd cheered, and Charlie broke from Jesse’s hold to clap and whistle, allowing the buzz to free her inhibitions.

“Come here,” Jesse said, resuming his grasp on her hips. “I want to see your expression once the song starts.”

She smiled appreciatively and waited.

“So, this is the last song before we take a little break. I hope you like it. It’s one of our favorites. A cover, by Rx Bandits.”

Charlie’s eyes lit up as the music began. It wasn’t traditional SKA music, as the band had obviously put their own spin on the sound. The voice that reverberated around the room made its way to Charlie’s chest and she felt the vibration skip through her belly. With no instruments accompanying it, the first few lines were just a booming voice.

Then the horns began. The band slowed the song in comparison to the original, but the melody remained the same. And as it continued, Jesse’s gaze into Charlie’s eyes intensified.

Their bodies swayed to the music, bringing back intense memories of the past two years. From the beginning, their relationship had been solid yet broken, frustrating yet exhilarating, consuming yet freeing, and all Charlie could think to do was to rest her head on his shoulder until the song slowly came to an end.

Jesse brought Charlie’s hand up to inspect her fingers. Reacting with a smirk, he noticed she no longer wore Sam’s ring. The music had faded and the clapping died down as the band retreated backstage.

Leaning in, he dropped her hand and whispered in her ear. “Have you ever seen a raw diamond?” His hands were wrapped around her back again, squeezing her tighter.

“That’s a strange question to ask.” She hesitated. “No, I haven’t. Why?”

“There’s really nothing exceptional about them at all at first glance. It’s only through the cutting and polishing process that they become truly beautiful.”

She waited for him to continue, not sure where he was going with the conversation. His eyes closed and he dipped his chin, delicately brushing their noses together.

“If I was going to give you a ring,” he whispered, opening his eyes, “I would want you to have something that represented how stunning you are inside and out. So that if you ever doubted it, even once, you could look down at your finger and know that someone recognized you for all of it. Every flaw, every color, every size, every shape, in any light, and in every way you are. Not something that requires refining. In
any
way.” He exhaled and buried his face in her shoulder just as his torso softened against hers. “I think I loved you before I knew I was capable of it.”

Her breath caught and her body stiffened.

“Charlie? Is that you?” A familiar voice shouted from across the dance floor just as the soft background music began.

Charlie’s head turned in the direction of the voice and saw Angie approaching.

Oh, shit.

“Jess. Jess!” Charlie whispered urgently, pulling his head away from its seal against her. “Jess, it’s Angie.”

“What? Who?” he said, ripping himself from a haze.

“Angie. From the Crimson.” Charlie’s eyes gaped as she glanced in Angie’s direction before giving Jesse a cautious look.

Operating on a chipper auto-pilot, Charlie’s voice strained to find the excitement she needed to conduct a light and quick conversation with Angie. Because as soon as Angie saw Jesse, there would be no way to avoid an argument. “Oh my god! Angie! Come here, give me a hug! I haven’t seen you in forever!”

“Guuurl. Get your skinny ass over here!” Angie said with a genuine smile, and scooped Charlie into an embrace.

“What are you doing here, Ang? This would be the last place I’d expect you to be.” Charlie said, trying to conceal the emotional time-bomb standing behind her.

“Oh god, I know, right? Well, Dave loves this kind of classic rock, jazzy
stuff. So I come out once in a while to humor him. He’s in the bathroom—” Angie stopped, peering over Charlie’s shoulder.

Fuuuck.

Angie’s smile slowly faded and her shoulders drooped. Two distinct wrinkles etched into her forehead and she never took her sights off Jesse. Her lip snarled upward and she hissed, “Charlie? Where the fuck is Sam?”

Charlie blew out a deep breath, and before she could answer she saw Jesse’s head flinch toward them at the mention of Sam’s name. He took two steps toward Angie, his head down, his chest out, and his fists balled. Charlie covered her face and took a step backward.

“It didn’t work out with Sam. Charlie’s with me again,” Jess growled.

A fiery glare gripped Angie at the sound of Jesse’s voice. “Ahh,” Angie said sternly. “
Again?
I don’t ever recall the two of you being together in the first place. Is it just me, Charlie?” Angie’s finger rose to her chin, mocking an inquisitive expression. “Yeah, no, I’m pretty sure you just tormented the
shit
out of her for a year.” She nodded, flashing a fragile smile. “But it’s
so great
to see you’re back in town. I’m sure you’ve made Charlie’s life a wonderful, frail, creepy, insulting, and imaginary place to be again.” She sighed heavily as Jesse turned to Charlie and wiped his hand over his jaw.

“Charlie, may I speak to you privately for a moment?” Angie asked. She grabbed Charlie’s hand and yanked her toward the ladies’ room.

Safely in the hall outside the restroom, out of Jesse’s earshot, Angie snapped Charlie’s hand down. “What. The. Fuck?”

“I—” Charlie started, attempting a fruitless plea with Angie to understand.

“No! I mean,
Jesse Anders?
Seriously? What are you doing? Where’s Sam?”

Charlie’s mind swirled with the events that had taken place over the past month. First she thought about hopping in Jesse’s car the night of the award ceremony. But knowing she’d have to go further back in order to explain the story, she thought about the night she had sex with Jesse, and that stirred a deep ache in her gut. She’d have to go back even further, to when she ran into Lily at the scarf shop. There was way too much to explain.

“Sam and I…well, Jess just kinda…” Charlie gestured back toward the dance floor, then scratched her head. “I don’t know.” She threw her hands up and slapped them back down against her sides.

A tall man in his late twenties came striding toward Angie, just as she was about to retort. “Hey, baby. Who’s your friend?” he asked, putting a strong arm around Angie.

Angie exhaled. “Hi. I forgot you two haven’t met. Dave, this is Charlie.”

“Oh, Charlie! I’ve heard a lot about you. You grew up with Angie and Paulina, right?” After brushing his dark hair aside, he extended his arm to give Charlie a handshake.

Charlie nodded, turning the corners of her mouth upward. “Hi, Dave. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“Did I interrupt something?” he asked.

“Yeah, a little,” Angie said. “Why don’t you go get us a couple of drinks and I’ll meet up with you in a few minutes. I’ve got a few things I need to say to Charlie.”

He nodded and kissed Angie on the cheek. Turning back to Charlie, he said, “It was nice to meet you.”

Charlie swallowed, anticipating Angie’s hellfire. “You, too.”

Angie’s head stooped and she took a step closer to Charlie in order to keep her voice low. She reached for Charlie’s hands and placed them in hers. “You gotta stop doing this to yourself. Charlie, listen to me.” She took another step closer in order to whisper into Charlie’s ear. “You can’t fix this one. He’s broken into a million pieces.” Angie shook her head. “There’s nobody that can rewire that mind. I know it’s what you do best, believe me; you’ve picked my ass up many times and helped me through some really tough times. But this is
Jesse
…” She could barely say his name without punching the wall. She stepped back, keeping a hold of Charlie’s hands. “…and he’s going to break you. He doesn’t love you, Charlie.” Angie’s eyes left Charlie’s stare to look over her shoulder. Seething again, Angie’s teeth were tearing at her bottom lip, disgusted with whatever she could see behind Charlie. “There’s a fine line between love and obsession, Charlie.” Angie’s jaw clenched, completely engrossed in her hate for Jesse. “It’s called respect.” Angie blinked away her gaze and fixed her eyes on Charlie again. “And that isn’t something you can teach.”

Tears fell from Charlie’s eyes as she squeezed them shut.

“Sam respected you,” Angie added, making Charlie’s eyes shoot open and her arms instinctively grasp at her stomach.

Charlie sniffed and whipped her head back to wipe her nose. “I don’t deserve Sam anymore.”

Angie blinked slowly and rubbed Charlie’s cheek with her thumb. “I see Jesse’s already done his damage. You weren’t like this with S—”

“No, Angie. You don’t have all the information here. Just trust me. I know what I’m doing.”

Angie shook her head. “I’m done here. Go. Piss away your future for Jesse Fucking Anders. God, what a waste.” She walked back out to the dance floor, leaving Charlie alone in the hallway.

After turning around, Charlie noticed Jesse standing back toward the exits. He nodded nervously and she offered him a smile. Smiling back, he motioned toward the front door. She nodded and made her way to him.

Monday morning, Charlie poured a cup of coffee for Jesse and brought it into the bedroom after her shower, only to find him fast asleep.