Royce (15 page)

While he and Joy talked he concentrated on the baby, he couldn’t help it and the baby focused on him.  He’d relaxed by now, this situation needed resolving.  He was lying back against the sofa, the baby on his chest, the baby would put his fingers in his mouth as he talked, or he rubbed his cheek and Royce smiled as the baby touched him.  Royce played with his little fingers, he touched his little soft cheeks, and ran his fingers through his curly dark hair,
Joy’s hair
, thick, dark and curly.  Neither of his other children had hair like this, and to him Justin was the most beautiful baby he’d ever seen and Joy wanted him to give him up, to walk away.

“But I know now Joy, that’s the problem I’m having with this, I’m his father, he’s my son…and I can’t just walk away.” 

Joy was not happy with this turn of events, she’d wanted to tell Royce, he should know he had a son.  It didn’t feel right not to tell him which is what Michael wanted, she’d felt that was wrong to do that to Justin and to Royce.  Justin should know who his father was and Royce should know about him, and from the moment she held him in the hospital she’d said to herself, “I have to tell Royce, it’s the right thing to do,” but Michael didn’t want her too, so she’d stalled and let it go, and her last plan was to tell him before Justin was a year old,
By his first birthday I will tell Royce
, she’d vowed, but now she wasn’t so sure this was a good idea. 

“Think about it Royce, how are you going to explain this to Tammy?  You think Tammy is going accept you having a child by me?  It’s the best thing Royce!”  “She’ll accept it, he’s here she doesn’t have a choice but to accept it.” “Will she Royce, will she?”  “Michael did,” he said looking her square in the eye.  “Arrggg Royce,” she said getting frustrated, “Why can’t you understand this is best for everyone,” and Royce hated those words,
best for everyone,
because usually they meant best for the ones speaking them and not best for the ones involved.  “Uh huh, best for everyone.  You’re saying it’s best for Justin to deny him his father,” he said, his eyes intensely on her, “A father who wants to be there for him,” he added and he saw her wipe tears away.  He hated to see her cry, but he had to have his say on this. 

Then little Justin began to squirm and his little face showed his distress. “He’s getting hungry, you don’t mind if I feed him in front of you do you?” “Well no why would I mind?”  He didn’t understand the question, get the baby a bottle and feed it, why would he mind?  “Oh well some people think it’s uncouth to breastfeed in front of them,” Joy said as she was unbuttoning the buttons across her breast, and now he understood, hmmm this he might not be able to handle.  Joy’s breast in front of him; he was already having to control himself from touching her.  It was only made easier because of the deep conversation they were having, so he played it off.  “I’ve seen breast before Joy, I’ve even seen yours,” he joked with her; she laughed and rolled her eyes and shook her head.  The flap fell down and he saw her white bra.  She took the baby and turned her back to him and made her adjustments and when she turned around the baby was against her breast with a white cloth diaper over his face. 

“I’m sorry about what happened that night Joy, it really messed things up and I’m sorry for all that,” he said.  “I am too, it was a mess, a complete mess,” she said and little Justin obviously didn’t like the diaper over his face because with his free hand he grabbed it and was now playing with it and Royce saw a peek of Joy’s breast and he felt himself rising, he crossed his legs.  Joy took the diaper and put it back where it was and Justin grabbed it again, swung it back and forth and this time he dropped it and it went on the floor.  Joy laughed, “Well there goes any ounce of modesty I was trying to exhibit,” she said.  He chuckled and watched his son nurse from his mother and he thought it was beautiful.  Tammy hadn’t breastfed either of their children, this was the first time he’d ever seen a mother nurse her child and it being his child and the woman being Joy made it the most beautiful sight he’d seen in a long time. 

He watched Justin as he enjoyed his milk and he reached out and took his little hand and played with it.  Justin squeezed his finger with his little hand, his eyes looked over at Royce, his finger wrapped around Royce’s finger and he never stopped sucking.  “It’s beautiful Joy,” he said, “He’s beautiful and I love him,” he said and Joy looked at him, and she could see it was genuine, Royce loved his son.  Royce reached over and stroked Justin’s hair as he nursed and that’s what he did, he touched and stroked Justin, smiling and cooing at him as he nursed. 

They kept discussing the situation and neither was getting anywhere with the other.  Joy wanted Royce to give up Justin and Royce couldn’t and didn’t understand why she wanted him too, and he made no attempts to leave.  He wanted this issue resolved or he wasn’t going anywhere until finally Joy said, “I’ve got to pick up the kids Royce, but here,” she said and wrote down her phone number, “Call me and we can discuss this some more before we do anything okay,” she said.  “Okay, and here is my number, my office and cell phone,” he said, “Yes we do need to discuss this some more,” he agreed with her.  He walked out with her and watched as she put Justin in his car seat, he kissed him and held his little hand, “Bye Justin,” he cooed to him and he hugged Joy, “I’ll be talking to you,” he said then he walked to his car and drove away.

Michael came home that night and knew immediately something was on Joy’s mind.  This past year had been a trying one for him, every since the fiasco at The Club and soon after Joy had come to him with her news.  She’d come to him with tears in her eyes, “I have something to tell you baby,” she was lying in bed and he was in the bathroom doing his nightly routine, flossing, brushing his teeth and when he saw her tears he wiped his mouth and went to her, “What is it baby, is it that bad for you to cry?”

She nodded, “It’s going to hurt, so yes it’s bad,” she said.  He sat beside her his stomach in knots waiting for her to say what was going to hurt. “I’m pregnant,” and he smiled, “That’s not so bad, I know we hadn’t planned on more children, but it’s okay Joy baby,” he said still smiling at her.  He was a stickler for plans and he thought she was upset that he’d be upset at her for messing up his plans; he leaned in and kissed her. “I’m glad you’re happy baby, but the part that’s hard for me to say is…,” and she paused and he saw her tears. “Go on Joy what is it?”

“It’s that it might be Royce’s,” and this did shock him and it hurt too.

“What?  What do you mean it could be Royce’s?” 

He stood and looked at her, he paced and stood and looked down at her and he saw her crying, “Well I’m two months and it was during the time we were in The Club and I was with him too.”

“Oh well that shouldn’t matter you used protection right?  He wore a condom didn’t he so you shouldn’t worry about that,” he said matter of fact and she cried harder.

“No, he didn’t,” and Michael froze.

“What are you saying, he didn’t use a condom?  What one time he didn’t or what, be straight with me,” he said shocked.  “We never used one,” and he lost it, “Fuuucccckkk!  Fuck Joy, what the hell was going on with you two!  I don’t understand why you did any of this with him!  First he’s the only one you would go to and now you’re telling me you never used a condom!  What the hell Joy!”  He stared down at her, she cried, “Why not?  Why didn’t you use a condom?  You know how that makes me feel, that you let another man fuck you without protection!”  He was angry, “Are you crazy to do that to me, to us, to have unprotected sex like that!  Jesus Joy, where was your head in all this?”  He was so mad at her, she’d messed up, this was the worse news he could have heard. 

He sat on the edge of the bed and couldn’t look at her, he wanted to slap her, just slap the hell out of her for being so stupid and he’d never thought of her as stupid.  He’d always thought of her as one of the smartest people he’s ever met.  She’s graduated with high honors at an Ivy League school for crying out loud. “Why did you do that?”  He wanted to know why she wouldn’t think of something as simple as a condom, hell there was a drawer full of them, every shape, size and color you wanted.  She was crying. “We just didn’t…we just didn’t think of using one,” she said through her tears. “Jesus Joy, do I have to explain everything to you?  I thought you knew that, it’s just something you should know to do in a sex club.  Fuck this is bad, this situation keeps getting worse and worse,” he wouldn’t talk to her for days after she told him and then he accepted it. 

He came up with a plan to protect her, and then set about doing it, “Okay, it’s done, there’s nothing we can do about it, it could be his or mine, if it’s his then we’ll have to deal with that.  I know it’s a possibility but I think the likelihood of it being his is unlikely.  He was only with you on a club
night, so the possibility of it being mine is the better option.  Let’s get out of this house, out of this neighborhood, I can’t stand it here anymore,” and he was thinking
I need to get Joy out of here, I don’t want anybody talking to her
or messing with her about what went down at that club or I might have to hurt a few folks and if it gets out the baby might be Royce’s the flames will be burning against her he was sure about that,
and within the month they found a house and were gone and the whole time he prayed and believed the baby was his. 

And then he’d get pissed at Joy, “She didn’t even know to use a condom,” and the thought of Royce inside her, touching her, feeling her, moving inside her hurt him so bad, not only was a condom protection, it was also a barrier from the actual act, it wasn’t skin on skin, the man didn’t deposit his seed in the woman, but Royce did.  Royce had her skin on skin and he’d come inside her and that drove him nearly insane thinking of that, but he made himself believe and he still loved Joy, and blamed himself for this outcome too.  He was the one who gave the okay for them to join The Club, he was the one who let the white man have her and this was the consequence, and he tried not to blame Joy, but he did, he blamed her for being just plain stupid. 

And when her time came he drove fast to the hospital.  They knew it was a boy; Joy wanted to know so she could get the nursery done.  His blue and green room with little fairies in a forest painted on the walls was ready and waiting for him and he was going to be Justin Michael Abrams.  He held her through her contractions until it was time for her to push, and then he was behind her urging her to push and when he saw the pale baby being pulled from between her legs he was crushed and the older he got the more he looked like the white man who made him, right down to the blue fucking eyes.

But he’d promised Joy he’d raise him as his own and he was doing that.  Even though at the last minute she changed his name to Justin Royce, “It’s so he’ll have something of his Michael, at least I can do that for him,” she’d said and he let it slide, but that hurt him too.  That she’d thought of the white man to include him, and now he sat across the dinner table and he glanced at Joy.  She was terrible at hiding anything,
she was a terrible liar and at sex clubs,
he thought.  He could see something was on her mind and after dinner he went into his office and a few minutes later she came in and he knew he was about to hear what it was.  She sat down in the chair across from his desk,

“Royce was here today,” she said and that was the last thing he’d expected to hear.

“Royce Harrington was here in this house today,” he repeated to be clear of what she said.

He saw her looking cautiously at him, “Yes.”

“How did he find us Joy, did you call him, did you have something to do with this?”

She looked up at him, “No of course not, you didn’t want me to contact him remember,” and he knew she was telling the truth.  Joy was a terrible liar, the guilt showed on her face and in her eyes, and Joy was thinking Royce had saved her the trouble and Michael’s wrath because she was going to contact him one day she was sure of that.

“So how did he find us then?”

“I don’t know,” she’d never asked.  Joy entertained the idea and believed that somehow her thoughts had traveled along some imaginary mental line that connected all people, that she’d tapped into the higher power we all believed in since she’d thought of Royce so much this past year.  During her pregnancy, after Justin was born, every time she looked at him and saw Royce’s face and because she knew she had to tell him that somehow she believed she’d conjured him up, willed him to think of her and come to her. 

Michael was eyeing her, this situation was getting the better of him, his restraint was all he had and now Royce Harrington was here. 
I’ll find out from him,
he thought, “Well what did he want?  I’m sure he knows about the baby,” and the thought crossed his mind maybe that was why he’d come, he’d heard about the baby from somewhere. “Yes, he knows, he was here I couldn’t deny him,” Joy said looking down and Michael eyed her, “So now the cat’s out the bag.” “Yes and I told him what we wanted, that we wanted to raise him as our own and that we didn’t want anything from him.” “Good, how did he take that?”  “Not very well, but I’ll keep trying to convince him,” Joy knew this is what Michael wanted and for him she’d do it.  Michael had saved her from the humiliation she would have gone through and he was willing to raise a child that wasn’t his, and she was willing to accept his terms if that meant he would stay with her.  “That’s good Joy, but I want to speak with him, you have his number,” “Yes, but I’ll set it up,” she said quickly, “I think it’s best if it comes from me,” and Michael eyed her again, “Okay then set it up,” he said cautiously.