Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures (20 page)

The Toda and the Apache had different response options for unfaithfulness. As note(] earlier, an Apache man whose wife had been Unfaithful could kill her and her lover, or else mutilate her face. For the Toda man, the discovery that his wife had sex with another man implied a far less serious threat. In fact, there was a positive side, in that an appropriate fee would be arranged for the borrowing of his wife. Thus, the husband was not expected to show any jealousy at all.

Differences in the social organization of the "loda and the Apache can explain, far better than individual characteristics of a particular Apache or Toda, why the Apache were so much more likely than the Todd to respond with jealousy.

We can now move on to consider the question: Is the social organization of North American society the kind that encourages or discourages jealousy?

Jealousy in American Culture

In a survey of popular magazine articles on jealousy over a fortyfive-year period, sociologist Gordon Clanton discovered that the experience, expression, interpretation, and treatment of jealousy in the United States have changed substantially. From the end of World War II and until the late 1960s, almost all articles said that a certain amount of jealousy was natural, a proof of love, and good for the marriage. The reader (most often a woman) was advised to keep her jealous feelings under control and to avoid unreasonable jealousy marked by suspicion, hostility, accusations, and threats. The woman was told to avoid situations that might make her husband jealous, but to interpret his expressions of jealousy as evidence of love.

Around 1970, a new view of jealousy started to take root. Magazine articles began to question the appropriateness of jealous feel ings in intimate relationships. They no longer assumed that jealousy was evidence of love. For the first time, guilt about jealousy became a problem for large numbers of people. According to this emerging view, jealousy was not natural; it was learned. "Jealousy was no longer seen as a proof of love," Clanton observed, "It was, rather, evidence of a defect such as low self-esteem or the inability to trust. Thus, jealousy was no longer seen as good for relationships; it was bad for them. From this it followed that one could and should seek to eradicate every trace of jealousy from one's personality. Various prescriptions for achieving this were offered by therapists, gurus, and advice givers."'?

The main difference between cultures that encourage and those that discourage jealousy lies not in the norms for or against expressing jealousy, but in the social organization that determines the likelihood that jealousy will be provoked.

Americans tend to be monogamous. When a marriage doesn't work, they divorce and remarry, a practice termed by family therapists "serial monogamy." Marriage may not be the key to recognition as a mature adult and to economic self-sufficiency, but it is nonetheless important. The vast majority of Americans marry at some point; remaining single throughout life is rare and considered not altogether normal.

Despite this testimony to the importance of marriage, in recent decades people have been getting married later, and more couples have been living together out of wedlock. According to the 1990 Statistical Abstracts of the United States, there are 2,588,000 heterosexual unmarried couples living together. This is more than three times the number in 1970, and more than four times the number in 1960. According to the famous sociologist Jessie Bernard, the importance of marriage is reflected in the attitudes toward jealousy. 54

Another change that has taken place since World War II is the growing contribution of married women to the family income. Labor statistics indicate that women's participation in the labor force has increased steadily since 1950. Attitudes toward married women's work have also changed. In the 1990s, more people accept a career as a life choice for women than have ever clone so in the past. A nationwide survey discovered that three-quarters of those surveyed approved of employed wives. A similar survey conducted forty years earlier showed that three-quarters of those surveyed disapproved of a wife working if she had a husband who could support her33 Working wives are less dependent on their husbands and on the marriage than are housewives. When such career women do not find their marriages fulfilling, they are far more likely than housewives to leave their husbands.36' Other surveys show that the American view of women's roles has become increasingly more liberated.37

Over the last fifty years, American society has also become more permissive, especially toward premarital sex. A Harris poll taken in the mid-1980s found that 70% of the women and 79oi6 of the men aged 18-29 thought it was all right for regularly dating couples to have sex. On the other hand, only 40% of the women and 55% of the men aged 50-64 thought this was acceptable'; This change in attitude is expressed in behavior as well. A survey among married couples indicates that of the couples 18-24 years of age, 95% of the men and 810/0 of the women had had premarital sex.59

According to Kingsley Davis, jealousy is a culturally sanctioned response to a violation of sexual property rights.40 As sexual norms regarding such issues as premarital sex and virginity become more liberal, we can expect that the norms supporting the expression of jealousy will weaken.

There has been a change in attitude toward virginity in the United States. The same Ilarris poll showed that 22% of men and 27% of women aged 18-24 said it was important for a woman to be a virgin when she gets married, compared to 410/6 of' men and 640/6 of women aged 50-64. Clearly, virginity is no longer considered necessary for young women, and therefore few feel compelled to retain it or to say that they have. Actually, Lillian Rubin argues that the sexual revolution, which freed women to say yes, went too far in making it difficult for them to say no.41

For most Americans, monogamy remains a strongly held moral idea, even when they don't always adhere to it. The results of large surveys of extramarital sex conducted in the 1980s and the 1990s indicate that 500/0 to 650/6 of married men and 450/6 to 550/0 of married women engaged in intercourse with outside partners.42 Despite this high rate of infidelity, most people still continue to say that they believe in monogamy.43 Sociologist Robert Whitehurst argues that the importance of' viewing the American society as a paired and family-oriented society cannot be overestimated. Strong pairing norms make for a heightened sense of ownership ("my wife," "my husband") and exclusivity. They encourage overprotectiveness and vigilance and increase our predisposition toward jealousy.44

Growing up in America, men and women are socialized to take personal descendants seriously. This can explain the growing popularity of such solutions to infertility as artificially implanting a husband's sperm in his wife's uterus or paying a "surrogate" to be artificially impregnated, carry the husband's baby, and deliver it. Fatherhood is a legal relation that, once established by blood and tissue tests, defines certain financial obligations toward the child.

Despite women's economic contribution in housework, child care, and actual income, they still don't participate equally with men in political and religious leadership. This lack of power influences both their likelihood to perceive threats to their relationships and their likelihood to respond to those threats with jealousy.

The results of a study I did in the early 1990s suggest that attitudes toward jealousy may be changing again. The study involved 120 men and women who were asked to respond to the question, "How jealous are you?" I compared the responses these people gave in 1991 to the responses of 103 American men and women who were asked the same question in 1980. People in 1991 reported significantly higher levels of jealousy. One reason may be that in the 1990s people are more committed to monogamous relationships, either as a result of the threat posed by AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases, or in backlash against the sexual promiscuity of previous decades. With the greater commitment to monogamy comes a greater acceptance of jealousy.

Paul Mullen (1993), who studied the changes in the social and legal concept of jealousy across cultures and throughout history, suggests that jealousy has been transformed from a socially sanctioned response to infidelity into personal pathology (especially in cases of crimes of passion). In making jealousy a symptom of' psychopathology, says Mullen, it ceases to be the responsibility of the individual and allows claims of diminished capacity with respect to crimes of passion.

After this long discussion of jealousy in "the American Society" it should be emphasized that American society is far larger, more complex, and more varied than the primitive cultures described throughout this chapter. Different subcultures relate to jealousy differently. The cultural heritage of men and women growing up in an Italian, Japanese, or Irish subculture is likely to have a major influence on their predisposition to jealousy. Indeed, marriage therapists Christie Penn and her colleagues (1997) suggest that therapists should understand the significance of infidelity in their work with ethnic minorities in the United States. They give as an example three such ethnic minorities-African Americans, Hispanic Americans, and Asian Americans-whose beliefs about infidelity are influenced by their different religions. In Catholicism chastity is expected before marriage, and fidelity afterwards. In Eastern philosophy, infidelity is traditionally accepted for a nian if his wife cannot produce a male descendent. In Islam, fidelity after marriage is demanded-for women. In Protestantism, there is clear ban on infidelity.

As a result of these different religious beliefs, as well as different traditional beliefs about marriage, beliefs about infidelity vary among these minorities. Among African Americans infidelity is tolerated, even if not approved, especially for males. Among I lispanic Americans, open infidelity is frowned upon, yet is acceptable for males. Among Asian Americans, infidelity is acceptable for males, and females are blamed for it (the wife for not giving the man what he needs, the other woman for taking him away).

Is Jealousy Universal?

No known culture, including those in which jealousy is considered shameful and undesirable, is completely free from jealousy. Even among the Toda, despite the societal sanction against jealousy, their belief that they would be punished in the afterlife for being jealous indicates that the sanction did not eliminate it altogether. If there is punishment, there must be offenders. A culture can socialize people against expressing jealousy, but it cannot keep them from ('cling jealous when they perceive a threat to a valued relationship.

The conclusion that jealousy is universal is supported by research as well. In one study, Dutch and English children were compared to children in an isolated Himalayan village. Both groups were knowledgeable of situations that provoke various emotions, among them jealousy.4 In another study, students from Ilungary, Ireland, Mexico, the Netherlands, Russia, the United Stales, and Yugoslavia were asked about situations likely to elicit jealousy. Results indicate that for nearly everyone, kissing, flirting, and sexual involvement between their mate and a third person evoked a jealous response. Far less jealousy was provoked by the partner dancing with others, hugging them, or having sexual fantasies about them. There were, however, some cultural differences related to particular responses.46 In yet another study comparing jealousy among Chinese and American students, it was found that while both Chinese and American students reported distress in response to sexual infidelity, a higher proportion of American students reported great distress-suggesting that jealousy might be influenced by sexual permissiveness in the general culture (Geary et al., 1995).

Freud also believed jealousy was universal. Unlike cross-cultural psychologists who base their conclusion on evidence gathered in different cultures, Freud based his conclusion on evidence gathered from the unconscious depths of the human psyche. Freud believed that jealousy is universal because it is rooted in childhood experiences all of us share.

It may be worth noting, however, that while Freud believed that jealousy is the product of the individual's mind, he also believed that the culture contributes to it. Jealousy is aggravated in a culture that worships a monotheistic God who proclaims, "Thou shalt have no other gods before me... for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God.47 Jealousy is also aggravated in a culture that upholds an ideal of monogamous marriage and of a repressed self. Such a culture encourages people to expect exclusivity in love, which makes it difficult for them to accept infidelity, real or imagined. While some cultures may mitigate the pains of jealousy, Freud could not imagine one in which people are completely free of this "discontent"48

Sociobiology also supports the notion that jealousy is universal. Darwin saw jealousy as an innate defense of the pair bond, which evolved through natural selection to increase the likelihood that the pair would stay together and reproduce.

What Does This Have to Do with an Individual's Jealousy Problem?

People suffering from a jealousy problem can take comfort in the knowledge that such widely differing sources as psychoanalysis, sociobiology, and cross-cultural psychology come to the same conclusion: Jealousy is universal. But is this kind of comfort enough to help people cope with jealousy?

As I was writing this chapter, Amalya (whose problems with her boyfriend's jealousy were described earlier) asked me what was I working on. I started telling her about the Apache and the Toda and the Eskimos. "How can knowing about the Eskimos help me deal with Sam's insane jealousy?" she asked. "It can make you realize how much his jealousy is influenced by the culture we live in," I responded. "That doesn't help rne," said Amalya. "I need to understand what makes Sam jealous and what I can do about it." Amalya noted a potential problem in the application of the social-psychological approach: Because the focus is on the culture, we may lose sight of the individual.