River's End (River's End Series, #1) (21 page)

She was annoyed when she finished and had nothing to do. It meant she had to return her focus on them again. On Jack. Or on Charlie’s adoring gaze at the woman he, no doubt, was picturing as his next mother. Erin slid into the chair beside Ben. Jack was watching her. She hated the blush that warmed her cheeks and the awkwardness she felt.

Eventually, Charlie lost interest and got onto the floor to play with his Matchbox cars. Someone mentioned something, although Erin wasn’t following the conversation with any great interest. Whoever it was said that Allison did volunteer work at the local library, tutoring adults two nights a week.
Great.
Not only was she a teacher to young, impressionable kids, she volunteered her time too. Erin nearly rolled her eyes at the goody-two-shoes Charlie selected, and probably made a wise choice as his father’s date.

“Well, why couldn’t you tutor Erin?”

Erin’s head jerked up as she crashed-landed back into the moment after hearing Ben’s statement. He sat up straighter and suddenly grew animated as Allison waited to respond. “You could teach Erin to read, couldn’t you? If you teach other adults?”

Erin’s mouth dropped open and she felt all eyes turning towards her. She met the big, blue, caring eyes of Allison. “That’s right. I could. That is, if you had such an interest, Erin.”

She looked down. How dare they? “I don’t think so, Ms. Gray.”

The table went silent and Erin dared not look up until she heard Jack’s voice.

“Why not? Why couldn’t you?”

She jerked her face up. Jack was impatiently staring at her. “Because I can’t learn. I already told you that.”

“Are you dyslexic?”

Erin glared at Allison. “I’m not dyslexic. I’m perfectly normal. I just can’t read.”

Silence followed her outburst. Ben looked at her strangely, wondering why wouldn’t she want to learn? How could they understand what it was like to be as stupid as she was? She
couldn’t
learn. Many people had already tried and never succeeded. She didn’t see letters backwards, or upside-down, but neither could she seem to grasp the simple concept required to read a sentence.

“Maybe you never had the right teacher.”

“Sometimes, people are just stupid, Ms. Gray.”

Jack’s voice interrupted her. “Stop it. You’re not stupid. It’s only stupid if you don’t try. Give me one good reason why you couldn’t at least try?”

She looked up and found him staring directly at her with his brow furrowed. He couldn’t understand what it was like to be stupid. There was nothing Jack couldn’t do. Whatever he attempted to do, he merely invested some effort in, and voila. It was done. Like raising two kids alone, or taking care of his family’s business and making it thrive while he looked after his younger brothers. He could do anything or be anything he set out to be. He was strong, confident, and smart. He knew he could handle anything he encountered because he already handled it all. He could never understand what it was like being Erin. Being considered weak. And stupid. Or the joke of the classroom.

Allison spoke before Erin could answer. She looked uneasily at Jack, then said to Erin, “I apologize, Erin, if I made you feel uncomfortable. Charlie actually suggested I talk to you. He had a lot of questions about reading and wanted to know if I could teach kids younger than he, why couldn’t I teach you? I really thought it was you asking through Charlie.”

Erin glanced over to where Charlie played so sweetly on the floor. His lips moved as he made car “vrooming” sounds. He asked his teacher to help her? That’s the reason he invited her to dinner tonight?

“Charlie really asked you about teaching me?”

Allison nodded. “I figured you were dyslexic. But if you’re not, it won’t take you that long to learn. I swear to you, Erin, I won’t make you feel stupid. It’s won’t be like when you were in school. I can’t imagine it was easy for you.”

She didn’t like knowing that Allison could read her. Or what kind of girl Erin was in school.

“I didn’t graduate.”

“Neither did many of the adults I currently work with. You’d be surprised how many there are. You aren’t alone. And you aren’t stupid. Look, this is a lot of pressure. I really thought that Charlie’s request originally came from you. I definitely see now, however, that it didn’t. But that doesn’t change my willingness to help you. So I’ll leave you my number, and please call me, Erin, if you decide later that you’d like my help.”

“I don’t have any money,” Erin replied finally. It was as her last excuse for why she couldn’t possibly accept the woman’s offer.

“I don’t need your money. I would do it for free, pro bono.”

Erin crossed her arms over her chest. “Why? Why would you do it for free?”

She smiled. “For one, because it’s the decent thing to do. But also, it’s part of the volunteer work I do. Most people who can’t read don’t have good paying jobs, therefore they don’t have access to finding help out there. A vicious cycle, if you will. So you see, you really aren’t alone.”

She wasn’t? Allison’s words started a crack in the wall she kept around herself to shelter her from the ridicule of a literate world. The world of mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters who cared about you. She felt ridiculous tears building up in her eyes and gulped back the tightening in her throat. She stared down at her shoes in order to avoid crying in front of Allison. And Jack.

She finally muttered, “I’ll think about it.”

****

Jack stood silent for a moment next to Allison’s car. “Sorry, about this. Honestly, Charlie didn’t tell me he did this until an hour before you showed up, and nothing about Erin being involved.”

She grinned. “I only came because I thought he was trying to set us up and I thought we should have a conversation about that. To find he was trying so in earnest to help Erin, well, you’re a lucky man, Jack Rydell.”

He smiled back. “Yeah. He’s a great kid. But what about Erin? Why wouldn’t she learn to read? Why is she so sure she can’t do it.”

Allison ran a hand through her hair. “Best guess? This is without once working with her or even discussing her circumstances, I’d guess she actually is dyslexic. She might not know it. The range of what dyslexia means to each individual is huge. Sometimes it’s not the classic signs of seeing letters backwards or upside down. It encompasses a lot of different learning challenges.”

He blew out a breath. “I had no idea.”

“Neither does she.”

“What can I do? How do I get her to take you up on your help? Which is so kind of you by the way. That isn’t lost on me.”

She shook her head. “Don’t. I like doing it. There is a particularly high illiteracy rate for adults in this area due to so many who English is a second language. But you’d be surprised at the number of adults who are, Jack. And what can you do? Make her feel safe. Secure. Convince her she can do it. She’s so obviously not ready. I can tell you nothing will work until she feels safe to try it again.”

“But why wouldn’t she jump at your offer?”

Allison shrugged. “Studies show dyslexia for children is as shameful as molestation. Consider that, Jack. Consider the shame she feels. It’s so obvious. She’s isn’t looking for compliments and us to reassure her when she says she’s stupid. She believes it with a truth you or I can’t talk out of her.”

He blew out a breath. “Holy crap. This is… a lot.”

She nodded. “It is. Make her feel safe. Make her feel smart and confident in other ways. Maybe, with time, it will convince her to risk trying it again.”

He opened her car door for her. “Thank you, Allison. This has been the most enlightening conversation of my life. I can’t thank you enough.”

“Good luck, Jack. I hope it works. She is a really lovely person.”

Jack’s face scrunched up. Damn. Allison was right. Erin was a sweet, kind, shy person so wrapped in her own shame that she hid it through things like being with Joey. And he had missed that all. He cleared his throat. “She’s not my girlfriend or anything. She’s just… my friend.”

Allison touched his hand as she slid past him and into her car. “That’s really good. You should be a good friend to her. If anyone in the world could use a friend it’s Erin Poletti.”

****

Jack came back in from telling Allison Gray goodbye. The silence grew thick after Jack shut the door. Ben went to his bedroom to do homework, and Jack’s gaze was on her before he glanced at Charlie.

“Charlie, we need to talk.”

She looked up in surprise and started to rise and leave. Jack shook his head. To Charlie, he said, “You asked Ms. Gray here to help Erin, didn’t you?”

Charlie stood up and smiled sheepishly at her and then at his dad. “Yeah. Ms. Gray’s so nice, I figured Erin might like her.”

“So you asked Erin to dinner?”

He shrugged. “It seems kind of silly for her to eat out there all alone anyways. I mean, she lives here, doesn’t she? Plus, I thought Ms. Gray could help her.”

Jack put a hand on Charlie’s shoulder. “Look, Charlie, I approve of the thoughts you had. I like knowing you thought to help Erin, but you have to ask people first. You can’t just spring it onto adults. Do you understand?”

Charlie nodded and looked at Erin apologetically. “I was just trying to help.”

Her heart flipped and she stepped closer to Charlie. “Thank you, Charlie. For thinking of me.”

He looked up at her, and his eyes grew big and eager. “So you will let Ms. Gray help you? You’re going to learn to read?”

What could she say? How could she snatch away the look of hope and excitement on Charlie’s face? But they didn’t understand why she simply
couldn’t
do it. She would prove that to them all soon enough. She nodded finally to get them off her back. “Yes, I’ll try it, Charlie.”

He suddenly came forward and flung his arms around her middle. His head came up to her shoulders and she was almost knocked over by the force of his unexpected embrace. She caught her footing. Charlie was hugging
her
. Her heart did a back flip for the motherless, little boy. She could not look at Jack. Somehow, she knew she was not the woman whom he wanted his son hugging.

Charlie suddenly let her go and turned to his dad. “I won’t do it again, Dad, but see? It worked out. I’m going to go get ready for bed now.”

He skipped off. She was all alone with Jack who turned finally, and looked down at her. The silence between them was uncomfortably thick. He walked to the door where she watched him wearily take his brown jacket off the rack and put it on. “I’ll walk you back to the trailer.”

She glanced up.
No.
No, she would not walk back to her trailer in the dark with Jack. She felt ill as it was. Or did he intend to come in? She could earn her keep by doing him? Now that she wasn’t with Joey? The very idea of Jack thinking that made her want to cry. She didn’t want him to think that. But what else could he think?

She followed behind him when he opened the door and stepped out without another glance at her. It was pleasantly cool, as the days were getting warmer now, and the nights became much more refreshing with the cooler air.

He didn’t say a word, but jammed his hands into the front pockets of his pants. He was in step with her as they walked across the dusty driveway. Crickets chirped like a choir all around them and the night stars were clear, shining forever around them.

Finally, they reached the door of her trailer. She wanted nothing more than to escape behind it and never face Jack again.

Jack stood in front of the door handle so she couldn’t get to it without touching him. He ran his hand through his hair, tousling it. “So…”

Her heart leapt at his voice. She could not discuss anything with him. She was about to speak when the sudden flash and roar of truck came behind her. She looked back to see Joey pulling up to a screeching stop, the radio blaring before he finally turned his truck off. He wasn’t alone. A girl scooted out after him. They linked arms and started towards the house without another glance backwards.

She pressed her lips together. The humiliation she felt was deep and sickening. She slept with Joey, but now couldn’t care less whom he’d gone into the house with. But how did she explain to Jack she wasn’t an unfeeling bitch? And yet… with Jack what she briefly did with him set her heart on fire and rocked her world upside down? Her biggest enigma was why her reaction to Jack was so strong. She’d done a lot more with guys she knew far less than she did Jack, and no one ever made her feel like he did.

“Does it bother you?”

Jack’s voice came behind her, sounding deep and quiet. The night was dark around them and eerily still after Joey’s dramatic entrance home.

“Joey? No. I wish it did.”

“Why?”

She closed her eyes, keeping her back to Jack. How could she explain why she wanted sex to mean more to her? Or why she didn’t want to be the woman she was? The woman who slept with his brother.

“Because then you wouldn’t think it was okay to treat me the same way.”

“Yeah? And how do I treat you?”

She blinked at the sudden tears welling in her eyes, unwilling to turn around. She kept them tightly shut. How could she tell him he treated her like she was someone much better than she really was? Someone who was worth something. In the darkness, she whispered, “I thought you hated me. I thought you tolerated me here because I was more or less trapped. I didn’t think…”