Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures (15 page)

While all this touchy-feely stuff was going on, I continued standing there like a fool. He never even bothered to introduce me. I don't think he necessarilyhad to say, "Wendy, this is Carol, the woman I love and am living with now." lie could have just put his arm around me to indicate that we are a couple, that he is no longer the swinging bachelor he was when they first met. But he just stood there, clearly enjoying himself, letting her give him a sensuous chest massage.

When we were alone in our room, I told him how I felt, but I said it calmly. He said he was so excited about seeing Wendy, whom he hadn't seen for a long time, and whom he liked very much, that he behaved rudely, and he was sorry. I accepted his apology and thought this would be the end of it. I should have known better.

This afternoon, right after lunch, he disappeared. I looked for him everywhere. Finally, after about two hours, he appeared in our room and told me that he'd had "an interview" with Wendy. I felt the blood rush to my head. What, exactly, is an interview"? Why not call it "a date," which is what it was? And why is he having a date with Wendy on the week we took to be together and work on our relationship?"

As can be expected, Ron had a different perspective on these events:

I'd been married for many years, in a very unhappy marriage. My wife and I were high-school sweethearts, so neither of us had experience with anyone else before our marriage. Even though we had practically no sex life for the last years of our marriage, I was always faithful to my wife I guess I'm just not the (,healing type. After the divorce, which, by the way, wasn't initiated by me, I discovered women. I also discovered that I love women. I had several girlfriends. Every one of them knew I was seeing others too, and accepted it. They understood that I wasn't ready for a monogamous relationship. Besides, each one of them knew that when I was with her I was with her totally. I know how to give to a woman, and I love giving. So they accepted what I had to give. We all had a great time.

Then Carol came into my life. Soon after we started dating, it became clear to inc that this was going to be a very different story. When Carol demanded that I stop seeing other women, I agreed. It was a tremendous sacrifice for me. I was willing to do it for Carol, only because I care about her a great deal. But there were all these women that during my years as a bachelor had become close, intimate friends. Was I supposed to just clump them because I was now living with someone? I've explained this to Carol a hundred times, but she refuses to understand. I've given her no reason to be jealous, but it makes no difference She's simply a jealous person, and nothing I say or do can change that.

I feel that I have made a far greater sacrifice for the relationship than Carol has made, and I've proved to her that I care. I think her demand that I not see other women at all is unfair and unreasonable. Wendy is a dear friend of mine, whom I haven't seen for a long time. There was nothing wrong in any seeing her. We sat in her room talking, and the door was open the whole time. I feel that I did nothing wrong. So I called it an "inter- view"-does that justify the scene Carol is making?

It was clear that this discussion was familiar to Ron and Carol-so familiar, in fact, that they weren't really listening to each other. "I think we understand the way both of you are seeing the situation," I said. "l3ut I'm not sure you two see each other's perspective that clearly. Maybe hearing it from someone else might help." I turned to the group and asked whether anyone felt familiar enough with the issue Ron and Carol were discussing to be able to present it.

Jim and Susan, who are not a couple, volunteered. I asked them to sit in the middle of the room facing each other, and to present Ron and Carol's positions to the best of their ability.

Without a moment's hesitation, Jim and Susan continued the heated discussion. For the rest of us it seemed as though Ron and Carol's argument was never interrupted. "If you cared about me and about the relationship, you wouldn't go and spend time with another woman. Especially not here and not this week. The fact that you didn't go to bed with her on this particular occasion doesn't change that fact," Susan said.

"I've given you more than I've given any other woman in my life, but it's not enough. Nothing is enough for you. You are jealous, demanding, and unreasonable. Next you'll ask me to get rid of my bicycle, because it makes me spend time away from you," Jim responded.

Ron and Carol were listening, dumbfounded. "Does that sound like something you two could have said to each other?" I asked. "This is unbelievable," said Ron. "It's as if Jim were talking straight from my head." "Susan is saying it even better than I can," added Carol. "It's because I am speaking from my own experience," said Jim. "I can't tell you how many times I've had this very conversation myself," agreed Susan.

"Let's see if anyone else in the group has had a similar experience. If you feel that you can speak for either Carol or Ron, please come and join Jim and Susan," I said. In a few minutes every one of the twenty-two participants in the jealousy workshop was sitting in the middle of the room. The women sat next to Susan. The men (except for one who kept changing his place and position during the argument) sat next to Jim. The argument continued with raised voices and emotions. The women: "If you want to have a truly intimate relationship, you give up a little freedom. It's more than worth it!" The men: "Who are you to say that it's worth it? If you give up your freedom, you are a prisoner. Ina good relationship, you trust each other. You don't imprison each other. You women are simply jealous!" The women: "You think we are jealous because we want to protect the relationship. Let's see you guys when you think there is a threat to the relationship. You'd be as jealous as we are, if' not more. All we ask is for some safeguards. If we let you guys have your way, there'd be no relationship, or else there'd be a relationship riot worth having!"

It became clear to Ron and Carol that they were not alone in their "jealousy problem." Like so many of us, Carol and Ron falsely assumed that their problem was caused by some innate personality deficiency-in the other. Ron blamed Carol's jealousy. Carol blamed Ron's womanizing. I Tearing the men and the women in the group helped break Ron and Carol's "fallacy of uniqueness"-the false assumption that whatever is happening to us is unique, that no one else experiences it in quite the same way. The issue no longer was "You are not being considerate," but rather, "Men and women look at relationships differently and that can cause problems."

Men's and Women's Different Approaches to Intimate Relationships

What became clear to the group was that the problem had less to do with Carol's or any other woman's jealousy than with a basic difference in the way men and women approach intimate relationships.

Meta-analysis of hundreds of studies that investigated psychological differences between men and women suggests that the difference in the meaning attached to sex may be one of the strongest of all gender differences (Ilydc, 1993). This difference can be summarized this way: Women generally connect sex with affection, closeness, intimacy. Men generally connect sex with achievement, adventure, control, or pure physical release (Basow, 1992). In addition, leading feminist psychoanalysts argue that women's sense of self and of self-worth is grounded in their intimate relationships.I

A study by David DeSteno and Peter Salovey (1996b) shows how the importance of intimate relationships for women impacts their jealousy. In the study, characteristics of the rival were studied in terms of their impact on jealousy. Results showed that women, more so than men, consider the desires of their partner in identifying rivals who evoked jealousy. In other words, when women know that their partner is attraotcd to a part►CUlar feature in a woman, and the rival has this feature, they respond with jealousy. Men, on the other hand, consider as rivals those who excel in areas important to their own definition of themselves. They do not consider their partner's preference. This suggests that intimate partners have a greater impact on women's self definition and, because of that, on what they will consider a threat in a rival.

Because of the great importance of intimate relationships to women's sense of self, there is a difference between men and women in "mate selection criteria." This observation received research support in a much quoted study by Douglas Kenrick and his colleagues (1993). In the study, young men and women specified their minimum criteria for a date, sexual partner, exclusive dating partner, marriage partner, and a one-night sexual liaison. Sex differences were greatest for casual sexual liaisons, with men's criteria being consistently lower than women's. In other words, while for men a casual onenight stand may mean nothing, for a woman any sexual liaison is likely significant and therefore approached with caution.

In my clinical work I have discovered again and again the value of telling couples that their jealousy problem is shared by most men and women. Like Ron and Carol, when couples discover that their problem is commonly experienced by others, they stop looking for defects in each other. When it becomes clear that like most men and women they too have different ways of being intimate, much of the energy that was spent in blaming the other and protecting themselves from attack is freed and can be used for better coping.

Another interaction between Carol and Ron in the workshop demonstrated another important point: the connection between couples' original attraction to each other and the primary cause of their subsequent stress or jealousy.

"What attracted you to Carol when you met?" I asked Ron.

"Well, she's obviously a very beautiful, sexy woman," answered Ron. "She's also warm and intelligent. But what was most important to me was that she's a strong, independent woman who has a mind of her own. I don't like weak, dependent women."

'And what attracted you to Ron when you first met?" I asked Carol.

"First, I was attracted to his looks. I love thin, tall men and I love gray hair; Ron is skinny, very tall, and has wonderful gray hair. But I was attracted to his warmth and gentleness even more than to his looks. Ile really knows how to make a woman feel special like no other man I've ever known."

"So you were attracted to Ron because he is a good-looking man and knows how to relate to a woman, and now you are upset because he is attractive to other women and knows how to relate to women. A bit unfair, isn't it? And You, Ron, were attracted to Carol because she is strong and independent and has a mind of her own, but now you are upset because she wants the relationship to be the way she believes a good relationship ought to be. Strong women who have a mind of their own tend to have their own ideas about relationships, too."

When I first noted that people tend to be most distressed by an aspect of their mate's character or behavior that they initially found most attractive, I related it to the notion of our romantic image. The person we are attracted to-the person we choose to fall in love with and make a commitment to-fits our internalized romantic image in some significant way. That romantic image is most influenced by our parents, who are our first models of love. It is also influenced, albeit to a lesser degree, by evolutionary and cultural definitions of who is an attractive man or woman.

According to the evolutionary (sociobiological) approach, this definition of attractiveness is related to our evolutionary history, in which the men and women considered attractive were the ones who had a better chance to breed and provide for their offspring, and thus had a better chance to pass on their genes to future generations. In other words, cultural stereotypes for attractiveness are based on qualifications for breeding.2

Examples are big (but not too big) breasts in women and a tall, muscular (but not too tall or too muscular) body in men. Indeed, Ron described Carol, who is big-breasted, as "a very sexy Woman"; Carol, like many other women, said she liked tall, lean men. Why are big breasts attractive in a woman? Because, argue sociobiologists, it suggests the woman has the attributes needed to nurse a baby. Why are height and a muscular body attractive in a man? Because, say the sociobiologists, they suggest that the man has the attributes needed to be a good provider and protector.

Which Is the More Jealous Sex?

The answer to this question depends on our definition of jealousy. If we compare the frequency of the experience of jealousy, its symptoms, and its intensity, men and women are very similar. Actually, a consistent finding in my research has been the relative lack of differences between the sexes.} Similar findings were reported in other studies that examined gender differences in jealousy.`t

When asked how jealous they were, and how jealous they had been during earlier periods of their life, again there was no difference between men and women. There was no differences in either frequency or duration of the most intense experience of jealousy, and no difference in either the emotional or the physical components of jealousy. There was also no difference between men and women in the number of' other people who consider them jealous, either among people who knew them well, or among people with whom they had an intimate relationship. There were few gender differences concerning people or situations that elicit jealousy, all of them related to women's greater belief in monogamy.

Women and men showed no differences in the components of the experience of jealousy, its intensity or its frequency, and showed few differences in the triggers of jealousy. There were major differences, however, in the ways men and women responded to jealousy. (See Tables 11-19 in Appendix C.)