Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures (16 page)

How Do Men and Women Respond to Jealousy?

When you are jealous, how do you usually respond? Do you:

■ talk about it with your partner?

■ try to ignore the whole thing?

■ let your partner understand that you are hurt?

■ scream and shout?

■ get away?

■ respond with violence?

■ respond in some other way?

When this question was presented to 285 men and 283 women, there were several differences between the responses of' men and women, but there were many more similarities than differences.' For both men and women, the most frequent response to jealousy was to "talk about it." Talking is obviously the best response (and "right answer"). The finding that men talk more often than women contradicts the stereotype of the silent man and the talkative woman. Yet it confirms the findings of many studies that show that men do indeed talk more than women.6

For women, the second most frequent response was to "try to ignore the whole thing." This was a far less frequent response for men. These findings seem to suggest that when her partner is triggering her jealousy, a woman is able, or willing, to ignore it more than a man does. As we will see shortly, evolutionary approach has an explanation as to why this is so. Nevertheless, it should be noted that a study by Paul Mullen and Judy Martin shows that men tend to cope with jealousy by using denial and avoidance, whereas women are more likely to express their distress (Mullen & Martin, 1994).

While men and women are similar in their likelihood of letting their mate know that they are hurt, they tend to do it in different ways. For women, responses tend to include crying, sulking, and looking hurt, while men are more likely to express their feelings by lashing out in anger.

For most men and women, these three responses-talking, ignoring, and expressing hurt-accounted for the majority of the total responses mentioned (8 10/6 for men and 800/6 for women). Only a small percentage of men and women described themselves as either shouting, getting away, or resorting to violence because of jealousy. Despite the small percentages, it's worth noting that women reported using more verbal abuse than men (lid, while men reported responding with physical violence three times more than women did. This too confirms the findings of others' studies.7

While the findings of men's greater tendency to respond to jealousy with aggression seem to fit gender stereotypes and other data about men's greater violence, the results of 'a recent study seem to suggest that things may be changing. The study asked male and female undergraduates whether a male victim of a partner's infidelity should react more aggressively than a female victim, and how the respondents themselves would react to a partner's infidelity. Contrary to their expectations, the researchers discovered that the subjects, particularly females, expected females more than males to react aggressively and revengefully when confronted with infidelity. Females were also more likely than males to declare that they themselves would verbally and physically abuse their partner. Other than this role reversal, females anticipated behaving in a more typical feminine way-cry, feign indifference, and try to look cool and attractive (deWeerth & Kalma, 1993).

Despite the findings of this study-of what women and men think men and women should do when confronted with infidelity-it seems that men and women respond differently to the actual discovery that their mates have had an illicit affair. Men tend to lash out in anger, which in extreme cases can be expressed violently, and to leave the situation or the relationship. Women tend to respond with depression, disappointment, self-blame, self-doubt, and attempts to bring the man back by making themselves more attractive or by making the man jealous.8

One interpretation of the differences between men's and women's responses to jealousy is that men are more likely to protect and maintain their self-esteem, while women make a greater effort to maintain the relationship.9

When discussing affairs their mates have had, men and women have different concerns. Most men seem interested in the sexual and more "technical" details of the experience and in comparing themselves to their rival: "How big was his penis?" "I low many times did he make you come?" "Was he better or worse than me in bed?" Women, on the other hand, tend to be more interested in the significance of the experience for the quality and future of the relationship: "Do you love her?" "Do you feel closer to her?" Women also tend to be more concerned with the damage the affair might have caused to the intimacy of the relationship. They are often obsessed with such questions as, "What did you tell her about me?" "Did you share with her any intimate details about me or us?" Women feel tremendous betrayal in discovering that a mate has disclosed such intimate information.

During the reconciliation talk after the discovery of' an affair, a man is likely to say-in an attempt to belittle the threat it posed to the relationship-"It was only a physical thing, I didn't feel anything toward her." (In other words, "1 didn't make a commitment:) The woman, on the other hand, is likely to say, "It was a platonic friendship. I Ic never touched me." These explanations (chosen consciously or unconsciously) reflect the different anxiety the affair raises for men and for women. The opposite explanation-a man excusing an affair as being a platonic friendship, and a woman excusing it as being only a physical thing-is far less common.

One possible explanation of these different reactions to jealousy has to do with men's and women's different sex roles. Women are more likely than men to view an intimate relationship as central to their identity and look to find a sense of meaning in it for their life. Because women tend to identify with their relationships more than men do and to have better interpersonal skills, they are more likely to take on the roles of a relationship monitor (the guardian of the relationship), and of an emotional specialist who understands feelings and helps take care of them.10

Women's greater involvement helps explain why they are more likely to try to improve the relationship after an affair, while men are more likely to use denial or leave. A man may choose to deny or refuse to acknowledge the threat instead of consciously ignoring and minimizing it, which women are more likely to do. The reason: If he notices, lie will have to do something about it, and he may be simply too busy for that.

Another difference between men and women, related to their different levels of involvement in their relationships, is women's greater likelihood to induce jealousy. Psychologist Greg White (1980) discovered five motives for inducing jealousy: to get a specific reward, such as attention; to test the strength of the relationship; to inflict revenge because the partner was unfaithful; to bolster self-esteem; and to punish the partner. The most popular method of inducing jealousy was to discuss or exaggerate attraction to someone else, followed by flirting, dating others, fabricating rivals, and talking about former romantic partners. Women were more likely to report inducing jealousy than were men, and were more likely to do it if they were more involved in the relationship than their partner. White believes that the reason for these differences lies in women's tendency to use power that is indirect (manipulative) and personal (based on interaction rather than on concrete resources, such as money).

White's explanation focuses on the power difference between men and women. It assumes that women induce jealousy because they have less power than men in our patriarchal society. The evolutionary approach, on the other hand, assumes that all the differences between men and women, including the differences in their response to jealousy, are innate-the results of a lengthy process of evolution and natural selection. While the differences between men and women are a secondary issue in the psychodynamic and systems approaches, they are a primary issue in sociobiology.

The Evolutionary (Sociobiological) Approach

The evolution of sex differences was one of the central themes in Charles Darwin's theory. 11 According to Darwin, as males and females ascend the evolutionary ladder, differences between them become more distinct in both biology and behavior. Males become larger, more aggressive, and more intelligent. Females become more nurturing. The growing differences between the sexes are the result of a process of "natural selection."

An organism able to survive and to out-reproduce others is in evolutionary terms a "superior" organism. In fighting against each other for possession of the females, the most powerful, most intelligent, and most aggressive males (those who were the best hunters) won and thus passed on these characteristics to the next generation. Because these men were the better hunters, they were better able to protect and provide for their women and offspring. For similar reasons, children of nurturing mothers had a better chance of surviving, and passed on these women's characteristics to the next generation.

Darwin also saw an evolutionary reason for jealousy. Ile believed that jealousy was an instinctual defense (or, according to the definition of jealousy offered earlier, "a protective response") of the pair bond. Feelings and behaviors associated with jealousy served to increase the likelihood that the pair would stay together, reproduce, and raise the offspring to maturity, thus replicating their genes. The fact that jealousy appears among animals, too, was seen by Darwin as a proof that jealousy is innate.

Modern sociobiologists also describe jealousy as having an important function for genetic survival.12 Since all males confront the problem of "uncertain paternity," jealous males who guard at all times against sexual rivals are more likely to raise their own offspring rather than their rivals'.

A man whose wife has committed adultery is called a "cuckold" The term is derived from cuckoo-the bird that lays its egg in another's nest. It is never used to describe a woman whose husband has committed adultery. Why? Because a woman cannot be cheated the way a man can in wasting her "parental investment" on a parasite. Parental investment is a key concept in sociobiology; it refers to the energy expended by parents to produce and raise offspring.

The evolutionary risk men face of being cuckolded explains why, in the majority of human societies, there is an asymmetry in chastity laws: While adultery is forbidden for both sexes, commonly the woman is more severely penalized for it than the man. A prereser- valion Apache husband, for example, could beat his adulterous wife, kill her and her lover, or cut off the end of her nose so that she was too ugly for anyone to want her again. An Apache wife whose hushand committed adultery, on the other hand, could only withdraw from the relationship, attempt to get her husband back, or, in the most extreme circumstance, divorce him.13 In most known cultures a husband can punish his wife more severely and dissolve the marriage more easily than a wife can.

In a survey of types of marriage around the world it was discovered that out of 554 societies in which some kind of marriage exists, only 135 practice monogamy. The majority of* societies practice polygamy. The husbands in these societies can have two or more wives. Polyandry, the practice of a wife having two or more hushands, exists only in 4 of the 554 societies.14

In addition to anthropological reports about different forms of marriage around the world, sociobiologists use evidence from a variety of other sources, including analogies to the animal world (with the assumption that if animals' jealousy is genetically controlled, so is human jealousy); the existence of differences between men and women in response to jealousy ; the fact that male jealousy often leads to conflict and violence; anthropological evidence of the nearly universal male constraint of female sexuality; and both anthropological and psychological reports of men's concerns about their paternity.1'

From everything said so far, it must seem obvious why sociobiologists think men and women respond differently to the discovery of an affair. For a man, such responses as rage, lashing out, revenge, or leaving are all perfectly reasonable from an evolutionary perspective. The betrayal affects not only the situation at hand but also future generations. A cuckolded man who doesn't leave may be providing for another's offspring and genes. From an evolutionary perspective, the woman who has been betrayed faces a far less serious threat. The fact that her husband is spreading his sperm around is not a threat to her own offspring and genes as long as he stays and continues to provide for them. Thus her motivation is to get him away from the other woman and keep him attached to her.

Clearly, sociobiologists view jealousy as an understandable response that may appear irrational only when attention is focused on the individual who experiences and expresses it. From the perspective of that individual's genes, jealousy is extremely rational. Consider, for example, why a man should care about sharing his wife with others if he is convinced that it will in no way affect the satisfaction of his own needs. From this purely "rational" perspective there is absolutely no logical reason for jealousy scenes and violence. But when one views the situation from the perspective of the man's genetic survival, there is a perfectly good reason for his jealousy. It is a response to the threat that his genes may not be passed on to future generations. For a woman, who is always sure that the baby she carries has her genes, the focus of jealousy is on another kind of threat-that she won't have a man to provide for her and her offspring.

In summary, from a sociobiological perspective, gender differences in jealousy result from an essential male-female asymmetry in parental confidence. While females cannot easily misidentify their young and misdirect their parental care, males can only be confident of their paternity if they are the exclusive sexual partners of their mate. Therefore, the main reproductive threat associated with male infidelity is the risk of lost resources, whereas the main threat associated with female infidelity is the risk of alien insemination. Because of the different risks they face, females can be expected to be less jealous than males, and less concerned with the sexual infidelity of their partner than with the potential loss of attention and resources needed for the raising of offspring.