Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures (21 page)

Although drawing practical advice from the study of other cultures may seem difficult or irrelevant at first, it is far from impossible. In fact, sociologists such as Gordon Clanton believe that a social perspective on jealousy can lead to better self-understanding and more effective therapy. Awareness of social forces, says Clanton, can both enhance our understanding of jealousy and provide a basis for a critique of misleading views. An example of such a misleading position is the view that jealousy is caused by low self-esteem, and that raising self-esteem can reduce or "cure" jealousy. Instead of accepting this assumption uncritically, Clanton believes that we should search for its social roots.

His own search suggests that this view, which is taken for granted both by professionals and lay people, is typical of a wide tendency to attribute a variety of personal failures and problems to low selfesteem. In fact, Clanton argues, one may have high self-esteem in general, but still experience jealousy if a valued relationship is threatened. Furthermore, it is at least as plausible that the jealousy causes the low self-esteem and not the other way around.49 Clanton's view is supported by cross-cultural surveys that reveal that low self-esteem plays little or no role in explaining jealousy in various cultures.

In Sam and Amalya's case, it is possible that the powerful and disturbing experience of jealousy helped diminish Sam's good feelings about himself. I lis bad feelings were reinforced by the cultural view of jealousy as a personal defect, a view reflected in Amalya's attitude toward his jealousy problem. Awareness of the culture's influence on our experience of jealousy makes us less likely to adopt erroneous and potentially damaging views.

In addition to making people aware of cultural influences on jealousy, social psychology-which focuses on the interaction between individuals and their social environment-has another important implication for coping with jealousy. It can help individuals and couples see their jealousy problem in a new way.

There are two kinds of explanations or attributions for events: dispositional (related to stable personality traits of the person or people involved in the event), and situational (related to the special circumstances in which the event took place).i0 People who say: "I am a jealous person" explain their jealousy in dispositional terms. When they have feelings, thoughts, and physical symptoms in response to a situation that triggered their jealousy, they say, "I am experiencing these symptoms because I am a jealous person." In other words, "That's the way I am and there's nothing that can be done to change that." Another person experiencing a similar set of symptoms in response to a similar situation may explain things in situational terms: "I am experiencing these symptoms of jealousy because the person I am married to has had an affair."

People who explain their jealousy in situational terms leave open the possibility that in a different situation they may respond in a different way. When they feel excluded because their partner is flirting with someone, they arc likely to attribute their jealousy to that particular event and focus their efforts on changing this situation. People who explain jealousy in dispositional terms are far Tess motivated to change, because for them change means the virtually impossible task of changing a "jealous person" to a "nonjealous person."

When an individual or a couple comes to therapy, most often the dispositional label "jealous person" is already in place. Their typical goal for therapy is to change the jealous person so that he or she will stop being jealous. 70 challenge this dispositional attribution, I ask the "jealous person" such questions as, "Have you been that jealous in all your intimate relationships?" or, "Have you always been that jealous in this relationship?" The answer to these questions is almost always no. Even if the person can recall only one instance of atypical jealous behavior, it still means that the person is not "a jealous person" but someone whose jealousy is triggered more easily in some situations than in others. The challenge then becomes to identify what it is about a particular relationship or situation that makes the person jealous. As difficult as that task may seem, it is far easier than changing a "jealous person" to a "nonjealous person."

If the person has in fact been extremely jealous in all previous intimate relationships, and during all stages of the current relationship, the label "jealous person" might seem appropriate It is still unlikely that he or she has felt equal degrees of jealousy in all relationships and at all times. Such a person can try to discover which situations increase the jealousy and which situations reduce it, then make an effort to avoid the former and seek the latter.

An Evaluation of the Social-Psychological Approach

The major contribution of the social-psychological approach is the notion that jealousy is a social phenomenon as well as a psychological one. The different ways that people in different cultures respond to jealousy help to prove that jealousy is related to the values and norms of the culture in which we live. In the discussion of diversity in culture, ethnicity, class and gender, diversity in sexual orientation also has an important place (see, for example, Jacobson & Christensen, 1996).

Major criticism of' this approach is that it underestimates the importance of processes operating in the mind of the jealous individual. Ralph Hupka's conclusion is an example of this extreme social position: "Jealousy is a function of "a culturally defined event, not the cause of it. It is the situation which sets the occasion for jealousy. It is not the jealousy which creates the situation. Jealousy is a social phenomenon. It is not a product of the mind of an isolated individual. 5

Instead of this either/or proposition, I would like to suggest that jealousy is both a social phenomenon and a product of an individual's mind. The psychodynamic, the systems, and the behavioral approaches are all part of' clinical psychology and, as such, have elaborate recommendations for the treatment of' jealousy. Unlike these clinical approaches, social psychology doesn't offer explicit suggestions for coping. Yet an awareness of the cultural influences on jealousy and the ability to shift from dispositional to situational attribution can help people cope with jealousy in a less emotionally loaded way.

A Note for Therapists

The social-psychological approach, while not directly applied to therapy, still has two important implications for the therapist: First, the importance of the normalizing effect that the information about the diversity and the universality of jealousy has, and second, helping individuals and couples make the shift from dispositional to situational attributions.

The task of shifting from a dispositional to a situational attribution of the jealousy problem can be accomplished by addressing at length such questions as, "What is it about this relationship or this particular situation that triggers your jealousy?" "In what other relationship or period of time in this relationship have you been least jealous?" "What was it about that other relationship or period of time that made you feel more secure and less likely to respond with jealousy?" Another line of questions can address the couple's perception of norms related to fidelity, to discover whether the jealousy problem is related to a difference in their understanding of these norms.

These kinds of questions are different from the questions "Why am 1 a jealous person?" or "l low can I stop being a jealous person?" By treating jealousy as a situational issue, the couple is motivated to work together to change the situation so that jealousy is less likely to be triggered.

 
Romantic Jealousy
in Open Relationships

Erotic love is exclusive, but it loves in the other person all of mankind, all that is alive.... In essence, all human beings are identical.... This being so, it should not make any difference whom we love.

-I-.rich Fromm, The;Irt of Loving

Jealousy is a kind of fear related to a desire to preserve a possession.

-Descartes

Imagine the experience of 'a person whose spouse admits to having sex "on the side" occasionally, but assures the person that it is the result of a need for variety and is not caused by any lack of love or by a problem in the relationship. The extramarital sex will in no way affect the relationship-but will go on-because the spouse feels there is nothing wrong with it. Imagine further that the marriage has been happy and satisfying up to this point. Should the person agree to this "arrangement?" Consider a divorce? Consider separation? Be jealous?

A study comparing 100 "swingers" (husbands and wives who together engage in sexual mate exchange) and 100 nonswingers indicates that swingers are far less likely to consider extramarital sex (which to them is not the same as an illicit affair) a sufficient reason for divorce or separation. They also said they would be far less jealous in such a situation.I

Swingers are an example of people who manage to develop a rel ative immunity to jealousy.2 Such people consider sexual variety and freedom important to a relationship. Some also subscribe to an ideology of universal love (of which Erich Fromm's quote is an example), which makes overcoming romantic jealousy an important philosophical issue as well as a practical one.

In their book Open Marriage, George and Nena O'Neill devote a whole chapter to love and sex without jealousy.' As can be expected, the O'Neills believe that the "dark shadow" cast by jealousy has no place in an "open marriage" and is not necessary in a "closed marriage," either.

The O'Neills view jealousy not as natural, instinctive, and inevitable, but as a learned response, determined by cultural attitudes. And since it is a learned response, they argue, it can be unlearned. As evidence for their claim that jealousy is not "natural" in intimate relationships, the O'Neills mention societies around the world in which jealousy is minimal.

Why is jealousy so prevalent in Western society? The O'Neills blame the "closed marriage" contract, which creates the impression that people "own" their mates. Sexually exclusive monogamy breeds dependency and insecurity. "Jealousy is never a function of love," they argue, "but of insecurities and dependencies. It is the fear of a loss of love and it destroys that very love."

The O'Neills discuss several "misconceptions" that, in their view, cause jealousy to occur in closed marriages. They believe that by doing away with such misconceptions, an open marriage helps disassociate jealousy from love and sex.

One of these "misconceptions" is the idea that there is a limited quantity of love-that you cannot love more than one person at a time. The "truth," they argue, is that we can love different people, each one of them for the unique things that make him or her lovable.

Another "misconception" is the idea that jealousy proves the existence of romantic love. The "truth" is that jealousy proves the existence of insecurities and dependencies, not love. Monogamy, they say, "perverts" jealousy into a "good" (for example, some husbands and wives actually try to make their mates jealous). But jealousy is never good or constructive.

A third "misconception" is the idea that humans (especially women) are sexually monogamous. The "truth" is that humans of both sexes are not sexually monogamous by nature, evolution, or force of habit. The obvious proof, they say, is that most people fail to live up to a standard of monogamy. Indeed, monogamy does not mean having sex only with your partner. It simply means being married to one partner at a time.

The creator of rational-emotive therapy, Albert Ellis (1962/1996), has a similar criticism of monogamy, which, in his opinion, not only "directly encourages the development of intense jealousy, but also by falsely assuming that men and women can love only one member of the other sex at a time, and can only be sexually attracted to that one person, indirectly sows the seeds for even more violent displays of jealousy."

In my own work with people who have had open relationships, I discovered that the practice of nonmonogamy is far more complicated and difficult than the O'Neills and Ellis imply. It is difficult to unlearn the jealous response, especially if you live in a society that encourages possessiveness and jealousy. Because of these and other reasons, overcoming jealousy, while possible, requires tremendous work.

One couple, Kim and Larry, decided to open their marriage after seven years of monogamy. Both felt secure in the marriage and wanted to add variety to their sex life, which had lost some of its passion. They decided that on Tuesday and Thursday nights Larry could go to see his lovers, while Kim could bring her lovers home.

One of Kim's lovers recounted the strange experience to me:

You wake up in the morning naked under the blankets after spending the night making love. Suddenly her husband comes into the bedroom, says good morning to you, and then starts an argument with her about who was supposed to take out the garbage last night.

Kim described some of her own experiences:

I was the one who pushed to open the marriage. I thought this would be the ideal arrangement-you get to have your cake and cat it too. At times it really is like that. This happens when I have an exciting lover, with whom I can spend the night on Tuesday and Thursday, without having to deceive Larry. The problem comes up when I don't have an exciting lover, or when I don't have any lover at all. In those times, the fact that Larry goes out and spends a night with a woman that he finds exciting (possibly more exciting than me) drives me absolutely Mills.