Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures (13 page)

Jealousy Serves a Function

Whether an affair is a form of communication or a form of escape, the jealousy it triggers is always a relationship issue. It focuses attention on a threat to the relationship. According to the systems approach, jealousy always serves a function in the relationship. While it is experienced and expressed by one mate, it is part of a particular couple's relationship and reflects a particular family distur bance. A nice example of this appears in Robert Barker's book The Green-Eyed Marriage. Barker is not a systems therapist, but rather a psychodynamic therapist who views jealousy as "the result of longstanding and deep-seated psychological and behavioral problems within the jealous person "7 Despite this clear allocation of blame, the case is a wonderful example of the systems notion of the function that jealousy plays for both mates-exactly the opposite conclusion from the one Dr. Barker drew.

Darryl and Lucy were married ten years and fought constantly throughout this time. In a typical interaction leading to a fight, Darryl would start making overtures signaling that he wanted to have sex, and Lucy would appear enthusiastic. Then she would casually mention something that would arouse his jealousy. The argument would culminate with one of them sleeping on the living room couch.

While Darryl may have been the jealous mate, it is clear that Lucy played an equal part in having the jealous scenes continue. Dr. Barker notes correctly that "both had something important to gain by keeping it going." Both Darryl and Lucy had long histories of sexual problems. Darryl was often troubled by premature ejaculation and was anxious about his sexual performance. Lucy suffered from a chronic, painful sensitivity to touch and pressure in the genital area, which caused an aversion to sexual intercourse.

Lucy used Darryl's jealousy to minimize sexual contact with him. When he made overtures, she simply stirred his jealousy. His typical response made the outcome predictable: They would fight and forget about sex. "Guilt-Free absolution from sex" was Lucy's payoff: She didn't refuse him. She was willing until lie started acting jealous again. Darryl, too, wanted an excuse to avoid sex and the performance anxiety associated with it. The jealousy-related arguments provided an acceptable way to avoid it.

Darryl and Lucy illustrate the degree to which jealousy is a couple issue. Even when one male appears "abnormally jealous," it is legitimate to ask what benefits the nonjealous mate is gaining from the jealousy problem. The question is especially relevant when jealousy has been a problem in the relationship for a long time.

One of the most common discoveries in working with couples with an "abnormally jealous" spouse is that the "nonjealous" spouse has a good reason, psychologically speaking, to stay in the relation ship. As Darryl and Lucy's case demonstrates, at times that reason is so important that the "nonjealous" mate actually fuels the jealousy.

Lucy provoked Darryl's jealousy in an attempt to conceal a sexual problem. In other cases, jealousy-based arguments may be used to divert attention from other problems in the spouses, in the relationship, or in both.

In addition to concealing other problems, jealousy can serve a positive function as well; in small amounts it can add excitement to the relationship. As we will see in the chapter on jealousy in open relationships, for example, swingers like to watch their mates having sex with someone else. The jealous flash they feel fuels their sexual interest in their mate.

Other couples enjoy the drama jealousy produces. Both mates identify drama with passion, and they keep passion alive in the relationship by coproducing the jealousy scenes. In one such case, the jealous lover is a successful businessman who makes frequent trips abroad. Since he can't stand the thought of his girlfriend staying home alone, he takes her along on most of his trips. On those rare occasions when that's impossible, he makes frequent overseas calls to her house, to friends, and even to restaurants to check on her.

The girlfriend, who is a plain-looking woman, grew up in a poor family. She loves the trips abroad and the attention her lover's jealousy produces. To fuel his jealousy, she drops little hints about men she saw during his absence. Yet when lie makes surprise visits to check on her, he always finds her chatting innocently with a group of friends or a woman friend. When that happens, and it happens often, she accuses him of being pathologically jealous. They have a "terrible fight" and then make passionate love. This pattern has been going on for eight years, with no end in sight for either the jealousy or the passion. A couple like this may appear furious at each other, but they actually love the drama their jealousy creates. They rarely seek therapy for the jealousy, and when they find themselves with a mate who is not jealous or unfaithful, they find that mate "boring." Jealousy keeps the sexual spark in their relationship alive.

Jealousy indeed produces excitement and can make life more interesting. It can also make one's mate look more desirable. If the businessman I just described saw his girlfriend not through his jealousy-struck eyes but the way the rest of the world saw her, she would doubtless lose much of her appeal.

Some people fuel their mate's jealousy when they feel taken for granted. Some do it because it gives them a sense of power over their jealous mate. Others do it as a form of revenge, using their jealous mate to heal an ego that was injured by this relationship or a previous one. It may be worth mentioning in this regard the findings of a study conducted by Edwin Brainerd and his colleagues (1996) that show that the use and approval of jealousy-inducing behaviors were predictors of' high need for interpersonal control and use of psychological aggression. "fhe use of jealousy-inducing behaviors combined with disproval of them was a strong predictor of physical aggression toward one's partner.

It is not enough for one mate to want to create a jealousy problem. Both partners have to collude in keeping a jealousy problem alive in the relationship. This is why, according to the systems approach, jealousy is best treated as the couple's joint problem, even when one mate is "abnormally" jealous.

Working on jealousy as a couple issue tends to bring about faster change, because it involves both mates. In Lucy and Darryl's case, for example, what would have happened if Darryl went for individual therapy to deal with his "abnormal jealousy"? The focus of therapy would undoubtedly have been on Darryl's feelings of sexual inadequacy, which were the cause of his jealousy. Changing those is a long and slow process. Changing destructive patterns in the relationship that contribute to a jealousy problem can alleviate the problem much faster.

A person in a relationship with a mate who is "abnormally" jealous would probably have trouble accepting the idea that he or she, too, plays an active role in keeping the jealousy problem alive. It is much easier to blame the jealous partner than to take responsibility for one's part in shaping the relationship one shares. Yet, in the long run, blaming the partner is not the best approach. Taking responsibility-which is not the same as taking blame-means that one has some control over the problem. People who accept the fact that they played a part in creating a problem can draw comfort from the knowledge that they can also play an active part in solving it.

The Systems Approach to the Treatment of "Abnormal Jealousy"

Mark suffered from what was described by his psychoanalyst as "delusional jealousy."f; This diagnosis was based on a whole set of symptoms: Mark could not stop tormenting himself about affairs his wife might be having. I Ic said his jealousy was "like a poisonous gas that permeated everything." Every time he came home from work, Mark checked the mileage on his wife's car to make sure she hadn't taken trips out of town to see her imagined lovers. He checked her underpants for stains that would indicate she had had sex with those "lovers." He checked the contents of her wallet for any clues she might have left to an illicit affair. To find out whether she talked to her "lovers" on the phone while he was out of the house, he would put a hair on the receiver. If the hair was not there when he returned, it would be a clear sign that she had talked with some lover. But whenever he returned and the hair wasn't on the receiver, he could never be sure whether it was his wife or the wind that had blown it away.

Most significant in the diagnosis of delusional jealousy, however, was that Mark's jealousy was groundless. His wife has always been faithful to hire. Since Mark's therapist was psychodynamically oriented, his therapy centered on the function that the jealousy served in the dynamics of Mark's inner life.

Although this was a case of "abnormal" jealousy, Mark already had a jealousy problem when his wife first met him, fell in love with him, and decided to marry him. What was it that attracted her to him at the early stages of their relationship? Could it have had something to do with his jealousy?

In similar cases I have worked with, I have discovered that nonjealous mates actually enjoy the jealousy at the beginning. The reason, in most cases, is that they perceive the jealousy as a sign of love and commitment to the relationship.

Unfortunately, we don't know what attracted Mark's wife at the beginning of the relationship, because Mark's wife was never seen in therapy. Since Mark and his therapist defined the problem as "Mark's pathological jealousy," this was also the focus of his individual psychotherapy.

As noted earlier, the traits and behaviors that attract couples most when they first meet often cause the most distress later in the relationship. This is also true for jealousy. For a person with an abnormally jealous partner, one of the most important and interesting questions to explore is what attracted him or her to that partner at the beginning of the relationship. Understanding the attraction helps understand the jealousy. Ann and Leonard are an example.

Ann and Leonard met when Ann was 17 years old. Leonard, 24 years old at the time, seemed not only older but wiser and more impressive than the boys her age. She loved the way he made her the center of his world and look care of her needs. But now, after twenty-seven years of marriage, she wants a divorce. The reason: "Leonard's pathological jealousy." "I feel suffocated," says Ann. "Leonard is so jealous, he doesn't let me breathe. I feel imprisoned. He can't stand the fact that I have my own interests. He doesn't let me go out on my own. Ile follows me everywhere I go. I've had it with him." Leonard, on the other hand, says he still loves Ann as much as he did when they were first married. "I am worried about her going out on her own at night," he says. "That's the only reason I follow her and why I want to know where she's going and with whom. I think my concern is normal and perfectly justified. Every man you'll ask will agree with me."

From the time they met through the first years of their marriage, Ann loved being the center of'Leonard's world. She saw a sign of love in his protectiveness and concern. It made her feel secure. He was the loving father she never had. Now she sees his protectiveness as possessiveness, and his concern as pathological jealousy. Being the center of his world no longer makes her feel secure, because that world has shrunk into a cage. Ann and Leonard created a destructive cycle in which Ann responded to Leonard's jealousy by withdrawing, and he responded to her growing withdrawal with increasing jealousy, which makes her withdraw love further, which makes him even more jealous.

Shifting from the Jealous Mate to the Couple

Dean and Melanie came to therapy because of what Dean called Melanie's "pathological jealousy." He said that I had to "fix" her because he simply "can't take it anymore." Melanie agreed with the label and appreciated Dean's support in coming to therapy with her.

During our exploration of the problem, it became evident that Melanie had a reason to be jealous. When they first met, Dean was engaged to marry another woman while at the same time having an affair with that woman's sister. He told Melanie about all of his wheclings and dealings in trying to manage these two relationships-while starting a third one with her. One may ask, of course, why Melanie would get involved with a mail she knew was engaged and cheating on his fiancee. But as I noted earlier, such a question is irrelevant for a systems therapist.

Sometime after they became involved, Dean and Melanie had a fight and separated for a brief time. Melanie later discovered that during the separation Dean had had an affair with his secretary. Dean used all his "old cover-up tricks" to keep Melanie from finding out about the affair. This affair, on top of Dean's "history of deceit," made Melanie suspect anything that could possibly be a clue to a new affair. Her suspicions made Dean, who according to his own testimony was now "innocent as a lamb," furious. Ife didn't understand why Melanie needed to drag out things that were "old history." She was, he concluded, "pathologically jealous"

While Melanie agreed with Dean that she had a problem with jealousy, she observed, in her own defense, that she had never before been jealous, neither with any of her boyfriends nor with her former husband.

As is almost always the case, Dean and Melanie's jealousy problem was related to what they found most attractive about each other when they first met. Melanie was attracted to Dean's masculine charm and charisma: "Ile was then, and still is now, a very attractive man." Dean was attracted to Melanie's sensitivity and attentiveness: "I felt from the very beginning that she was someone who could create a home for me." Now Dean's attractiveness to other women has become a major source of stress for Melanie, while Melanie's excessive sensitivity has become equally stressful for Dean.