Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures (33 page)

Linda and Gail felt sorry for Alan, yet felt united as women against this man whom both of them had loved, trusted, and felt betrayed by.

The joy of sharing their love, their pain, and their power as women fueled Linda and Gail's relationship for it while. But it was not enough Of 'd foundation for it long term relationship-not for Linda, that is. Soon she started longing for the safety of Alan's arms. Gail's arms weren't strong enough to make her feel safe, to calm her fears and insecurities. Eventually, Linda went hack to Alan.

Once again Gail had a chance to experience jealousy. This time she was not jealous of Linda for having Alan, but of Alan for having Linda. The loss of Linda's love was far more painful than the loss of Alan's love. Gail had never allowed herself to he as vulnerable with a man as she had been with Linda. The loss was devastating.

Linda was supportive and understanding of Gail, yet clear about wanting to make her marriage work. After a while she bond Gail's pain and emotional dependency increasingly more difficult to han- d1e. She suggested that Gail go to therapy, and told her she was willing to help her cover the cost.

Through therapy, Gail was able to understand her obsession with Linda and the reasons for her problematic relationships with men. A year and a half later she moved in with another woman, with whom she developed a very satisfying relationship. Yet she still cared deeply about Linda and wanted to be a part of her life. When Linda had a baby, Alan, Linda's doctor, and Gail were with her in the delivery room.

Alan, for his part, came to realize the impact his lack of formal education had on his self-image and on his relationship with Linda, and decided to go to college-something lie had dreamed about all his life.

A Case Analysis

For the purpose of this chapter, the most important point this complicated case demonstrates is that something good can indeed come out of jealousy. In the study mentioned earlier, the effect of jealousy that respondents found most positive was that jealousy can make people examine their relationships. Did the jealousy each of them experienced cause Alan, Linda, and Gail to examine their relationship? Most clef initely yes! As a result of their different jealousy crises, all three spent long hours talking about themselves and about their relationship.

Although the results of such exploration can be rewarding, the process it involves can be both difficult and emotionally demanding. It points to the personal vulnerabilities that make people susceptible to jealousy, and to the repeated patterns that keep jealousy alive in their relationships. Some couples can explore their jealousy problem on their own; others need the professional help and support of 'a therapist.

By examining the love they felt for each other (those qualities that had initially attracted them to each other and the most important thing they gained from the relationship) and by examining the shadow this love had cast when threatened (the threat or the loss that triggered their jealousy) Alan, Linda, and Gail were able to identify the function that the love and the jealousy served in their inner lives, and in the dynamics of their relationship.

Regardless of the approach, or combination of approaches, used to analyze this complex relationship, the story portrays jealousy as the shadow of love. We can start with Linda's love and jealousy of Alan. Both of Linda's parents were intellectuals and successful professionals. They were also very close to each other, and their closeness didn't leave much space for Linda. In addition, Linda's emotional life was marked by competition with a brilliant and cold older brother and by identification with her mother's unhappiness. As a result of these childhood experiences, Linda was sophisticated intellectually, but full of emotional insecurities. Alan, a simple earthy man, gave her the adoration and intimacy she was longing for because of her childhood deprivation. Only after Alan met her deeper emotional needs was Linda able to look for someone more like herself (and like her father and brother). When Linda had the affair, Alan's jealousy focused on his intellectual inferiority to her lover.

Alan's parents were farmers and uncomplicated, practical people. Alan felt loved, yet was desperate to get away from the world they represented. When Linda had her affair, he felt not only devastated by the betrayal of the woman lie adored, but also rejected by the world she represented. Alan had to be comforted by women who were more like himself. I Ie needed someone Who would appreciate him, and his female tennis partners met that need. During the second crisis in his marriage lie was looking for the same thing, and found it in his relationship with Gail.

Linda's jealousy was dominated by the feeling of exclusion she had experienced often in her childhood: The two of them" (her parents) shared a wonderful intimacy that did not include her. The security of being loved and adored by a stable man like Alan was gone. She no longer felt safe and special. He was giving other women (especially Gail) what she considered as hers alone: the affirmation she was not able to get as a child, the assurance that she was "num- her one."

A different kind of love bound Alan and Gail. They were two of a kind; their family backgrounds were similar, and an easy friendship developed between them long before they felt any passion. When Alan went back to Linda, Gail's jealousy focused on the loss of this friendship. Alan's romantic betrayal was especially painful for Gail because he was someone she had considered a trusted friend and a kindred spirit.

The love between Gail and Linda was fueled by sharing powerful emotions: love, jealousy, rage at Alan, and camaraderie as women. It also had another powerful element: Gail and Linda complemented each other in much the same way Linda and Alan did. Gail was the "roots" and Linda the "wings." This proved, once again, a powerful combination. The combination, however, was much more powerful for Gail than for Linda, because Alan, with whom Linda had a similar relationship, was physically stronger and more able to make her feel secure.

When Linda returned to Alan, Gail's jealousy focused on the loss of' the intimate bond the two women had shared. She was certain she would never have this kind of a bond again. She later discovered that while she couldn't have such a bond with a man, she could have it with another woman.

A psychodynamic analysis of the relationship between Alan, Linda, and Gail focuses on the unconscious needs brought out by their jealousy and on the childhood experiences at the root of both their jealousy and their love.

Looking at romantic jealousy as a couple issue (in all three permutations) is an example of the systems approach. In Linda and Alan's case, for example, they fell in love because each represented a lost part in the other (Linda was Alan's "wings" and Alan was Linda's "roots"). With time, however, the missing part in the other became a source of repeated conflicts. Each wanted the thing the other was least able to provide: Linda wanted Alan to become more intellectual, and Alan wanted Linda to become less involved with her career. When Alan and Linda recognized this destructive pattern, they were able to work on developing the lost parts in themselves. For Linda, motherhood provided an especially rewarding opportunity to develop her "roots"; for Alan, the possibility of going to college provided an opportunity to develop his "wings" Once they took steps to develop these "missing parts" in themselves, they were less dependent on each other to provide them.

From the sociobiological point of view, the differences between Linda's relationships with Gail and Alan demonstrate the inherent difference between the male and the female response to jealousy. When Gail and Linda were jealous, they felt devastated and responded with desperate attempts to save the relationship. When it was Alan's turn to experience jealousy, however, he responded in the typical masculine way: with rage and lashing out, protecting his ego more than the relationship.

According to the social-psychological perspective, the threesome's need for exclusive monogamous relationships reflects the North American value of monogamy. In another culture the threesome could have found a solution in the form of a triangle family. In a polygamous society, Alan could have taken both Linda and Gail as wives. Jealousy is a culturally accepted reaction to many of the situations described in the story. None of the same jealous reactions would have happened in a culture such as the'Ioda.

Returning to the definition of jealousy, I think it is rather clear that every time Alan, Linda, or Gail experienced jealousy, each was responding to what he or she perceived to be a threat to a valued relationship. Jealousy, as the story demonstrates, is indeed a complex response with many influences: childhood experiences, relationship dynamics, learned responses, cultural norms, and inherent differences between the sexes.

Postscript

The jealousy crisis taught Linda not to take Alan for granted and also gave her the incentive to commit herself to the relationship-both very positive effects. While their marriage had never been listless, jealousy brought so much excitement into it that once the crisis passed, both Linda and Alan were ready for some peace and quiet.

Since they no longer needed jealousy to make life more interesting, Linda and Alan arrived at a relatively calm stage of their relationship. hnstead of using jealousy to fuel their passion and intensify the emotions in their relationship, they could focus their energy on their young child and therefore delight in something positive and hopeful. Alan is a doting father who built the baby's crib and first toys with his own hands. Linda appreciates Alan's help and devotion. She too adores her beautiful child and discovered that she can be a good mother. Linda finds motherhood a rich and rewarding experience.

Working on their jealousy problem made Alan and Linda aware of each other's needs and vulnerabilities. Both are trying hard to be sensitive to these needs. Although they are not always successful, the overall atmosphere in their little family is one of warmth and caring. Linda concludes, "All this taught Alan and me how much we really care about each other. We decided to stop hurting each other and just enjoy the good thing that we have. And we do."

Gail, who started therapy as a result of the jealousy crisis, has made important discoveries about herself* that have enabled her to live a more honest and satisfying life. As an introverted woman who grew up in a blue-collar family, self-examination was something she had never before considered. The therapy offered her the chance to work through her relationship with Linda and discover the conscious and unconscious roots of her problem in relationships with men. If it were not for the crisis prompted by her jealousy of Linda and Alan, she probably would have continued to avoid this very painful but ultimately healing process.

Since Alan no longer perceived Gail as a threat to his relationship with Linda, he didn't object to her presence in their life. With time, some of his warm feelings toward Gail returned. Linda continues to maintain a close friendship with Gail.

Jealousy itself did not cause these positive changes in Alan, Linda, and Gail. The changes came from the way they coped with their jealousy. Instead of treating it as a traumatic experience they had to get over as quickly as possible, they used it as an opportunity for growth.

My goal in writing this book has been to give individuals, couples, and professionals working with individuals and couples the information, tools, and examples they need to turn jealousy into such a positive experience. The case of Alan, Linda, and Gail is just one example.

A Note to Therapists

Alan, Linda, and Gail's case demonstrates an obvious point that can't be overemphasized. Professionals who work with individuals and couples with a jealousy problem have to shed their own assumptions about relationships and be nonjudgmental in their dealings with their clients. People who are troubled by jealousy think that there is something terribly wrong with them. The therapist has to provide a supportive and nonjudgmental milieu in order to help them turn the problem into an experience of personal growth. Because breaking the fallacy of uniqueness and the blame frame are much easier when people can see that they are not the only ones struggling with this problem, a jealousy workshop may be very helpful. Suggestions for leading such a workshop can be found in Appendix A.

A Final Word about the Five Approaches to Jealousy

In describing the five primary approaches to jealousy, I have underplayed the aspects in which they contradict each other. I value and use each one of the five approaches, but part company with them when they dismiss each other-which they routinely do. Many of the theoreticians and practitioners of each approach would be extremely uncomfortable at the prospect of being lumped together with approaches they oppose.

For a psychodynamically oriented therapist, behavioral techniques can't possibly cure the "real issue" underlying a jealousy problem. Tb d behavioral therapist, the psychodynamic preoccupation with the unconscious and with traumatic childhood experiences is unnecessary and cannot possibly help cure a jealousy problem. To a systems therapist, the focus of both behavioral and psychodynamically oriented therapists on the individual makes no sense in the treatment of such obviously "couple" issues as jealousy. To a social psychologist, the notion that jealousy is a product of a particular individual mind or a particular relationship is absurd when it so clearly is determined by cultural norms and mores. In addition, the sociobiologisl's notion that jealousy is innate and that sex differences in jealousy have evolved in an evolutionary process is not only ridiculous, but dangerous as well. Sociobiologists don't understand how anyone can deny the existence of an innate element in jealousy when the evidence for it is so overwhelming.