Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures (35 page)

After either "Romantic Jealousy as the Shadow of Love" or "The Romantic Image and Its Relationship to Jealousy" couples can spend time discussing (with partners taking turns talking and reflecting what they hear- the other say) things they can do to help each other better cope with their jealousy problem.

Another exercise, described in chapter nine, is "Revisiting Your Most Intense Jealousy." This exercise also starts with relaxation. Participants are invited to imagine themselves relaxing in their favorite place as they imagine the sun's rays warming different parts of their body. Next they are asked to [lip through the pages of their personal history book until they reach the incident that triggered their most intense feelings of jealousy. What exactly happened? How did they respond? What did they feel and think? (This can be very difficult for some people in the group and may cause an outburst of tears.) After they open their eyes and sit up, participants tell their story to their foursome (or to the group, if it is a group numbering less than ten people). Since some of the stories can be rather complicated and painful, a whole hour should be allotted to this part of the exercise.

The second part of the exercise starts the same way as the first, with participants lying on the floor and imagining they are in their favorite place. They imagine themselves lying there, the sun warming them gently and relaxing every part of their body. But this time the sun is not only warming them, but also energizing and empowering them with its rays. They feel strong and in charge. Time has passed since they experienced their most intense jealousy, and during that time they have learned more about themselves and about relationships. They are wiser and more experienced. When they can feel their power and wisdom, they are instructed to hold on to them as they go back in lime and revisit their most intense experience of jealousy. They have miraculously been given a chance to go back to that incident and relive it any way they want-remembering that now they are armed with wisdom, experience, and power. What do they choose to do? I low do they respond this time? Is it the same way they responded originally, or differently, the way they have wished so many times they had responded? Participants describe what happened when they revisited their jealousy to their foursome, and later, if they so choose, to the entire group in an open summary and sharing segment.

"From Twosome to "Threesome" is an exercise not previously described in this book. Its goal is to demonstrate what happens when a third person enters a diadic relationship. Group members are assigned the letters A, B, or C. (The group leader goes around the room pointing to people and saying: You are A, you are B, you arc C." It is important that there will be equal numbers in each of the letters.) Bs are asked to leave the room and wait outside, while the,'] and Cdyads are instructed to talk openly about a current problem they are struggling with. As the discussion progresses and deepens, the Bs are instructed to return to the room and join in the conversation. What happens typically is that the Bs find it difficult to barge in, and when they succeed, the "intimacy" of the AC couple is broken.

"Sociodrama" is an exercise mentioned in chapter five and is aimed at exploring conflicts related to jealousy, especially those that tend to be divided by gender (e.g. is it better for couples to be monogamous or to have open relationships). An imaginary line is drawn across the room. On each end of the line is one extreme position ("only a monogamous relationship can offer true intimacy" vs. "true love is only possible if both partners give each other complete freedom"). Two volunteers are asked to present these two positions convincingly, even if they are more extreme than their own positions. Once the two extreme positions have been elaborated, group members are asked to place themselves on that part of the imaginary line that best reflects their position on the issue, and move along the line if they change their position during the discussion.

"Role Reversal" (described in chapter four) is the basis of yet another fun exercise. Participants arc asked to go on a date (with their partner if possible, and with someone who can easily role play their partner if they are alone). On that (late (they decide jointly where to meet, and arrive at the meeting place dressed in any way they see fit) they are instructed to behave the way their partner typically behaves. This makes it possible to feel how their partner usually feels (either jealous or harassed by jealousy), develop greater empathy for their partner and explore the possibility of change in that direction for themselves.

Individual Issues

The third stage of the workshop, which is only possible in weekend or week-long workshops, involves an open discussion of participants' individual issues. Couples who volunteer to present their issue to the group are asked to describe the issue from their different perspectives. Once they have done so to their own satisfaction, group members who feel that they have a personal understanding or involvement with their issue are asked to elaborate on each partner's perspective. (This process was described in chapter five in Ron and Carol's case.) Once the perspectives have been clarified, the question of coping is raised, with both group members and the couple trying out various modes of coping with the problem.

The Final Session

The final session of the group (for which at least an hour should be allotted) is devoted to personal summaries and feedback. As in the introduction session, participants are invited to share with the group anything of significance that has happened to them, and commit themselves to changes they plan to make. This is also the occasion for workshop participants to tell the group leader what they think and feel about the workshop.

 
Appendix B

The Roman tic Jealousy Questionnaire

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Appendix C

Romantic Jealousy Research

Research

The criterion question "Arc you a jealous person?" in The Romantic Jealousy Questionnaire (Pines & Aronson, 1980) was shown to be significantly correlated with self-reported jealousy, relationship jealousy, chronic jealousy, projective jealousy, interpersonal jealousy, dependency, and romantic love (Mathes et al., 1982).

Tables 1-8 present the different antecedents, correlates, and consequences of romantic jealousy. These tables were first published in Pines, A. M. & Aronson, E. (1983). Antecedents, correlates and consequences of sexual jealousy. Journal of Personalily, 1, 108-136, and are reprinted by permission of the Journal of Personality.

Table 9 shows the difference between people who answered "yes" and those who answered "no" to the question: "Are you a jealous person?"

Table 10 presents correlates of projected jealousy.

Table 11-19 present various aspects of gender differences in jealousy.

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Note: Correlations with responses to the question: How jealous are you at this stage of your life? (1 = not jealous at all; 7 = extremely jealous) The different p values to identical r values are the result of different ns.

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Note: F is the result of an analysis of variance comparing the means. Small p is the probability of the result being an error.

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Notes

Chapter 1. The Green-Eyed Monster or the Shadow of Love?

1. Similar definitions were offered by other scholars, such as Buss (1994); Clanton £~ Smith (1986); Parrot & Smith (1995); Salovey (1991); White & MuIlan (1989).

2. The psychological differences between envy and jealousy have been discussed by numerous scholars, including Anderson (1987); Haslam & Bornstein (1996); I lupka ct at. (1985); Krecgcr (1992); Parrott (1991); Parrot & Smith (1995); Salovey (1991); Salovey & Rodin (1986, 1991); Salovey & Rothman (1991).

In the Hupka et al. (1985) study, the responses to jealousy and envy in Hungary, Ireland, Mexico, the USSR, Iloland, Yugoslavia, and the U.S. were compared and found to be similar.

3. It may be worth noting that Nancy Friday's book Jealousy (1987) deals more with envy than with jealousy.

4. For a study addressing jealousy as a trigger of family murder followed by suicide, you may want to react Goldney (1977). For reports on jealousy as a trigger of murder, see Benczech (1984); Mowat (1966); and White & Mullen (1989) 218-246. White and Mullen report in their book that up to one in five murders is motivated by jealousy.

For discussions of jealousy as a trigger of'wife battering, see Adams (1990); Delgado ti Bond (1993); Finn (1985); and Saunders & I-Ianusa (1986). Discussions of jealousy as a cause of the destruction of romantic relationships and as the trigger of aggression among dating couples, marital problems, and divorce can be found in Constantine (1976); Docherty & Ellis (1976); and Riggs (1993). For discussions of the relationship between jealousy and depression, suicidal thoughts, loss of self-esteem, anxiety, and anger, see Carson & Johnson (1985); Mathes et al. (1985); and Everton & Tate (1990). Fora discussion of jealousy as a trigger of'violence, criminal behavior, and hatred, see Laner (1990) and Lcong el al. (1994).

5. In eight different studies involving 1069 people, all of the respondents, including (hose who described themselves as not jealous, said that they experienced jealousy in some stage of their life. The first study (Aronson & Pines, 1980) involved fifty-four people. The second (Pines & Aronson, 1985) involved 103 people. The third (Pines, I987a) involved fifteen commune members. The fourth (Pines, 1985) involved twenty-two male inmates. The fifth (Pines, 1996) involved fifty-eight people. The sixth (Pines, 1987b) involved 571 people. The seventh (chapter eight) involved twelve female inmates and twelve female noninmates. The eighth (Pines & Friedman, 1998) involved 222 American students.

6. The question of who is the target, the beloved or the rival, is a very interesting question addressed by Mathes & Verstracte (1993).

7. For a discussion of' pathological jealousy, see for example Buunk (1994) and ('oen (1987). For a discussion of pathological tolerance, see Pinta (1979).

8. Examples of studies that relate abnormal jealousy to different organic neurological and physical disorders include Achte et at. (1991); Brenner & Anderson (1994); and Hodgson et al. (1992).

9. Abnormal jealousy has been described as delusional, morbid, obsessional, and pathological. See for example Bishay et al. (1996); Buunk (1994); Egan et al. (1996); Stein, et al. (1994).

10. A normal distribution is bell-shaped:

Normalcy is defined as a characteristic of' the majority that falls within two standard deviations above and below the mean. The middle range (the wide part of the bell) constitutes 950/0 of'cases. This part is defined as normal. The lowest part of the scale (the left edge of the bell) comprises 2.50% of cases, and is defined as abnormally low. Similarly, 2.50/u of cases fall in the highest part of the scale and are defined as abnormally high. If we think of a similar bell curve in relation to height, 950/6 of the population are of "normal" height, 2.50/0 are "abnormally" short, and 2.54/u are "abnormally" tall. "Abnormal" in this case simply means the lowest and the highest ends of the scale.

11. For a discussion of the cultural determinants of jealousy, see Bhugra (1993); Hupka (1981, 1991); 1 iupka ti Bank (1996);11upka £7 Ryan (1990); Hupka et al. (1985); Mullen (1995); and Zummuner & Fischer (1995).

12. Abnormal jealousy has been found to be related to different psychiatric neurological and physical disorders including schizophrenia, paranoia, borderline personality disorder, mental handicap, alcoholism, brain damage and a variety of organic diseases. See for example Achte et al. (1991); Breitner & Anderson (1994); Cooper & Collacott (1993); Hodgson et al. (1992); Napier (1994); Shaji £d Cyriac (1991); Soyka (1995); and Sokya et al. (1991).

13. This literature was presented in chapter two of Pines (1996). Additional references include Caspi & I lerbener (1990); Kay et al. (1988); Marikagas et al. (1988); Taylor (1989); Taylor & Vandenberg (1988); and Wilson (1989).

14. The concept of "romantic image" was first introduced in chapter two of Pines (1996).

Chapter 2. Are You a Jealous Person?

1. The question Are you a jealous person?" was answered by the 728 people who took part in three different studies on which this chapter is based. The first study (Aronson & Pines, 1980) was a pilot study involving fifty-four men and women. The second (Pines &,, Aronson, 1983) involved 103 men and women. The third (Pines, 1987b) involved 571 men and women.

A study of the convergent validity of the fines and Aronson Jealousy Question, together with five other jealousy scales, is described by Mathes et al. (1982). It reports a significant correlation between the question and the following variables: Interpersonal Jealousy (r = .33); Chronic Jealousy (r = .61); Self-Reported Jealousy (r = .51); Projective Jealousy (r =.52); Neuroti(ism (r=.42); and Insecurity (r =.45). (r" indicates correlation. The higher the correlation, the more two variables tend to vary together.) For other data, see Appendix C.

2. Other jealousy researchers also distinguished these three compo nents of romantic jealousy. See for example Dolan & Bishay (1996b); Paul et al. (1993); and Sharpsteen & Kirkpatrick (1997).

3. The conclusion that jealousy has universal and identifiable features is supported by other studies, including Haslarn & Bornstein (1996); Hupka et al. (1985); Parrot & Smith (1993), Salovey & Rothman (1991); Sharpsteen & Kirkpatrick (1997); Smith et al. (1988); and Spielman (1971).

4. Breitner & Anderson (1994) report in their study of seven cases of delusional jealousy that a previous experience of infidelity appears to be a common antecedent to extreme jealousy.

5. The finding of a positive correlation between belief in monogamy and jealousy seems to contradict the findings of a study by Weis & Felton(1987)in which it was found that single undergraduate females with most exclusive extramarital activities (those who rejected a higher number of extramarital activities) were most likely to score high on a measure of jealousy, to associate sex and love, to view themselves as conservative, and to attend church frequently. The results of our study suggest that when such women marry, they tend to marry men with conservative attitudes similar to their own, and thus create unions in which jealousy is less likely to be triggered.

6. Other researchers have also noted the relationship between dispositional proneness to experience jealousy and perception of jealousy in others. See for example Greenberg (1985), Mathes et al. (1982) also report a significant correlation between people's report on thier own level of jealousy and Projective Jealousy (r = .52).

7. l3ringle (1991) is one of the theorists who view jealousy as a stable personality trait. See for example Bringle & Buunk (1985); Bringle & Evenbeck (1979); and Bringle & Williams (1979). Other scholars have noted that such traits as jealousy have a "family history" Winokur, 1986).

8. The results of a study by Downey & Vitulli (1987), for example, suggest that decreased jealousy in older people results from increased maturity and self-esteem.

9. The noted sociologist Bernard (1986) suggests that because of changes in the institution of marriage, jealousy is declining. The changes in the social and legal concept of jealousy across cultures and throughout history have also been discussed by Mullen (1993).

10. See, for example, Neill (1960).

11. Other scholars have also Holed the effect of the family constellation on the child's jealousy. Neubauer (1985) contends that differences in the development of' rivalry, jealousy, and envy depend on whether the child is an older or younger sibling, and that the sibling position may play a significant role in jealousy. See also Mandler (1991).

12. Zummuner & Fischer (1995), who studied the social regulation of emotions in jealousy situations, found significant discrepancies between felt and shared jealousy-all subjects regulated their jealousy response.

13. Other researchers have also noted the relationship between jealousy and self-esteem. For example, sec Sharp.steen (1995) and Stewart & Beatty (1985). Mathes et at. (1982) also report a significant correlation between jealousy and Insecurity (r = .45). Other scholars, such as Gordon Clanton, claim that the direction of the relationship between jealousy and self-esteem is not clear. It is possible, they argue, that the humiliation of jealousy reduces people's self-esteem, and not the other way around.

14. The correlation between jealousy and one's mental state has been noted in other studies as well, for example, Carson & Johnson (1985); Mathes et al. (1985); and Tarrier et al. (1989).

15. The study is mentioned in Pines (1996).

Chapter 3. The Unconscious Roots of Romantic Jealousy

1. At a later stage of his writing, Freud gave up the idea of an Electra complex for girls, and talked about Oedipus complex for both boys and girls.

2. See White & Mullen (1989), pp. 78-79.

3. Examples of studies of organic causes of jealousy are discussed in the following: for a study of brain damage, see Achte et al. (1991); for a study of organic psychoses, see Soyka et al. (1991); for a study of alcoholism and alcohol psychosis, see Napier (1994) and Soyka et al. (199]); for a study of hyperthyroidism, see I lodgson et al. (1992); for a study of carcinoma, see Egan et al. (1996).

4. For a discussion of' the relationship between delusional jealousy and schizophrenia, see Soyka (1995); for a discussion of the rela tionship between delusional jealousy and paranoia, see Achte et al. (1991) and Sliaji & Cyriac (1991); for borderline personality disorder, see Sefedin (1992); and on mental handicap, see Cooper £d Collacott (1995).

5. the following articles report successful application of pharmacological interventions in the treatment of delusional jealousy: Byrne & Yatham (1989); Gross (1991); Herceg (1976); Lane (1990); Munro et al. (1985); Stein et at. (1994); and Wright (1994).

6. For successful application of cognitive therapy in the treatment of delusional jealousy see Bishay et al. (1996); Dinesh (1993); Dolan & Bishay (1996a, 1996b); and Ellis (1996).

7. Writings on the application of the systems approach to the treatment of delusional jealousy include Friedman (1989); Im et al. (1985); Sluzki (1989); and Teisman (1979).

8. Papers describing individual psychotherapy for the treatment of delusional jealousy include Coen (1987); Docherty & Ellis (1976); Freud (1922/1955); and Pao (1969).

9. See also Hornet' (1957).

Chapter 4. Treating the Couple, Not the Jealous Mate

1. Writings on the systems approach to treating marital problems include Fisch et al. (1982); Guerin et al. (1987); Gurman & Kniskem (1981); Haley (1977); Sluzki (1978); Steinglass (1978); and Watzlawick et if. (1974). Writings on the systems approach to jealousy include Friedman (1989); Guerin et at. (1987); Irn et at. (1983); Margolin (1985); Pam & Pearson (1994); Slonim-Nevo & Vosler (1991); Sluzki (1989); and leisman (1979).